joke thread

[Baldesto]

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute  in place  of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy.  When  you say my name class remember it has an 'r' after the first letter".   The entire class says "Hello Mrs. Prussy". A few days later the  regular  teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher   asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and says to the teacher "I   remember it has an 'r' after the first letter". "That's right!"  she  coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs.  Crunt?"
                    --
                    Two geeks were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess   what, mate?" says the first guy "Yesterday I met this gorgeous blonde   girl in a bar". "What did you do?" says the other guy.  "Well, I invited  her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got  into the mood  and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off".  "You're  kidding me!" says the second guy. "I took her miniskirt  off and then I  lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop".  "Really? You  got a new laptop?"
                    --
                    I've never laughed at kids with Downs Syndrome. Well, not  until I saw one fall down an escalator...
                    --
                    Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil  magnate  demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his  young bride.  "What's the problem?" asked his lawyer. "I want to hit  that  adulterin' bitch for Breach Of Contract" snapped the oil man. "I   don't know if that will fly" said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't  a  piece of property... you don't own her!" "Damn right!" snapped  the  tycoon "but I sure as hell expected exclusive drillin' rights!
                    --
                  I came home from work last night and told my wife that  I've  been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own  office and I get  to employ my own private secretary. "Well, you'd  better hire someone who's  a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't  want you choosing someone  who you're going to be tempted to have sex  with". "That's fair  enough" I replied "When can you start?"

[SteddieEddie]

If you are caught masturbating in a plane, is it a hijack?

[Baldesto]

I was in a pub last night and saw two large girls by the  bar. They both  had strange accents so I said "Hello are you two girls from  Scotland?"  One of them screamed "Its WALES you fucking idiot!" So  I immediately  apologised and said "Sorry are you two whales from  Scotland?"

[Baldesto]

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two  guys,  Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a  bit of  partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night  they succeed.
 Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the  thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.
 The guys agreed that when they sit around the  breakfast  table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on  the side of their  coffee mug the number of times that they did it with  each other's wives.
 The next morning they are all at the breakfast  table,  slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly  taps his teaspoon  three times against his coffee mug.
 After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his  teaspoon  and taps it once on the strawberry jam and three times on the  peanut butter.

[Baldesto]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman,  a Latvian,  a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans including a  southerner a New  Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinian, a Dane,  an Australian, a  Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a  Frenchman, a New Zealander, a  Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a  Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a  Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a  Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a  Lebanese, a Cayman  Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a  Czech, an  Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran,  an  Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a   Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a   Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a  Cook Islander,  a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an  Albanian, a Greenlander, a  Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a  Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a  Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an  Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean,  a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a  Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian,  a Costa Rican, a  Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a  Singaporean,  an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 to 53 Africans walk into a fine   restaurant.
                   "I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d' "but  you can't come in here without a Thai".

[Baldesto]

An elderly man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical.  After a while, the doctor comes out and says "I'm sorry Bill, but we  have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6  weeks to live". "But Doctor" Bill replied "I feel great. I haven't felt  better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can  do?" After a moment the doctor said "Well, you might start going down  the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day".  Excitedly Bill asked "And that will cure me?" "No" replied the doctor  "but it will get you used to the dirt".
              --
              A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door   to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of  two. She  reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as  hard as she can.  Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a  drink. As she enters, she  sees her husband there, having a snack and  reading a magazine. "Hi  Darling" he says "Your parents have come to  visit us, so l let them  stay in our bedroom. Is that okay?"
              --
              A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on  the  front door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He  asks if there  is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married.  The man says "Yes,  I am". The deputy then asks if he could see a  picture of the man's wife. The  guy says "Sure" and gets a photo to show  them. The deputy says "I'm  sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's  been hit by a truck". The guy  replies "Oh I know, but she has a great  personality and is an excellent  cook".

[Baldesto]

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK
             A friend of mine and her husband went  to Toys R Us to get a  ball for their grandson. The name of the ball was  "Ugly Balls". They  searched the store but were unable to find them.The  wife saw a salesperson and  went over and asked him "Do you have Ugly  Balls?" She wouldn't have  thought anything about this except... her  husband was rolling on the floor laughing.
             A friend from West Virginia was  shopping at the WalMart in  Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my  friend wrote a check. The clerk asked  for her driver's license. She  presented her West Virginia driver's license and  the clerk grabbed it  way from her and scoffed at her "If you're going to  use a fake ID, you  could at least use a real state!" A manager was required  to verify West  Virginia's statehood.
             While shopping at the grocery store, I  noticed that the tuna  packed in spring water was labelled dolphin safe,  but the tuna packed in oil  was not. I mentioned this fact to the  cashier and mused out loud "I wonder  why?" She replied "Must be because  the oil would suffocate them".
             I called my hair salon to tell them I'd  be late for an  appointment. I couldn't remember the haircutter's  unusual name so I said "I  think her name is Zora". The receptionist  said flatly "We don't have  anybody here by that name". I said "Check  the appointment book and see  who my appointment is with". She checked  and said "Oh, your  appointment is with Zoya". So I'm wondering, how  many of the six people  working there have four letter names beginning  with Z anyway...
             I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart  store, selling sporting  goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are  sometimes required to make storewide  pages, eg. "I have a customer in  hardware who needs assistance at the  paint counter". One night a  tentative female voice came over the intercom  system with the following  message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys  who needs  assistance".
             A long, long, time ago, when I was 19  or 20, I went to a bar  with an older friend. The guy at the door asked  for my ID. I gave him my  driver's license, which of course had my date  of birth printed on it. He looked  at it and said "You have to be 21 to  get in here". I replied "That  ID is a few years old". He looked at it  again for a moment, then said  "Oh okay" and let me in.
             I am a medical student currently doing a  rotation in  toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman  called in very upset  because she caught her little daughter eating  ants. I quickly reassured her  that the ants are not harmful and there  would be no need to bring her daughter  into the hospital. She calmed  down, and at the end of the conversation happened  to mention that she  gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill  the ants.
             The receptionist was instructed to call  a vendor. Using the  vendor's invoice as the source of the phone number  she began calling. Each time  she called, her phone would ring. When  she answered, no one was there. This  continued throughout the morning.  When later asked if she reached the vendor  she explained what was  happening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed  that the phone  number she was calling WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent  an  entire morning calling herself.

[Baldesto]

A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see  the  manager. They are ushered in and the manager, despite his  professionalism, can  hardly keep his eyes off the bulging cleavage and  perfect curves of the woman.
             "Mr Wilson" says the man "I have an   investment proposition that needs $20,000. I presume, as I bank here,  that will  be no problem?" Smugly the bank manager replies "In banking,  one  should never assume, sir. I will need to ask a few questions and  run a few  checks".
             "Here's the deal" says the man, leaning  forward.  "No questions. No checks. $20,000 today and I will let you  have my wife  for one night and one night only to do whatever you want.  And she is very... adventurous".
             Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses  the woman, licks his  lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered.  After a few moments he buzzes in  his secretary and they draw up the  paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to  the executive suite of the  Radisson hotel at 7 o'clock that evening.
             At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously  enters the hotel lobby  and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks  shyly on the door of the suite  and it is answered by the woman in a low  cut short red dress and heels.
             "Mr Wilson" she purrs. "Have you got  the  money?" The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope. She smiles.   "Then come in". He follows the woman into the room and stops in   shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey  underwear  eating a pie. At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative  pose showing  unshaven armpits and bikini line.
             The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch. "What's  this?!" stutters the bank manager.
              "My wife" says the man. "In banking, Mr  Wilson, one should never assume".

[Baldesto]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile  phone  tower: Macka, Mongrel and Bluey. As they start their descent,  Macka slips,  falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
             As the ambulance takes the body away,  Bluey says "Well,  bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Macka's wife".  Mongrel says "Okay  I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do  it".
             Two hours later, he comes back carrying  a case of Beer. Bluey  says "Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?"  "Macka's wife gave it  to me" Mongrel replies. "That's unbelievable...  you told the missus  her husband was dead and she gave you a case of  beer?" "Well, not  exactly" Mongrel says.
             "When she answered the door, I said to  her 'You must be  Macka's widow'". She said "You must be mistaken... I'm  not a  widow". Then I said "I'll betcha a case of beer you are..."

[Baldesto]

While on a road trip, Harry and Martha stopped at a  roadside  restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal they left  the restaurant and  resumed their trip. When leaving, Martha unknowingly  left her glasses on the  table. She didn't miss them until they had  been driving about twenty minutes.  By then, to add to the aggravation,  they had to travel quite a distance before  they could find a place to  turn around in order to return to the restaurant to  retrieve her  glasses.
             All the way back, Harry became the  classic grouchy old man.  He fussed, complained and scolded Martha  relentlessly during the entire return  trip. The more he chided her more  agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up  one minute.
             To Martha's relief, they finally  arrived at the restaurant.  As Martha got out of the car and hobbled  inside to retrieve her glasses the old  geezer shook his fist and  yelled... "While you're in there, you might as  well get my hat and the  credit card!"

[Baldesto]

Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of  bad luck.  He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to  wire him some more.  He was on his way up to his hotel room when he  meets a beautiful hooker in the  elevator. He is smitten with her and  tells her that he wants to make love to  her right now. The hooker says  "Honey, if you got the cash we can make  your wish come true". Tom  realises he doesn't have any money on him yet  and tells the hooker that  he will have the money in about an hour or so. The  hooker says, "No  money, no lovin'"
             Tom pleads with her but the hooker does  not give in. She  tells him that when he gets the money she will be  more than happy to oblige him  but she actually does find Tom attractive  so she reaches over to his pants,  unzips his fly, takes his penis in  her hand and then proceeds to write on it  the following - Gloria  357-6262, when you have $$$.
             Tom returns to his room and a couple of  hours later the  money from his bank finally arrives. He immediately  rushes to the phone to call  his 'dream woman'. He unzips his pants so  he can retrieve the number off his  penis, but alas his erection was  gone and in order to read the number he starts  rubbing his penis  frantically. At that very moment, the maid entered his room  to clean  and shrieked at this sight. Tom says to the maid "Don't worry,  I'm just  trying to make a phone call".

[Baldesto]

A couple goes to the zoo for lunch and stops in  front of the  monkey cage. A large monkey begins looking at them. The  man tosses the monkey a  peach from his lunch bag. Monkey looks at the  peach, breaks it in half, takes  the pit out, shoves it up its arse,  takes it back out, puts the pit back in the  peach, closes the two  halves, and eats the peach.
             The couple is grossed out by this, but  curious as to whether  the monkey would do it again so the man tosses  the monkey his second peach. The  monkey looks at the second peach,  breaks it in half, takes the pit out, shoves  it up its arse, takes it  back out, puts the pit back in the peach, closes the  two halves, and  eats the peach. The couple are really disgusted by this.
             Just then the zoo keeper walks by so  the couple stop him and  ask why the monkey has such a disgusting habit.  The zoo keeper says "Oh  yeah he's been doing that for about two weeks  now. Ever since someone gave him  an Avocado and he had trouble passing  the pit. Now he checks to make sure they  fit before he eats  anything..."

[Baldesto]

My boss just asked "Do you think you can come in on  Saturday this week?  I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here". "Yeah  no problem,  I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on   weekends". "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?" "Monday".
                    --
                    Girl: "So what do you do for a living then?" Bloke:   "I'm a ventriloquist". Girl: "Really? You will have to show me  some  time". Bloke: "I can show you now if you like, let me put my  hand up  your skirt and I'll make your lips move".
                    --
                    Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one of them  notices a  beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other  "Jeez, I'd  really like to dance with that girl". The other man replies  "Well go  ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken". So the man approaches  the lovely  woman and says "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance  with me?"  Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says "I'm sorry.  Right now I'm  concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than  dance". So the man  humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?"  asks the friend.  The drunk responded "She said she's constipated on  macaroni, and would  rather shit in her pants".
                   
                    --
                  I was through to the final question on the radio. The   presenter said, "Take your time, this is for $10,000, choose a  category.  Your choices are.... A) Greek mythology; B) Politics; C)  Foreign languages. I  pondered for a short time before opting for  foreign languages. "Okay John,  you've chosen C) Foreign languages. For  $10,000: the Chinese have many  different words they would use to greet  somebody, can you name one? Remember I  have to take your first answer".  I thought for a moment before confidently  answering "Herro".

[Baldesto]

AWKWARD MEDICAL EXAM STORIES
 -While working as a nurse for a cardiology group, I  was  asked to obtain a history and physical on a patient being admitted  for a  cardiac catheterisation. Everything was going smoothly. It felt  as though there  was good rapport. But the time had come to discuss  family history. She  proceeded to tell me about her husband's medical  conditions, but interrupted  herself to say "Oh! But he's not a blood  relative".
 -A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going  to  have her baby in the cab". I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the  cab,  lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.  Suddenly I noticed  that there were several cabs - and I was in the  wrong one.
 -I'm a Physician Assistant and am primarily  responsible for workups  before people go to the OR. As part of the  workups, I have to check patients'  teeth before they have valve surgery  - since bad teeth and gums can become a  source of bacteraemia. Anyway,  because of the timing of the transfers into our  hospital, it is often  quite late that I have to call the oral surgeon for a  consult. He lives  about 40 minutes away. The other night, I called him at about  6:30pm,  well past office hours, for a patient with particularly disgusting   teeth. They were broken, looked like they hadn't been brushed in several   months, with chunks and assorted colour smudges all over them. The  oral surgeon  obliged and came in that night for the consult... only to  call me a while later  to tell me that the guy had dentures.
 -At the beginning of my shift I placed a  stethoscope on an  elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior  chest wall. "Big  breaths" I instructed. "Yes, they used to be" replied  the patient.
 -As a fourth year medical student on a psychiatry  rotation,  I was required to spend some time in the geriatric psych  unit. One of the first  patients I had to see required a rectal exam. I  entered the room, introduced  myself, and performed a fairly complete  history and physical exam. Then, I  explained to the patient the reasons  for the rectal exam and she agreed. I drew  the curtain and began to do  the exam. While unfastening the tape of the woman's  adult diaper,  someone entered the room and said "Housekeeping! I'm just  gonna get the  trash". I kept on with the exam and readied the KY Jelly,  only to find  that the patient's bottom was covered with stool. Rather than take  the  easy way out and just test a sample of stool, I proceeded to sift  through  stool until I could properly perform the exam. My technique  left a lot to be  desired however, because I soon heard the patient  scream "Hey! You're in  the wrong hole!" Entirely embarrassed, I  finished, washed my hands and  left, only to find the janitor outside of  the room leaning on his cart laughing  so hard he could barely get the  words out "You aint married are ya buddy?"
 -One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I  told a  wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.  Not more than  five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of  the family that he had  died of a "massive internal fart".
 -As a pharmacist, I'm often a patients source of  information  about their medications. When one woman came to the  pharmacy to get a refill on  her suppositories she asked if I had any  suggestions she could bring to her  doctor. She said that the  suppositories were not working. "And not only  don't they work, they  hurt! Sometimes they even make me bleed!" I  looked at her prescription,  pulled some suppositories from the shelf, and  opened the box for her.  She then showed me that the corners of the hard foil  wrapper were  sharp. Of course, I cringed when I realised that she was not  removing  the hard foil covers before inserting them.
 -While acquainting myself with a new elderly  patient, I  asked "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of  complete  confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years - when  my husband  was alive".
 -One day, after a man had his annual physical, the  doctor  came out and said "You had a great check-up. Is there anything  that you'd  like to talk about or ask me?" "Well" he said "I was   thinking about getting a vasectomy". "That's a pretty big decision.   Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah, and they're in  favour  15 to 2".
 -A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a  young  woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting  a variety of  tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was  quickly determined that  the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was  scheduled for immediate surgery.  When she was completely disrobed on  the operating table, the staff noticed that  her pubic hair had been  dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read 'Keep  Off The  Grass'. Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note   on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry... had to mow the lawn.'
 -A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining  room,  waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The  doctor arrived,  examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a  little concerned, asked if  the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.  "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well,  strip down to your waist" the doctor  ordered. She did. He pinched her  nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed  both breasts for a while in a very  professional and detailed  examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the  doctor said "No  wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any  milk". "I know" she  said "I'm his grandma, but I'm glad I  came".
 -I was caring for a woman and asked "So how's your   breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky   Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I  then  asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet  labelled "KY  Jelly".
 -As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I  was quite embarrassed  when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my  embarrassment I had  unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.   The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly  burst out  laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my  work and sheepishly  said "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied,  "No doctor,  but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar  Meyer  Wiener".

[Baldesto]

A man had just boarded and settled into his seat  next to the  window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle  seat and put his  black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
                   The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked  why the dog was allowed on the plane.
                   The second man explained that he was from the Police Drug  Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
                   "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll  show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work".
                   The plane took off and once it  has levelled out, the cop  said "Watch this". He told Sniffer to  "search". Sniffer  jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat  very purposefully next to  a woman for several seconds.
                   Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the  policeman's arm.
                   The Policeman said "Good boy" and  he turned to the  man and said "That woman is in possession of  marijuana, I'm making a note  of her seat number and the authorities  will apprehend her when we land.  "Gee, that's pretty good" replied the  first man.
                   Once again, the Policeman sent  Sniffer to search the aisles.  The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a  man for a few seconds, returned to its  seat, and this time he placed  two paws on the agent's arm.
                   The Policeman said "'Two paws  mean that man is carrying  cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his  seat number for the police".  "I like it!" said his seat mate.
                   The Policeman then told Sniffer  to 'search' again. Sniffer  walked up and down the aisles for a little  while, sat down for a moment, and  then came racing back to the agent,  jumped into the middle seat and proceeded  to shit all over the place.
                   The first man was really  disgusted by this behaviour and  couldn't figure out how or why a  well-trained dog would behave like that. So he  asked the Policeman  "What's going on?" The Policeman nervously  replied "He's just found a  bomb..."

[Baldesto]

Mum is working in the farmhouse kitchen when dad  enters with  his first erection in years. "Mum, get into bed!" he says.  She takes  off her apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils away,  washes her hands,  gets into bed... but too late. Dad has withered away.
                   "Ya know, we can't have this  happen again" says  dad. "Next time I get one of these I'll ring the  fire bell so you can  start getting ready when you hear it. When I get  to the house, we'll be  right".
                   A year goes by. Mum's in the  kitchen. She hears the fire  bell. She goes through all the  preparations. Dad comes pounding into the house,  through the kitchen,  into the bedroom where mum lays naked waiting for him.
                   He looks her over and says "Get up, ya pervert... the  barn's on fire!"

[Baldesto]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El  Indio, Texas  leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for  the only saloon in  town, to clear his parched throat.
               He walked up to the saloon and tied  his old mule to the  hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the  dust from his face and  clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the  saloon with a gun in one hand  and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
               The young gunslinger looked at the  old man and laughed,  saying "Hey old man, can you dance?" The old man  looked up at the  gunslinger and said "No son, I don't dance... never  really wanted to".
               A crowd had gathered as the  gunslinger grinned and said  "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance  now!" and started shooting at  the old man's feet. The old prospector,  not wanting to get a toe blown off,  started hopping around like a flea  on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around  was laughing.
               When his last bullet had been fired,  the young gunslinger,  still laughing, holstered his gun and turned  around to go back into the saloon.  The old man turned to his pack mule,  pulled out a double-barrelled 12 gauge  shotgun and cocked both  hammers.
               The loud clicks carried clearly  through the desert air. The  crowd stopped laughing immediately. The  young gunslinger heard the sounds too,  and he turned around very  slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd watched  as the young  gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those  twin  12 gauge barrels.
               The barrels of the shotgun never  wavered in the old man's  hands, as he quietly said "Son, have you ever  kissed a mule's ass?" The  gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No  sir... but... I've always wanted  to".
               There are a few lessons for all of us here:
               -Don't be arrogant.
                -Don't waste ammunition.
                -Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
                -Always make sure you know who is in control.
                -And finally, don't screw around with old folks. They didn't get old by being stupid.

[Baldesto]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I  could  tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and  was well taken  care of.
                   He calmly came over to me, I gave  him a few pats on his  head. He then followed me into my house, slowly  walked down the hall, curled up  in the corner and fell asleep.An hour  later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
                   The next day he was back, greeted  me in my yard, walked inside  and resumed his spot in the hall and  again slept for about an hour. This  continued off and on for several  weeks.
                   Curious I pinned a note to his  collar: 'I would like to find  out who the owner of this wonderful sweet  dog is and ask if you are aware that  almost every afternoon your dog  comes to my house for a nap'.
                   The next day he arrived for his  nap, with a different note  pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home  with non-stopping chatting wife, 6  children, 2 under the age of 3 -  he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I  come with him tomorrow?'

[Baldesto]

A pregnant women nearing full  term goes to the doctor for a check-up.  After an examination the doctor  asks "Mrs Anderson do you want the good  news or the bad news?"  Clutching her swollen belly she says "The bad  news of course, doctor".  The doctor replies "Your baby is a red  head". The lady smiles and falls  back into her chair with relief. "That's  alright... my husband has red  hair. What's the good news?" "The baby  is dead".
                    --
                    I was sitting with my blonde girlfriend on the couch  when  she said "I think my boobs are too small. I'm going to get a boob  job".  I replied saying, "I think my hands are too small". She asked   "Do you want a hand job?" Yup, she's a keeper.
                    --
                    Half of our population have a sex addiction. The other half  have vagina's.
                    --
                   
                    --

[Baldesto]

I HAVE A PREDICAMENT
                   DEAR ABBY... a  couple of women moved in across the hall from  me. One is a middle-aged  gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.   These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into  or  leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
                   DEAR ABBY... what can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language  and violence on My VCR?
                   DEAR ABBY... I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much,  I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
                   DEAR ABBY... I  am a twenty-three year old liberated woman  who has been on the pill  for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my  boyfriend should  share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to  discuss money  with him.
                   DEAR ABBY... I've  suspected that my husband has been fooling  around, and when confronted  with the evidence, he denied everything and said it  would never happen  again.
                   DEAR ABBY... our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why  would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
                   DEAR ABBY... I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen  it. Now how do I get out?
                   DEAR ABBY... my forty year old son has been paying a  psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
                   DEAR ABBY... I was married to Bill for three months and I  didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
                   DEAR ABBY... my mother is mean and short tempered I think  she is going through mental pause.
                   DEAR ABBY... you  told some woman whose husband had lost all  interest in sex to send him  to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in  sex and he is a  doctor. Now what do I do?
                   DEAR ABBY... I've  been married for six years and have five  kids. No twins. My husband  still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in  the morning too. I  told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is  his hobby.
                   DEAR ABBY... will you please rush me the name of a reliable  illegitimate doctor?
                   DEAR ABBY... do  you think it would be all right if I gave my  doctor a little gift? I  tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he  finally did it.
                   DEAR ABBY... my mother is mean and short-tempered. I think  she is going through her mental pause.
                   DEAR ABBY... I met this nice guy who was in the service.  He's the chief petting officer.
                   DEAR ABBY... this is the second marriage for both of us. And  when my husband said "I will" he knew damn well he couldn't.

[Baldesto]

At some point in a bloke's life... it comes down to this.
                   Four guys have been going to the  same fishing trip for many  years. Two days before the group is to  leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and  tells him he isn't going.  Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what  can they do.
                   Two days later the three get to  the camping site only to  find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,  firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
                   "Shit Ron, how long you been  here, and how did you talk  your missus into letting you go?" "Well,  I've been here since  yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my  chair and my wife came up  behind me and put her hands over my eyes and  said 'Guess who?'" I pulled  her hands off and she was wearing a brand  new nightie. She took my hand and  pulled me to our bedroom. The room  had candles and rose petals all over.
                   On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie  and cuff her to the bed, and I did.                     And then she said 'Do whatever you want'... so, here I  am".

[Baldesto]

Bob goes to the doctor complaining he can't sleep at night.  The doctor  prescribes suppositories. "How quickly do they take  effect?" says Bob.  "Very quickly!" says the doctor. "How  quickly?" "When you wake up in  the morning, you'll still have your  finger up your arse".
              --
              I was wondering the other day what our parents must have   done for entertainment before television and the internet were popular  and  affordable. I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any  ideas, but none  of them could suggest an answer either.
              --
              What does the new Apple iPad and Ben Cousins have in  common... they can both stick their 4G up their arse...
              --
              My wife went into labour yesterday. As I sat there I began   to see its head peering out. It was at this point I realised that this  was it.  The rest of it followed the head out with a few almighty  squeezes. It was a  beautiful moment as I stood up and noticed the sheer  size of it. I took a deep  sigh of relief that it was finally over. It  was then that I decided to wipe my  arse and head back in to see how my  wife was doing.
              --
              Just been on bigbustycoons.com. Damn, those guys have really  good buses.
              --
              Man driving down a road. Woman driving up same the road.   They pass each other. Man shouts out the window "FUCKING BIG FAT  COW".  Woman shouts out window "FUCKING WANKER!" Woman turns  round corner  crashes into a huge cow and dies. Moral of the story? If only  women  would fucking listen.
              --
              A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today. He   said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.
              --
              A recent survey reported that one fifth of men do not know   how to turn on the dishwasher. I find that licking her nipples and a  light gentle  fingering tends to do the trick.

[Baldesto]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party  for some  important guests. The wife was very excited about this and  wanted everything to  be perfect so planned an exquisite French feast.  At the very last minute  however she realised that she didn't have any  snails for the dinner party, so  she asked her husband to run down to  the beach with the bucket to gather some.
             He agreed begrudgingly, took the bucket, walked out the  door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
             As he was collecting the snails, he  noticed a beautiful  woman strolling alongside the water just a little  further down the beach. He  kept thinking to himself wouldn't it be  great if she would even just come down  and say hi.
             He went back to gathering the snails.  All of a sudden he looked  up, and the beautiful woman was standing  right over him. They started talking  and she invited him back to her  place. They ended up spending the night  together.
             At seven o'clock the next morning he  woke up and exclaimed  "Oh fuck!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He  gathered all his clothes,  put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket,  and ran out the door. He ran down  the beach all the way to his  apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment.  He was in such a  hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped  the bucket  of leaving snails scattered everywhere.
             Then the door opened with a very angry  wife standing appearing  where on earth he's been all this time. He  looked at the snails all down the  steps, then he looked at her, then  back at the snails and said "Come on  guys, we're almost there!"

[Baldesto]

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.  Every night  after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the  Centre to sit and  ponder his accomplishments and long life.
             One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders  into the garden. They  begin to chat and before they know it, several  hours have passed. After a short  lull in their conversation, Harold  turns to Mildred and asks "Do you know  what I miss most of all?" She  asks "What?" "Sex!!" he  replies.
             Mildred exclaims "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it  up if I held a gun to your head!"
             "I know" Harold says "but it would be  nice if  a woman could just hold it for a while". "Well, I can oblige"   says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds  to hold  it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the  garden where they  would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's  manhood.
             Then one night Harold didn't show up at  their usual meeting  place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and  make sure he was okay.
             She walked around the Senior Citizen  Home where she found  him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female  resident, who was holding  Harold's manhood!
             Furious, Mildred yelled "You two-timing  son of a bitch!  What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold  smiled happily and  replied "Parkinson's".

[Baldesto]

My boss just asked "Do you think you can come in on  Saturday this week?  I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here". "Yeah  no problem,  I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on   weekends". "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?" "Monday".
              --
              Girl: "So what do you do for a living then?" Bloke:  "I'm a  ventriloquist". Girl: "Really? You will have to show me  some time".  Bloke: "I can show you now if you like, let me put my  hand up your  skirt and I'll make your lips move".
              --
              Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one of them notices a   beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other "Jeez,  I'd  really like to dance with that girl". The other man replies "Well  go  ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken". So the man approaches the  lovely  woman and says "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with  me?"  Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says "I'm sorry. Right  now I'm  concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance". So  the man  humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the  friend.  The drunk responded "She said she's constipated on macaroni,  and would  rather shit in her pants".
              --
              What's the difference between the Queensland Labor Party  and  a Tarago? The Tarago still has 8 seat this morning...
              --
             
              --
              I was through to the final question on the radio. The   presenter said, "Take your time, this is for $10,000, choose a category.   Your choices are.... A) Greek mythology; B) Politics; C) Foreign  languages. I  pondered for a short time before opting for foreign  languages. "Okay John,  you've chosen C) Foreign languages. For $10,000:  the Chinese have many  different words they would use to greet  somebody, can you name one? Remember I  have to take your first answer".  I thought for a moment before confidently  answering "Herro".