joke thread

[Baldesto]

One rainy night in Spring Hill, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered. "Milton Road", answered the woman. "OK", he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?" "Well ma'am", replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

[Baldesto]

CLARKSONISM'S
Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

- "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."
- "The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany."
- Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom."
- On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."
- "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."
- "The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."
- "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
- "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'"
- "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"
- Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."
- "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."
- "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
- On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."
- "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."
- "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."
- "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."
- "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps."
- "You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!"
- "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."
- On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

[zolteg]

terrible... especially from a professional pilot.

Ah, but 'professional' just means you get paid for it, as opposed to 'amateur' which implies you aren't.

There's no measure of quality involved in calling someone 'professional'. After all, hookers are professionals - the rest of us are just enthusiastic amateurs.

[faiskeoadave]

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[Baldesto]

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.

The mother asks why on earth he would need that.

The little boy replies "Isn't that what you give dad when his shit won't get hard?

[Baldesto]

I just applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100ft tall and 400ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green. The Town council told me to fuck off. So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque. Work starts on Monday...
--
Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Vito answered, "No... he minded his own fucking business!!

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.

He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over. "Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.

"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."

"Grand, happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"

"I did just dat and we had a grand time," says the bemused Irish fella, "but der's still fifty quid left so we're going to the pub..."

[Baldesto]

OXYMORONS

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

[Baldesto]

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies:  "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

[Baldesto]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks what happened. The woman says "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp..." The Doctor says "I have a really good medicine against that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

The woman says "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me". The Doctor replies "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!"

[Baldesto]

this is an oldie but a goodie

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember!" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have been released today."

[BloodDonor]

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

[swindle]

A rich guy and a poor guy get talking one day...

The poor guy asks the rich guy, "what did you get your wife for her birthday?"

The rich guys tells him, "a new bmw, and a diamond ring"

Poor guy asks, "why those things"

Rich guy says, "well, if she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in her new bmw, either way, shes happy"

So the rich guy asks the poor guy, "what did you get your wife?"

Poor guy tells him, "slippers, and a dildo"

Rich guy asks, "what? why?"

Poor guy tells him, "so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself"

[Baldesto]

Husband says to wife "Do you fancy playing a rape game?" Wife says "NO!". Husband replies "Thats the spirit!"
--
A wee Irish boy is sat crying by the side of the road. A lady eventually wanders by and asks, "What's wrong, son?" The boy says," Me Mama just died." "Oh bejaysus," says the kindly lady, "Do you want me to fetch Father O'Reilly?" The wee boy quickly replies, "No thanks, missus. Sex is the last ting on moi mind roight now...
--
Please DO NOT call Muslims "Towel Heads". Those are NOT towels on their heads. They are small sheets like the kind used on a baby's crib. Now that you are aware, you must start calling them "SHEET HEADS". You don't have to thank me. I'm just doing this as a public service...
--
Two Native American Indians were walking through the desert. One suddenly stops and puts his ear to the ground. He stands up, looks off into the distance and says "buffalos come." The second says "How do you know?" The first replies "face sticky!"
--
A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns. The guy says, "Wow... it works."

[Baldesto]

A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

[Baldesto]

During a recent Stars in Their Eyes episode, a young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage, and the host introduces him as Simon.

Host: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?" Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."

Host: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?" Simon: "No, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."

Host: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be tonight?" Simon: "Well tonight I am going to be Simon and Half-Uncle."

[Lone-Star]

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?!!

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

[Baldesto]

A couple is newly married and they love each other very much. Unfortunately, they get in a terrible car accident and although the man emerges from the wreckage unhurt, his wife is seriously injured and falls into a coma.

Devastated, the man waits by his wife's bedside 24 hours a day cleaning her and changing her diapers. Months pass and the woman's condition does not change. The man fears the worst.

One day after months of waiting, the man gets bored and feels up his wife's breast as it had been ages since he'd had any sexual contact. The wife suddenly arches her back and gives out a moan. Shocked and excited he rushes out the door to find a doctor.

The man explains what happened to the doctor and the doctor responds: "Sir, that's absolutely amazing. Perhaps it is sexual stimulation that will bring your wife out of the coma. Sir, I would like you to continue with this experiment. Please, have oral sex with your wife and see if she responds. I'll wait outside the room until you're done"

So the doctor steps out to give the couple some privacy. They wait for several minutes. Suddenly the man rushes from the room crying and is inconsolable. The doctor grabs the man and asks what happened?

The man looks at the doctor "Doctor my wife is dead. I had oral sex with her as you asked... and now she's gone." The doctor asks "But... how is that possible?" The man replies "She choked..."

[Baldesto]

A blonde went into a post office to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $10 she exclaimed "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother." The man, eyebrow arched deviously asked "Anything?". "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead... Take it out..." he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused… the man closed his eyes and whispered... "Well... go ahead." The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips tentatively and said "Hello. Mum... can you hear me?"

[Baldesto]

An Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman!  Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.  "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.  Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman!  You've no knickers! Why not?" "I can't afford any on the money you give me" she protests. He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 10.  Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.  The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet Mudder, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any!" The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[Baldesto]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich then?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Baldesto]

Guy walks in to a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says. "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out of here before I get my husband!"

The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off." She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"

Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?" "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs off to fetch her husband. "What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the Husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries! The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."

[Baldesto]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asks her sympathetically, "whatever's the matter, pet?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning, I got a "phone call saying that my mother had passed away".

The boss, feeling incredibly sorry for her, says "There, there. Look, why don't you go home for the rest of the day? Or take the rest of the week even? Just take some time off to relax and get some rest".

"Thanks, boss, but I think I'll be better off here" says the blonde. "I need to keep my mind off it and the best chance I have of doing that is if I stay here and get on with some work".

Her boss reluctantly agrees and a couple of hours pass by before he decides to check on her again.

When he sees her, she is crying hysterically once more. "Are you sure you're OK?" he asks her. "No", exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible phone call from my sister and her mum has just died too".

[Baldesto]

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well... she's there."
--
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
--
Kids know far too much these days. This morning whilst in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie & Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that". She replied, "I don't think so. He's doing her up the arse!"
--
I've just put a deposit down on a new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911" and now 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!

[Baldesto]

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction "finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did.
--
My black-eye and fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'... was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked "Where are you taking me for my birthday?"
--
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little twelve year-old boy who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. The salesman say, "Hello, son. Is your mum or dad home?" The little boy responds, "What the hell do you think?"
--
An Aboriginal guy was driving along the road when he noticed that one of his rear tyres had gone flat. With a sigh and a curse he pulled over, got out the car jack and wheel brace and started undoing the nuts on the wheel. Just after he started, a Subaru going along at high speed stopped in front of his car, brakes squealing. Out hops a big Islander bloke carrying a baseball bat. The Islander proceeds to smash the side window of the guy's car. With that he jumps up and starts yelling "What the fuck are you doing bro!?" The Islander replied "Cool it, bro. If you takin' da wheels don't put no shit on me for takin' da CD player!"

[Baldesto]

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age, All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a ‘woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.

However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel".