Topic: joke thread

Virus. · Reply #1000 Posted: December 16, 2009, 05:27:59 pm

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he
notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees
oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops
at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He
sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla
ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess
trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks
the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and
says,It looks like you blew a seal.

No, no, the Penguin replies. "It's ice cream!"

Virus. · Reply #1001 Posted: December 21, 2009, 12:03:09 am

This ones a tad rude/offensive.

Spoiler :

Virus. · Reply #1002 Posted: December 21, 2009, 04:24:38 pm

ANCIENT CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble - one prick all gone

Man who run in front of car get tired

Man who run behind car get exhausted

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Man with one chopstick go hungry

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it

Man who drive like hell bound to get there

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs

Man who farts in church sits in own pew

Crowded elevator smells different to midget

Baldesto · Reply #1003 Posted: December 23, 2009, 08:41:47 am

A woman with a clipboard just knocked at my door and asked me if we would have an African child for Christmas. We normally have a turkey but, fuck it, I'll try anything once.
--
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen. Ungrateful cunts. All I said was "hurry up for fucks sake - some of us have homes to go to!"
--
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.
--
A 13 year old girl sits on Santa's knee. Santa says "What would you like for Christmas?" The girl says "I want some hair round my fanny". Santa says "Would a white beard be OK?"
--
Two girls were comparing their experiences at the company's annual Christmas party. "Did you get laid, Sherry?" "Twice." "Only twice?" "Yeah, once by the band and once by the accounting department!
--
Q: What did the little Mexican boy get for Christmas? A: My bike.
--
Tampax has announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only...

Baldesto · Reply #1004 Posted: December 23, 2009, 08:42:30 am

It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you okay?" he asks.

The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas! I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!" "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful! Thank you, thank you!"

Father Christmas promises him that:

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.

"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.

After a quite brutal rogering, which made his eyes water a little, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is."36" replied the man."Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" he chuckled.

Baldesto · Reply #1005 Posted: December 23, 2009, 08:43:14 am

Late last December, a week before Christmas when its product was at its height of sales nationwide, a fire started inside the famed Garfield, NJ, Italian sausage factory. Within ten minutes, the building was engulfed in flames.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, sausage company president P. J. Mancinelli, went over to the chief and told him that all of the family's 'secret' sausage recipes were in the vault in the centre of the plant, and offered to donate $50,000 to the fire company if it saved them.

The blaze quickly became a five-alarm inferno, additional departments were called in as the situation became more desperate and the chances of getting to the safe containing the recipes looked hopeless, regardless of the reward.

Onlookers and fire-fighters watched as an old fire truck of the nearby Lodi, NJ volunteer fire Department, composed mainly of Italian fire-fighters over the age of 65, raced into view with siren screaming, the fire-fighters pounding on the sides of the truck.

The badly faded red 1932 Ford truck drove straight into the middle of the inferno. The other fire fighters watched in amazement as the old Italians jumped off and attacked the fire like men possessed. Within a short time the Lodi old timers had beaten the fire back in the middle of the building and saved the 'secret' recipes.

Company president Mancinelli announced that for such a "superhuman accomplishment" he was upping his donation to $100,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the elderly Italian fire-fighters, particularly the Chief.

A local TV news crew had been covering the fire and the reporter asked the Italian fire chief what he was going to do with all the money.

"Wella," said 70-year-old Lodi fire chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, "de fursta ting we gonna do isa fixa de brakes ona dat fuckin' truck!"

Baldesto · Reply #1006 Posted: December 23, 2009, 08:44:13 am

DIET TIPS FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Baldesto · Reply #1007 Posted: December 23, 2009, 08:45:16 am

Dear Santa, You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks?

What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A- BITCH.

Sincerely, Little Johnny

Baldesto · Reply #1008 Posted: December 23, 2009, 08:45:52 am

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

Baldesto · Reply #1009 Posted: December 23, 2009, 08:46:38 am

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He SCREAMED, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth, and swore, "Screw you."

Without flinching, she smiled and replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

Baldesto · Reply #1010 Posted: December 23, 2009, 08:49:51 am

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning!"

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they all are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a bucket, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said: 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf"... and she said: "Here, you'll need a sweater".

and that ladies an gentlemen, is it for another year, have a good one......
cheers, Baldy

Baldesto · Reply #1011 Posted: December 24, 2009, 09:23:31 am

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

''Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

Pagan · Reply #1012 Posted: December 26, 2009, 05:58:38 pm

You know your getting old when your watching porn and you think "Fuck me that bed looks comfy"

Virus. · Reply #1013 Posted: January 03, 2010, 10:02:55 am

After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided
to use a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty
of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat. "Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too, you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs.
Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look.

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs.Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh
equipment ?"

"That's right.

Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to
work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me
to hold while I'm getting ready for action
... Madam ? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted !!!"

Lone-Star · Reply #1014 Posted: January 05, 2010, 10:10:25 pm

Females do i have the deal of the next decade for you

Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for just $1.00
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!

SteddieEddie · Reply #1015 Posted: January 06, 2010, 08:52:16 am

^^^ I have ones with tinsel on for the Christmas Period

Baldesto · Reply #1016 Posted: January 09, 2010, 07:52:47 am

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry'. 'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does that belong in Chinatown?'

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, t-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry'.

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?" The old man answered, "Ah... evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner."

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?" "It me, me him!" replied the old man. "Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?" "It simple" said the old man. "Many, many year ago I come to thes country. I standing in line at "Documentation Centre of Immiglation." Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland." "Lady at counter look at him and say to him, '"What your name?' He say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'

Baldesto · Reply #1017 Posted: January 09, 2010, 07:53:36 am

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!

No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed in awe of the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up!"

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows? "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."

Baldesto · Reply #1018 Posted: January 09, 2010, 07:54:04 am

Excellent news I've just discovered Twitter. It's my girlfriends sensitive area between her Twat and her Shitter.

Baldesto · Reply #1019 Posted: January 09, 2010, 08:05:45 am

I am posting this to warn you of something that happened to me, as i have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It's impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No" and instead ask for a ride to another Wal-Mart. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and once again on Sunday.

TofuEater · Reply #1020 Posted: January 09, 2010, 08:19:06 am

True story:

A Lufthansa flight was waiting to take off and a passenger hadn't boarded the aircraft, so they were delayed. In the airline game you have to announce your intentions to air traffic control 2 minutes before you start your engines, so they can ensure that you fit into the takeoff sequence.

Because of the delay, Air traffic control called up the Lufthansa flight and asked if they were ready to commence engine start. Lufthansa called back and advised that the passenger was missing: "There is a jewish passenger who hasn't boarded yet. We will be delayed. We are looking for them now."

As quick as a flash an anonymous voice (with an Australian accent) was heard to reply: "have you checked the ovens?"

Zarkov · Reply #1021 Posted: January 09, 2010, 09:26:33 am

I bet that had them rolling in the aisles.

TofuEater · Reply #1022 Posted: January 11, 2010, 10:49:04 am

Yeah, apparently you couldn't hear anything over the radio for minutes.

On topic:

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No...Salty."

liquidpain · Reply #1023 Posted: January 15, 2010, 01:12:22 am

Quote from: TofuEater;1047841

"have you checked the ovens?"

terrible... especially from a professional pilot.

Baldesto · Reply #1024 Posted: January 17, 2010, 11:31:49 am

My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.
--
Confucius say: "Treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag."
--
A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the cop is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're A CUNT!"

Topic: joke thread

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