joke thread

[Baldesto]

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by  himself.  Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's  the  problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000."  said the  friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in  July," the friend  continued, "My father died, leaving me  $50,000." The man looking  concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in  two months. No wonder you're  depressed." The friend continues, "And  last month my aunt died, and  left me $15,000." "Three close family  members lost in three months!?  I'm so sorry!" "Then this  month..." continued the guy "Nothing! Not a  single dime!"
                    --
                    I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice and knock  herself  unconscious... well I say 'poor' because the old cow only had  $2.34 in her  purse.
                    --
  "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but  apparently your  child was born with no arms, only one leg, and teeth that  project six  inches out of its mouth." Mr. Jones cries, "My God! What  will we do  with such a deformed baby?" The doctor says "Use it as a  rake?"'
                    --
                  A girl asks her Doctor how many calories are in sperm.  The  Doctor says "Believe me, if you swallow no guy will care if you're   fat".

[Baldesto]

One weekend three mates decided to go wild pig  hunting and  kangaroo shooting near Meekatharra. Perplexed, after five  long hot days and  nights camping in the sticks and not so much as even  seeing a pig or roo they  agree to go to town and buy some fresh  provisions.
                   Whilst in town they go into the  pub and convey their misery  to the publican - not even a glimpse of a  kangaroo or pig they exclaimed!
                   He said "Well why don't you shoot  a couple of  aboriginals. It's legal up here this time of year".  "Bullshit!"  they said "You're having a lend of us!" The bartender said   "Nope. Fair dinkum. You can shoot them here this time of year".
                   So the guys bought a carton of  beer and loaded up the ute.  One of them thought for a minute and said  "I'll go back inside and double  check". Again he asked the publican  "Are you sure you can shoot abo's  up here mate?" "Yep" he said "You  want it in writing?"
                   When he returned to the ute he  noticed the carton  missing.  Sure enough 50 metres down the  main  street and there was an aboriginal with his carton of Crownies on his   shoulder.
                   He grabbed his gun lined up the bastard up in his sights and  dropped him with one shot there in the main street.
                   Before you know it two cop cars come racing down the street  towards him.
                   "What the bloody hell do you  think you're  doing???" screamed the cop. He says "Well the bloke in the  pub told  me it's ok to shoot aboriginals!" They said "Yeah that's not a   problem! But fair go mate... you can't set traps!"

[Baldesto]

MALE SENSITIVITY TEST
                   1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred  to as:
                    A. Lovemaking.
                    B. Screwing.
                  C. Taking the dickskin rocket to tuna town.
                   2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only  after you've both shared:
                    A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual  relationship.
                    B. Your blood test results.
                  C. Five tequila slammers.
                   3. You time your orgasm so that:
                    A. Your partner climaxes first.
                    B. You both climax simultaneously
                  C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.
                   4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
                    A. Healthy, creative love-play.
                    B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
                  C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out  about.
                   5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had  sex with is:
                    A. The best part of the experience.
                    B. The second best part of the experience.
                  C. $100 extra.
                   6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the  last month. You tell her that it is:
                    A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
                    B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
                  C. A conservative estimate.
                   7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
                    A. A myth.
                    B. An oxymoron.
                  C. A moron.
                   8. Foreplay is to sex as:
                    A. An appetiser is to entree.
                    B. Primer is to paint.
                  C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
                   9. Which of the following are you most likely to find  yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
                    A. "I hope we can still be friends."
                    B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the  beep."
                  C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
                   10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
                    A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope  with that sort of intimacy.
                    B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
                  C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first  place.
                   Evaluating Results
                    -If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your  pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
                    -If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into  therapy. You're a little confused.
                  -If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU  DA MAN"

[Baldesto]

Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You gotta  be  shitting me?" came from? Well, it just so happens to have originated  from back  when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with  his troops.
                   There were 33 [remember this  number] in Washington's boat.  It was extremely dark and storming  furiously and the water was tossing them  about. Finally, Washington  grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and  stationed him at the  front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep  swinging it,  so they could see where they were heading.
                   Corporal Peters, through driving  rain and cold, continued  swinging the lantern back and forth, back and  forth. Then a big gust of wind  and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters  and his lantern into the Delaware.  Washington and his troops searched  for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal  Peters, but to no avail. All  of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been  one of their  favourites.
                   Sometime later, Washington and  his troops landed on the  other side, wet and totally exhausted. He  rallied the troops and told them that  they must go on.
                   Another hour later, one of his  men said, "General, I  see lights ahead." They trudged toward the lights  and came upon a huge  house. What they didn't know, was that this was a  house of ill repute hidden in  the forest to serve all who came.  General Washington pounded on the door, his  men crowding around him.  The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a  beautiful woman. A  huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing  there.
                   Washington was the first to  speak, "Madam, I am General  George Washington and these are my men. We  are tired, wet, exhausted, and  desperately need warmth and comfort."  Again, the Madam looked at all the  men standing there, and with a broad  smile on her face, said, "Well  General, you have come to the right  place. We can surely give you warmth and  comfort. How many men do you  have?" Washington replied, "Well madam,  there are 32 of us without  Peters." And the Madam said, "You gotta be  shitting me!?"

[Baldesto]

The world's greatest charade player brags that he  can guess any charade. A TV producer decides to use the charade player  in a TV special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a  million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television.
                   The charade player agrees. Come the big night, all the world is watching.
                   The charade player is sitting on  stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to  reveal seven nude young women. The second and fourth ladies are holding  their breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are  baring their behinds. The charade player barely glances over them and  says, "The William Tell Overture by Rossini."
                   The flabbergasted producer says  in awe, "You've done it! That's the correct answer. You are indeed the  greatest charade player!" and he hands him a check for a million bucks.
                   Walking out, a reporter stops the  charade player and ask him how he did it." It's really simple," says  the charade player. "One look at the positions of the seven women, and I  realised it as the William Tell Overture. Rump... titty... rump...  titty... rump... rump... rump."

[Baldesto]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who  worked as  aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was  fogged in and they  were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
                   Dave said "Man I wish we had  something to drink."  Jim says "Me too, you know, I've heard you can  drink jet fuel and get a  buzz... you wanna try it?"
                   So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane  booze and get completely smashed.
                   The next morning Dave wakes up  and is surprised at how good  he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO  hangover! NO bad side effects at all.  Nothing!
                   Then the phone rings, it's Jim.  Jim says "Hey, how did  you feel this morning?" Dave Says, "I feel  great, how about  you?" Jim says "I feel great too. You don't have a  hangover?"  Dave Says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangover -  nothing. We  ought to do this more often."
                   "Yeah well there's just one thing... have you farted  yet?" "No" "Well DON'T because I'm in New Zealand!"

[Baldesto]

A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside  the  station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon  with little  ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly  coiled in the middle.
                   The girl was wearing a  fire-fighters helmet. The wagon was  being pulled by her dog and her  cat. The fire-fighter walked over to take a  closer look.
                   "That sure is a nice fire truck,"  the fire-fighter  said with admiration... "Thanks," the girl replied.  The fire-fighter  looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to  her dog's collar and to  the cat's testicles.
                   "Little partner," the  fire-fighter said, "I  don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but  if you were to tie that rope  around the cat's collar, I think you could  go faster."
                   The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably  right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[TofuEater]

This one came through the email today. Not sure if it should go in the joke thread or politics - not that there's a lot of difference, tbh.
 

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hone Hawariwa and how he got to be an MP.
The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hone is just a Post Tortoise." Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, What's a "Post Tortoise?"
 
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."
 
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bastard put him there in the first place."

[Ngati_Grim]

Bad form with the aborigine joke Baldy, but I wouldn't expect anything less from you, arse





This joke is homophonic:

Have you ever used a dictaphone?

Nope, I prefer to use my fingers.

[BerG]

This one came through the email today. Not sure if it should go in the joke thread or politics - not that there's a lot of difference, tbh.

Hone Harawira, New Zealand Maori Party Member of Parliament (alias John Hadfield, his true name, his grandfather was a pakeha)

On a recent trip to the U.S.A. Hone Harawira was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B.C. due to his recent examples of how to inflame the Maori Indigenous situation in New Zealand.

He spoke for almost an hour, echoing his racist mother's doomed-to-fail radical ideas for increasing any First Nation's standard of living.

At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented Hone with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle".

The proud Hone then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.

A news reporter later asked the American Indian Chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Hone.

They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

[Baldesto]

have it your way grim.last post from me you anal fuck.

[TofuEater]

Mate, don't be like that. As soon as you give in to the tossers they have won. Keep posting the jokes, everyone else appreciates them. :rnr:

[Ngati_Grim]

One weekend three mates decided to go wild pig  hunting and  kangaroo shooting near Meekatharra. Perplexed, after five  long hot days and  nights camping in the sticks and not so much as even  seeing a pig or roo they  agree to go to town and buy some fresh  provisions.
                   Whilst in town they go into the  pub and convey their misery  to the publican - not even a glimpse of a  kangaroo or pig they exclaimed!
                   He said "Well why don't you shoot  a couple of  aboriginals. It's legal up here this time of year".  "Bullshit!"  they said "You're having a lend of us!" The bartender said   "Nope. Fair dinkum. You can shoot them here this time of year".
                   So the guys bought a carton of  beer and loaded up the ute.  One of them thought for a minute and said  "I'll go back inside and double  check". Again he asked the publican  "Are you sure you can shoot abo's  up here mate?" "Yep" he said "You  want it in writing?"
                   When he returned to the ute he  noticed the carton  missing.  Sure enough 50 metres down the  main  street and there was an aboriginal with his carton of Crownies on his   shoulder.
                   He grabbed his gun lined up the bastard up in his sights and  dropped him with one shot there in the main street.
                   Before you know it two cop cars come racing down the street  towards him.
                   "What the bloody hell do you  think you're  doing???" screamed the cop. He says "Well the bloke in the  pub told  me it's ok to shoot aboriginals!" They said "Yeah that's not a   problem! But fair go mate... you can't set traps!"

You are a cunt.

It's not even funny and YOU ARE A CUNT.

I don't care if I'm the only person with "a problem" regarding this, it's not even funny you cunt.

What a fucking redneck wanker.

[Zarkov]

Mate, don't be like that. As soon as you give in to the tossers they have won. Keep posting the jokes, everyone else appreciates them. :rnr:

Bullshit, it was over the top.

[Zarkov]

Bad form with the aborigine joke Baldy, but I wouldn't expect anything less from you, arse





This joke is homophonic:

Have you ever used a dictaphone?

Nope, I prefer to use my fingers.

Just report the post, leave the angry ranting to us.

[TofuEater]

Bullshit, it was over the top.

Meh, considering all the good jokes that Baldy's posted i wouldn't want to see him stop on account of one that didn't quite hit the mark (well maybe it did). Frankly, considering half the shit around these forums, i, for one, welcome our new joke overlord.

[Zarkov]

Meh, considering all the good jokes that Baldy's posted i wouldn't want to see him stop on account of one that didn't quite hit the mark (well maybe it did). Frankly, considering half the shit around these forums, i, for one, welcome our new joke overlord.

I agree with you.

Jokes are a tricky subject, and when you post as many as he does, some are bound to offend.

However that one would have been offensive to a lot of people and it opened the door to a genre that's not acceptable in a NZ public forum.

You can't just say "it's a joke, so it's ok".

Or "if you don't think it's funny you're being PC".

That's just trying to marginalize people who don't agee with you.

[Spork]

You can't just say "it's a joke, so it's ok".

Living in Australia this is one of the most heard comments after most jokes.

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Allen Ten posted on your Wall.
 
Allen wrote:
"A man has unhappy his girlfriend hanging out with another man. then he follow her to the club and saw she seems like hanky panky with another man.
then her boyfriend hold a liquid of bottle to splash on her face and said: im gonna destroy your face!! how dare are you do like this behind me!?
 
other people were scary about that girl been ⋯⋯destroyed and all run away!!
the girl very fear but she doesn`t have feels any painful on her face. then ask her boyfriend: what did you throwing on my face?
 
her boyfriend said: it is a makeup remover...."

[SteddieEddie]

^^^ I can't figure out if it is a bad joke or just delivered badly, probably a bit of both

[Spork]

Might as well delete this thread now.

Thanks for ruining it Grim. =(

[LeadCollector]

I miss Baldesto

[Scunner]

^^^ I can't figure out if it is a bad joke or just delivered badly, probably a bit of both

Are you kidding? That's the most awesome delivered joke I've ever heard.

"the girl very fear but she doesn`t have feels any painful on her face. then ask her boyfriend: what did you throwing on my face?

her boyfriend said: it is a makeup remover...."

Gold!

[Ngati_Grim]

Mate, don't be like that. As soon as you give in to the tossers they have won. Keep posting the jokes, everyone else appreciates them. :rnr:

 

Might as well delete this thread now.

Thanks for ruining it Grim. =(

haha. Really? I thought racism ruined it, but meh. So be it.


 
http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/2011/feb/05/top-gear-offensive-steve-coogan?intcmp=239

[Spork]

It was in the joke thread.. It was a joke! Honest sir!