joke thread

[Baldesto]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet  for his birthday.  After looking around, she found that all the pets  were very expensive. She told  the clerk she wanted to buy a pet but she  didn't want to spend a Fortune.
                   "Well" said the clerk "I have a  very large  bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!"  "Blow  jobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold  30 of  them this month" he said. The woman thought it would be a great  gag gift  and what if it's true... no more blow jobs for her! She bought  the frog.
                   When she explained frog's ability  to her husband he was  extremely sceptical and laughed it off. The  woman went to bed happy, thinking  she may never need to perform this  less than riveting act again.
                                       In the middle  of the night, she was awakened by the noise of  pots and pans flying  everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.  She ran  downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog   reading cook books.
                   "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.  The husband replied "If I can teach this frog to cook... you're out of here!"

[Baldesto]

A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day-5kg  weight  loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and  standing before him  a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in  nothing but a pair of Nike  running shoes and a sign around her neck.
                   The sign reads: If you can catch me, you can have me.
                   Without a second thought, he  takes off after her. A few  miles later huffing and puffing, he finally  gives up. The same girl shows up  the next four days and the same thing  happens. On the fifth day, he weighs  himself and is delighted to find  he has lost 5kgs as promised.
                   He calls the company and orders  their 5-day-10kg program. The  next day there's a knock at the door and  standing before him is the most  stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has  ever seen in his life. She is wearing  nothing but Reebok running shoes  and a sign around her neck that reads: If you  catch me, you can have  me.
                   Well, he's out the door after her  like a shot. This girl is  in excellent shape and despite his best  efforts, but no such luck. So for the  next four days, the same routine  happens with him gradually getting in better  and better shape.
                   Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself,  he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.
                   He decides to go for broke and  calls the company to order  their 7-day-25kg program. "Are you sure?"  asks the representative on  the phone. "This is our most rigorous  program". "Absolutely"  he replies "I haven't felt this good in years!"
                   The next day there's a knock at  the door and when he opens  it he finds a huge muscular guy standing  there wearing nothing but pink running  shoes and a sign around his neck  that reads: If I catch you, you're mine. He  lost 31kgs that week.

[Baldesto]

PRODUCT WARNING LABELS FOR STUPID PEOPLE
                   On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do  not turn upside down".
                    On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".
                    On a bottle of children cough medicine: "Do not  drive a  car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
                    On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be  hot after heating".
                    On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping.
                    On a bag of Doritos: You could be a winner! No purchase  necessary. Details inside.
                    On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular  soap".
                    On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:  Defrost".
                    On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
                    On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the  other use".
                    On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions:  Open packet, eat nuts".
                    On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment  does not enable you to fly".
                    On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain  with your hands or genitals".
                    In an information booklet: "Do not use if you cannot  see clearly to read the information in the information booklet".
                    On a bottle of shampoo for dogs: "Caution: The contents  of this bottle should not be fed to fish".
                    On a curling iron: "For external use only!"
                    On a curling iron: "Warning: This product can burn eyes".
                    On a hair dryer: "Do not use in shower".
                    On a hand-held massaging device: "Do not use while  sleeping or unconscious".
                    On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket: "Do not  place this product into any electronic equipment".
                    On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor,  Michigan: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking".
                    On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists: "Shin  pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover".
                    On an electric rotary tool: "This product not intended  for use as a dental drill".
                    On a container of deodorant: "Caution: Do not spray in  eyes".
                    On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the  dashboard: "Do not drive with sunshield in place".
                    On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn: "Caution:  This is not a safety protective device".
                    On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter: "Do  not use near fire, flame, or sparks".
                    On a battery: See a scanned image: "Battery may explore  or leak".
                    On a toner cartridge for a laser printer: "Do not eat  toner".
                    On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow: "Not intended for  highway use".
                    On a Holmes bathroom heater: "This product is not to be  used in bathrooms".
                    On a can of self-defence pepper spray: "May irritate  eyes".
                    On a novelty rock garden set called 'Popcorn Rock': "Eating  rocks may lead to broken teeth".
                    On a Domino's Pizza box: "Caution! Contents hot!"
                    On a coffee cup: "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!"
                    On a product called 'Rubber Band Shooter': "Caution:  Shoots rubber bands".
                    On a Frisbee: "Warning: May contain small parts".
                    On a toilet bowl cleaning brush: "Do not use orally".
                    On a butcher knife: "Please keep out of children".
                    On a birthday card for a 1 year old: "Not suitable for  children aged 36 months or less".
                    On a battery: "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or  use".
                    In the manual for a heated seat cushion: "Warning: Do  not use on eyes".
                    On a laser pointer: "Do not look into laser with  remaining eye".
                    In the manual for a microwave oven: "Do not use for  drying pets".
                    On an electric cattle prod: "For use on animals only".
                    On a can of air freshener: "For use by trained  personnel only".
                    On a can of air freshener: "Keep out of reach of  children and teenagers".
                    On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror: "Remember,  objects in the mirror are actually behind you".
                    In the manual for a jet ski: "Warning: Riders of   personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of  water  into body cavities either by falling into the water or while  mounting the craft".
                    A label inside a protective  bag (for fragile objects), which  measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm:  "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and  zip it up. Doing so will  cause injury and death".
                    On a package of silly putty: "Do not use as ear plugs".
                    On the packaging of a sharpening stone: "Warning:  knives are sharp!"
                    On a pack of Breath Savers: "Not for weight control".
                    On the label of a bottled drink: "Twist top off with hands.  Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth".
                    On a milk crate: "Theft of this container is a crime".
                    On a tube of deodorant: "Do not use intimately".
                    On a box of rat poison: "Warning: has been found to  cause cancer in laboratory mice".
                    On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid: "Cannot  be made non-poisonous".
                    On a portable stroller: "Caution: Remove infant before  folding for storage".
                    On the dash board of a mail truck: "Look before driving".
                    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes  on body".
                    On a string of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor  use only".
                    On a child sized Superman costume: "Wearing of this  garment does not enable you to fly".
                    On a sign at a railroad station: "Beware! To touch  these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted".
                    On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets: "Warning: do not  use if you have prostate problems".
                    On a lighter: "Do not light in face. Do not expose to  flame".
                    On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy: "Choking  hazard: This toy is a small ball".
                    On a package of dice: "Not for human consumption".
                    On a shipment of hammers: "May be harmful if swallowed".
                    From a manual for an SGI computer: "Do not dangle the  mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers".
                    On a package of peanuts: "Warning: May contain nuts".
                    On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the  Styrofoam packing: "Do not eat".
                    On the sides of a shipping carton, just above  cut-out  openings which one would assume were handholds: "Access hole  only. Not  intended for use in lifting box".
                    Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle: "Warning:  Misuse may cause injury or death".
                    In the instructions for an electric thermometer: "Do  not use orally after using rectally".
                    On the packaging for a chain  saw file, used to sharpen the  cutting teeth on the chain: "Turn off  motor before using this product".
                    On a box of bottle rockets: "Do not put in mouth".
                    On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack: "Remove wrapper  before eating".
                    On a remote control for a TV: "Not dishwasher safe".
                    On the box for a car jack: "For lifting purposes only".
                  On the instructions for a cordless phone: "Do not put  lit candles on phone".

[Baldesto]

Bet your female friend she can't use both her elbows to  touch her belly button. Watch, enjoy and thank me later.
                    --
                    A man goes to a shrink and says "Doctor, my wife is   unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up  men. In  fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
                    What do you think I should do?" "Relax" says  the  doctor "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where   is Larry's bar?"
                    --
                    I hate auto-correct! I just sent a text to my Nan asking for  sex tonight by mistake! I meant tomorrow!!
                    --
                    A robber bursts into the bank and yells "Give me the   money!" A brave customer runs over and pulls his mask off. "You can't   rob the bank now. I've seen your face!" The robber thinks about it for a   moment and then shoots him. "Anyone else see my face?" he asked   menacingly. After a few moments silence, a man shouts up "I think my  wife  had a look!"
                    --
                    I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark!   Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
                    --
                  A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock  on the  front door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He  asks if there  is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married.  He says "Yes, I  am". The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of  the man's wife. The  guy says "Sure" and gets a photo to show them. The  deputy says  "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by  a truck".  The guy replies "I know, but she has a great personality and  is an  excellent cook".

[420fairy]

oh youre back YAY seriously thread died without you baldy

[Spork]

^^^^ AND THIS^

[Baldesto]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had  an  important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to  heaven he  said "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I  will go to  Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me  Irish Whiskey!"  Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up  again and said  "Never mind, I found one".
                    --
                    I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding  my own  business, waiting for it to turn green. A carload of young, loud  Muslims  shouting anti English slogans including 'death to all  infidels' stopped next to  me. The light changed, the Muslims shook  their fists, hit the accelerator and  darted off ahead of me. Suddenly  an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through and  ran directly over their  car, crushing it completely. For several minutes I sat  in my car  thinking to myself "That could have been me!" So today,  bright and  early, I went out and got myself a job as a truck driver.
                    --
                    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you  die you  get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said she would  like to come back as a cow. I said "You obviously  haven't been listening".
                    --
                    This young man had never had sex before he met his   soon-to-be bride. On his honeymoon bed, he kisses his wife on the cheek,  shuts  off the light and rolls over to go to sleep. She was very  surprised and said  "Hey baby, aren't you going to make love to me?" In  which he replied  "Hell no, my mother told me you women have teeth  between your legs!"  His wife thought this was hilarious so she turned  on the light and spread her  legs and said "See honey, no teeth!" He  surveyed the situation up and  down and said "Well no shit, look at the  way your gums look!"
                    --
                    The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1. Open the  bottle to allow it to breathe; 2.  If it does not look like it's  breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
                    --
                  A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is  dead".  The operator says "How do you know?" He says "The  sex is about the  same, but the ironing is piling up!"

[Baldesto]

WHITNEY... THANK YOU FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT YOU ARE NOW PROVIDING US
 -I found an old black bag full of drugs floating in  a bath  yesterday. I called an ambulance, but Whitney was dead by the  time they  arrived.
 -What's white, 6 inches long, and won't be sucked on Valentine's  Day? Whitney's Crack Pipe.
 -When the paramedics arrived they said "Its Houston we  have a problem".
 -Nintendo are releasing a new game based on the lives of Amy  Winehouse and Whitney Houston. It's called WiiHab.
 -What was Whitney Houston doing in the bath tub? Washing her  crack.
 -Large amount of prescription drugs found in Whitney's  room... I bet Jacko's doctor is shitting himself.
 -What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Amy  Winehouse? 204 days.
 -What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Michael  Jackson? One was a crackhead and one fucked little boys.
 -What's black, lies on the floor 'Will Always Love You' and has  white stuff around its nose? A border collie.
 -A back single mother overdoses... what's the big deal?
 -Some sources claim that Whitney Houston is not really dead  and that she's in character for her new film 'The Bodybag'.
  -Charlie Sheen better die soon or heaven will run out of  crack before he gets there.
 -Whitney Houston cause of death: she waited too long to  exhale.
 -What's white and has two holes? The inside of Whitney's  nose.
 -Is it really snowing or did Whitney sneeze??
 -What was Whitney Houston's biggest hit? Her last one.
 -Why did Whitney Houston snort Splenda? She thought that it  was Diet Coke.
 -Isn't it somewhat ironic that a woman who hasn't been clean  for years managed to die in a bath?
 -Tragic news from the music industry "Justin Bieber  still alive!"
 -Whitney Houston died just hours after being asked  to be a  judge on the next season of X-Factor. Personally I think she  made the right  decision.
 -A full day of Whitney Houston on MTV. I don't know who is in  hell, us or her.
 -With Whitney Houston now dead I think we'll see a vast  improvement in her live shows.
 -I bet they didn't need to draw any white lines around  Whitney Houston's body.
 -So Whitney died... now she's reunited with her career.
 -Can everybody waiting to mourn over Whitney's death please  form a line? It's what she would have wanted.
 -On the day that Whitney Houston died Bobby Brown  still  played a gig. I mean it's pretty disgusting... what kind of  people pay to see  Bobby Brown?
 -Whitney Houston found dead. Columbian economy collapses.
 -Two detectives are in Whitney Houston's hotel  room. One says  to the other "I've never heard of her. What was she  famous for?" The  other copper replies "She was a very well-known  musician". The first  detective looks around and says "Ah, I see now.  Let me guess, she played  the spoons?"
 -Dear Lord, thank you for answering my prayers.  However you  seem to have made a terrible error. I said "Britney" not   "Whitney".
 -For the first time since the early 90's, Whitney Houston has  everyone talking about her latest 'Hit'.
 -Confusion in heaven today as Whitney Houston tries to  explain to Michael Jackson why 5 year old crack is bad.
 -Live from the Beverly Hills Hospital's Life Support  Division: Whitney Houston Unplugged.
 -Decorations will be different in the Houston house  this  coming Christmas. There will still be a tree but fewer needles  lying on the  floor.
 -Everyone seems so saddened by the death of Whitney  Houston. What  saddens me more is her greatest hits album will surely  be out soon.
 -Whitney Houston lived her life as I ski - face down in a  pile of white powder.
 -Whitney Houston has now been drug free for at least one day.
 -Whitney Houston ended her life the same way she ended her  songs. On a high note.
 -It is such a shame to hear about Whitney Houston  dying of a  drug overdose. I was truly hoping that she died in a car  crash while giving  Mariah Carey and Celine Dion a lift.
 -Yesterday I heard that the world had just lost a  great asset  to the music industry. One whom many referred to as 'The  Queen of Pop' and I'd  just like to take a moment and say we will miss  her greatly. May Elton John  rest in peace.
  -Hey don't want to spoil it but the extended version of the  bodyguard is on tonight, she dies in the end.

[Baldesto]

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?
                   Fire authorities in California  found a corpse in a  burned-out section of forest while assessing the  damage done by a forest fire.  The deceased male was dressed in a full  wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on  his back, flippers, and face  mask.
                   A post-mortem test revealed that  the man died not from burns,  but from massive internal injuries. Dental  records provided a positive  identification. Investigators then set  about to determine how a fully clothed  diver ended up in the middle of a  forest fire.
                   It was revealed that on the day  of the fire, the man went  diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the  forest. The fire fighters, seeking  to control the fire as quickly as  possible, had called in a fleet of  helicopters with very large dip  buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and  emptied at the site of the  forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver  was making like  Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast  stroke in a  fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
                   Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. But keep  reading....
                   STILL THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?
                   A man was working on his  motorcycle on the patio, his wife  nearby in the kitchen. While racing  the engine, the motorcycle accidentally  slipped into gear. The man,  still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged  along as it burst  through the glass patio doors.
                   His wife, hearing the crash, ran  in the room to find her  husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and  the shattered patio door. She  called for an ambulance and, because the  house sat on a fairly large hill, went  down the several flights of  stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to  her husband.
                   While the attendants were loading  her husband, the wife  managed to right the motorcycle and push it  outside. She also quickly blotted  up the spilled gasoline with some  paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
                   After being treated and released,  the man returned home,  looked at the shattered patio door and the  damage done to his motorcycle. He  went into the bathroom and consoled  himself with a cigarette while attending to  his business. About to  stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
                   The wife, who was in the kitchen,  heard a loud explosion and  her husband screaming. Finding him lying on  the bathroom floor with his  trousers blown away and burns on his  buttocks, legs and groin, she once again  phoned for an ambulance. The  same paramedic crew was dispatched.
                   As the paramedics carried the man  down the stairs to the  ambulance they asked the wife how he had come  to burn himself. She told them.  They started laughing so hard, one  slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband  out. He fell down the  remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
                   STILL HAVING A BAD DAY? JUST REMEMBER, IT COULD BE WORSE...
                   The average cost of  rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon  Valdez oil spill in Alaska was  $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most  expensively saved  animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers  and applause  from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate  them  both.
                   STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?
                   A woman came home to find her  husband in the kitchen shaking  frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,  with some kind of wire running from  his waist towards the electric  kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the  deadly current, she whacked  him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in  two places. Up to  that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
                   HOW ABOUT NOW? STILL THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?
                   Two animal rights protesters were  protesting at the cruelty  of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn,  Germany. Suddenly, all two  thousand pigs broke loose and escaped  through a broken fence, stampeding madly.  The two hapless protesters  were trampled to death.
                   WHAT? STILL HAVING A BAD DAY??
                   Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet  didn't pay enough postage on a  letter bomb. It came back with 'return  to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it  was the bomb, he opened it and  was blown to bits.

[Baldesto]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,  old,  pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys  filled up a  bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight,  and began dividing  them. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for  me" said one  boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
                   Along came another boy riding  along the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he thought he heard voices  from inside the cemetery. He slowed down  to investigate. Sure enough  he heard the "One for you, one for me, one for  you, one for me..." and  knew just what it was.
                   He jumped back on his bike and  rode off. Just around the  bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling  along. "Come here quick"  said the boy "you won't believe what I heard!  Satan and The Lord are down  at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The  man said "Beat it kid,  can't you see it's hard for me to walk".
                   When the boy insisted though, the  man hobbled slowly to the  cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard  "One for you, one for me. One  for you, one for me". The old man  whispered "Boy, you've been telling  me the truth". Let's see if we can  see the Lord...?"
                   Shaking with fear, they peered  through the fence, yet were  still unable to see anything. The old man  and the boy gripped the wrought iron  bars of the fence tighter and  tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the  Lord. At last they heard  "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Now  let's go get those  nuts by the fence and we'll be done".

[Baldesto]

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became  very depressed because he had loved to play Golf.
                   One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got  on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
                   He was standing on the ledge  looking down and saw this man skipping  along, whooping and kicking up  his heels. He looked closer and saw that this  man didn't have any arms  at all.
                   He started thinking, what am I  doing up here feeling sorry  for myself. I still have one good arm to do  things with. There goes a man with no  arms skipping down the sidewalk  so happy, and going on with his life.
                   He hurried down and caught up  with the man with no arms. He  told him how glad he was to see him  because he had lost one of his arms and  felt useless and was going to  kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his  life and said he knew  he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on  with no arms.
                   The man with no arms began  dancing and whooping and kicking  up his heels again. He asked "Why are  you so happy anyway?" He said  "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch".

[Baldesto]

I get irritated when people come down on our police  officers  saying that they don't care about or respect others. Well,  here is a story that  clearly shows not all cops are in that category.  This story involves the police  who reported finding a man's body last  Saturday in the early evening in the avon near christchurch

 The dead man's name would not be released until his  family  had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to  excessive alcohol  consumption while visiting 'someone' in the area.
 He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch  spiked  heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick,  dazzle dust on his  eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes, a black caps T-shirt and had a  stick of celery protruding from his rectum.

 The police removed the T-shirt to spare his family any  unnecessary embarrassment.
 See, our police do care!

[Baldesto]

The Indian Olympics were taking place in Duncan and  the next  competition was the Hammer Toss. The first Indian up was  representing New  Brunswick. He grabs the hammer and tosses it 250  yards.  "Holy shit you have broken the world record. How'd you  do it?"  he is asked. "My grandfather was a fisher, my father is a  fisher and I  am a fisher, have strong arms, throw hammer far".
                   The second Indian is representing  BC, grabs the hammer and  tosses it 300 yards. "You just broke the last  guys record. How'd you do  it?" he is asked. "My grandfather was a  logger, my father is a logger  and I am a logger, strong arms, throw  hammer far".
                   The third Indian is representing  Manitoba and he grabs the  hammer and throws it 375 yards.  "Holy shit,  you just blew everyone away. How'd you do  it?" "My grandfather was on  welfare, my father is on welfare and I am  on welfare. I was taught that  if I ever see a tool, pick it up and throw it as  far away as  possible".

[Baldesto]

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat  watching  the front door of the brothel over the road. The local  Methodist pastor  appears, and quickly goes inside. "Would you look at  that!" says the  first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of  hypocrites they  are?"
                   No sooner are the words out of  his mouth than a Rabbi  appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.   "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious  preaching and stupid  hats!"
                   They continue drinking their beer  roundly condemning the vicar  and the rabbi When they see their own  Catholic priest knock on the door.  "Ah, now dat's sad" says the third  Irishman. "One of the girls  must have died.

[Baldesto]

My girlfriend told me to see things from a girl's point of  view... so I looked out the kitchen window.
                    --
                   
                    --
                    oopsie cant have racism here...........
                    --
                    During a flood in a small town, a young girl was  perched on  top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching  articles float by in the  water, they noticed an old hat go past.  Suddenly, the hat turned and came back,  then turned around and went  downstream. After it had gone some distance, again  it turned and came  back. They watched as it did this a number of times".  Do you see that  hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes  downstream, then turns  around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and  then it comes  back again". "Oh it isn't that amazing, it's only my  dad," replied the  boy. "This morning my Mum said that come hell or  high water, he had to  mow the lawn today".
                    --
                  After a severe drop in share prices, an investor calls  his  broker. "Is all my money really gone?" he asks nervously.  "No"  says the broker. "It's not gone. It just belongs to someone  else now".

[Baldesto]

An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend  to stay  with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the  lawyer and his  Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for  their morning breakfast. As  they were picking blueberries, along came  two big Bears - a male and a female.
 The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.  His friend  wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed  him whole.
 The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he  could to get  a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the  berry patch with the  lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still  there.
 "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to   the male. The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his  gun, and  SHOT THE FEMALE. "What did you do that for!" shouted the  lawyer  "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," answered the   policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was  in  the male?"

[Baldesto]

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire  him  until he passes a little maths test.  Here is your first question,  the foreman said. "Without using  numbers, represent the number 9".  "Without numbers?" The  Irishman says? "Dat is easy". And proceeds to  draw three trees.  "What's this?" the boss asks. "Have you ain't got no  brain? Tree  and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
                   "Fair enough" says the boss.  "Here's your  second question. Use the same rules, but this time the  number is 99". The  Irishman stares into space for a while then picks up  the picture that he has  just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree...  "Ere you go".
                   The boss scratches his head and  says"How on earth do  you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees  is dirty now. So,  it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat  makes 99".
                   The boss is getting worried that  he's going to actually have  to hire this Irishman so he says "All  right, last question. Same rules  again, but represent the number 100".
                   The Irishman stares into space  some more then picks up the  picture again and makes a little mark at  the base of each tree and says  "Ere you go. One hundred".
                   The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you  think that represents a hundred!"   The  Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each  tree  and whispers "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now   you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and  a  turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

[private_hell]

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire  him  until he passes a little maths test.  Here is your first question,  the foreman said. "Without using  numbers, represent the number 9".  "Without numbers?" The  Irishman says? "Dat is easy". And proceeds to  draw three trees.  "What's this?" the boss asks. "Have you ain't got no  brain? Tree  and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
                   "Fair enough" says the boss.  "Here's your  second question. Use the same rules, but this time the  number is 99". The  Irishman stares into space for a while then picks up  the picture that he has  just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree...  "Ere you go".
                   The boss scratches his head and  says"How on earth do  you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees  is dirty now. So,  it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat  makes 99".
                   The boss is getting worried that  he's going to actually have  to hire this Irishman so he says "All  right, last question. Same rules  again, but represent the number 100".
                   The Irishman stares into space  some more then picks up the  picture again and makes a little mark at  the base of each tree and says  "Ere you go. One hundred".
                   The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you  think that represents a hundred!"   The  Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each  tree  and whispers "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now   you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and  a  turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

i have heard this joke with the following line added:

this irishman is now the head of Qantas

[Baldesto]

My mate just called me from Thailand and told me that he'd had his first  ladyboy experience. I said "Sorry?" He said "I was having a beer in a  bar and we got chatting. She looked like a lady, she walked like a lady  and she spoke like a lady". "So how did you know she wasn't a lady?" I  asked. "When we drove back to the hotel and 'she' reversed the car into  the parking space on the first attempt, I knew I'd fucked up".
                    --
                    I can't stand those winging people who bleat on  about how  bad off they are. My mate Steve is brill, he had a bad car  accident and lost  his voice and both his legs, but do you think he  makes a song and dance about  it...?
                    --
                    A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening.  She's not  ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her  parents. He has a bad  case of gas and really needs to relieve some  pressure. Luckily, the family dog  jumps up on the couch next to him. He  decides that he can let a little fart out  and if anyone notices they  will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the  woman yells "Spot,  get down from there". The guy thinks 'Great, they  think the dog did  it'. He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for  the dog to  get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman   yells "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!"
                    --
                    Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames  barrier  in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
                    --
                    Becky woke up and told Sam, her husband, about her  last  night's dream. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold  for  $1,000 and the tiny ones as low as $10". Sam asked "What about one  my  size?" To which Becky replied: "Didn't get a bid!" Sam wanted   revenge, so the next morning he told Becky about his dream. "I was at an   auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the  loose ones  for $10". Becky asked "What about ones like mine?" To which  Sam  responded "That's where they held the auction".
                    --
                  I went up to a girl in the night club last night  "Excuse  me love, are you a brick layer?" I asked with a cheeky grin.  "Why are  you hoping to get laid?" she winked back. "No, it's just with  that  much make up on, you must be experienced with a trowel".

[Baldesto]

RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE
                   -Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry  in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
                    -Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.
                    - Help someone when they are in trouble and they will  remember you when they're in trouble again.
                    -Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again,  neither does milk.
                    -If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
                    -Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
                    -Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than  going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
                    -Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
                    -If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've  never tried before.
                    -My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
                    -Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is  serious.
                    -It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
                    -For every action, there is an equal and opposite government  program.
                    -If you look like your passport picture, you probably need  the trip.
                    -Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
                    -A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel  so good.
                    -No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
                    -A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
                    -Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of  the waist change places.
                    -Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
                    -Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away  three weeks before you need it.
                    -There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
                    -Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to  recognize a mistake when you make it again.
                    -By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
                    -Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to  the real world.
                    -Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall  never cease to be amused.
                    -When you eat a candy bar or have a wonderful  dessert, have  a diet drink. The calories are cancelled out by the diet  drink.
                    -I love deadlines...especially the 'whooshing' sound they  make as they fly by.
                    -When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem  begins to look like a nail.
                    -What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
                    -A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
                    -The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
                    -How can there be self-help 'groups'?
                    -Is there another word for 'synonym'?
                    -The speed of time is one-second per second.
                    -Is it possible to be totally partial?
                    -What is another word for 'thesaurus'?
                    -If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain  whales?
                    -It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
                    -Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like  chicken?
                    -Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're  the statue.
                    -Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you  have to eat them.
                    -Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die  in the middle of it.
                    -Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax  collectors, and miss.
                    -Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
                    -Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by  their maker.
                    -Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will  happen to you for the rest of the day.
                    -If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water  gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
                    -If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
                    -If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be  vague.
                    -If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
                    -If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again,  it was probably worth it.
                    -If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a  couple of car payments.
                    -If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught.  Then lie.
                    -It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve  as a warning to others.
                    -Never buy a car you can't push.
                    -Never pet a burning dog.
                    -Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because  then you don't have a leg to stand on.
                    -Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and  annoys the pig.
                    -Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and  dance.
                    -The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
                    -There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved  through a suitable application of high explosives.
                    -There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders  ending with 'or die'.
                    -When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong  lane.
                    -Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
                                        -If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously  overlooked something.

[Baldesto]

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where  to meet  for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen  next to the Ocean  View restaurant because they had only $6 between them  and Jimmy Johnson, the  cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that  street.
                   Ten years later, the group of  25-year-old girlfriends  discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally,  they agreed to meet at the Ocean  View restaurant because the beer was  cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks,  the band was good, there was  no cover charge and there were lots of cute guys.
                   Ten years later, the group of  35-year-old girlfriends  discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally,  they agreed to meet at the Ocean  View restaurant because the cosmos  were good, it was right near the gym and, if  they went late enough,  there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
                   Ten years later, the group of  45-year-old girlfriends  discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally,  they agreed to meet at the Ocean  View restaurant because the martinis  were big and the waiters had tight pants  and nice buns.
                   Ten years later, the group of  55-year-old girlfriends  discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally,  they agreed to meet at the Ocean  View restaurant because the prices  were reasonable, the wine list was good, the  restaurant had windows  that opened (in case of a hot flashes) and fish is good  for  cholesterol.
                   Ten years later, the group of  65-year-old girlfriends  discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally,  they agreed to meet at the Ocean  View restaurant because the lighting  was good and the restaurant had an early  bird special.
                   Ten years later, the group of  75-year-old girlfriends  discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally,  they agreed to meet at the Ocean  View restaurant because the food was  not too spicy and the restaurant was  handicapped-accessible.
                   Ten years later, the group of  85-year-old girlfriends  discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally,  they agreed to meet at the Ocean  View restaurant because they were  pretty sure they had never been there before.

[Baldesto]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day  to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss the world.
                   One day Bill didn't show up. Sam  didn't think much about it  and figured maybe he had a cold or something  but after Bill hadn't shown up for  a week or so, Sam really got  worried.
                   However, since the only time they  ever got together was in  the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived,  so he was unable to find out what  had happened to him.
                   A month had passed, and Sam  figured he had seen the last of  Bill, but one day, Sam approached the  park and -lo and behold- there sat Bill!  Sam was very excited and happy  to see him and told him so. Then he said "For  crying out loud Bill,  what in the world happened to you?"
                   Bill replied "I've been in jail".  "Jail!?"  cried Sam "What in the world for?" "Well" Bill said "you   know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I   sometimes go?" "Yeah" said Sam "I remember her. What about  her?" "Well,  one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89  years old, I was  so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty... then the  damn  judge gave me 30 days for perjury".

[Baldesto]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested  for  smoking dope. The judge says "You seem like nice young men, and  I'd like  to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you  to go out this  weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug  use. I'll see you back  in court Monday".
                   On Monday, the judge asks the  first guy "How did you do  over the weekend?" "Well your honour, I  persuaded 17 people to give  up drugs forever". "Seventeen people?  That's wonderful. How did you  do it?" "I used a diagram, your honour. I  drew two circles like this:  'O o'. Then I told them that the big  circle is your brain before drugs and the  small circle is your brain  after drugs". "That's admirable" says  the judge.
                   Then he turns to the second guy.  "And how did you  do?" "Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to  give up drugs  forever". "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you   manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram" the guy  says. "I  drew two circles like this: 'o O'. Then I pointed to the little  circle  and said "This is your asshole before prison......."

[Baldesto]

YOU COULD HAVE HEARD A PIN DROP...
                   At a time when our politicians  tend to apologise for our  country's prior actions, here's a refresher  on how some of our former patriots  handled negative comments about our  country.
                   -JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean  Rusk, was in France in the  early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out  of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted  all US military out of France as soon  as possible. Rusk responded "Does  that include those who are buried  here?" DeGaulle did not respond.
                   -When in England, at a fairly  large conference, Colin Powell  was asked by the Archbishop of  Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an  example of 'empire  building' by George Bush. He answered by saying "Over  the years, the  United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into  great  peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land  we  have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not  return".
                   -There was a conference in France  where a number of  international engineers were taking part, including  French and American. During  a break, one of the French engineers came  back into the room saying, "Have  you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush  has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier  to Indonesia to help the  tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb  them?" A Boeing  engineer stood up and replied quietly "Our carriers  have three  hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people, they are   nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore  facilities,  they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000  people three meals a  day, they can produce several thousand gallons of  fresh water from sea water  each day, and they carry half a dozen  helicopters for use in transporting  victims and injured to and from  their flight deck. We have eleven such ships...  how many does France  have?"
                   -A US Navy Admiral was attending a  naval conference that  included Admirals from the US, English,  Canadian, Australian and French navies  At a cocktail reception, he  found himself standing with a large group of  officers that included  personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was  chatting away in  English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral  suddenly  complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans   learn only English. He then asked "Why is it that we always have to  speak  English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"  Without  hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because  the Brits,  Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't  have to speak  German".
                   -Robert Whiting, an elderly  gentleman of 83, arrived in  Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a  few minutes to locate his passport  in his carry on. "You have been to  France before, monsieur?" the customs  officer asked sarcastically. Mr  Whiting admitted that he had been to France  previously. "Then you  should know enough to have your passport ready".  The American said "The  last time I was here, I didn't have to show it".  "Impossible.  Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in  France!"  The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he   quietly explained ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in  1944 to  help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen  to show my  passport to".

[Baldesto]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own  and went  to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an  attractive young  lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes,  wearing a robe. The boy  smiled at the young woman and she started a  conversation with him.
                   As they talked, her robe slipped  open, and it was obvious  that she had nothing else on. The poor kid  broke into a sweat trying to  maintain eye contact. After a few minutes,  she placed her hand on his arm and  said "Let's go to my apartment, I  hear someone coming".
                   He followed her into her  apartment, she closed the door and  leaned against it, allowing her robe  to fall off completely. Now nude, she  purred at him "What would you  say is my best feature?" Flustered and  embarrassed he finally squeaked  "It's got to be your ears".
                   Astounded, and a little hurt she  asked "My ears? Look  at these breasts... they're full and 100% natural.  I work out every day and my  butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin -  no blemishes anywhere. How can you  think that the best part of my body  is my ears?" Clearing his throat he  stammered... "Outside when you said  you heard someone coming.... that was  me".