joke thread

[Baldesto]

A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop. The Kiwi whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.The Kiwi says to the Australian "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!" The Australian says to the Kiwi "Watch this, an Australian is always cleverer than a Kiwi".He says to the baker "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie which the Australian promptly eats.Then he says to the baker "Give me another cookie for my magic trick". The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.Then he says again "Okay one more cookie, mate!" The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Australian eats that one too.Now the baker is really mad, and he yells "And where is your famous magic trick?" The Australian says "Look in the Kiwi's pocket!"

[Baldesto]

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says "Go ahead!"

[Baldesto]

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball into the woods. When he went to retrieve it, he found that it had hit a small man in green tights.


"I'm so sorry!" the man said. "Don't worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I'm a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishes".


"Oh, no, I don't want the wishes. Just as long as you're okay". The leprechaun thought the man was so nice he decided to grant three wishes for him. He gave him unlimited money, terrific health, and a great sex life. The man came back to the golf course the next year and recognised that same leprechaun.


"How're you doing?" asked the leprechaun. "Oh, terrific. Every time I stick my hand in my pocket a $100 note comes out and I've eaten nothing but Snickers bars for a year and I'm at my ideal weight and can run a mile faster than anyone!"


"How's your sex life?" asked the leprechaun. "Fantastic! I'm up to twice a week now!" "Twice a week? Why so little? I gave you a great sex life wish!" "Hey, it's not bad for a priest!

[Baldesto]

--

[Kayne]

Here is a joke that you guys can text to your boss Monday morning

"Whats the difference between your wife and this morning"

--

"I'm not coming in this morning"

[Baldesto]

Accordion to a recent scientific survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.
--
A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled "If you're about to kill yourself, how about a root before you go?" The woman screamed... "No! Fuck off you filthy old bastard". The tramp turned to leave and said "No problems, I'll just go wait at the bottom then".
--
Why were the first two guys in Superman so excited about seeing a bird or plane?
--
A Rolls Royce pulls up in to an expensive restaurant. A sheik emerges, followed by a harem of women and a rooster. After ordering for himself and his harem, the sheik requests a basket of apples for the rooster. The rooster proceeds to eats three baskets of apples. The waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster. The sheik explains "A genie granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beautiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock".
--
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life AND I'm marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me!" The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honour asks "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life".

[Baldesto]

GOOD TIPPERS


-A generous couple made single mum and waitress Kristen Ruggiero's day when they left her a 1,000% tip - $458 for a $42 meal!


-Another waitress was given an even more amazing tip: $12,000 left in a pizza box! With five kids, that money would have really helped... but when she reported the money to the police (just in case it was a mistake), they decided to hold on to the money because it smelled like drugs.


-An anonymous couple, regulars at a Houston restaurant, left a waiter a $5,000 tip after his car was destroyed in a storm. The waiter wants to treat it as a loan, but either way it's awfully sweet.


-A Rhode Island waitress and single mum of three who has worked in the same restaurant for the last 15 years. One day last year, a couple came in and ordered a pizza, a salad and couple of beers only to settle their $42 bill by leaving $500 on the table.


-A waiter at a Houston Italian café had regularly waited on one particular couple for eight years when they handed him fifty $100 bills. The man told him to "Go buy yourself a car". The instructions weren't just random - the couple knew he'd recently lost his car when it was flooded in a recent thunderstorm.


-Johnny Depp is a tipping god. Whilst working on a film he visited a nearby steakhouse many times and on one evening, he and his group rolled in at 11:30pm and stayed for three hours while they ordered bottle after bottle of $500 wines. When they left, Depp left the serve a $4000 tip for his efforts.


-This story was the basis of the movie It Could Happen to You. In 1984, a detective was a regular at local pizzeria for eight years. The waitress waited tables there six nights a week for 24 years, he and the waitress got to know each other pretty well. One day when Robert was settling his tab, he asked the waitress if she'd be interested in splitting a lottery ticket with him instead of receiving a tip. She agreed and helped him choose the numbers. Robert called her a few days later to let her know he just won $6 million dollars and that half of that was hers.


-History repeated in 1995 when an auto parts worker in Toronto left a lottery ticket as a tip for his favourite waitress. He asked her to let him know if she won anything and she agreed to share any prizes from the ticket. A few days later, the ticket ended up being worth $184,700, meaning both parties got a cool $92,350.


-If you're a celeb and you're going to become a regular at a place, be like Dan Akyrod. According to one waitress, when the star visits her Syracuse restaurant he regularly leaves either $100 or 50 percent of tab, whichever is larger.


-While running for office, Barack Obama left a 900 percent tip while grabbing a beer at bar in North Carolina. He paid for a $2 beer with a twenty and told the bartender to keep what was left over.


-One waiter reports that not only is Bill Murray a big tipper - reportedly throwing down a 120 percent tip on top of a $60 check - but he's also helpful. He showed the waiter how to make lemon wedges juicier by rolling the lemon on the cutting board prior to slicing it.


-When Charlie Sheen's daughter Cassandra had her Sweet Sixteen, Sheen decided to show off his generous side by slipping event staff a cool $200 each.


-David Beckham stopped at a bar with some LA Galaxy teammates where the gang had a few beers and snacks. After racking up a $100 tab, Beckham simply added a zero to the total bill, tipping the waitress an extra $900.


-A regular café customer saw her waitress having trouble with patrons at a nearby table and decided to help pay for the service-related headache. She left a $446 tip on her bill of $5.97. That's a very sweet 7,471%.

[Baldesto]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home. So, he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.


He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc but to no avail.


The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"


So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.


One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.


Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.


The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line "How much for a ride to the airport" he asked? "Fifteen bucks" came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "WHAT?! Get the hell out of my cab".


The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.


When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "Fifteen bucks". The businessman said "Okay" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[Baldesto]

A teacher to a class of 8 year olds is trying to get their imaginations going one day so she says to them "Okay class, now if you could cover your body in anything in the world what would it be and why?"


So a lad puts his hand up and goes "Silver, Miss because then I could scrape it all off and buy myself a Volkswagen Golf just like my mum's got".


Another lad puts his hand up and says "Gold, Miss, because then I could scrape it all off and buy myself a BMW just like my uncle's".


The teacher is looking very impressed by these ideas when little Johnny (well it had to be really) puts his hand up and shouts "Pubic hair, teacher".


"Why on earth would you want to do that Johnny?" enquires the teacher. Johnny replies "Well, my big sister's only got a tiny amount on her body and you should see all the fucking cars outside our house!"

[Baldesto]

ORDER IN THE COURT


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.


ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30pm
ATTORNEY: And Mr Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Baldesto]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day.


The first kid leans over and asks "What are you in here for?" The second kid says "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid".


The first kid says "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze".


The second kid then asks "What are you here for?" The first kid says "Circumcision".


"Whoa!" the second kid replies "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year".

[Baldesto]

The testicles of a Newfoundland midget hurt and ached almost all the time so off he went to the Doctor.


The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. He stood the midget up onto the examining table and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.


"Aha!" mumbled the doctor. He then put his finger under the right testicle and asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor again as he reached for his surgical scissors.


Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.


The midget was so scared he was afraid to look but couldn't believe that the snipping didn't hurt!


The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see how his testicles felt now. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his 'boys' were no longer aching.


The doctor asked "How does that feel now?" The midget said "Perfect Doc. I didn't even feel it. What did you do? The doctor said: "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots".

[Baldesto]

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.


He said "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said 'Here, try these on'. She did and said 'These are too big. I can't wear them'. I replied 'Exactly... I wear the pants in this family and I always will". Ever since that night, we have never had any problems!"


"Hmmm" said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.


The big day comes and goes and before you know it, Mike is on his honeymoon. Mike took off his pants and said to Karen "Here, try these on!" She tries them on and says "These are too large. They don't fit me". Mike said "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that".


Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said "Here, you try on mine!" Mike did and said "I can't get into your panties". Karen said "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will".

[Baldesto]

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station. The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come ovCharlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station. The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her."I couldn't do that" he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar" she whispered back "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now". "I can't believe that" Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and do you, he'll wake up, won't he?" "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his butt and see if that wakes him".Charlie did just that and he was amazed when the husband remained asleep.So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and screwed her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's arse hairs.The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you screwing my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my butt for a scoreboard!"er to her."I couldn't do that" he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar" she whispered back "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now". "I can't believe that" Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and do you, he'll wake up, won't he?" "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his butt and see if that wakes him".Charlie did just that and he was amazed when the husband remained asleep.So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and screwed her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's arse hairs.The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you screwing my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my butt for a scoreboard!"

[SteddieEddie]

I see they have blocked all porn in the UK, what is England coming to?

[henno]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he
writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he
receives a parcel with a note:
 
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes
a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
 
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald
head you will really look the part.
 
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint..
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
 
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it
harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

[Kayne]

Something to bump up the mood.

Stevie Wonder is performing in china, when half way through he spots a little asian man jumping up and down shouting "Play a Jazz chord! Play A Jazz Chord!"

Excited that there is a fellow jazz enthusiast in the crowd, Stevie Wonder plays a smooth progression in the key of C.

By the time he finishes, the crowd is going absolutely crazy in their seats. But the little asian man is still shouting "No!! Play a Jazz chord! Play a Jazz Chord!".

A little ticked off, but not to appear incompetent, Stevie Wonder plays something he'd been working on personally, and hadn't shown anyone until this very moment.

He again finishes and the crowd is batshit insane, but the little asian man still shouting "Why aren't you playing a jazz chord!".

So Stevie Wonder shouts into the microphone "Alright - Dickhead - If you think you really know jazz better than me, why don't you get up and show us how its done, if i'm apparently not good enough!".

So the little asian man walks up onto the stage, takes a breath, and sings " A Jazz Chord...To say... I rove you..."

Spoiler :

If you didn't get it

[Lias]

Santa Claus: one paedophiles excuse for having a little girl on his lap that got way out of hand.

[Baldesto]

The wife was counting all the 5c and 10c out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change".
--
Mary, a shy virgin was discussing her worries about her up-coming marriage to Paddy, with the parish priest. "He dropped his trousers last night Father, he has a thing between his legs that I never saw the likes of before". "Sure that's only his penis Mary". "But father there's a purple knob on it". "That's just the head of the penis Mary". "Yeah, but then Father, about 16 inches back from the purple knob there's two big round things. What are they Father?" "Well for your sake Mary, I hope they're the cheeks of his arse".
--
Question: What's the Northern Territory's indigenous population's most feared insect? Answer: The FlagonDry.
--
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket". The man then said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on". The wife apologised and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied "Your horse phoned"...

[Baldesto]

Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle Slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?" Mickey replied "I think she got fired, too".

[Baldesto]

A young man walking along the Pier notices an old man with his shoes off, trouser legs rolled up, legs dangling in the sea and fishing with an imaginary rod. Puzzled the young man asks "What are you doing?" The old man replies "Fishing for cunts". "Sounds good. Can I join you?" replied the young man. "Of course you can, pull up a pew, son". The young man sits down and casts an imaginary rod out, and then says "So, how many cunts have you caught today?" The old man replies "You're the third this morning".
--
An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered "Have you ever been married?" "Yes, sir" said the witness in a low voice. "Once". "Whom did you marry?" "Well, a woman". The lawyer said angrily "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?" The witness said meekly "My sister did".
--
You know you're an ugly cunt when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
--
An explorer in the Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed". A ray of light fell from the sky, and a voice boomed out "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash the head of the chief standing in front of you". So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces. The voice boomed out again "Okay, now you're screwed".

[Baldesto]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.

[Tiwaking!]

Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw tells a joke
Her genes are poor!

[Bounty Hunter]

Creating rectangle objects in C++ would be a lot funnier if we used E as a prefix instead of T :/

[Pigdog]

Knock Knock