joke thread

[Baldesto]

AWKWARD MEDICAL EXAM STORIES
             -While working as a nurse for a  cardiology group, I was  asked to obtain a history and physical on a  patient being admitted for a  cardiac catheterisation. Everything was  going smoothly. It felt as though there  was good rapport. But the time  had come to discuss family history. She  proceeded to tell me about her  husband's medical conditions, but interrupted  herself to say "Oh! But  he's not a blood relative".
             -A man comes into the ER and yells "My  wife's going to  have her baby in the cab". I grabbed my stuff, rushed  out to the cab,  lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her  underwear. Suddenly I noticed  that there were several cabs - and I was  in the wrong one.
             -I'm a Physician Assistant and am  primarily responsible for workups  before people go to the OR. As part  of the workups, I have to check patients'  teeth before they have valve  surgery - since bad teeth and gums can become a  source of bacteraemia.  Anyway, because of the timing of the transfers into our  hospital, it is  often quite late that I have to call the oral surgeon for a  consult.  He lives about 40 minutes away. The other night, I called him at about   6:30pm, well past office hours, for a patient with particularly  disgusting  teeth. They were broken, looked like they hadn't been  brushed in several  months, with chunks and assorted colour smudges all  over them. The oral surgeon  obliged and came in that night for the  consult... only to call me a while later  to tell me that the guy had  dentures.
             -At the beginning of my shift I placed a  stethoscope on an  elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior  chest wall. "Big  breaths" I instructed. "Yes, they used to be" replied  the patient.
             -As a fourth year medical student on a  psychiatry rotation,  I was required to spend some time in the geriatric  psych unit. One of the first  patients I had to see required a rectal  exam. I entered the room, introduced  myself, and performed a fairly  complete history and physical exam. Then, I  explained to the patient  the reasons for the rectal exam and she agreed. I drew  the curtain and  began to do the exam. While unfastening the tape of the woman's  adult  diaper, someone entered the room and said "Housekeeping! I'm just  gonna  get the trash". I kept on with the exam and readied the KY Jelly,  only  to find that the patient's bottom was covered with stool. Rather than  take  the easy way out and just test a sample of stool, I proceeded to  sift through  stool until I could properly perform the exam. My  technique left a lot to be  desired however, because I soon heard the  patient scream "Hey! You're in  the wrong hole!" Entirely embarrassed, I  finished, washed my hands and  left, only to find the janitor outside  of the room leaning on his cart laughing  so hard he could barely get  the words out "You aint married are ya buddy?"
             -One day I had to be the bearer of bad  news when I told a  wife that her husband had died of a massive  myocardial infarct. Not more than  five minutes later, I heard her  reporting to the rest of the family that he had  died of a "massive  internal fart".
             -As a pharmacist, I'm often a patients  source of information  about their medications. When one woman came to  the pharmacy to get a refill on  her suppositories she asked if I had  any suggestions she could bring to her  doctor. She said that the  suppositories were not working. "And not only  don't they work, they  hurt! Sometimes they even make me bleed!" I  looked at her prescription,  pulled some suppositories from the shelf, and  opened the box for her.  She then showed me that the corners of the hard foil  wrapper were  sharp. Of course, I cringed when I realised that she was not  removing  the hard foil covers before inserting them.
             -While acquainting myself with a new  elderly patient, I  asked "How long have you been bedridden?" After a  look of complete  confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty  years - when my husband  was alive".
             -One day, after a man had his annual  physical, the doctor  came out and said "You had a great check-up. Is  there anything that you'd  like to talk about or ask me?" "Well" he said  "I was  thinking about getting a vasectomy". "That's a pretty big  decision.  Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah, and they're  in  favour 15 to 2".
             -A nurse was on duty in the Emergency  Room when a young  woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker  mohawk, sporting a variety of  tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,  entered. It was quickly determined that  the patient had acute  appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.  When she was  completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that  her  pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read  'Keep  Off The Grass'. Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon  wrote a short note  on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry... had  to mow the lawn.'
             -A woman and a baby were in the  doctor's examining room,  waiting for the doctor to come in for the  baby's first exam. The doctor arrived,  examined the baby, checked his  weight, and being a little concerned, asked if  the baby was breast-fed  or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well,  strip down to your  waist" the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her  nipples, pressed,  kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very  professional and  detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the  doctor said  "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any  milk". "I  know" she said "I'm his grandma, but I'm glad I  came".
             -I was caring for a woman and asked "So  how's your  breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the  Kentucky  Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient  replied. I then  asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil  packet labelled "KY  Jelly".
             -As a new, young MD doing his residency  in OB, I was quite embarrassed  when performing female pelvic exams. To  cover my embarrassment I had  unconsciously formed a habit of whistling  softly.               The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam  suddenly burst out  laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up  from my work and sheepishly  said "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She  replied, "No doctor,  but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was  an Oscar Meyer  Wiener".

[Baldesto]

A man had just boarded and settled into his seat  next to the  window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle  seat and put his  black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
             The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked  why the dog was allowed on the plane.
             The second man explained that he was from the Police Drug  Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
             "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll  show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work".
             The plane took off and once it has  levelled out, the cop  said "Watch this". He told Sniffer to "search".  Sniffer  jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very  purposefully next to  a woman for several seconds.
             Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the  policeman's arm.
             The Policeman said "Good boy" and he  turned to the  man and said "That woman is in possession of marijuana,  I'm making a note  of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend  her when we land.  "Gee, that's pretty good" replied the first man.
             Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer  to search the aisles.  The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a  few seconds, returned to its  seat, and this time he placed two paws on  the agent's arm.
             The Policeman said "'Two paws mean that  man is carrying  cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat  number for the police".  "I like it!" said his seat mate.
             The Policeman then told Sniffer to  'search' again. Sniffer  walked up and down the aisles for a little  while, sat down for a moment, and  then came racing back to the agent,  jumped into the middle seat and proceeded  to shit all over the place.
             The first man was really disgusted by  this behaviour and  couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog  would behave like that. So he  asked the Policeman "What's going on?"  The Policeman nervously  replied "He's just found a bomb..."

[Baldesto]

Mum is working in the farmhouse kitchen when dad  enters with  his first erection in years. "Mum, get into bed!" he says.  She takes  off her apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils away,  washes her hands,  gets into bed... but too late. Dad has withered away.
             "Ya know, we can't have this happen  again" says  dad. "Next time I get one of these I'll ring the fire bell  so you can  start getting ready when you hear it. When I get to the  house, we'll be  right".
             A year goes by. Mum's in the kitchen.  She hears the fire  bell. She goes through all the preparations. Dad  comes pounding into the house,  through the kitchen, into the bedroom  where mum lays naked waiting for him.
             He looks her over and says "Get up, ya pervert... the  barn's on fire!"

[Baldesto]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El  Indio, Texas  leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for  the only saloon in  town, to clear his parched throat.
             He walked up to the saloon and tied his  old mule to the  hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the  dust from his face and  clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the  saloon with a gun in one hand  and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
             The young gunslinger looked at the old  man and laughed,  saying "Hey old man, can you dance?" The old man  looked up at the  gunslinger and said "No son, I don't dance... never  really wanted to".
             A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger  grinned and said  "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and  started shooting at  the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting  to get a toe blown off,  started hopping around like a flea on a hot  skillet. Everybody standing around  was laughing.
             When his last bullet had been fired,  the young gunslinger,  still laughing, holstered his gun and turned  around to go back into the saloon.  The old man turned to his pack mule,  pulled out a double-barrelled 12 gauge  shotgun and cocked both  hammers.
             The loud clicks carried clearly through  the desert air. The  crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young  gunslinger heard the sounds too,  and he turned around very slowly. The  silence was deafening. The crowd watched  as the young gunman stared at  the old timer and the large gaping holes of those  twin 12 gauge  barrels.
             The barrels of the shotgun never  wavered in the old man's  hands, as he quietly said "Son, have you ever  kissed a mule's ass?" The  gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No  sir... but... I've always wanted  to".
             There are a few lessons for all of us here:
             -Don't be arrogant.
              -Don't waste ammunition.
              -Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
              -Always make sure you know who is in control.
              -And finally, don't screw around with old folks. They didn't get old by being stupid.

[Baldesto]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I  could  tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and  was well taken  care of.
             He calmly came over to me, I gave him a  few pats on his  head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked  down the hall, curled up  in the corner and fell asleep.An hour later,  he went to the door, and I let him out.
             The next day he was back, greeted me in  my yard, walked inside  and resumed his spot in the hall and again  slept for about an hour. This  continued off and on for several weeks.
             Curious I pinned a note to his collar:  'I would like to find  out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is  and ask if you are aware that  almost every afternoon your dog comes to  my house for a nap'.
             The next day he arrived for his nap,  with a different note  pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with  non-stopping chatting wife, 6  children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's  trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I  come with him tomorrow?'

[henno]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.
........
Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
........
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. they said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
........
My girlfriend thinks that Im a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
........
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.
........
A wife says to her husband: "Youre always pushing me around and talking behind my back".
He says: "What do you expect? Youre in a wheelchair".
........
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said: "I would like to come back as a cow".
I said: "You're obviously not listening".
........
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called wedding cake.
........
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".
........
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
........
They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on.
Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.
........
I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for
the show......
........
I just bought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it
........
A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators.
Just a little house warming present.
........
I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house.
I think he's lost his rag.
........
I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil.
The plot thickens!!!
........
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
........
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!
........
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. Aspokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
........
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! nuts to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
........
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
........
I start a new job in Seoul next week.. I thought it was a good Korea move.
........
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

[Ethanor]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

Cushla rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
...
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score....'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man

Mike refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

[Baldesto]

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and  didn't  leave the house for 5 years. It is now believed he called the Navy Seals   himself.

[Baldesto]

RIDICULOUS AND BIZARRE TRAVEL STORIES
                   
-On arrival to the airport in the UK, when asked to present their  passports,  some ladies found themselves in a sticky situation as they  claimed they were not  reminded to bring their passports and thought  that they didn't need them.
                   -On a  trip to the Canary Islands, a lady who took her family of four on  holiday  put in a complaint about their beach experience. She claimed  that, due to the  warm weather, the sand was too hot and her children  could not walk  down to the sea for a swim.
                   -We  had taken a two-day coach  trip from Sousse (in Tunisia) to the Sahara with  stops off in various  places en route. At Matmarta we pulled into a small hotel  for lunch. We  were served couscous and were just about to start our meal when a  lady  sitting at the next table proclaimed in a loud voice "What's the   foreign rubbish? I'm not eating that stuff. What do you think you are  doing?  Bring me some real food, I'll have an omelette, now, and hurry  up". I  didn't know where to look as I folded up with laughter. By the  way the couscous  was wonderful.
                   -A man  who went to the Costa del Sol complained that there  was too much food  to eat from the buffet in his all-inclusive hotel. As a  result, he put  on 'at least 5lbs' during his trip, which he wasn't too pleased  about.
                   -"The  disappointment telling the  children that the reindeer could not fly was  incredible… you must  state this clearly in your brochure in future!"
                   -Another  male tourist, this time on holiday in Majorca, claimed that the  number  of bikini-clad women on the beach caused a fall-out between him and his   wife, as he was caught ogling them 'on more than one occasion'.
                   -I had an old chap  from Canada  when I worked at the Grand in Brighton complaining furiously that  it  was absolutely disgusting for us not to give out steak knives with the   steak. I had to remain professional as possible, but finally had to  point out  to him that he was having duck...
                   -A couple who had spent two  weeks in Marmaris in Turkey said  that their holiday had been a  disappointment because there were 'too many  English people around' and  the main reason they went to Turkey in the first  place was to  experience somewhere 'more exotic'.
                   -An American lady  tourist  visiting the amphitheatre at Ephesus, Turkey, said: "If this had  been  built in America they would have at least put an elevator in".
                   -One man said he was  unhappy about the fact that he had not  been able to fully enjoy his  holiday to Portugal. His hotel bed was 'too  comfy' meaning that he  overslept on more than one occasion when he would  have 'preferred to be  up early and making the most of it'.
                   -At Machu Picchu I  encountered a  British tourist arguing with the entrance staff demanding a  refund for  his entry fee. His complaint, "There are too many clouds around  the  surrounding mountains".
                   -A group of young adults  who had travelled to Ayia Napa in  Cyprus claimed that the 24 hour  reception in their hotel made them feel  like they were being  'judged' for returning back to their room late,  despite the resort  being renowned for partying and late nights.
                   -From a renters of a  luxury  villa in Florida: "There is somebody living in the attic and he has   poisoned the food in the freezer. We want it replaced".
                   -Another male holidaymaker claimed his fear of heights  had prevented him from enjoying his flight to Mauritius.
                   -An American couple had travelled  to the north  of Norway to see the midnight sun, but as they stood  there they complained that  it was the same sun as home in America and  wanted their money back!
                   -Finally, a man who had been with  his wife to Bulgaria said  that the couple in the room next door had  been loud in their lovemaking, which  subsequently made him  feel 'pressured' into initiating sex with his own  wife.
                   -A tourist at a top African game  lodge overlooking a  waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant,  complained that the sight of  this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by  making him feel 'inadequate'.

[Baldesto]

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat  and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
                   As the train rolled out of the  station the guy sitting next  to her pulled out his cell phone and  started talking in a loud voice "Hi  sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the  train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and  not the four thirty but I  had a long meeting... no, honey, not with that  floozie from the  accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only  one in  my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc etc.
                   Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne  de Bellevue he was still  talking loudly, when the young woman sitting  next to him, who was obviously  angered by his continuous diatribe,  yelled at the top of her voice: "Hey,  Eric, turn that stupid phone off  and come back to bed!"
                   My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in  public any longer.

[Baldesto]

A young law student, having failed his Law exam,  goes up to  his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his  razor-sharp legal mind.
                   Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything  about this subject?"
                  Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I  wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
                  Student: "Okay so I'd like to ask you a question. If   you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If  you  can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me  an A.
                  Professor: "Hmmmm alright. What's the question?"
                  Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but  not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
                   The professor wracks his famous  brain but just can't crack  the answer. Finally he gives up and changes  the student's failing mark into an A  as agreed and the student goes  away, very pleased.
                   The professor continues to wrack  his brain over the question  all afternoon, but still can't get the  answer. So finally he calls in a group  of his brightest students and  tells them he has a really, really tough question  to answer: "What is  legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and  neither logical nor  legal?"
                   To the professor's surprise (and  embarrassment), all the  students immediately raise their hands.  "All  right" says the professor and asks his favourite  student to answer.
                   "It's quite easy, sir" says the  student "You  see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old  woman, which is legal,  but not logical. Your wife has a 18 year old  lover which is logical, but not  legal. And your wife's lover failed his  exam but you've just given him an A,  which is nether legal, nor  logical".

[Baldesto]

RURAL AUSTRALIAN COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY
                   LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
                    LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
                    MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
                    DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
                    HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold  tinnies.
                    KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
                    WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
                    SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
                    BYTE: What mozzies do.
                    MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
                    CHIP: A bar snack.
                    MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the  chips.
                    MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
                    LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
                    SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
                    HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
                    MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
                    MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
                    WEB: What spiders make.
                    WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
                    SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
                    CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
                    YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
                    UPGRADE: A steep hill.
                    SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter  lunch.
                    MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter  lunch.
                    USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
                    NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing  net.
                    INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
                    NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in  the net
                    ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
                  OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't  strong enough.

[Baldesto]

A little girl came running into the house crying  her eyes  out and cradling her hand.  "Mummy,  quick! Get me a glass of  cider!" she wailed. "Why do you want a glass  of cider?" asked mum. "I  cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain  to go away".
                   Confused, but weary of the  child's whining, the mother  obliged and poured her a glass of cider.                   The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.   "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" whined the little  one.
                   "What are you talking about?"  asked her  increasingly perplexed parent. "I once heard the babysitter  say that  whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get  it in cider!"

[Baldesto]

How come all paedophiles look pretty much the same? Big  beard, glasses,  greasy hair... what is it about that look that kids find so   attractive?
              --
              I was listening to the radio this morning when the host   invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives. Best  call was  from the guy who called his wife 'Harvey Norman'. Why...? No  interest for 48  months.
              --
              "So if Robin Gibb is dead, who will sing "Staying  Alive"?
              --
              I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic  the  other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and  ask them  for a coat hanger
              --
              Every time my wife and I want to have sex, we have to say   the code word 'washing machine'. 'The other night I leant over to her  in bed  and said "Washing machine". She said "Sorry babes, I'm too   tired, maybe tomorrow". After 10 minutes she felt guilty so she turned   over, and whispered in my ear "Washing machine". I said, "Sorry  love,  it was only a small load so I did it by hand".
              --
              Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that   the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at  doing  them. Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at  your  undies". Susie said "I know they do... that's why I hide them in  my  backpack!"

[Baldesto]

ACTUAL NEWS HEADLINES FROM AROUND THE WORLD
             -MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER
              If nothing else, he was talented.
              -PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD
              Surprisingly, this is a common cause of plane crashes.
              -SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS
              No, really? Ya think?
              -DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
              Sounds uncomfortable.
              -POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
              Now that's taking things a bit far!
              -PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
              Let's hope he can do it!
              -SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
              I'm pretty sure there's a law against that.
              -MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
              No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
              -JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
              If all else fails...
              -WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
              I can see where it might have that effect!
              -TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
              Probably shouldn't have been standing there.
              -IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
              Ya think?!
              -NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE
              Sharing is caring.
              -COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
              Who would have thought!
              -END TO FREE SCHOOL LOOMS
              Long past due in my opinion.
              -EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
              Poor vision blamed.
              -ENFIELD (LONDON) COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
              They may be on to something!
              -BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
              How dare they!?
              -REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
              That’s how politics works isn't it?
              -RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES
              You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?  Oklahoma's new construction program!
              -SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
              Well it's not something you should rush. First time should be special right?
              -MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING: FACES BATTERY CHARGE
              He probably IS the battery charge!
              -PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
              He is human after all.
              -KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
              Are they going to dig him up...?
              -NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP
              Weren't they fat enough?!
              -IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
              Can't be greedy about these things.
              -ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
              That's what he gets for eating those beans!
              -FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
              Poor Bill.
              -TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
              Poor little ship.
              -KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
              Do they taste like chicken?
              -SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
              Old habits die hard I guess.
              -LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF
              Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
              -SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
              A bit harsh maybe...
              -HOSPITAL SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
              Boy, are they tall!
              -STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
              I didn’t even realise the tree was looking.
              -LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
              Can you still eat them...?
              -TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD
              Did I read that right?
              -SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
              Where do I get one??

[Baldesto]

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in,  a sailor  says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" "Hey, mind your   language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and   blurts out "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a   Fucker fish"
             Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor  and takes the fish back to church.
             "Look at this huge fucker" says the  priest,  spotting the bishop. "Language please! This is God's house"  replies  the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called" says the   priest. "Oh" says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean  that  fucker and we could have it for dinner".
             So the bishop takes the fish, cleans  it, and brings it to  the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker  for dinner tonight?"  he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims,  clearly shocked. "No,  sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker"  says the bishop. Satisfied  with the explanation, the mother superior  says "Wonderful, I'll cook that  fucker tonight, the Pope is coming for  dinner!"
             The fish tastes just great and the Pope  asks where they got  it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.  "And I cleaned  the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!"  says  the mother superior.
             The Pope stares at them for a minute  with a steely glaze,  leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts  his feet up on the table,  pours himself a whiskey and says "You know  what? You cunts are alright".

[Baldesto]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim  accidentally  dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under  the table to pick them  up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue wasn't wearing  any underwear under her dress!  Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit  back up again, hit his head on the  table and emerged red-faced.
             Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get  some refreshments.  Les's wife followed and asked "Did you see anything  that you like under  there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted  that, well indeed he did.  She said "Well, you can have it but it will  cost you $250".
             After taking a minute or two to assess  the financial and  moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is  interested. Sue told him  that since her husband Les played golf Friday  afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim  should be at her house around 2pm  Friday.
             When Friday rolled around, Jim showed  up at Les's house at 2pm  on the dot and, after paying Sue the agreed  sum, went to the bedroom and closed  their transaction. Jim quickly  dressed and left.
             As usual, Les came home from golf at  6pm and upon arriving,  asked his wife "Did Jim come by the house this  afternoon?" With a  lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did  stop by for a few minutes  this afternoon". Her heart nearly skipped a  beat when her husband curtly  asked "Did he give you $250?" Sue, using  her best poker face, replied  "Well, yes, in fact he did". Les, with a  satisfied look on his face,  continued "Good. He came by the golf club  this morning and borrowed $250  from me. He promised he'd stop by this  afternoon and pay me back".

[Baldesto]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way  home he  suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls  over to a toy shop  and asks the sales person "HHow much for one of  those Barbie's in the  display window?" The salesperson answers "Which  one do you mean, sir?  We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping  Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie  for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95,  Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut  Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie  for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
             Amazed, the father asks "It's what?! Why is the  Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only                $19.95?"
             The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes,  sighs and answers  "Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's  House, Ken's Boat,  Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's  Friends, and a key chain made  with Ken's balls"

[Baldesto]

Took a girl home after clubbing last night. After a  few  drinks, we went upstairs and while we were taking our clothes off a  voice came  from the bed and said "I hope that's not that fat one from  last week".  The girl said "What the fuck was that?" I said "It's that   bastard memory foam mattress".
              --
              My wife just came in and said "I don't know if I am   coming or going". "I said to her "Judging by the look on your  face,  you're going 'coz when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down   Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"
              --
              I would like to share an experience with you about  drinking  and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to  have had brushes  with the authorities on our way home from the odd  social session over the  years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a  few drinks with some friends at  the Marriott Hotel and had a few too  many beers and some rather nice red wine.  Knowing full well I may have  been slightly over the limit, I did something I've  never done before: I  took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block  but as it  was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident   which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am  not sure  where I got it.
              --
              My girlfriend was screaming at me. "Leave!! Get out  this  house!" she ordered. As I got up to walk out the door she yelled  "I  hope you die a slow and painful death!" So I turned around and replied  "Make up your mind. Do you want me to stay or go?"
              --
              A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The   first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight  minutes. The  second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The  following Sunday, he talks  for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation  had to mob him to get him down  from the pulpit and they asked him what  happened. The Pastor explains the first  Sunday his gums hurt so bad he  couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The  second Sunday his gums hurt  too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the  third Sunday, he  put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
             

[Baldesto]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband  is at work.
             Her 9-year old son comes home  unexpectedly, sees them, and  hides in the bedroom closet. Then the  woman's husband also comes home. She puts  her lover in the closet, not  realizing that the little boy is in there already.
             The little boy says "Dark in here". The  man says "Yes,  it is". Boy "I have a golf ball". Man - "That's nice".   Boy "Want to buy it?" Man "No, thanks". Boy "My dad's  outside". Man  "Okay, how much?"
              Boy "$250".
             A few weeks later, it happens again  that the boy and the  lover are in the closet together.               Boy "Dark in here". Man "Yes, it is".  Boy "I have sand  wedge". The lover, remembering the last time, asks  the boy "How much?"  Boy "$750" Man "Sold".
             A few days later, the boy's father says  to the boy "Grab  your wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have  some short game practice. The  boy says, "I can't - I sold my ball and  sand wedge, Dad". The father  says, "What?! How much did you sell them  for?" Boy "$1,000".  The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your  friends like that.  That is far more than those two things cost. I'm  going to take you to church  and make you confess".
             They go to the church and the father  makes the little boy  sit in the confession booth and he closes the  door. The boy says "Dark in  here". The priest says "Don't start that  shit with me again..."

[Baldesto]

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a  brilliant  scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of  years, his fame  grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming  to him in the town of  Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their  likenesses.
             One day, a beautiful young English  woman arrived at his  house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he  would paint her in the nude. This  being the first time anyone had made  such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed,  particularly when the woman  told him that money was no object. In fact, she was  willing to pay up  to $10,000.
             Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her  to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
             In a few minutes he returned. "T'would  be me pleasure  to paint yer portrait, missus" he said "The wife says  it's  okay". I'll paint ya in da nude alright. But I has to at least  leave me  socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes..."

[Baldesto]

Sally and Harry have been married for 50 years and are being  interviewed by a reporter from the local newspaper.
             "So Sally" asks the reporter "I know  today is  your golden wedding anniversary, how old, exactly, are you?"  "I am 78  years old" replies Sally proudly. "And I hope I live to be  100".  "Well I hope your wish comes true" says the reporter.
             The reporter then turned to Harry and  asked "And how  old are you, Harry?" "I'm also 78 years old" replies  Harry  "and, please God, I should live to be 101". "But why" asked  the  reporter "would you want to live one year longer than your wife?"
             "Well, to tell you the truth" replies Harry  "I would like to have at least one year of peace and quiet".

[Baldesto]

RESTAURANT REVIEWS
                   "What they lack in quality, they make up for with butter".
                    "The only way the tables could be closer together would  be to stack them".
                    "Be prepared for a lot of high-fives and drunk frat  guys screaming 'Falafel !!!'"
                    "The viewing beats the chewing".
                    "Quail with figs had exactly one fig. When asked for   more, the waiter replied there's one fig per customer!"
                    "The service is like a bad high school play - warm,  well-meaning and completely inept".
                    "Dishwashing utensil in my gumbo tainted the meal".
                    "If you have no personality, this is the hangout for  you".
                    "Service with a grudge".
                    "The special occasion place for people with bad taste".
                    "I'm pretty sure I ate cow's udders and liked them".
                    "The maître d' made us wait to be seated, apparently  for no other reason than because he could".
                    "Service exists in two modes - know it all and not at  all".
                    "Like eating in an NYC subway station, only nicer".
                    "Primary attraction was the small wildlife wandering  across the table".
                    "The chef keeps renaming and relocating the restaurant  like it's a member of the Federal Witness Protection Program".
                    "Very polite staff - when a guest fell asleep they  served his food as if nothing had happened".
                    "Good place to turn down a marriage  proposal".
                    "I go here a lot... I'm not sure why".
                    "The food looks like it was plated by toddlers".
                    "Overrated, overhyped, overlook it".
                    "Charming in an authoritarian kind of way".
                    "Service so attentive you may have to ask for some  privacy".
                    "Take a look at the staff on the way in - that's the  last you'll see of them".
                    "Other than having gone to hell in a hand basket,  everything is just like it was before the sale".
                    "The valet stole my cell phone and called Brazil 11  times". "What is an 'ultra lounge' anyway?"
                    "Had I known the lobster cost $300, I would have  brought it home and kept it as a pet".
                    "Menu is epic, but like a bad '50's Bible picture".
                    "Even their 'regulars' have stopped going there".
                    "Foie gras does not need to be put into a mascarpone  cookie".
                    "I would rather eat sushi from a vending machine".
                    "Great food amid a sea of shorts and black socks".
                    "The waiter took my order, went outside to smoke and  then waved through the window".
                    "Could someone do something about the uniforms? 1982  just called and it wants its suspenders back".
                    "We could have lived without knowing that our waiter  was 'Steven from Long Beach".
                    "If I wanted to be treated with distaste, I would just  stay home".
                    "Our waiter was very unattractive, and this being LA, I  have to downgrade the decor rating".
                    "They make you walk around with a horse stick and blow  a whistle. That'll teach you to tell someone it's your birthday".
                    "Overpriced and undergood".
                    "The food may be bad but at least the service is slow".
                    "It seems that the owner, the chef and I have lost interest".
                    "My waiter was so soft-spoken I thought he was a mime".
                    "Someone had to employ all those out-of-work actors, I  guess".
                    "If this is American food, I'll apply for a passport  out".
                    "Hard to tell if it is a restaurant or drug front".
                    "My office comes here for special lunches, but I wish  they'd stop".
                    "The food may have been excellent, but I was choking on  the prices".
                    "Even the ice water had garlic in it".
                    "I'd love to go back - if you were paying".
                    "Proof that there's no shortage of people who want to  eat bad food in historic buildings".
                    "The only thing healthy about the place is the exit  door".
                    "Staff wanders around as if they were just beamed to this  strange location".
                    "Who said it was okay to expose your chest hair while  serving people their sandwiches and frozen yogurt?"
                    "The staff is charmingly incompetent".
                    "A good place to go with co-workers you don't like".
                    "I do wish they'd stop sticking a pine tree in every  entree".
                    "The No. 1 spot in town for crooked pharmaceutical reps  to stuff fat doctors full of $50 steaks".
                    "Once you drive through axe-murderer country to get  here you are pleasantly surprised by all the people and the buzz".
                    "It's hard to tell where the food stops and the styrofoam  containers begin".
                    "Suffers from delusions of adequacy".
                    "Took a doggy bag home. The dog refused it".
                    "If I want to be ignored, I can stay home with my family".
                    "So much for old world cooking - unless their microwave  is hand-cranked".
                    "Family-friendly, yes. Foodie-friendly, no!"
                    "If this place doesn't get you laid, nothing will".
                    "His food tastes better on TV".
                    "The music's so loud it's like they're asking you to  leave".
                    "Saves fuel bills - the heartburn will keep you warm  all winter".
                    "The immature eating the indelible".
                    "Like a skunk, it's small, it's cute and it stinks".
                    "Our wine was a year older when it finally arrived at  the table".
                    "I actually pulled out my cell phone and called and  asked them to please bring us water".
                    "Abandon taste buds all ye who enter here".
                    "It has a great reputation among people who don't get  out much".
                    "A petri dish gone horribly, horribly wrong".
                    "The roaches always get the best seats".
                    "I thought I was looking at an oil painting when  suddenly it moved - it was my waitress".
                    "I don't tip if I get groped".
                    "Chef's responsibility is to turn on the microwave".
                    "If only the spectacular view could fill one's stomach".
                    "Foam is not the solution".
                    "I've been in prisons with better service".
                    "They put the salmon in salmonella".
                    "If I want a fatty sandwich served by a walking  attitude, I'll go to my mum's".
                    "Grandma cooked like this, grandpa died young".
                    "I was told by the waiter that I have the wrong palate".
                    "I liked the concept until I ate here".
                    "I asked the waitress what was on the cheese plate and  she replied 'cheese'".
                    "Food is awesomely average".
                    "Good luck with the semi-annual waiter service".
                    "Only the flies on our table enjoyed the meal".
                    "Good seafood, but the waiter should be used as fish  bait".
                    "An experience only a suburbanite would tolerate".
                    "So snobby you would think its high school all over  again".
                    "Anorexic portions at obese prices".
                    "Not what it used to be and it did not used to be much".
                    "Trying to be edgy, they fell off".
                    "You can take lessons on apathy and disaffection from  the wait staff here".
                    "Duck must have had a long flight - tired, tough and  took 90 minutes to arrive".
                    "Most of the food here tastes like cheese with extra  cheese on top".
                    "Our waiter would have been better cast as an  undertaker".
                    "Portions so small I started laughing - prices so high  I started crying".
                    "So much staff...so little service".
                    "They're having siesta while you're trying to fiesta".
                    "Have yet to learn that heat is an integral part of the  cooking process".
                    "A place so phony it would make Holden Caulfield's head  explode".
                    "Like putting a tiara on a street vendor".
                    "For the price, the lobster should have come via overnight  express, not ony express".
                    "Best things here are the toothpicks".
                    "All they have is the view, and you can walk outside  and have that for free".
                    "'Breaking bread' should not mean you have to use the  side of the table".
                    "I'm convinced that my salad was deep-fried".
                    "Less than meets the eye".
                    "The quiche of death".
                    "Should shut down the restaurant and just serve the  view".

[Baldesto]

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill.  The doctor  checks him over and says "Sorry, I have some bad news, you  have 'Yellow 24',  a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because  it turns your blood yellow  and you usually only have 24 hours to live.  There's no known cure so just go  home and enjoy your final precious  moments on earth".
                   So he trudges home to his wife  and breaks the news. Distraught,  she asks him to go to the bingo with  her that evening as he's never been there  with her before. They arrive  at the bingo and with his first card he gets four  corners and wins $35.
                   Then, with the same card, he gets  a line and wins $320. Then  he gets the full house and wins $1000. Then  the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting  $380,000!
                   The bingo caller gets him up on  stage and says "Son,  I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone  win four corners, a line,  the full-house and the national game on the  same card. You must be the luckiest  man on Earth!"
                   "Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky?  I'll have you  know I've got Yellow 24". "Fuck me!" says the bingo  caller "You've won the  meat raffle as well!!"

[Baldesto]

These two guys meet after not having seen each  other for  many years. First guy asks the second guy"How have things  been going?" The second guy  speaking very slowly tells the first guy,  "I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t  m..a..r..r..i..e..d". The first guy says in  amazement "Hey you don't  stutter anymore!"
                   The answer comes " Y..e...s, I  w..e..n..t t.o a  d..o..c..t..o...r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e  t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e...a..k  s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t  s..t..u..t..t..e..r".
                   The first friend congratulates  him and then asks again about  how he was almost married. "W..e..l..l,  m..y f..i..a..n..c...e..e a..n..d  I w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n  h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e  d..o..g w..a..s  s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I  t..o..l..d  h..e...r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d,   s..h..e c..o..u..l..d d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e   t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e".
                   "Why should she throw the ring in  your face for that!?"  asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l, I  s..p..e..a..k s..o  s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b...y t..h..e t..i..m.e  s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d  a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s  l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s  b..a..l..l..s"...