joke thread

[Baldesto]

A man working in a bank and is a total hit with the ladies and young and successful and has everything going for him in life except he has a tiny cock. He can chat up girls and get them back to his place anytime with his sleazy charm but when it comes to sex they all just laugh at his pathetic noodle dick.

He is getting really sick of his condition and decides to go to the best plastic surgeon he can find and tells him of his terrible problem. The doctor asks what he would like to do and the guy says he wants the biggest dick possible and money is no problem. The surgeon hesitates and says that he knows of a new medical break-through in this particular field and that it is risky but it has been done once before. The man asks what it is and the doc replies that it is a baby elephant trunk transplant and it is the biggest you can get. The man demands it without hesitation and after the surgery was complete a couple of weeks later and the swelling went down the guy was ready to show this thing off.

He spots a cute girl in the office and confidently asks her out to dinner in a fancy restaurant. That night at dinner they are sitting down and chatting and the man gets the idea to unzip and give her a quick flash before the mains arrives but the second he unzips the baby elephant trunk shoots up from between his legs, grabs a bread roll off of the table, and shoots back down inside the zipper.

The woman is amazed and shocked and so is he and she gets really excited and asked him to do it again. The man says "I can't. I don't think I can fit another bread roll up my arse".

[Baldesto]

My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Oh well in that case stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[Stephens]

I hate it when I hear someone joke about the Holocaust. It's just so wrong. Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.

[Baldesto]

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

The Nun then enquired:

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

[henno]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet", she replied..

[Baldesto]

woman is in her doctor's office when she suddenly shouts out: "Doctor, kiss me!" The doctor says it would be against his code of ethics. Ten minutes later, the woman again shouts out: "Doctor, kiss me, just once!" The doctor refuses apologetically, saying as a doctor he can't kiss her. Another five minutes later, she asks again" Doctor, Doctor, kiss me just once!" "Look", says the doctor, "I am sorry, I just can't kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."
--
A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear-ended by a big semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door. The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy standing there with his hands on his hips says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, buddy!" The truck driver laughs and says, "Blow me!" The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe this! He wants to settle out of court!"
--
Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he says. "I'm trying to commit a suicide," she says. "Well, before you jump how bout giving me a blowjob?" So, she does. After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?"."My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

[Baldesto]

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Haha, you'll get fined £200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers!"

[Baldesto]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!" Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."

[Baldesto]

A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to show him the ropes.

The shepherds agreed. The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually, "So how do you guys get by with no women around here?" Said one of the men, "Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?" The youngster shuddered: "Yak! How horrible! How can you...?" The three men only smiled and said nothing.

Another week passed and one morning the young man realised that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable. He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all..."

He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.

"What? What?!!" shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what you did yourselves, didn't you??!" "Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest one!!?"

[Baldesto]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked, "How much for that faucet?" Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."My goodness that sure is a lot Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went over to the next aisle to find it. From the next aisle Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet!"

[Baldesto]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I recently turned 51.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.. my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

[SteddieEddie]

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
 
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'
 
A woman buys a wall mirror from A Mart, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror' She said no 'but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower'.
 
Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........
 
Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.
 
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '
 
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '
 
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?
 
Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'
 
Recession beater - Wife says to husband ' if you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car'
 
Husband replies ' if you'd let me cum on your face we could get rid of the nanny!'
 
One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?
 
I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.
 
Marriage counsellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce....... ' Tell me something both of you have in common ' Husband after a long awkward silence ' Well neither of us sucks cock '
 
Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be fucking lucky with a face like that!'
 
I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes
 
'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform
 
to you?'
 
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
 
The local mosque are having a bonfire tonight but keep it a surprise.........they don't know about it yet!
 
 

[SteddieEddie]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
 
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
 
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
 
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
 
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
 
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
 
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
 
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
 
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
 
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
 
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
 
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
 
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way
 
the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
 
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
 
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
 
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
 

"Well the Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
 

[SteddieEddie]

An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A state wide manhunt ensued.



The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him.
They hit the guy 68 times. Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.


Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "
Because that's all the ammunition we had."



Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what !



The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes . When asked by a reporter how that could be since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied "when you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."
 

[camy205]

Scientest have figured how to cure homosexuality, lip balm. Rub it around your ass and keep the chaps away

[420fairy]

Thanks for the neg rep Crazy_Whitey. You uptight PC twat.

LOL you clearly dont know Whitey at all do you.

[Virus.]

Wife asks husband,
"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."

[Virus.]

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person.
 
“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
 
Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages into urine”
 
Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.

[Virus.]

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
 
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
 
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
 
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
 
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
 
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
 
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but
before she could say 'Fuck Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!
 
The teacher had to leave the room.

[Virus.]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

[Virus.]

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from Massachusetts were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Italian from Massachusetts fumed,
'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian from Massachusetts said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night?'

[Virus.]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,



when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:

'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!

[Virus.]

Yes, I'm doing another of my rare post-runs.
___________

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and...... OH, MY GOD !'
 
Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

 One Irish passenger yelled...
 
'For f*#k's sake ....... you should see the back of mine!!!'

[Virus.]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not

your penis".

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down

to two butts a day".

___________________________

Preacher at the Destiny Church ....... To His Congregation

"Anyone with needs to be prayed for, can come forward to the altar!"  

Rangi stood in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked:

"Rangi, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Rangi replied: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher put one finger in Rangi's ear, and he placed the other hand on top of

Rangi's head and prayed and prayed and prayed for Rangi.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,

"Rangi, how is your hearing now?"

Rangi replied, "I dunno . it's not until next Wednesday."

[Virus.]

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The man who fell in an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.