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Messages - nzallmenace
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1
« on: March 16, 2009, 05:09:43 pm »
and lol at the clusterfuck who negged me for these jokes, nice job asshat..... keep the jokes coming bro u always make me laugh when i need it =) :rnr:
2
« on: March 08, 2009, 12:09:59 pm »
I call this one "Devil"
Three guys die and go to hell.
When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.
"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.
"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.
So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"
To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"
As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.
"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.
"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"
3
« on: March 08, 2009, 12:07:37 pm »
Truck driver......
One day an old man sat down on a bench and across the street he saw a little boy sitting on the curb.
The old man sat and watched him and saw that he was holding a cat by the tail and had candy in his hand.
Every few minutes, the little boy would pop a few pieces of candy in his mouth, bite the cat on the tail, and scoot down a little bit.
After the man watched the little boy for a few minutes he walked over and asked the little boy what he was doing.
The little boy replied, "I'm playing truck driver!" "Playing truck driver?" the man asked.
"Yeah, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and moving on down the line!"
4
« on: March 08, 2009, 12:06:23 pm »
The Ants ......
There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.
One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.
So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.
One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.
"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".
"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."
5
« on: February 19, 2009, 10:28:40 pm »
Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
> >
> > They undress and step into the showers before they
> realize
> > there is no soap.
> >
> > Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to
>
get
> > it, not bothering to dress.
> >
> > He grabs
two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads
> back
> > to the showers.
> >
> > He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns
> heading
> > his way.
> >
> > Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall
> and
> > freezes like he's a statue.
> >
> > The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
> >
> > The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his
> > manhood.
> >
> > Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
> >
> > 'Oh look' says the first nun, 'it's a
> soap
> > dispenser'.
> >
> > To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his
> > manhood.
> >
> > Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
> >
> >
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
> >
> > She pulls once,
then twice and three times but nothing
> > happens.
> >
> > So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
> >
> > 'Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!'
6
« on: January 12, 2009, 02:34:34 pm »
Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”
… the teacher fainted!
7
« on: January 10, 2009, 02:19:02 pm »
One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb. They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb." The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd. She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?" The blonde responded: "November?" "Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?" The blonde responded: "Paris?" So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?" The blonde replied: "Two?" “Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license. The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer." The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then. So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."
8
« on: December 21, 2008, 02:32:23 pm »
Heres mine, had a few on the comp around here somewhere
9
« on: December 11, 2008, 11:00:42 pm »
Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
10
« on: December 08, 2008, 04:51:13 pm »
a woman pregnant with triplets is walkin down the street when a bank robber appears out of nowhere and knocks her over. he shoots her in the stomach 3 times and does a runner. when the lady comes around in hospital the doctor says that they couldnt remove the bullets as it might kill the babies, but they would be alrite for the rest of their lives.
18 years later, one of the girls comes downstairs cryin hysterically. her mother asks her what is the matter and shes says 'when i was havin a piss i heard a noise and i saw a bullet in the toilet'. her mum sits her down and tells her wat happened before she was born
the next week, the second girl comes down in hysterics, and her mum asks her what is wrong. ' i was on the toilet and a bullet drop out whilst i was havin a piss'. again, the mum explains what had happened.
a couple of weeks later, the lad runs down cryin his eyes out. before he can say anythin his mum says 'let me guess, u were havin a piss and u pissed out a buller'.
'no' the lad replies, 'i was tossin off and when i came i shot the dog
11
« on: December 06, 2008, 04:10:00 pm »
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
1-------- I do physical labor.
2.------- I work at great depths.
3.------- I plunge head first into everything I do.
4.------- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5.--------I work in a damp environment.
6. -------I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7.------- I work in high temperatures.
8. -------My work exposes me to diseases.
Reply: Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. ------You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. ------You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work
period.
3. ------You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. ------You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen
visiting other locations.
5. ------You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
6. ------You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. ------You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. ------You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. ------You are unable to work double shifts.
10. ------You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
11. ------And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking
bags.
Sincerely, The Management
Five reasons not to be a penis:
1. ------You're bald your whole life.
2. ------You have a hole in your head.
3. ------Your neighbors are nuts.
4. ------The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. ------Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.
12
« on: December 06, 2008, 01:44:24 am »
The teacher was talking to her class about death and heaven when she receives a difficult question.
"How do you actually get to heaven?" asks little Alice
"Well, how do you think you get there?" asks the teacher.
"Well, I think that as you die, God takes you by the hands and gently pulls you up to heaven." replies Alice.
"Awww....that sounds lovely" replies the teacher.
"That sounds a load of rubbish!" interupts little Johnny rudely. "AND I KNOW!"
The teacher is obviously wary of any kid called little Johnny and so asks if anyone else has ideas.
Another chlid suggest God walks ahead and leads you to heaven. Again this suggestion is met with Johnny's rude dismissal and insistence that he knows exactly how you get to heaven.
Finally the teacher says. "OK, I know I will regret this, but go on then Johnny. How do we get to heaven?"
"God grabs you by the ankles and hauls you up there!" says Johnny.
"Ridiculous!" says the teacher.
"He does so....I've seen it!" replies Johnny.
The teacher looks at him quizzicaly.
"Just yesterday I walked into Mum and Dads bedroom. She was lying on the bed with her legs stuck straight up in the air. She kinda shouted 'OH GOD I'M COMING!!!' Its a good thing my Dad had got her well pinned down or we'd have lost her for sure!"
A primary school teacher is talking with her class about the words ‘definitely’ and ‘probably’ and how they are used in day to day life. She asks the class for examples of the word ‘definitely’. Suzie puts her hand up.
“Yes Suzie?” asks the teacher.
“Well I’m definitely going to see my friend after school tonight,” claims Suzie with a pleased look on her face.
“What happens if your friend gets hit by a car and killed on the way home from school?” asks the teacher. “It was a good try, but it’s still only an example of probably. Does anybody else think they have an example?”
Young David is next to raise his hand. “Miss, I’m definitely having chips from the chip shop tonight. My Dad said so.”
“That’s a good try David,” replies the teacher, “but what if the chip shop is blown up in a terrorist attack? It’s still only an example of probably I’m afraid.”
The next person to raise their hand, albeit a little more cautiously than the others, is Little Johnny.
“Um, miss?” He asks hesitantly.
“Yes Johnny, do you have a question?”
“Miss, are farts lumpy?” asks Little Johnny.
“The teacher looks confused, so asks “No, not in my experience. Why do you ask?”
A look of triumph spreads over Little Johnny’s previously worried face.
“Well miss, if farts aren’t lumpy then I’ve definitely shit myself!”
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude, but eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Buggered if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shit himself."
13
« on: November 06, 2008, 12:24:43 am »
Ok from a american friend
five presidents--------haha
Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and George W. Bush.
George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then John Adams says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws George W. Bush off the plane.
14
« on: October 06, 2008, 03:01:55 pm »
15
« on: September 01, 2008, 10:35:17 pm »
Blonde goes into Harvey Norman looking for curtains for her PC, the assistant says u dont need curtains for a computer.. Blonde says, HELLOO ive got fuckin WINDOWS :bounce:
16
« on: January 23, 2008, 12:31:35 am »
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the
small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too
much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when
it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
x0x0x0x0
p.s. your girlfriend called
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