joke thread

[Virus.]

A woman goes into the doctor’s all bruised and beaten up pretty badly.
 
Doctor: “My God… what happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home after a few beers he beats me up.”
 
Doctor: “Well I have a really good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just make a cup of green tea, take a sip and start swirling it in your mouth.
Don’t drink it, just swirl it around and around for a while.”
 
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks all healthy and fresh again.
 
Woman: “Doc, the green tea thing was brilliant!. Every time my husband came home drunk, I sipped and swirled repeatedly with green tea and now he never touches me.”
 
Doctor: “Excellent… so now you can see why keeping your mouth shut is such a good idea!!”

[Virus.]

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

A little black boy called Tyrone stood up and yelled:

"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!!"

I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit
 

[Virus.]

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
 
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Hammer Hardware and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,
 her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is £500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
 

[Virus.]

Icelandic jokes have arrived

  "It's too early to tell jokes about Iceland and the volcano - we should
  wait until the dust settles."

  "Forget Al-Quada. You annoy Iceland; we shut down all your airports."

  "When Iceland's economy died, its last wish was to have its ashes spread
  all over Europe."

  "Iceland goes bankrupt, and then it manages to set itself on fire. This
  has insurance scam written all over it!"

  "Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup." "I know, it's a no-fly zone."

[Ultrarandom]

Lost Cat
________


A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a b!tch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[Ultrarandom]

Politics
______

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh!t."

[Baldesto]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.

[Virus.]

A tad racist:

Spoiler :

It has been a very poor week for me at University, especially in Biology.


I did my biology exam last Friday and I was asked to name one thing commonly found in cells…......


Apparently " Maoris " is not the correct answer.

[Virus.]

I suppose that's why they play rugby…


"Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." - (Jono Gibbs - Chiefs)

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." - (Rodney
So'ialo - Hurricanes)on University

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in
groups of three, then line up in a circle." - (Colin Cooper - Hurricanes
head coach)

Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during
his visit to Egypt : "I can't really remember the names of the clubs
that we went to."

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it is." - Colin Cooper on Paul Tito

Kevin Senio ( Auckland ), on Night Rugby vs Day Games "It's basically
the same, just darker."

David Nucifora ( Auckland ) talking about Troy Flavell "I told him,
'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'David,
I don't know and I don't care.'

David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want
to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first."

"Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"(Murray
Mexted)

"Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Ma Nonu)


"He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of
play." ( Murray Mexted)

"We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then
they scored." (Phil Waugh-Waratahs)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Jerry
Collins)

"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was
identical." (Tony Brown)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Tana
Umaga)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of them
serious." (Doc Mayhew)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again."(Anton Oliver)

"I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14,
but there are none better." ( Murray Mexted)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat." (Ewan McKenzie)

Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
Tana Umaga: "On what?"

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."( Murray Mexted)


"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air
for even longer."( Murray Mexted)

[Virus.]

One day a 5ft 4 in Irishman entered the elevator in his hotel and just as the doors were closing a big pair of Black Hands forced them open and the Biggest Black Man Paddy had ever seen walked into the lift. Paddy couldn't believe his eyes!

 

He stared up at the man who smiled gently back at him, then said in a big, booming voice: “Six Feet Seven! 250 pounds! Penis twelve inches, testicles a half a pound each! TURNER BROWN!”

 

Paddy fainted and a few minutes later he woke up with the Big Man standing over him.

 

“I'm sorry” the big man said, “It's just that I am always asked for my vital statistics and I thought I would give them to you before you asked me!”

“I am 6 feet 7 inches tall, my private part is 12 inches long, my balls weigh over a half a pound each and my name is Turner Brown!”

 

“Sweet Jesus”!! Paddy said, “I thought you said, ‘TURN AROUND!”

[Virus.]

Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[Virus.]

A Tasmanian businessman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...


"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
You'd realise I was talking to the sheep."

[Virus.]

A bit rude:

 I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
 So I pushed her over.
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------
 Why are women like clouds?
 Eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day.
 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood
 rings so she could monitor my mood.
 We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am
 in a bad mood, it leaves a big fu*king red mark on her forehead.
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

 Zebu, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a
 day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no
 brakes.
 Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's
 fu*king hilarious....
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
 shuttlecocks.
 Bad Minton.
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'
 The reply from his friend......'You're so fu*king lucky...Mine's still
 alive...'
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
 The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells,
'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t!'

[Virus.]

A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really, really hard on the top of
its head

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

[Virus.]

Great answering machine messages.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial
aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends,
you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of
money.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not
need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and
number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-
recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for
calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about
returning your call.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it
up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave
a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to
you.

[Virus.]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published read:

"English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech telecommunications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".

One week later, the South Wales Echo reported the following:
 

 "After digging as deep as 30 feet in the pasture near his house in the Rhondda, Dai Williams, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely Fuck all boyo! Dai has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Wales had already gone wireless."

Makes a man proud to be Welsh!

[Virus.]

A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"

[Virus.]

  "Classy" & famous insults.

   The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
   She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
   He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

   A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
   "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

   "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -  Winston Churchill

   "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

   "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

   "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

   "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

   "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

   "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
   "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

   "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -  Stephen Bishop

   "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

   "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -  Irvin S. Cobb

   "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

   "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

  "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -  Charles, Count Talleyrand

   Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

   "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

   "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." -  Oscar Wilde

   "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

   "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

   "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.- Groucho Marx.
   

[Virus.]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them,

'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.' He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?'She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

What were you thinking?

[Virus.]

 A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. .....
 
He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....
 
"Yes?" asks St. Peter. .  
 
"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. ..
 
 St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

[Virus.]

Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar while smoking hashish and chatting
over a pint of fermented goat's milk.

The first Arab pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures,
and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."

"Praise Allah! You must be so very proud," says the other.

"Yes, and this is my second son. He's a martyr also."

"A fine looking young man... praise be to Mohammed!" replies his friend.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully,

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[BerG]

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Haha, you'll get fined £200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers!"

Can someone explain?

[BushySB]

Illegal to eat shrimp while traveling on public transport

[Virus.]

It's not that I can't it's just that I don't want to.

[Dr Woomanchu]

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Haha, you'll get fined £200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers!"

Can someone explain?

Final proof that the manly Berg has never actually been with a girl