joke thread

[Ngati_Grim]

Did you even read the article?

[Zarkov]

Are you kidding? That's the most awesome delivered joke I've ever heard.

"the girl very fear but she doesn`t have feels any painful on her face. then ask her boyfriend: what did you throwing on my face?

her boyfriend said: it is a makeup remover...."

Gold!

That was funnier than any of Spork's jokes.

[Spork]

I read the first half of it, saw it was some person complaining about racism, realised that I know it is bad, and moved on.

[Spork]

That was funnier than any of Spork's jokes.

Hahaha, oh Zarkov.

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.

Here is one which I am sure Flash will know the answer of!

How do you know when your cat has been using your computer? When your mouse has teeth marks on it!

[Ngati_Grim]

Artificial Intelligence stands no chance against Natural Stupidity.


Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.




A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “do you have any grapes?” “Nope” responded the bartender, “try somewhere else.” The duck walks out and back in, “do you sell grapes?” “I told you already I don’t” responded the bartender, “stop bothering me.” The duck walks back out and then back in again, “stop right where you are” the bartender screams “you ask me again if I have grapes I will take a hammer and nail your feet to the floor.” The duck walks out and then back in again, “do you sell nails?” he asks “No” responded the bartender.” “Do you sell grapes?”



What's another word for thesaurus?

[Spork]

[Zarkov]

Hahaha, oh Zarkov.

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.

Here is one which I am sure Flash will know the answer of!

How do you know when your cat has been using your computer? When your mouse has teeth marks on it!

That's better!

Cat humour is the best.

[Ngati_Grim]

Much against my better judgement, doggone it:

The Cat Scan

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350."

"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."

[Zarkov]

Much against my better judgement, doggone it:

The Cat Scan

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350."

"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."

Haha.

[BerG.]

Kind of ruined it by having the punchline as the title.

[Ngati_Grim]

oh well

the joke was in the first line....

[Spork]

Haha hilarious.

[Ngati_Grim]

It was specific.....

[private_hell]

Air  Force pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive  woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for  a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
The Air Force pilot explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any underwear….”
“The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing
underwear!”
The Air Force pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”

[private_hell]

A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot, asking him how it was in the war. “Vell,” said the old guy, “vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem  Krauts. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky.”
 “For the benefit of our viewers,” interrupted the reporter, “we  should explain that the term ‘fokker’ refers to a specific type of  German fighter plane.”
 “Vell ya,” said the old Scandianvian pilot, “but those fokkers were Messerschmitt’s.”

[private_hell]

joke thread

 - Airplanes usually kill you quickly – a woman takes her time.
- Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
- Airplanes don’t get mad if you do a “touch and go”.
- Airplanes don’t object to a preflight inspection.
- Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
- Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
- Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
- Airplanes don’t come with in-laws.
- Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you’ve flown before.
- Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
- Airplanes don’t mind if you look at other airplanes.
- Airplanes don’t mind if you buy airplane magazines.
- Airplanes expect to be tied down.
- Airplanes don’t comment on your piloting skills.
- Airplanes don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
 However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it’s usually not good.

[henno]

A banker, a National MP and a beneficiary are having morning tea with a plate of 12 biscuits.
The banker takes 11, then leans over to the MP and whispers, "Watch out for the beneficiary, she's after your biscuit."
 
(Stolen from NZ Herald)

[Spork]

Last post 4 weeks ago.. =(

Thank Vodnik that Baldy is a BW member.

Anyway, here are some great pickup lines for any Harry Potter fans!

You are like a bottle of Skele-Gro: You're growing me a bone.

I'd like to get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets.

I'm not wearing an invisibility cloak, but do you think I could still visit your restricted section tonight?

My name may not be Luna, but I sure know how to Lovegood!

You don't even have to say "Luminos Maxima" to turn me on!

Did you survive the Avada Kedavra, because you're drop dead gorgeous!

Wow, when I said ‘Accio Hottie’ I didn’t expect it to work!

I must have had some Felix Felicis because I’m about to get lucky!

If I was to find the Room of Requirement, you’d be the only thing in it.

I've been whomping my willow thinking about you.

You don't have to worry about me, I've been tested for Hogwarts, if you know what I mean.

Hey baby, how about I be the Seeker, so I can get your Snitch?

I know I'm not Head Boy, but you can be my "head" girl.

My basilisk is ready to do some Slytherin.

You look like you'd be a good Quidditch player. Want to ride my broomstick?

If I try hard enough, I can get a really big patronus. All I have to do is think of you

Im just like Oliver Wood, baby… I’m a keeper!

That's all folks.

[SteddieEddie]

Once upon a time... a prince ask a princess, will you marry me. The princess said NO and well he lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and fucked skinny big titted  broads and hunted and raced cars and went to nudie bars and vacationed around the world and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and tequila and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and ate out shaved pussies and ass fucked cheerleaders and kept his house and shot guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and bought a big boat and all his friends and family thought he was fucking cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up all the time.

The end

[Emrico1]

So a rapist says to a girl, "you had me a hell no"
(Will Ferell on twitter)

And one I made up

What did the Dwarf say to the Cashier?

I'm a little short.

[Spork]

Haha nice!

[Tiwaking!]

Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted".

Billy said, "Ye know Pa', it's a shame Paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".

[Spork]

Awesome, I definitely have to remember that one!

[private_hell]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie,  out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful  day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ‘Pierre, kiss me!’
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.
‘What are you doing, Pierre ?’ says the startled Marie.
‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!’
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ‘Pierre, kiss me lower.’
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
‘Pierre! What are you doing now?’ asks the bewildered Marie.
‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!’
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ‘Pierre, kiss me much lower!’
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, ‘PIERRE , WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?’
Our ‘hero’ stands and says defiantly, ‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!’

[420fairy]

http://bros.failblog.org/2011/05/27/guidos-bros-douchebags-fratboys-bro-tip-never-stand-behind-another-bro-thats-sneezing-in-the-shower/

not ajoke but epic gif that made coke come out my nose!