joke thread

[Baldesto]

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

"Damn!" I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think "Oh God please die... pleeeease die". But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realised a few things:
1. Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3. Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4. My left eye will not open.
5. My right eye will not close.
6. The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7. My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8. I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualise what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[Baldesto]

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, as Jenny prepares herself for bed the 'expected' knock at the door came, she opens it and there is Roger... her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, after a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door and it's Roger again! He is ready for more 'action'. Surprised, Jenny consents. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep but before she knew it there was Roger knocking on the door again ready for more 'action'.

Once more they enjoy each other. His young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that you can perform so much better than guys less than a third of your age. You are truly a great lover, Roger." Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already?

[Baldesto]

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station." "What if that had been vandalised?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo. This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash."

[Baldesto]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman Assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I answered honestly "No, this is my first time."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty.

"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

"Do these excite you?" She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" She asked. I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her. She beat the shit out of me...

[Baldesto]

A guy is 72 years old and he loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, "Hey, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[Baldesto]

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country.

She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her.

The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt.

The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

[Baldesto]

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.
--
The fisherman went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, the Nurse says "Congratulations, your wife has had quints - 5 big baby boys!" The Caper says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney." The nurse replies, "You need to get it cleaned - the babies are all black."
--
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.

[Baldesto]

MAKES SENSE

-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
-If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
-Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
-Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
-If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
-If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
-If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
-Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
-The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
-God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
-The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
-Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
-Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
-We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
-My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
-When in doubt, mumble.
-Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
-A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
-Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. Ugly too.
-My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're
-I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
-There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
-I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
-I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
-You're never too old to learn something stupid.
-You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
-Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
-Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
-If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
-Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

[Baldesto]

PHILOSOPHY OF SOCRATES
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you a few questions, sort of a test. It's called the Test of Three." "Test of Three?" "That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[Baldesto]

After work, this gent went into a bar for a drink or two. Looking across the bar he sees a gorgeous redhead in a miniskirt and heels sitting with a short little warthog looking dude.

He calls the bartender over, and pointing to the two, says, "What's with beauty and the beast over there?" The bartender says, "She's like, 'paid for'".

He finishes his drink and goes home.

The next night, he's in the bar, and she's alone. He goes up to her and says, I couldn't help but hearing about how you make a living, and I have to ask - how much for a hand job? "75 dollars" she says. "Geez" he says "I can go home and pull it for free, what make you so special?" She says "Follow me".

They go out to the parking lot, and she points to a brand new Porsche and says "I own that free and clear because I give the best hand jobs in town".

He pulls out his wallet, and sure enough, she rocks his world.

Next night he's looking for her, and finds her. "How much for some head?" She says "That'll be 250". "Christ!" he says "I can get that downtown for 75, how good can you be?" She says, "Follow me to the lot".

She points to a luxury hi-rise condo building, and says "I own that free and clear by giving the best head in town. All repeat customers". "You take a check?" he asks and not long after is revelling in absolutely the best honk job he has ever had.

So next evening he's looking for this redhead. He finds her and asks "How much for some pussy?" Together they go again to the lot. "You see the skyline over there from Manhattan to Brooklyn?" "Yeah!" he says enthusiastically. "Well if I had a pussy, I'd own all that!"

[xpertz]

Husband Store



A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Baldesto]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that is a lot!", gasped Mrs Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Then Mrs Smith fainted.

[Baldesto]

My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?" He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
--
The guy who owned the local cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.
--
A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"
--
A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats. Apparently Prophets are going through the roof.
--
A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I've got 5 penises" The doctor replies "Blimey, how do your trousers fit?" Man says "Like a glove!"

[Baldesto]

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied while he was away. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.

The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... "The Magic Penis!" The Husband said, "The what"? The man repeated, "The Magic Penis," and pulled out what seemed like an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!" The man then pointed to the door and said, "Magic Penis, the door!"

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said, "Magic Penis, return to your box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.

After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Magic Penis, my crotch." The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.

Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got into her car and started for the nearest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked her for her license, then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said, "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me."

The officer looked at her for a few seconds, shook his head and replied, "Yeah... right... now I've heard it all ma'am... Magic Penis? My arse...!"

[Baldesto]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time". Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

[Baldesto]

PAKISTAN FLOODS
-The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones.
-A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."
- Rumour has it that the floods in Pakistan were started by a suicide plumber.
-There's a new curry been brought out in aid of the Pakistani flood disaster victims. It's a chicken bury auntie, served with nan dead and poppa gone.
- The BNP have donated 6000 crocodiles to the Pakistani flood appeal.
-The Queen has sent a letter of condolence to the Pakistani president. She wanted to mention that Britain has plenty of spare Pakis if they want some back.
-I bet little Mohammed doesn't have to walk 3 miles fetch water now! I think I'll ask for my $5 a month donation back.
-What do you call a Pakistani flood survivor? Mustafa dinghy.
-What goes around comes around. Pakistanis have been flooding Britain for years.
-From space, Pakistan looks like a giant bowl of coco pops.
-There is a new diet sweeping Pakistan. It's called swim fast.
- Charity single just released for the Pakistani flood disaster... Rain Drops Keep Falling On Ahmed.

[Baldesto]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

[Baldesto]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said, "No." Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?" "Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

[Baldesto]

A wealthy trader from Wall Street stopped in at the local tattoo parlour in Key West, Florida and requested to have a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis. The heavily tattooed tattoo artist looked at the extremely well dressed trader with a look of complete astonishment, and said "I've had strange requests, but this one tops the list. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your member with the picture of a one hundred dollar bill?"

The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist and told him this account. "There are three distinct reasons I want this done and done immediately. One, I love to play with my money. Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow. Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks, she won't have to leave home to do it!"

[Baldesto]

The doctor is examining a patient who is in a great deal of pain. He puts his stethoscope up to the guy's thigh and hears, "Give me $10, please! I'm desperate! I have no money, and I only need $10!"

The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the guys' knee and hears, "Please! You've got to help me! I can get by with $5, even! Just $5! Please! I haven't any money, even $5 will help."

Finally, the doctor listens to the patient's ankle, "How about $20! $15! Anything! I'm flat out of cash, please lend me something, just this once!" "Hmmm." says the doctor. "This could be serious." "What!" says the patient, alarmed. "What's wrong!?" "It appears," the doctor replies, "that your leg is broke in three places."

[Baldesto]

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge is safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "You know, I've always wanted to be like the guys, and pee off a bridge."

The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!" The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder."Holy shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was just your reflection."

[Baldesto]

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. Lee, a drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied "You might as well take my ass to jail 'cause there ain't no way I can pass that test!"

[Baldesto]

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend. They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!" The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"
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General Public Notice: Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving messages about my dog after it savaged to death 3 Muslims, 2 Aboriginals and an Indian taxi driver. For the last time, he is NOT for sale!!
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I walked in on the wife the other day struggling with the ironing board. She usually keeps it folded up and out of the way behind the laundry room door and then pulls it out on the rare occasion something actually needs ironing, like one of my dress shirts or a blouse she's planning on wearing. She was pulling and yanking on the thing when she saw me and declared, "You need to go out and buy me a new ironing board. It's almost impossible to get this thing's legs open." "Now you know what I have to deal with," I responded.

[Baldesto]

The Pakistani Cricket team's hotel burnt down last night. Police are still trying to establish who threw the match.
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A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here". The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
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A bloke goes up to a fat chick in a pub. He asks if she's got a pen. She answers him "Yes! As a matter of fact I do". He comes back with "Does the farmer know you've got out?"
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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my car!"

[Baldesto]

A cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after an examination the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says. "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says. "take this pill." The cowboy asks, "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The cowboy looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?" "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to while I pull the tooth."