joke thread

[Baldesto]

A woman sitting in an Adelaide pub suddenly began  to  cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real  distress,  and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table  turned to look at  her.
                   "Ken ya swaller?" asked Bluey. The woman signalled  "No!" desperately shaking her head.
                   "Kin ya breathe?" asked Bazza. The woman shook  her head "No!!"
                   With that, Bluey walked behind  her, lifted up the back of  her dress yanked down her knickers and ran  his tongue up and down the crack of  her bottom.
                   This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the  obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
                   Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of  his beer.
                   Bazza said in admiration "Ya know  Bluey, I'd heard  of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the  first time I ever seen  somebody do it!"

[Baldesto]

On his way to a convention in Vegas, a penguin is  having  problems with his car. It's so hot he has had the AC cranked the  whole time and  now the car was starting to sound funny. Pulling over  into a small town he  finds "Bear Auto Repair" and tries to get it  fixed.
                   The mechanic, a polar bear, says  "kind of busy right  now, I'll check it awhile". The penguin decided to  wander around while  waiting for the car to be looked at. Outside for a  bit, he really started to  get warm in the sun and proceeded to find a  store with something cold to eat to  help cool down.
                   At the cooler he pulled out some  frozen snacks in  packages to devour. But he couldn't open the packages  very well with his  flippers and dropped them over and over. Looking  around for help, he noticed no  one close to him but did spy several  large tubs of ice cream in the cooler.  Quickly he jumps in and eats his  fill. On his way out of the store he said  sorry for any mess and  happily paid for more than he might have eaten.
                   Back at the garage now, he  waddles to his car where the  bear is still under the car. Unsure if the  bear knows he is there, he clears  his throat and asks "So, what do you  think?" The bear looks out from  under the car briefly and says "Oh,  looks like you've blown a seal".  The penguin remarks back "Oh no, it's  just ice cream".

[Baldesto]

On his way to a convention in Vegas, a penguin is  having  problems with his car. It's so hot he has had the AC cranked the  whole time and  now the car was starting to sound funny. Pulling over  into a small town he  finds "Bear Auto Repair" and tries to get it  fixed.
                   The mechanic, a polar bear, says  "kind of busy right  now, I'll check it awhile". The penguin decided to  wander around while  waiting for the car to be looked at. Outside for a  bit, he really started to  get warm in the sun and proceeded to find a  store with something cold to eat to  help cool down.
                   At the cooler he pulled out some  frozen snacks in  packages to devour. But he couldn't open the packages  very well with his  flippers and dropped them over and over. Looking  around for help, he noticed no  one close to him but did spy several  large tubs of ice cream in the cooler.  Quickly he jumps in and eats his  fill. On his way out of the store he said  sorry for any mess and  happily paid for more than he might have eaten.
                   Back at the garage now, he  waddles to his car where the  bear is still under the car. Unsure if the  bear knows he is there, he clears  his throat and asks "So, what do you  think?" The bear looks out from  under the car briefly and says "Oh,  looks like you've blown a seal".  The penguin remarks back "Oh no, it's  just ice cream".

[Spigalau]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan  officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and  Needs to borrow $5,000.
 
 The bank officer says the bank will  need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the  keys to a new Mercedes Benz.
 
 The car is parked on the  street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks  out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
 
 The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the  blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
 
 An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's  underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde  returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
 
 The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your  business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a  little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that  you are a multimillionaire.
 
 What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
 
 The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for  two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[BerG]

Surely a multimillionaire has someone they can pay a few grand to park their car safely, rather than wasting all that time and hassle going to the bank for a loan.

[Baldesto]

What do a blowjob and a woolly jumper have in common??  They both feel rough when you get them from your granny.

[Baldesto]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
                   -Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry  basket according to lights and darks.
                    -Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
                    -If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed  areas.
                    -Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make  mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
                    -Get in the shower.
                    -Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide  loofah and pumice stone.
                    -Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with  43 added vitamins...
                    -Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
                    -Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner  enhanced.
                    -Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10  minutes until red...
                    -Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake  body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
                    -Shave armpits and legs.
                    -Turn off shower.
                    -Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
                    -Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
                    -Get out of shower.
                    -Dry with towel the size of a small country.
                    -Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
                    -Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and  towel  on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed  areas.
                   HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
                   -Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed  and leave them in a pile.
                    -Walk naked to the bathroom.
                    -If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her  making the 'woo-woo' sound.
                    -Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
                    -Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
                    -Get in the shower.
                    -Wash your face.
                    -Wash your armpits.
                    -Blow your nose in your hands and let the water  rinse  them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
                    -Spend majority of time washing privates and  surrounding  area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck  on the soap.
                    -Wash your hair.
                    -Make a Shampoo Mohican
                    -Wee.
                    -Rinse off and get out of shower.
                    -Partially dry off.
                    -Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was  hanging out of bath the whole time.
                    -Admire willy size in mirror again.
                    -Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and  fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
                    -If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her  and make the 'woo-woo' sound again
                    -Throw wet towel on bed.

[Baldesto]

"As good as this bar is" said the Scotsman  "I  still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called   McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you  buy four  drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink".
                   "Well Angus" said the Englishman  "At my  local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your  third drink after you  buy the first two". "Ahhh, dat's nothin'" said  the Irishman  "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set  foot in the  place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the  drinks you like. Then,  when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you  upstairs and see dat you gets  laid, all on the house!"
                   The Englishman and Scotsman were  suspicious of these  claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but  they asked "Did this  actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally,  no" admitted  the Irishman "but it did happen to me sister quite a few  times".

[Baldesto]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in  a  mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially  by two  shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back  together again.
                   The boy asked "What is this  Father?" The father  responded "Son, I have never seen anything like  this in my life, I don't  know what it is".
                   While the boy and his father were  watching with  amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to  the moving walls and  pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady  rolled between them into a small  room. The walls closed and the boy and  his father watched the small numbers  above the walls light up  sequentially.
                   They continued to watch until it  reached the last number  and then the numbers began to light in the  reverse order. Finally the walls  opened up again and a gorgeous  24-year-old blond stepped out.
                   The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said  quietly to his son... "Go get your mother".

[Baldesto]

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.  My  six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our  heads he  said "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I  would even  thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.  And liberty and  justice for all! Amen!"
                   Along with the laughter from the  other customers nearby,  I heard a woman remark "That's what's wrong  with this country. Kids today  don't even know how to pray. Asking God  for ice cream! Why, I never!"
                   Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me  "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
                   As I held him and assured him  that he had done a terrific  job, and God was certainly not mad at him,  an elderly gentleman approached the  table.
                   He winked at my grand-son and  said "I happen to know  that God thought that was a great prayer".  "Really?" my  grand-son asked. "Cross my heart" the man replied. Then,  in a  theatrical whisper, he added "Too bad she never asks God for ice  cream. A  little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes".
                   Naturally, I bought my  grand-children ice cream at the  end of the meal. My grand-son stared at  his for a moment, and then did  something I will remember the rest of  my life.
                   He picked up his sundae and,  without a word, walked over  and placed it in front of the woman. With a  big smile he told her "Here,  this is for you. Shove it up your arse  you grouchy old cunt!"

[Baldesto]

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I  went in  to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy. In those days  it took a lot  of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item  because everyone in town  knew me and there was no doubt the young lady  (I think her name was Delores)  knew what they were for.
                   She was working as an assistant  behind the counter and  she could see that I was really embarrassed by  the whole procedure. She handed  me the package and asked if I knew how  to wear one. I answered honestly "No,  not really."
                   So she unwrapped the package,  took one out and slipped it  over her thumb. She cautioned me to make  sure it was on tight and secure.
                   Apparently I still looked  confused. So, she looked all  around the store to see if it were empty.  It was. "Just a minute" she  said, and walked to the door and locked it.  
                   Taking my hand, she led me into  the back room, unbuttoned  her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her  bra and laid it aside. "Do  these excite you?" she asked.
                   I was so dumb-struck that all I  could do was stand there  with my mouth open and nod my head. She then  said it was time to slip the  condom on. As I was slipping it on, she  dropped her skirt, removed her panties  and lay down on a desk. "Well  come on!" she said "We don't have  much time".
                   So I climbed on her. It was so  wonderful that,  unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I  was done within a few  moments.
                   She looked at me with a bit of a  frown. "Did you put  that condom on?" she asked. I said "sure did" and  held up my  thumb to show her.
                   She then beat the shit out of me... women have always been  hard for me to figure out!

[Baldesto]

A student from the University of IOWA named Mendy  decides  to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in  particular, men  who fuck sheep.
                   He takes a flight to Australia,  and meets a sheep farmer  and amongst other things asks him how he  actually has sex with the sheep. "Well  it's quite simple - you grab the  bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your  cock in!"
                   The student later travels to New  Zealand and asks a  farmer there the same question. "Ah we're with the  Aussie jokers on that  one - grab it by the tail, hold on and fuck it  from behind!"
                   Finally, the student goes to  Wales and asks a farmer  there how he does it. "Well it's bloody awkward  see - first you find your  sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you  grabs the sheep by the front paws,  bend its back over the wall and  fucks it like that!"
                   The Student replies "Why don't  you fuck it from  behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?"  "Fuck it from  behind? Well how else am I supposed to kiss it?"

[SteddieEddie]

I was drinking at a bar the other night, when a woman walked behind me a grabbed my arse. She smiled at me and asked me if a wanted her number. I asked her if she had a pen. She replied yes she does. So I told her that she should hurry up back there before the farmer found out she was gone.

[deanox]

Chillie's been telling jokes, no pg 76

[SteddieEddie]

I don't get what all the fuss is about Oscar Pistorius, he is not the first person to wake up legless on Valantine day and blow his load into his girlfriends face

[Baldesto]

WHO ORDERED THE HORSE?
                   -I'm not one for bragging, but I'm hung like a  Tesco's burger.
                    -I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse... I guess Tesco just  listened.
  -Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
                    -Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this  hurdle.
  -Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my  Burger... so I had a £5 each way bet!
                    -Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night. I  still have a bit between my teeth.
  -A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse  meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.
                    -Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for  traces of unicorn.
  -I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer... AND  THEY'RE OFF.
                    -Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in  burgers,  as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
  -Had burgers from Tesco last night. They gave me terrible  trots.
                    -To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian.
  -A cow walks into a bar. Barman says "Why the long  face?" Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our  jobs!"
                    -I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make  great horse d'oeuvres.
  -These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about  flogging a dead horse!
                    -They've found horse meat in Tesco burgers? It's an  unbridled disaster.
  -A Tesco burger walks into a bar. "A pint  please".  "I can't hear you" says the barman. "Sorry" replies  the  burger. "I'm a little bit horse".
                    -I selected some burgers on the Tesco website. And then  clicked "Add to cart".
  -I think someone may be sending me death threats. I woke  up this morning with a Tesco burger in my bed.
                    -I used to work for Tesco, but I was fired. I got an   email about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.
  -Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What are the odds on that?
                    -I tried to take some burgers back to Tesco but they  said they wouldn't accept  them. Looks like I'm saddled with them.
  -Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef  burger sales remain stable.
                    -Despite the recent scandal, Tesco insist they use  only  meat of the highest quality. A spokesman said "Our meat has to  clear  several hurdles before it goes on sale".
  -So there's horse meat in Tesco's burgers. Don't worry,  it's not the mane ingredient.
                    -Tesco, everything you want from a store and a little bit  mare.
  -You think Tesco Horse Burgers are bad, you should try  their Quarter Pandas.
                    -I used to have my burgers medium to rare, now I have to  have them good to firm.
  -Tesco customers have no manners. I was  hampered in the  frozen food isle - some bastard hit me with a tin of  beans. I've lodged a  steward's enquiry with the clerk of the weigh in.
                   AND THE OSCAR GOES TO... JAIL!
                   -Hard times for Oscar, he's not going to have a leg to  stand on in court.
-Oscar's favourite band: Bullet for my valentine.
-Investigators are still stumped at the Oscar Pistorius  shooting.
-Poor Oscar, He can't even throw himself on his knees and ask the court for  leniency
-Apparently she kept coming home at all hours. Maybe he  shot her because he couldn't put his foot down.
- New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home  that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder. Footprints.
- I had heard that he was very highly sprung.
-I have just realised that Oscar can enrol in the  shooting event with the next Olympics.
-Reporter "Oscar, why did you shoot her?" Oscar  "Well I couldn't exactly kick her out now could I?"
-She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was  the silence of the limbs.
-If Oscar Pistorius had no arms, this would never happen.
-Surely Oscar Pistorius can't be the 1st man to wake up legless on  Valentine's Day  and shoot all over his wife's face imagining she was  someone else. Whilst Oscar  missed out on a Valentine's Day blow job, he  can look forward to anal sex every  night for the next 20 years.
-Oscar is not going to walk away from this.
-I didn't know he was such an upstanding marksman...
-Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't try to surprise  Oscar Pistorious.
-Oscar was surprisingly upbeat after being arrested for  shooting his girlfriend. He still had a spring in his step.
-Reporter "How did you get involved with an FHM  model?" Oscar "I just took a shot in the dark"...
-At least he gave his relationship his best shot.
-When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like  able bodied athletes. Who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
-I will not stand for these Oscar Pistorius murder  allegations.
-He who shoots his girlfriend on Valentine's Day deserves  an Oscar.
-The police are questioning Oscar but they are pretty  stumped.
-He can't put a foot wrong now.
-Absolutely shocking news from South Africa: White man  arrested for murder.
-Taking your girl out on Valentine's Day means something  totally different to Oscar.

[Baldesto]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are  traveling  through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are  stopped at a traffic  light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little  Dracula jumps onto the hood of the  car and hisses through the  windshield.
                   "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister  Catherine.  "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That  will  get rid of the abomination" says Sister Helen.
                   Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula  about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
                   "What shall I do now?" she  shouts. "Switch  on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy  Water at the Vatican" says  Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the  windshield washer. Dracula screams  as the water burns his skin, but he  clings on and continues hissing at the  nuns.
                   "Now what?" shouts Sister  Catherine. "Show  him your cross" says Sister Helen. "Now you're  talking" says  Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts "Get  the fuck off the  car!"

[Baldesto]

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school  one day.  His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She  asks "Did  anything special happen at school today?"
                   "Yes mum. I had sex with my English teacher!"
                   The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about  this with your father when he gets home".
                   Well, when dad comes home and  hears the news he is  pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks  over to his son and says  "Son, I hear you had sex with your English  teacher". "That's  right, dad".
                   "Well, you became a man today -  this is cause for  celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and  then I'll buy that new bike  you've been asking for".
                   "That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football  instead? My ass is killing me".

[Baldesto]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered  in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
              --
              Got this text from my brother recently. It read.  "Can I  stay at your house for a while? The old lady kicked me out after  she  caught me measuring my dick. By the way, it just reaches to the back of  her  sister's throat".
              --
              Shagged my best mate's wife last night and today I feel  like shit. She must have had the flu or something.
              --
              An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting   surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the   operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to  his  son. "Yes dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son. Do your best   and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,  your mother  is going to come and live with you and your wife"...
              --
              An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled   the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest  mountain.  It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

[Baldesto]

An American woman, a British woman, and an Italian woman  were having lunch.
             The American woman said "I told my  husband that I  wasn't going to clean the house anymore. If he wanted it  clean, he would have  to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't  see anything. The second day I  didn't see anything. Then, on the third  day, voila! My husband had cleaned the  whole house!"
             The British woman agreed. "I told my  husband that I  wasn't going to do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it  done he would have to  do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see  anything. The second day, I  didn't see anything. Then, on the third  day, voila! My husband had done both  his and my laundry!"
             The Italian woman chimed in "I told my  husband that  I wasn't going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking  he would have to  either go by his mother or cook for himself. After the  first day, I didn't see  anything. The second day, I didn't see  anything. Then, on the third day, I  began to see a little out of my  left eye".

[Baldesto]

A fat, ugly, cross eyed ginger bird came dancing up next  to me at a  party. "So, where are you from, handsome?" she smiled. I  said "Earth,  what about you?"
              --
              I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were   called "Bomb Jovi". They were brilliant. Their last song "Living  on a  Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down. Then this Muslim bloke   started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was  interested so  I asked him "Can you burn me a copy?" Well that was when  the trouble  started...
              --
              Woman goes to the doctors and says "I'm getting too  much  discharge". Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the  bed".  He puts on his latex gloves and inserts 3 fingers into her vagina. "How  does that feel?" he asks.  "Fantastic!" she replies "But the discharge  is in my ear!"
              --
              Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her   to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.
              --
              When I was in the pub I heard a couple of guys saying   that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a  woman.  What a pair of sexists. I mean it's not as if she'd have to  reverse the bloody  thing!

[Baldesto]

"As good as this bar is" said the Scotsman  "I  still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called   McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you  buy four  drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink".
             "Well Angus" said the Englishman "At my   local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third  drink after you  buy the first two". "Ahhh, dat's nothin'" said the  Irishman  "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set  foot in the  place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks  you like. Then,  when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you  upstairs and see dat you gets  laid, all on the house!"
             The Englishman and Scotsman were  suspicious of these  claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but  they asked "Did this  actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally,  no" admitted  the Irishman "but it did happen to me sister quite a few  times".

[Baldesto]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in  a  mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially  by two  shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back  together again.
             The boy asked "What is this Father?"  The father  responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my  life, I don't  know what it is".
             While the boy and his father were  watching with  amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to  the moving walls and  pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady  rolled between them into a small  room. The walls closed and the boy and  his father watched the small numbers  above the walls light up  sequentially.
             They continued to watch until it  reached the last number  and then the numbers began to light in the  reverse order. Finally the walls  opened up again and a gorgeous  24-year-old blond stepped out.
             The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said  quietly to his son... "Go get your mother".

[henno]

My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship.

Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!

[Baldesto]

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. "Be Jeysus!" he said "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
--
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection. "Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave". "Yes sir!" the Sgt Major replied. A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. "Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave" the Colonel barked. A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?" "Yes sir!" the Sgt. Major replies. "Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks. The Sgt. Major salutes and says "Sir. It's you he's fond of..."
--
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as "English Weather". Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as "Muslim Weather". Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.
--
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk "D-D-Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models". The old woman then asks: "Doooo yyouuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?" The clerk responds "Yes we do". "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn iittt offfff?"