joke thread

[Baldesto]

Walking down the road the other day and saw a car full of Muslims get hit by a truck. All in the car were killed. Thought to myself 'farrrrrrrrrk that could have been me... I've got a truck licence'.
--
Two gays, Rupert and Cecil, are lying in bed together when Rupert starts rubbing Vaseline in his chest. Cecil asks "what are you doing?" Rupert says "I read in a gay magazine that Vaseline stimulates hair growth and I want a hairy chest!" Cecil says "Don't be so fucking stupid, if that were true I'd have a ponytail sticking out of my arse!"
--
Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, "I gonna do that when I win lottery" 'What's dat?" says his mate. "Send me lawn away to be cut".
--
The Police are looking for a person that steals vibrators, licks balls, and likes it up the arse. What should I do? Pretend I don't know you?

[Baldesto]

WHO'S YOUR BABY DADDY
The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing the father's details or to put it another way... who's your baby daddy?

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculat and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise...

7. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time... well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsay did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St mine might have remained unfertilised.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[Baldesto]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

[Baldesto]

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife. But... after several weeks, my penis had grown 12 inches. I became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that though rare my condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," the wife said coldly, "you're going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?

[Baldesto]

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a $5.00 bill. The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father, you're a virgin."

The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house. It's a really hot day and he only just manages to finish the job without collapsing.

The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5.00 bill. Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".

At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?" "Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt..."

[Baldesto]

Paramedics attend a nasty accident involving a sports car. They see the driver screaming in pain and shout "Calm down sir, at least you haven't been flung out thru the windscreen like your girlfriend" The driver screams back "Have you seen what's in her mouth?"
--
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened!?" The pilot's reply "I don't know... I just got here myself!"
--
I spent some time by the wife's grave today. She doesn't know... she thinks I'm digging a pond.
--
Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane... He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore between her legs with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching. "Awww shit!" he murmurs, "Fuzz!" "What did ya expect?" Phoebe says, "A perm?"
--
I braked as hard as I could but still hit the car in front of me. A gorgeous blonde gets out and yells at me "Ram me up the arse why don't you?" This, Your Honour, is where I believe all the confusion began..."

[Baldesto]

WISDOM FROM MILITARY TRAINING MANUALS

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-US. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
-General Mac Arthur

"You, you, and you... panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-Infantry Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."
-Army Ordnance Manual

"Five second fuses last about three seconds."
-Infantry Journal

The three most useless things in aviation are: fuel in the bowser, runway behind you, and air above you.
-Basic Flight Training Manual

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
-Naval Ops Manual

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Infantry Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him."
-Infantry Journal

"Yeah, though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 feet and climbing."
-Sign over SR71 Wing Ops

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
-Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
-Unknown Author

"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe."
-Fixed Wing Pilot

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
-Multi-Engine Training Manual

"Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club."
-Unknown Author

"If you hear me yell "Eject, Eject, Eject!" the last two will be echoes." If you stop to ask "Why?" you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot."
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies... but If ATC screws up... the pilot dies."
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

"Never trade luck for skill."
-Author Unknown

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: "Did you feel that?" "What's that noise?" and "Oh shit!"
-Authors Unknown

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
-Basic Flight Training Manual

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
-Emergency Checklist

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
-Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
-Lead-in Fighter Training Manual

[Baldesto]

The 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "Don't sell that cow."

[Baldesto]

A medical student just finished her last semester and was heading out to apply to a hospital. The director of the hospital thought the woman was very bright and had a lot of potential. But the doctor wanted to ask her a few questions just to quiz her.

"Well," said the doctor, "you seem very qualified. But a few questions before we make anything definite, ok?" "Of course," said the woman.

"Ok, what do we call the operation of removing your tonsils?" asked the director
"That's easy," the woman said, "A Tonsillectomy." "Very good. Ok, What is the removal of your appendix called?" the director continued. "That would be an Appendectomy," the woman said confidentially.

"Good job. One more. What do we call a sex change operation?" the director asked. Now the woman was very intelligent and she learned every medical term known to man, but for some reason she could not remember what a sex change operation was called. She sat staring at the wall for some time before the director began to get anxious. "Do you know?" he asked repeatedly.

Regaining her composure she finally smiled and said "Of course... an Addadictomy."

[Baldesto]

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."

"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, "the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.

Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mum said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."

[Baldesto]

A man goes into an ice cream parlour and says, "I'd like two scoops of vanilla ice cream, please." The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of vanilla."

"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of vanilla ice cream." "You don't understand, Sir," the girl says. "We have no vanilla." "Then just give me some vanilla," he says.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell CHOC, as in chocolate?"
The man says, "C-H-O-C." "Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry." "OK. S-T-R-A-W."

"Now," the girl says, "spell FUCK, as in vanilla." The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no fuck in vanilla." "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.

[Baldesto]

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail, lobster, champagne etc. I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" "No," she replied "But my mother isn't expecting a blow job tonight either!" I said "Enjoy..."
--
While watching the Commonwealth Games in India recently I saw a sign that said "English speaking taxi driver". I thought, "What a fucking great idea! Why don't we have them in our country!?"
--
Garry Glitter is moving to Chile. He says it's the only place you can slide a minor up and down, and have an audience cheer you on at the same time...
--
The second-grade class had gone to lunch and the restroom and returned to class. The teacher did not see Johnnie. She asked "Where's Johnnie?" One of the students replied, "He's in the bathroom lying on the floor." She asked, "Why is he doing that?" The child said, "I don't know. He's been like that since he stuck the scissors in the light socket."
--
A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!" Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?"

[Baldesto]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me!"

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[Baldesto]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree!" "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?" "Pepe... ees not a bacon tree... ees... ees... aes a ham bush...!"

[Baldesto]

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of tourists.
--
Man said to his wife "All right you sexy thing, upstairs now!" She looked at him and said "Ooh you kinky bastard." He said "No, seriously, hockey is starting, now fuck off!"
--
It's emerged that those poor Chilean miners weren't being paid while they were stuck in the mine. So I'm now not sure who has screwed more miners. The Chilean Government or the Catholic Church?

[Baldesto]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent and a thoroughly educated bird"

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

"Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, because I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims, "and she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!"

[Baldesto]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... tall, muscular, tanned etc.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says "I don't know about you but I stepped on a Duck".

[Baldesto]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks "What happened?" The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?" The Doctor says "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick?"

[Baldesto]

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?"

"It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water!"

"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once... "I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!"

[Baldesto]

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the bottom of the garden.
--
A guy goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
--
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!
--
There's only one thing worse than shitting the bed: having 2 smear it around your girlfriend's arse so she thinks that it's her fault.

[Baldesto]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta' be kiddin' me". "No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious the man says "Well, okay..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by and saw the poor guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked and asked "What happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just isn't your day is it, cupcake...?"

[Baldesto]

A man goes to see his priest. "Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The priest asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The priest, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The priest then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the priest calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the priest replied, "Take the poison."

[Baldesto]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[Baldesto]

Three old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.

One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are!" The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools!" One of the old Grandmas called back "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?" Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison... "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

[Baldesto]

Logan: Dude, dude, did you hear about the smoking hot twins I've been banging for the last month and a half?

James: No i haven't, are they like really hot twins or are they kinda fugly and you're banging them jus cuz they're twins?

Logan: No dude, they're totally fucking gorgeous plus they're complete fucking nymphos. I met them at a sex shop and so now every time i come over to their place we just have completely nasty kinky vile sex for hours and hours on end. Then, after they've totally worn me out, they just dildo and go down on each other and let me watch, its fucking incredible, i hit the fucking jackpot man.

James: hahaha that's awesome dude, but how can you tell the difference between them? Does one of them have a sexy mole on her ass or something?

Logan: Well, Cindy has absolutely voluptuous C cups, long blonde flowing hair, and the ass of a black goddess while David is bald but has a really thick mustache