joke thread

[SteddieEddie]

A rather crude, Professor at the University of Georgia was giving a lecture
on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what
your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

[Ethanor]

Think before you speak...

Spoiler :

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j0b?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
 I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
 He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with
mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was  on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between erran ds
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes  with me.." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[TofuEater]

God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven......
The man said he would try his best.
 God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
"Not bad" said the man, "I really am trying my best, I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pulled  her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side and ravished her right there ".
"They don't like that in heaven", said God...
The man replied "They weren’t too happy about it in Harvey Normans Furniture Store either!"

[camy205]

A man goes into a Book shop and asks the young female assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title. "
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
The man said, "That's the one. I'll take a copy."

[420fairy]

this thread needs more baldesto

[Spork]

^ 100% this and then about 100% more. Totally agree, thread is 100% dead without 100% baldy.

[Scunner]

If it was 100% dead, then there wouldn't be new jokes since Baldy stop posting.

That's just basic math.

[Lyesalot]

If it was 100% dead, then there wouldn't be new jokes since Baldy stop posting.

That's just basic math.

98% dead then

[Tiwaking!]

this thread needs more baldesto

During World War II, a sergeant stationed at Fort Benning gets a telephone call from a woman.

"We would love it," she said, "if you could bring five of your soldiers over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner."

"Certainly, ma'am," replied the sergeant.

"Oh... just make sure they aren't Jews, of course," said the woman.

"Will do," replied the sergeant.


So, that Thanksgiving, while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her.

"Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake!"

"No ma'am," said one of the soldiers. "Sergeant Rosenbloom never makes mistakes!"

[Scunner]

If a plane has an all female flight crew, is then cockpit then called the box office?

[kilabee]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

[Spork]

I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"

He answered, "I don't know."

I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."

[Ethanor]

Irish Medical Dictionary
The Irish have the lowest stress rate
because they do not take medical terminology seriously
You are going to die anyway, so live life
 
Medical Term       Irish Definition
Artery   -   The study of paintings
Bacteria   -   Back door to cafeteria
Barium   -   What doctors do when patients die
Benign   -   What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section   -   A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan   -   Searching for Kitty
Cauterize   -   Made eye contact with her
Colic   -   A sheep dog
Coma   -   A punctuation mark
Dilate   -   To live long
Enema   -   Not a friend
Fester   -   Quicker than someone else
Fibula   -   A small lie
Impotent   -   Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain   -   Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff   -   A Doctor's cane
Morbid   -   A higher offer
Nitrates   -   Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node   -   I knew it
Outpatient   -   A person who has fainted
Pelvis   -   Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative   -   A letter carrier
Recovery Room   -   Place to do upholstery
Rectum   -   Nearly killed him
Secretion   -   Hiding something
Seizure   -   Roman Emperor
Tablet   -   A small table
Terminal Illness   -   Getting sick at the airport
Tumour   -   One plus one more
Urine   -   Opposite of you're out

[EnjoyTheSauce]

Jim had a good business, a loving wife, two children, and a good house.
One day as he is eating breakfast he hears a booming voice, "Jim I want you to sell your business."
Jim is startled, "Why?"
"Just do it, trust me."
"Who are..."
"TRUST ME"
So Jim ends up selling his business for 3 million dollars.
"Now I want you to go to Las Vegas."
"Vegas?"
"VEGAS."
So Jim listens and goes to Vegas.
"Play Black Jack Jim," the booming voice tells him.
"Black Jack?" Jim responds.
"Black Jack."
So Jim walks over to the Black Jack table and takes a seat.
"Jim," the voice tells him "bet everything on this hand."
"Wait, what?"
"Trust me," the voice tells him.
"3 million dollars on this next hand," Jim tells to the dealer.
The dealer is dumbfounded, slowly he nods and deals out the cards. Jim gets a Jack and a 4, 14.
"Take a card," the voice tells him.
"Hit me," Jim says.
He gets a 3, he has 17.
"Take another card."
"What?"
"Take another CARD"
"H-Hit me" Jim Is starting to sweat now. The dealer deals him an ACE, 18.
"Take another card Jim."
Jim yells, "I have 18!"
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
Jim squeaks, "Hit me."
He gets a TWO! Jim is at 20!
"Sta..."
"Take another card Jim."
"I Have 20, I'm going to Stay!" Jim shouts!
"JIM I COMMAND YOU TO TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
"Hit me," Jim whispers, he is dealt an Ace... 21
The dealer is lost for words, Jim is close to tears.
After what seemed like an eternity the Voice says something,
"No Fucking Way..."

[SteddieEddie]

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly. "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully. "Are-my-test-re-sults-back?

[SteddieEddie]

Me, behave? Seriously? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. The fault is not mine!

[SteddieEddie]

For everyone who is a little stressed, I am passing this on, because it def worked for me today, and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Patron', a bottle of Vodka, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum

[Spigalau]

Battlefield 3 beta

...oops too soon ?

[SteddieEddie]

Got home from work the other day and the wife was all dressed up in her sexy lingerie and giving me the look.

I told her that I had a bad day and just wanted to put my feet up. She said sure, as long as you cut your toenails first.

[SteddieEddie]

!

[SteddieEddie]

Why is Santa always jolly?

Because he knows where the naughty girls live.

[Baldesto]

thats fuckin terribad.

[BerG]

Look at the state of things since you left Baldy.

We need you.

GetSome needs you.

Baldesto: The Dark Knight

[Baldesto]

for berg
A friend of mine just bought a new Xmas tree. Thinking she might need  help, I asked her if she was going to put it up herself? "No" she  replied "I thought it would look nice in the corner of the living room".

[SteddieEddie]

How about this one then.

I was sitting on the bed pulling off my boxers when the wife walked in and said please don't do that to the dogs