joke thread

[Zarkov]

Confusing of with off reduced the lol factor slightly.

[SteddieEddie]

Duly noted

[Baldesto]

An Aussie bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman  was beside  him so he leans over and says "You remind me of my little  toe". She  replies "What?... You mean I'm small and cute?" He  says "No. I'll  probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk"...
                    --
                    Shot my first turkey yesterday. Scared the shit out of  everyone in the frozen food section...
                    --
                    A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other  morning  when in walked a beautiful blonde woman. Without any  preliminaries she declared  that she wanted a divorce. "On what  grounds?" asked the lawyer.  "I don't think he is faithful to me" she  replied. "And what  makes you think he isn't faithful?" asked the  lawyer. "Well for one  thing" replied the young lady "I don't think he's  the father of my  child".
                    --
                    In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a  goat's lower  intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea,  by taking the  intestine out of the goat first. I hope you appreciate  this history update.
                    --
                   
--
                  My wife suffocated today, but at least she got to see her  new pillow right before she died.

[Tiwaking!]

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

Spoiler :

Because he took a bite of his pizza before it was cool

[Spork]

This one was on a fairly well known Aussie radio station last week (Triple J).

What did the Kiwi say to the statue?

Statue bro? (stat you bro - that you bro?

Much better when you mimic the silly Kiwi accent, which I don't know if any of you guys can do that.

[Baldesto]

fuck me spork, that is utter shit ....

[Baldesto]

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a   fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a  conversation  and eventually asks the hooker "How much do you charge?"  The Hooker  replies "It starts at $500 for a handjob". The guy says  "$500  dollars! For a handjob! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind  of  money!"
                   The hooker says "Do you see that  Denny's on the  corner?" "Yes". "Do you see the Denny's about a block  further  down?" "Yes". "And beyond that, do you see that third   Denny's?" "Yes". "Well" says the hooker, smiling  invitingly "I own  those. And I own them because I give a handjob that's  worth $500".
                   So the guy says "What the hell? You only live once  right... I'll give it a try".
                   They retire to a nearby motel. A  short time later, the guy  is sitting on the bed realsing that he has  just experienced the hand-job of a  lifetime, worth every bit of $500.  He is so amazed, he says "I suppose a  blowjob is $1000?" The hooker  replies "$1,500". "I wouldn't  pay that for a blowjob!"
                   The hooker replies "Step over  here to the window, big  boy. Do you see that casino just across the                      street? I own that casino outright. And I own it  because I  give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1500". The guy,  basking in the  afterglow of that terrific handjob, decides to put off  the new car for another  year or so and says "Sign me up".
                   Ten minutes later he's sitting on  the bed more amazed than  before. He can scarcely believe it but he  feels he truly got his money's worth.  He decides to dip into the  retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable  experience.
                   He asks the hooker "How much for  some pussy?" The  hooker says "Come over here to the window, I want to  show you something.  Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid  out before us - all those  beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and  shows?" "Damn!" the guy  says, in awe "You own the WHOLE city?" "No" the  hooker  replies "but I would if I had a pussy".

[EnjoyTheSauce]

This one was on a fairly well known Aussie radio station last week (Triple J).

What did the Kiwi say to the statue?

Statue bro? (stat you bro - that you bro?

Much better when you mimic the silly Kiwi accent, which I don't know if any of you guys can do that.

I believe its a traditional Maori joke:


(@48secs)

[Spork]

Hah, nice.

[Baldesto]

NEW WORDS AND PHRASES FOR 2012
                   BROFESSIONAL: Your perpetually single friend who is always  available for a night of debauchery with otherwise married, stay-at-home types.
                   TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around while talking  bollocks.
                   CARNIVOYEUR: A vegetarian (or vegan) who digs watching  others chomp on cooked flesh.
                   SINBAD: Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend  and desperate.
                   FREDDY COUGAR: A scary, middle-aged (or older) woman who  mistakenly thinks she's more desirable than she actually is.
                   PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap  out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
                   FREEBOOBING: The act of wearing a tight blouse sans bra.  Think of it as the female equivalent of a man's freeballing.
                   INEPTOCRACY: A government or state ruled by people who are  incompetent.
                   MILLENNIUM DOMES:  The contents of a Wonderbra. IE. extremely  impressive when viewed from  the outside, but there's actually nothing in there  worth seeing.
                   KARDASHIANED:  Coined following the 72 day marriage of Kim  Kardashian to Kris  Humphries, it means the act of being blindsided following an   ill-advised wedding.
                   JOHNNY-NO-STARS:  A young man of substandard intelligence,  the typical adolescent who  works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes  from the badges  displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear  to show  their level of training.
                   RECYCLEOPATH:  Person who is militant when it comes to  recycling and goes apeshit  when you accidentally forget to separate one lousy  plastic water bottle  from a bag of trash.
                   BLAMESTORMING: Sitting round in a group, discussing why a  deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
                   TEBOWING:  Idiotic move of getting down on one knee in order  to 'speak' to some  imaginary 'friend'. Primarily used by egotistical athletes  who think  deities give a crap about some pass or play.
                   SWAMP DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.
                   SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of  noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.  
                   HUMBLEBRAG: An ostensibly humble comment that also  demonstrates the person's wealth, fame, or importance.
                   ASSMOSIS: The process by which people seem to absorb success  and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
                   SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day  swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
                   CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
                   PRAIRIE DOGGING:  When someone yells or drops something  loudly in a cube farm, and  people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's  going on. (This also  applies to applause for a promotion because there may be  cake).
                   SITCOM'S:  Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.  What yuppies turn  into when they have children and one of them stops working to  stay home  with the kids or start a 'home business'.
                   BRIGHTSIZING: Corporate downsizing in which the brightest  workers are let go.
                   AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but  still has a 'black box'.
                   ADMINISPHERE:  The rarefied organisational layers beginning  just above the rank and  file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are  often profoundly  inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed  to  solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" -   needless paperwork and processes.
                   GOING FOR A McSHIT:  Entering a fast food restaurant with no  intention of buying food,  you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a  pimply staff member,  your declaration to them that you'll buy their food  afterwards is known  as a McShit with Lies.
                   404:  Someone who's clueless. From the world wide web error  message "404 Not  Found" meaning that the requested document could not  be located.
 OH-NO SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you  realise that you've just Made a BIG mistake.
                   GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
                   MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in  you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
                   MYSTERY BUS:  The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night  while you're in the  toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the  unattractive  people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come  back  in.
                   MYSTERY TAXI:  The taxi that arrives at your place on  Saturday morning before you  wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with,  and leaves a 10-Pinter  in your bed instead.
                   BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking  home after a booze cruise at 3am.
                   BEER COMPASS:  The invisible device that ensures your safe  arrival home after booze  cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where  you live, how  you got here, and where you've come from.
 TART FUEL: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by  young women.
                   PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her,  so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

[Baldesto]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at  our door.  She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible,  skinny, and hair all  matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her  in a carrier and took her to  the vet. We didn't know what to call her  so we named her 'Pussycat.'
                   The vet decided to keep her for a  day or so. He said he  would let us know when we could come and get  her. My husband (the complainer)  said "OK, but don't forget to wash  her, she stinks". He reminded the  vet that it was his WIFE (me) that  wanted the dirty cat, not him.
                   My husband and my Vet don't see  eye to eye. The vet calls my  husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls  the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to  hate each other and constantly  snipe at one another, with my husband getting in  the last word on this  particular occasion.
                   The next day my husband had an  appointment with his doctor,  who is located in the same building, next  door to the vet. The GP's waiting  room and office was full of people  waiting to see the doctor. A side door  opened and the vet leaned in -  he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
                   He looked straight at my husband  and in a loud voice said  "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We  washed and shaved it, and  now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the  way, I think she's pregnant! God  only knows who the father is!" Then he  closed the door. The silence was  deafening.

[Baldesto]

TEN SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
                   RULE ONE: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better  be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up.
                   RULE TWO: Do  not touch my daughter in my presence. You may  glare at her adoringly,  so long as you do not peer at anything below the neck.  If you cannot  keep your eyes or hands off my daughter I will remove them.
                   RULE THREE: I  am aware that it is considered fashionable for  boys your age to wear  their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling  off of your  hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your   friends are idiots. If you show up at my home with your pants falling  down I  will be forced to ensure that they do not come off during the  course of your  date with my daughter by taking my electric staple gun  and fastening the pants  directly to your waist.
                   RULE FOUR: I'm  sure you've been told that sex in today's  world without a "barrier  device" can kill you. Let me elaborate: I am  the barrier, and I will  kill you.
                   RULE FIVE: Current  thinking is that in order for you and me  to get to know each other, we  should talk politics, sports, and other issues.  Do not do this. Your  ignorance and stupidity will only serve to anger me. The  only  information I require of you is when you will have my daughter home. To   this end, you only need two words: "early" and "sir".
                   RULE SIX: I  have no doubt that you are a popular fellow,  with opportunities to  date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it's  okay with my  daughter. Otherwise, once you've gone out with my little girl you  will  continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you   make her cry, I will make you cry harder.
                   RULE SEVEN: As  you stand in my hallway waiting for my  daughter to appear, do not sigh  and fidget. If you want to be on time you  should not be dating my  daughter. She is doing her hair, putting on make-up, or  whatever; a  process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.   Instead of just standing there, do something useful, like change the oil  in my  car.
                   RULE EIGHT: The  following places are not appropriate places  to take my daughter:  places with beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden  stool -  places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight -   places that are dark or poorly lit - places where there is dancing,  holding  hands, or excessive happiness - places where the ambient  temperature is warm  enough to induce my daughter to wear anything other  than overalls, a sweater,  and a goose down parka zipped up to her  throat - movies with a strong romantic  or sexual theme. Hockey games  are okay, old folks homes are better, a convent  is best.
                   RULE NINE: Do  not ever lie to me. I may appear to be a  middle-aged, dim-witted  has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am  the all-knowing  god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with  whom,  you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing  but  the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the  house. Do not  trifle with me.
                   RULE TEN: Be  afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little  for me to mistake the  sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming  over a rice  paddy. When my PTSD starts kicking in, the voices in my head  frequently  tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter  home.  As soon as you pull into driveway, you should exit your car with both   hands in plain sight. Note the camouflaged face in the window is mine.  Speak  the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have  brought my  daughter home safely and early, then return to your car

[Baldesto]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit  the family  ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in  financial trouble. In  order to keep the bank from repossessing the  ranch, they need to purchase a  bull so that they can breed their own  stock.
                   Upon leaving, the brunette tells  her sister "When I get  there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact  you to drive out after me and  haul it home".
                   The brunette arrives at the man's  ranch, inspects the bull,  and decides she wants to buy it. The man  tells her that he will sell it for $599,  no less. After paying him, she  drives to the nearest town to send her sister a  telegram to tell her  the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says  "I want to send a  telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a  bull for our  ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and  drive  out here so we can haul it home".
                   The telegraph operator explains  that he'll be glad to help  her, then adds it will cost 99 cents a  word". Well, after paying for the  bull, the brunette realises that  she'll only be able to send her sister one  word.
                   After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says "I  want you to send her the word 'comfortable'".
                   The operator shakes his head.  "How is she ever going to  know that you want her to hitch the trailer  to your pickup truck and drive out  here to haul that bull back to your  ranch if you send her just the word  'comfortable'?"
                   The brunette explains "My sister's blonde. The word is  big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul".

[Baldesto]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his  first day  there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A  gorgeous petite  blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an  erection.
                   The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says  "Did you call for me?"
                   The man replies "No, what do you mean?"
                   She says "You must be new here.  Let me explain. It's a  rule here that if you get an erection it implies  you called for me".  Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming  pool, lies down on a towel,  eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets  him have his way with her.
                   The man continues to explore the  colony's facilities. He  enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.  Within minutes, a huge, hairy  man lumbers out of the steam-room toward  him "Did you call for me?"  says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?"  says the newcomer.  "You must be new" says the hairy man "it's a rule  that if you  fart, it implies that you called for me". The huge man  easily spins him  around, bends him over a bench and has his way with  him.
                   The newcomer staggers back to the  colony office where he is  greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist  "May I help you?" she  says.
                   The man yells "Here's my membership card. You can have  the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee".
                   "But, sir" she replies "you've  only been here  for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all  our facilities".  The man replies "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only  get an erection  once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!"

[Baldesto]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time "Would  you  like some bacon and eggs, toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice  and  coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right   now. It's this Viagra" he says. "It's really taken the edge off my   appetite".
                   At lunchtime, she asked him if he  would like something.  "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a  cheese sandwich?" He  declines. "The Viagra" he says "It's really  spoiled my need for  food".
                   Come dinnertime, she asks if he  wants anything to eat.  "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some  scrumptious apple pie? Or  maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir  fry?" He declines again.  "No" he says "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm  still not  hungry". "Well" she says "Would you mind getting off me?  Cos  I'm fucking starving".

[Baldesto]

Linda, a blonde, and Jill were chatting over coffee. Said  Linda "I've  been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from  coffee. I'm  fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream or sugar or both I  get a  stabbing pain in one eye". Linda took a sip of her coffee.  "Owwwww!"  she cried. "There it goes again!" Jill says  "take the spoon out of your  cup".
                   
                    --
                    I just got off the phone with friend living in North  Dakota  near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning  the snow has  been nearly waist high and is still falling. The  temperature is dropping way  below zero and the north wind is increasing  to near gale force. His wife has  done nothing but look through the  kitchen window and just stare. He says that  if it gets much worse, he  may have to let her in.
                    --
                   
                    --
                    I walked into the porn shop this morning I said  "Three  of your filthiest porn mags please, mate". He said "Have you got   anything in mind?" I said "Yes, I'm going to have a wank".
                    --
                  So to pass the summer nights away I have started  building a  time machine in the shed, all being well it will be finished  by last Thursday.

[Baldesto]

Just saw a bloke driving while eating ice cream. Fucking  sundae drivers.
                    --
                    I was out walking in the woods when I found a dead  woman's  body. I phoned the police who came straight out. They asked me  how I found the  woman's body. I said "Well her tits were okay but the  rigor mortis made  her arse a bit tight for my liking".
                    --
                    Just won an innuendo contest. Had to beat off some stiff  competition though!!
                    --
                    A teenage girl comes home crying her eyes out. Her  mother  gives her a hug and asks what happened: "My boyfriend dumped  me!" The  mother strokes the girl's hair and starts rambling on about  the birds and the  bees. "Oh shut up, mum!" says the girl. "I suck and  fuck like a  world champion. All he said was that my cooking was shit."
                    --
                    I told my girlfriend today that the male's G-spot is in the  anus. Well, her anus anyway.
                    --
                    A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in  the  smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to  the chemist  for some hair remover. The chemist gave her the product  requested and advised  "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least  five minutes".  "Errr... it's not for my armpits" she flustered,  embarrassed  "It's for my Chihuahua". "Oh well, in that case" said the   chemist "don't ride a bike for twenty minutes".
                    --
                  For sale: Entire Twilight DVD box-set. Free to a good homo.

[Baldesto]

BRITAINS NAVY STEPS INTO THE MODERN WORLD
                   The Royal Navy is proud of its  new fleet of Type 45  destroyers. Having initially named the first two  ships HMS Daring and HMS  Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after  intensive pressure from Brussels,  renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS  Prudence. The next five ships are to be named  HMS Empathy, HMS  Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
                   Costing £850 million each, they  meet the needs of the 21st  century and comply with the very latest  employment, equality, health &  safety and human rights laws. The  new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped  with wheelchair access.  Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to  reduce the risk of  anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of  compensation  claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day  and  each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
                   The crew will be 50/50 men and  women, and balanced in  accordance with the latest Home Office  directives on race, gender, sexuality  and disability. Sailors will only  have to work a maximum of 37 hours per week  in line with Brussels  Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels  will come  equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck   as the Gay Disco.
                   Tobacco will be banned throughout  the ship, but cannabis  will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The  Royal Navy is eager to shed its  traditional reputation for "Rum,  sodomy and the lash" so out has  gone the occasional rum ration which is  to be replaced by sparkling water.  Although sodomy remains, it has now  been extended to include all ratings under  18. The lash will still be  available but only on request. Condoms can be  obtained from the Bosun  in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
                   Saluting officers has been  abolished because it is deemed  elitist and is to be replaced by the  more informal "Hello Sailor".  All information on notices boards will be  printed in 37 different languages and  Braille. Crew members will now  no longer be required to ask permission to grow  beards or moustaches -  this applies equally to women crew members. The MoD is  working on a new  "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is  considered to be  offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been  discarded.
                   The newly re-named HMS Cautious  is due to be commissioned  soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook  from the Finsbury Park Mosque who  will break a petrol bomb over the  hull. She will gently slide into the water as  the Royal Marines Band  plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her  first deployment will be  to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the  channel to ports  on England's south coast.
                   The Prime Minister said "While  these ships reflect the  very latest in modern thinking, they are also  capable of being upgraded to  comply with any new legislation coming out  of Brussels". His final words were "Britannia waives the rules".

[Baldesto]

THE COSTA CONCORDIA
                   -I was watching the news about  the stricken cruise ship when the Sky News presenter said "She's lying  on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to  glance over at the wife on the sofa and that's when the fight started.
                   -The current plight of the Costa  Concordia reminds me of a  comment made by Churchill. After his  retirement he was cruising the  Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner  and some Italian journalists asked why  an ex British Prime Minister  should choose an Italian ship. "There are  three things I like about  being on an Italian cruise ship" said Churchill.  "First their cuisine  is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And  then, in time of  emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and  children  first".
                   -The Italian army has been called  in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship but they have  now swapped sides and declared war on the survivors.
                   -Wife: "Can I drive?" Husband:  "No, I'm  fine". Wife: "Oh please let me, I really want to". Husband:   "NO!" Wife: "Tell you what, if you let me drive just for a bit,  when we  get home I'll give you a blowjob". Husband: "Really??" Wife:   "Promise!" Husband: "Oh, go on then".  "...and that, your Honour, is the  final  entry from the black box on the cruise ship Costa Concordia"
                   -What's the difference between and Italian Cruise Liner and a  Goat? The crew will go down on a goat.
                   -When the captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia was asked  if he knew where he was going, he replied "off course".
                   -Costa Concordia - the only cruise liner where the sauna is cold but the pool is at 90 degrees.
                   -The captain of the Costa  Concordia says he is not guilty of manslaughter  and has witnesses to  prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.
                   -The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to  go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.
                   -News reports say the stricken  Costa Concordia first listed  to the left, then to the right. Bloody  Italians... even their ships don't know  which side to be on.
                   -Italian Police are still  interviewing the Chinese Honeymoon couple found on the Costa Concordia  as to the whereabouts of the rescue dog that first found them.
                   -Italian divers searching the  stricken cruise ship have found  two Scotsmen at the bar. They've told  the divers to piss off, as all drinks are  included in the fare.                  
                   -Costa Concordia - where you are guaranteed to get your drink  on the rocks.
                   -Now I know it's nearly the 100th  anniversary of Titanic and  all that, but aren't the Italians going a  bit far with their tribute?
                   -Attention passengers, this is  your captain. We of Carnival  Cruise Lines Costa Concordia welcome you  to Italy. If you look out the port  side now you'll see the beautiful  Tuscan sky, and to our starboard, you'll see  the old Italian navy.
                   -So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock... more than can be said for his ship.                  
                   -Man phones the model shop and  asks have you got a model of  the Costa Concordia. "Yes sir, we have one  left". That's very good.  can you put it on one side for me please?"

[Baldesto]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of  an  'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL  of frogs. The  sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Come with  'complete' instructions.
                   The girl excitedly looks around  to see if anybody's watching  her. She whispers softly to the man behind  the counter "I'll TAKE one!"  As the man packages the frog, he quietly  says to her "Just follow the  instructions!" The blonde nods, grabs the  box, and is quickly on her way  home.
                   As soon as she closes the door to  her apartment, she opens  the instructions and reads them very  carefully and does EXACTLY what is  specified:
                   1. Take a shower.
                    2. Splash on some nice perfume.
                    3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
                    4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside  you, and  allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
                   She then quickly gets into bed  with the frog and to her  surprise. NOTHING happens! The blonde is very  disappointed and quite upset at  this point. She re-reads the  instructions and notices at the bottom of the  paper it says 'If you  have any problems or questions... please call the pet  store. So, she  does. The man says "I'll be right over".
                   Within minutes, the man is  ringing her doorbell. The blonde  welcomes him in and says "See, I've  done everything according to the  instructions. The damn frog just SITS  there!" The man, looking very concerned,  picks up the frog, stares  directly into its eyes and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO  ME!! I'm only going  to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME...'

[Baldesto]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on  their usual  park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished  his morning jog and  wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was  amazed at his friend's stamina  and asked him what he did to have so  much energy.
                   The 87-year-old said "Well, I eat  rye bread every day.  It keeps your energy level high and you'll also  have great stamina with the  ladies".
                   So, on the way home, 80-year-old  stops at the bakery. As he  was looking around, the lady behind the  counter asked if he needed any help.
                   He said "Do you have any rye  bread?" She said  "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like  some?" He said  "I want 5 loaves". She said "My goodness, five loaves...  by the  time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard". He replied "I  can't  believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me".

[Baldesto]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been  employed there  for a number of years when he came home one day to  confess to his wife that he  had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge  to stick his penis into the pickle  slicer.
                   His wife suggested that he should  see a sex therapist to  talk about it, but Bill said he would be too  embarrassed. He vowed to overcome  the compulsion on his own.
                   One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could  see at once that something was seriously wrong.
                   "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.  "Do you  remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put  my penis into  the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't...!?" she  exclaimed.  "Yes, I did". He replied.
                   "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I  got  fired". "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle  slicer?"  "Oh... she got fired too".

[Baldesto]

A woman and her ten year-old son were riding in a  taxi in  Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing  under the  awnings. "Mum" said the boy "what are all those women   doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she   replied.
                   The taxi driver turns around and  says "Geez lady, why  don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers,  boy! They have sex with men for  money". The little boy's eyes get wide  and he says "Is that true  mum?"
                   His mother, glaring hard at the  driver, answers in the  affirmative. After a few minutes the kid asks  "Mum what happens to the  babies those women have?" "Most of them become  taxi drivers" she  says.

[Baldesto]

DUMB CRIMINALS
 -A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated  speed  trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his  car. He later  received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his  car. Instead of  payment, he sent the police department a photograph of  $40. Several days later,  he received a letter from the police that  contained another picture of  handcuffs.
 -A defendant facing drug possession charges on  trial in  Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a  warrant. The prosecutor  said the officer didn't need a warrant because a  'bulge' in Christopher's  jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said  Christopher, who happened to be  wearing the same jacket that day in  court. He handed it over so the judge could  see it. The judge  discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so  hard he  took a five minute recess to compose himself.
 -A woman was reporting her car as stolen and  mentioned that  there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the  report called the phone  and told the guy that answered that he had read  the ad in the newspaper and  wanted to buy the car. They arranged to  meet, and the thief was arrested.
 -Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the  armed  robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired  his lawyer. Assistant  district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47,  was doing a fair job of  defending himself until the store manager  testified that Newton was the robber.  Newton jumped up, accused the  woman of lying and then said "I should have  blown your fucking head  off!" The defendant paused then quickly added  "if I'd been the one that  was there". The jury took 20 minutes to  convict Newton and recommended  a 30 year sentence.
 -Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol  officers  who were showing their squad car computer equipment to  children in a Detroit  neighbourhood. When he asked how the system  worked, the officer asked him for  identification. Gaitlan gave them his  driver's license, they entered it into  the computer, and moments later  arrested Gaitlan because information on the  screen showed Gaitlan was  wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis,  Missouri.
 -Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little  corner store  with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash  drawer. After the  cashier put the cash in a bag the robber saw a bottle  of scotch that he wanted  behind the counter on the shelf. He told the  cashier to put it in the bag as  well, but he refused saying "Because I  don't believe you are over 21".  The robber said he was, but the clerk  still refused to give it to him because  he didn't believe him. At this  point the robber took his driver's license out  of his wallet and gave  it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed  that the man was  in fact over 21 and put the scotch in the bag. The robber then  ran from  the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and   gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.  They  arrested him two hours later.
 -The District Attorney requested all the robbery  victims to  come to the police station to study a line-up of five  people. He placed his  suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked  each to step forward and say  "Give me all your money... and I need some  change in quarters, nickels and  dimes". The first four did it right.  However, when it was the last man's  turn to recite, he broke the case  by blurting out "That isn't what I said".
 -In Nashville, they tell of Fred 'Junior' Williams,  the  burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing,  only to be  awakened by police.
 -In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right  guy when  the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400  bail entirely in  quarters.
 -In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to  avoid being  identified in a 7-11 robbery, using a ski mask and rental  car for the occasion.  But he also wore his work uniform which said  "Cedar Woods Apartments"  and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the  front.
 -Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick,  Georgia,  detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and  drove him back  to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the  victim for an ID. The  suspect dutifully eyed the victim and blurted  "Yes officer, that's the  woman I robbed".
 -Police in Oakland, California spent two hours  attempting to  subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his  home. After firing ten  tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the  man was standing beside them,  shouting out to give himself up.
 -An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,  kidnapped a  motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated  teller machines. The  kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from  his own bank account.
 -A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and  asked for  all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was  too small so he tied  up the store clerk and worked the counter himself  for three hours until police  showed up and nabbed him.
 -A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty  surprise when a  dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his  Fruit-of-the-Looms. The  robber apparently stuffed the loot down the  front of his pants as he was  running out the door. "He was seen hopping  and jumping around with an  explosion taking place inside his pants"  said police. Police have the  man's charred trousers in custody.
 -In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested  for trying  to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King  used a thumb and a  finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately he  failed to keep his hand in his  pocket

[Baldesto]

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class.

He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing  his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being  late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the  student's immediate family.

A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and  spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."