joke thread

[Scorched_onion]

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."[/B]

A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Guy says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Guy says, "What's the difference?" Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!" Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration." Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the guy and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

HAHAHA AT THE TOP ONE

[woofnstuff]

dont get it

its possably his wife and his mistress too, the youth today, they .. well.. fuck know what they get

[woofnstuff]

WHAT THE JOB AD SAYS and WHAT IT REALLY MEANS...
-------------------

Advancement opportunity
 -Lousy job

Entry Level
 -Really a lousy job

No experience necessary
 -The mother of all lousy jobs

Administrative assistant
 -Lousy job with a title

Ground floor opportunity
 -Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy  within a year

Progressive company
 - Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

Team player
 -Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities

Upbeat personalities
 -Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential
 -There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Public Relations Receptionist - Professional appearance important
 -$20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner
 -Be the voice of 1-900-suck

Earn up to $300 per hour
 -Be 1-900-suck

Salary range $24K to $32K
 -The salary is $24K

Jeans job!
 -Minimum wage temporary job in concentration camp office

Will train
 -Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem

BA required, MA preferred
 -Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary

Civil service
 -This job was filled from the inside six months ago

Women/minorities encouraged
 -White males need not waste a stamp

Outstanding benefits package
 -Health insurance

Tons of variety
-We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job

Top notch communication skills
 -Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive locale
-Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet

Secretary
 -Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker

Executive secretary
 -The most powerful position in any company

Dedicated
-You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement

Salary commensurate
 -We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like

Salary negotiable
 -We'll take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary
 -We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job-period!

Competitive starting salary
 -Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere
 -A staff of pod people

Professional atmosphere
 -Zombie pod people

Fun, creative atmosphere
 -Pod people from hell

Dynamic atmosphere
 -Zombie pod people from hell

Gal Friday
 -Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it

Self starter
-Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means


Ekk that was long

[henno]

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

[woofnstuff]

CAPRICORN
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

AQUARIUS
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk .

PISCES
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses.

ARIES
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice . You are a prick.

TAURUS
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.

GEMINI
You are quick and intelligent, and a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However you are also a cheap bastard. Gemini's are liars, notoriously lousy lovers and thrive on incest.

CANCER
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.

LEO
You-consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.

VIRGO
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murderers.

SAGITTARIUS
You are optimistic and overly enthusiastic You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you lot because you are always getting fucked.

[Who_ate_my_rice]

The media asked david bain what he would have as a first meal when he got out on bail and he said...

"I could murder a KFC family pack"

[Fragin]

I'll tell you this story as long as you don't neg me. Promise?? OK.


Down on the reef all the female seaweed were swaying back and forth with the swell.

Some of the seaweed were old and as the swell went in and out their tatty fronds would wave one way then wave the other.

One of the old seaweed started putting sea anenomes on her fronds to make her look nicer.

Soon all the old seaweed followed, they all got sea ananomes and put them on their fronds and with their new artificial look thought they were quite beautiful.

Then they saw a nice young seaweed with beautifull fronds swaying back and forth, she looked so lovely.

One of the older seaweeds said, "Why don't you stick some sea anenomes on your fronds like we have?"

"Well," replied the young seaweed, "with fronds like mine, who needs anenomes."

[Aezra]

you guys rock

[Tiwaking!]

"Well," replied the young seaweed, "with fronds like mine, who needs anenomes."

That is one of the best jokes yet

[TuataraDude]

A woman is not feeling well so she goes to the doctors. He examines her and orders a battery of tests as he is stumped.

Next day she goes back for the test results with her husband there for support.

"Well. I'm afraid it's bad news. We are still awaiting one more result back and that isn't due for another 2 weeks, but it is either AIDS or Alzheimers".

The woman and her husband leave, feeling quite distraught and anxious about what it will end up being. The doctor calls the husband back into his office.

"Look, there is one way you can find out rather than wait for the results to come in." he says.
"Really?" replies the husband "How?"
"Drive her way out into the forrest and leave her there. If she makes it back home, don't fuck her".

[Simon_NZ]

0_o

LOL~!

[Baldesto]

John and his date were parked on a secluded dirt road and started to make out hot and heavy. The chick stopped and said, "I really should have told you this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." John pulled a twenty out of his billfold and proceeded to have his way with her. After a cigarette, John just sat in the driver's seat starring out the window. The chick asked him, "Why aren't we going anywhere?" John replied, Well, I really should have told you THIS earlier." "I am actually a taxi cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

[Baldesto]

The guys were all at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."

[Baldesto]

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

So off the lady goes to get some "Nair". At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[Baldesto]

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?" "Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin." "Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc. "Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

[Baldesto]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to perform fellatio!" "You're joking!" the woman exclaimed. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more oral sex for her! So she bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making tremendous banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're outta here.

[Simon_NZ]

Adam and eve were in the garden of eden. They decide to have a quick shag. After they finish eve jumps into the river to wash herself off. Just then God says down to her "Eve don't do that! I'll never get the smell off the fish!!"



Potentially & Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homosexual .



This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst
not really paying attention.

Anyway the fella who was driving got out... And he was a dwarf!!!!

He said "I'm not happy"........

I said "Well which one are you then?"

[Baldesto]

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my University football team 15 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.

She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my work-out today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank 5 cups of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!

My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.


THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work-out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.

[Baldesto]

Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with, "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!"

In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor. "What you need," he said, "is a female parrot, too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives."

Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Suddenly, she heard the parrot screech, and she knew that things hadn't changed.

"Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said. The owl said, "Whoo? Whoo?" And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed bitch!"

[Baldesto]

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction centre, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction centre began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.

Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."

"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?"

[Baldesto]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and Screaming. One, over in the corner is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gay's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

[Baldesto]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over, I need help urgently! I bought a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't even start it. Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde replies, "According to the picture on the box, it's a big chicken." Her boyfriend hurries over to find the puzzle spread over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box. Turning to his girlfriend he says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a chicken"

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then..." he sighs, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box..."

[Baldesto]

"A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks."

"He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says.. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires."

"He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

"Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like maybe a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

"He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[Tiwaking!]

Why doesnt Michael Barrymore use ash trays?

Because he just throws his fags in the pool

[Baldesto]

It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?" asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man.


To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!" says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.

After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!" exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.