joke thread

[BerG]

Whats happened to your jokes Baldy??

[Baldesto]

Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife "why do I always get a hard on when I look at myself?" Wife says "Coz your cock thinks you're a cunt too"
--
A black baby was given a pair of wings by God. He asks "God does this mean that I am an angel? God laughs 'of course not you silly black cunt. You're a fly!
--
Friendly advice: Please take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents. This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.
--
I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head... so I shot her.
--
I picked a girl up in the pub last night, took her home but I felt drowsy and fell asleep on the couch... must have had her drink by mistake!

[Baldesto]

COMPLAINTS TO COUNCILS IN BRITAIN
For some, the art of letter writing is a skill never mastered. The following are extracts from various complaints and requests made by tenants who fall into that category...

- It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
- I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
- I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
- Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
- I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
- My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
- Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
- I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
- 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
- I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
- Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
- I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
- The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
- Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
- I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
- Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
- I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
- This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
- My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
- He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

[Baldesto]

An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night. After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel.

Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass. Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall. She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intently watching...

Mary continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand. Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues to stare in an interested manner.

As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making much progress in getting undressed. He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her.

She asks him, "What are you waiting for?" Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here!"

[Baldesto]

This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new VW doing 75mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. BLOODY women drivers!!

[Baldesto]

A group of friends, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

[Baldesto]

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Ahmed replied, "Oh, from way back there I thought you said goats..."

[Baldesto]

A few overworked deputy sheriffs were long overdue for a vacation so they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleep two per room so they could afford the trip.

Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Daryl - he's very well known for snoring and since it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - they agreed to take turns.

The first deputy to bunk with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didn't get any sleep. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn't get any sleep!"

The following night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof he's so loud. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. Said he wasn't going to put up with any snoring... "We'll see!" said the other deputies.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning, fellas! Wonderful day outside isn't it?" he said. They other deputies were shocked!

They said, "Man, what happened?" Frank said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Daryl into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn't snore at all!"

[Baldesto]

Amid all the international outcry about cricket 'fixing' attributable to Pakistan and India, the headlines this morning of the New Delhi Times read... "Kalcutta Kings defeated by the English 20/20 team by six wickets and fourteen runs". The match will be played next Wednesday.
--
I met a girl in the park last night. There was definitely something electric between us. I shagged her silly on a park bench. When I'd finished I couldn't help thinking "Fuck me these Tazer guns are worth every penny".
--
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw in a club last night. He put 7 poofters in a trance but dropped his microphone on his foot and shouted "Fuck me". What happened next will haunt me forever...
--
Interesting piece of history. In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's bladder. In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the goat first!
--
Driving down the road I saw a hitch hiker holding a sign that said 'Heaven'. So the good person I am, I hit him. Hope he made it.

[Baldesto]

Dear Connie,

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our 'cooling off' period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.

I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an arse that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.

Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is PLEASE!?!

Love, Mick.

[Baldesto]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. "I'd like to be twelve again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets... M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you prat!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's going to get it wrong.

[Baldesto]

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn".

[Baldesto]

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be "$3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, and $14,000 for large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[Baldesto]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out onto the patio table. Then, whilst tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him...

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

Martha paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes and said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I bought that too with the insurance money!"

Again she paused for a few minutes and whilst tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

[Baldesto]

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbours dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays. The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was in "heat" and the neighbour's dog was a male.

Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart. As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating.

They were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage. Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next. Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem. The vet said, "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch."

"Oh," said the spinster, "Do you think that will work?" "Well," the vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED ON ME!!"

[Baldesto]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathises. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "Can't remember."

[Baldesto]

The Pope gets shot on his visit to the UK and is rushed to hospital. On his way to the operating theatre he whispers to the nurse "Am I in Heaven?" "No" replied the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward".
--
After meeting Susan Boyle and Michelle McManus on Friday, the Pope said that he was not surprised that his priests in Scotland were shagging young boys.
--
I mistook the Popemobile for an ice cream van today. I only realised my mistake when I read "Wouldn't Mind That Child" written on the back.
--
NEWSFLASH: The Pope refused to kiss the tarmac when he arrived at Edinburgh airport because it was over eight years old.
--
The Pope is teaching his young nephew how to wank. "This is great" said the nephew. The pope replied "Wait until you're 13, you'll then be able to use your own cock!"
--
A paedophile, a homophobe, a hypocrite and a Nazi walk into a bar. The barman says "Hello your Holiness".
--
What's the difference between the Pope and George Michael? One has a soul full of hope, the other has a hole full of soap!
--
Eggs Benedict: Poached eggs, toasted English muffin, Hollandaise sauce, concealment of paedophiles, ham.
--
George Michael has been found in his prison cell with a chocolate bar up his arse. A prison spokesman said it was just a careless Wispa....
--
George Michael has been forced to give hand jobs to his fellow inmates before having to make hot chocolate drinks for them. He is now working on a new song about his time inside. It's called "Wank me off before your Cocoa".

[Baldesto]

A city gal and her new hubby move to the country. She had always wanted a horse. One day while in the next borough, she sees one for sale and buys it. It"s early, no one is around and she wants to "feel free" so she takes off all her clothing and starts riding along the lake.

Along the way she rides through a very small town. She doesn"t care, but a few old men are outside and they stare at her as she rides by. She"s so happy she gets on her cell phone and calls her husband and tells him she bought a horse.

He asks, "Is it a male or a female?" She replies, "I"m positive it"s a female". "Honey, you know nothing about horses," he asks, "how do you know it"s a female?" "Because as I was riding through a small town, some men were outside and I heard them say, "Would you look at the cunt on that horse!"

[Baldesto]

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.

The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

[Baldesto]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing Mick" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejesus out of me" says an obviously embarrassed. Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[Baldesto]

ok berg?

[Zarkov]

Stick those up your arse Berg.

[BerG]

Lol.

[Baldesto]

sigh ,neg rep for RACIST jokes.thanks grim. they are just fucking jokes. its people like you and your pious fucking attitudes that will make me stop posting here.wanker.

[Ngati_Grim]

Just jokes....awesome. Great attitude. Wanker.