joke thread

[Xt1ncT]

About time we had a joke thread...here's one from me

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid replies, "One".
The boss asks, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid responded, "$101,237.65".
The boss exclaims, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss asks incredulously, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

[Simon_NZ]

[Xt1ncT]

Another one

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

[Xt1ncT]

Love this one

Two friends are playing golf. They're keep waiting on every tee for the group ahead of them to clear - a ladies twosome.
Finally , at the 5th hole one of them decides to walk down to them and ask if they can play through. Half way down the fairway he makes a quick u-turn and comes back.
He says to his buddy "man, I can't do it! It's my wife and my mistress ahead of us!" His buddy says "ok, in that case I'll ask them and we'll sneak by, they won't see you". He starts walking down the fairway... half the way he turns around and jogs back. He says to his friend "it's a small world, isn't it??"....

[Valvanite]

this will offend some people but meh...



how do you stop the neighbours kid from playing in your back yard?


Molest him

[smegmacheese]

A toothless termite walks into a bar and says "Where's the bartender??".

[Equity]

dammit i dont get xtincts last one lol

[Xt1ncT]

dammit i dont get xtincts last one lol

You're joking right??

If not.......they both have their wife and mistress ahead - ergo the mistress is the other dude's wife......

[SittingDuck]

Back Seat Driver

A driver is stopped by a police officer.
The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

[Simon_NZ]

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing.

You already told her twice.

[SittingDuck]

I have a feeling this has been shortened...

An old lady gets pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop comes over and says " Can I see your license and registration"?

The lady says "No, I don't have one, Lost it 3 years ago and this car is stolen. I murdered the owner and his body is in the trunk"

 

The cop calls his superior officer, and she comes over.

The superior cop asks the lady" Can I see your license and registration?"

The lady gives it to her.

"Can I check your trunk"? Asks the superior

"Sure" replies the old lady.

 Nothing is in the trunk.

 

The superior syas to the lady " Sorry, I don't know what has gotten into that officer today. He said that you had no license or registration, and the car was stolen, and the murdered owner was in the trunk!"

The old lady replies "He must of said I was speeding, too!"

[Into The Void]

That last one's a good one. The rest suck, especially the last golf one.

Most of mine are racist or else extremly offensive. Here's some copy and pastes.

For the record, I have nothing against MJ.

why did michael jackson cross the road?
because he seen a sign saying slow children

what did the left testicle say to the right testicle?
fuck knows but they were talking bollocks.

What does Michael Jackson and Mcdonalds have in common?
They both stick meat in 4 year old buns.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?
A: Because there's twenty of them.

Why was the willow weeping?
He was unpoplar.

David Hasselhoff calls his agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."
His agent replies "Sure! No hassle."

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned.

The Genie says,"Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish

When the Mexican gets home,he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid...smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."



A very dirty joke:







Two monkeys took a shit in the mud!

[BerG]

David Hasselhoff calls his agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."
His agent replies "Sure! No hassle."

LOL

The rest suck though.

[Into The Void]

All my good ones are racist or are about dead babies. Which I don't think is allowed.

[Simon_NZ]

i like those jokes

pm me:P

[Fragin]

That last golf one was awesome Xt

[Lone-Star]

FINALLY SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP . .  

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy here in Auckland.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a Dairy, a Shell Service Station, a Lotto outlet, a Fruit Shop or an Indian Takeaway.

[drunk.kiwi]

BEST CHAIN LETTER EVER

Hello, my name is Al and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding
50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually
believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas
with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to
have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling
freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and
everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll
get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"

What a crock of shit

 

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was
started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget
pilgrims on the Mayflower.

Fuck 'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest
friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will
somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90
times.
I don't fucking care!

 Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out these. Chances are, it's your
own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If  it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in
Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant
for 27years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll
receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning
your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

 P .S. Send me 50 bucks and Then Fuck Off

[Baldesto]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

[Baldesto]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that faggot shit in our garden."

[Baldesto]

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath Eve announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education's of all his children!!" More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!" There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Vell, I just asked mein husband how ve could help, and he said, 'Fuck the Rabbi.'"

[BerG]

All my good ones are racist or are about dead babies. Which I don't think is allowed.

Come on dude, we're all friends here.

Of course they're allowed.

And LOL BALDESTO  :rnr:

[SittingDuck]

LOL Drunk.kiwi

Was that actually chain mail

I'd forward that

[Into The Void]

Haha Baldesto.

I had heard the first 2. The second one is funny as hell.


Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was chained to a bumper

How many dead babies can fit in a barrel?
4 1/2.

What is pink and red and sits in a corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.
What is green and sits in a corner?
The same baby, six weeks later.

What do vegetarian ogres eat?
Cabbage patch kids.

Probably most have heard em.

[SittingDuck]

WHATS WRONG WITH YOU SICK.... nah jokes lol

i don;t if it's more funny or horrifying