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Messages - Baltimore
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1
« on: October 08, 2008, 12:34:42 pm »
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
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« on: August 19, 2008, 05:42:17 pm »
lol "what is the airspeed velocity of an unlaiden swallow?" Is that a European swallow or an African swallow AAAAAhhhhhhh
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« on: August 19, 2008, 10:25:42 am »
Are you trying to tell me that the God that invented the stars, the planets, indeed the whole universe, couldnt come up with a better idea to deal with the weak and infirm other than to tear it limb from limb and have something else eat it  whos being simplistic now....thats not nature, thats murder. No, I'm saying that nature came up with it but using the existence of carnivores as proof of the existence or non-existence of some God is a flawed argument. The "meat is murder" line is not proof of the non-existence of a deity. It is merely a belief of people who do not wish to eat meat. Which actually makes it a religion of sorts as well  .
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« on: August 19, 2008, 06:45:36 am »
I hate to go of on another tangent, but ....
Animals.....take a lion, a proud, majestic animal.....that must survive by tearing another living animal to pieces...it has no choice.
Man had/has nothing to do with this, it is all "God's" handy work.
Now, creating an animal like that seems rather...strange, considering that cows, sheep , horses, pandas and even gorillas get along just fine without having to commit such horrendous acts of violence and cruelty towards other living creatures which "God" also created.
What could possibly be the reason for this ?
This fact above all others absolutely convinces me that there is no God....or if there is, he/she/it is definately not someone/something we should hold in high regard let alone be worshipping. The Lion a proud and majestic animal? Only because over the course of history humans, particularly humans from western and eastern cultures, have been programmed to think of them as such. I'm sure the local families in Africa don't think of them as majestic. Lions, and all carnivores for that matter, are a vital part of the ecosystem. Lions cull the herds of the weak and infirm because it is in their nature, but it also helps the herds. It also prevents the planet being overrun with zebras and such. Your argument that Lions kill herbivores therefore God is either non-existent or something you would not hold in high regard is somewhat simplistic. Most creatures on the planet are vital, be they regarded as majestic, cruel or wonderful. I'm sure there is even a reason for fleas (no offence intended there Flea :laff:). That is the nature of nature. I'm not saying God does or does not exist. I'm not saying that if he/she/it does, we should all worship him/her/it. Just that if God does exist, he/she/it really thought things through before creating stuff because everything is very subtly balanced (for some reason, the childrens book "The King, the Mice and the Cheese" springs to mind). Also, don't assume that if he/she/it does exist that it is we humans who are the focus of his/her/its' attention. For all we know, we are a precursor to the next dominant species on the planet in the same way that Neanderthals were here before us. The trouble with this thread is that it has been full of fundamentalists on both sides. It is easy to point out something like the KKK, or Islamic fundamentalists, or Catholic priests who molest little boys and say "see, they are evil so all religion is evil". Just as it is easy to say "scientists have created the atom bomb and performed horrible experiments on people therefore all science is evil". Let's try and accept the fact that in the course of human history, there have been some very, very bad people and there have been some very, very good people. People in both those camps have used religion or science as an excuse to justify their own desires (no matter how noble or base those desires are). That is the nature of humans.
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« on: July 15, 2008, 05:17:54 pm »
First one I've made. Hope I got the gist of it right.
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« on: July 12, 2008, 10:24:17 am »
New Government Seal:
Official Announcement: From Helen Clarke
The New Zealand government today announced that it is changing the coat of arms to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.
7
« on: July 09, 2008, 06:09:13 pm »
buggered if I'm going through 20 pages to find out.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done.. there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
Wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks', she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
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« on: June 27, 2008, 07:24:40 am »
Filled up my gas tank with Petrol yesterday, look at my piggy bank afterwards...
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« on: June 20, 2008, 06:40:01 am »
An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there really was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice saying, 'Maude... Maude ... '
'Is that you, John?' she asked as she looked in vain around the room.
The voice responded, 'Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed.'
'What's it like, John?' Maude asked.
John said, 'Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a while and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, John,' Maude said, 'then surely you must be in heaven!'
'Not exactly,' John said. 'I'm a rabbit somewhere near Dubbo.'
10
« on: May 22, 2008, 08:42:02 am »
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!? With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!? It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!? But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
11
« on: May 13, 2008, 05:07:59 am »
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his.'
12
« on: May 09, 2008, 06:08:17 pm »
Originally Posted by Global and Planetary Change
Volume 55, Issues 1-3, January 2007, Pages 1-20
Environmental and Biotic Changes during the Paleozoic-Mesozoic Transition]The prolonged and multi-phase nature of the Permo-Triassic crisis favours the mechanisms of the Earth's intrinsic evolution rather than extraterrestrial catastrophe. The most significant regression in the Phanerozoic, the palaeomagnetic disturbance of the Permo-Triassic Mixed Superchron, widespread extensive volcanism,and other events, may all be related,through deep-seated processes that occurred during the integration of Pangea. These combined processes could be responsible for the profound changes in marine, terrestrial and atmospheric environments that resulted in the end-Permian mass extinction. Bolide impact is possible but is neither an adequate nor a necessary explanation for these changes. Well, the article I read did say he was a lone voice in that theory  But hey! So were many other scientists who were subsequently found to be right. Just probably not on this occaision.
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« on: May 08, 2008, 07:38:11 pm »
I've read the Bill Bryson one as well (good book btw).
As for your theory, I read recently that there is a scientist who believes the Permian-Triassic mass extinction may well have been caused by a massive asteroid/comet hitting the earth near Antarctica. This was the one before the mass extinction believed to be the cause of the dinosaurs being wiped out. Anywho, because of the amount of ice movement in Antarctica, it will be very difficult to prove (if it ever is provable) but he did also note that there were geological signs at the opposite side of the earth that would suggest the concentric rings that spread out from the impact site came together there. I know your theory (well I think your suggesting) that the energy not only went around the earth but also through it. That's possible, the impact, if it was an impact that caused the mass extinction was a whoppa (killing nearly 90-96% of all living beings on the planet and the only one to cause mass extiction amongst insects as well). I'm not sure about the time frame you seem to suggest, but there may be something to what you say.
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« on: May 06, 2008, 04:46:18 pm »
.
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« on: April 27, 2008, 06:35:56 pm »
.
[video]emkQETpv2KU&hl[/video]
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« on: April 27, 2008, 06:28:17 am »
Not sure if this has been posted yet (I ain't going through 45 pages to find out either).
[video]xDVwbGloPdo&hl[/video]
Oh, and while going through upcoming movie trailers, saw this one which looks like some fun.
[video]rZQQgvhn4jg[/video]
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« on: April 24, 2008, 09:33:46 pm »
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?'
He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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