joke thread

[Black Heart]

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for
the first time.
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout  y'all  but I'm gunna wear me sum
hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.

 'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.

 The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare
 laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

 The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant
 orange panties.' Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

 The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I
 be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
 
The third old lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any
 panties.....'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

 The third lady says 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I
 ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey
 always look fo da black box first.

[Scorched_onion]

whats better then 10 dead babies nailed to a tree??......1 dead baby nailed to 10 trees...





whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a corvette??........

i dont have a corvette in my garage

[Rambler]

whats better then 10 dead babies nailed to a tree??......1 dead baby nailed to 10 trees...





whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a corvette??........

i dont have a corvette in my garage

love the dead baby ones, keep'em coming

[Survival]

whats better then 10 dead babies nailed to a tree??......1 dead baby nailed to 10 trees...





whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a corvette??........

i dont have a corvette in my garage

+1 from me LOL

[Scorched_onion]

+1 from me LOL

thnks

[Scorched_onion]

theres another one and its like....


how do you get 10 dead babies into a trash can?

blender

how do you get them out?

tortia chips




....
bleh, something like that

[Baldesto]

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK". Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks   "Dad, what's Love, Juice?". Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked,  proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all. Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?". Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."

[Baldesto]

A man shouted to his wife, "Come here and look at my clock!" She walks in and finds him naked with a hard-on.  She says, "That's not a clock!" He says, "It will be when you put 2 hands and a face on it!"

[Who_ate_my_rice]

ok got this in an email this morning

The major storm that hit the North Shore this week left residents reeling in its wake.  Strong winds cut power to a number of areas, leaving householders baffled.  One man was seen carrying his plasma screen up the street looking for somewhere to plug it in.
Others suffered horrific losses.  "I've driven from Milford to Rothesey Bay and I can't find a soy latte anywhere," sobbed a distraught woman.

Phone lines to landscape gardeners were clogged by anxious callers needing immediate assistance.  "My Pacific fusion courtyard has been filled with my neighbour's California succulents - what should I do?"  Property owners are being advised to stay calm and read landscaping magazines until help arrives.

The storm damage has left some residents philosophical.  'It was about time I changed my garden art," said one Devonport man.  'With my insurance payout I'll be able to get the very latest in limestone geometric figures while my neighbours are still stuck with their out-dated stainless steel sculptures.  It's an ill wind, eh?"

Many drivers are finding their 4 wheel drive vehicles invaluable in the trying conditions.  One man admitted he had driven right over workers clearing fallen trees from the road and had hardly felt a thing.

Rescue organisations have been quick to respond to the disaster.  A Starbucks tanker is calling on housebound residents, and catering companies are rushing spit-roasting equipment to the area to provide hot venison paninis for those in need.  Mobile cell-phone charging trucks will be on hand over the next few days until full power is restored.

Those outside Auckland who wish to help are encouraged to send gift vouchers for Hermes or Louis Vuitton, to speed the healing process through retail therapy.  Or you can phone 0900 3RDWORLD to make a tax-deductible $500 donation.  Please - these people need help.  Really.

[Baldesto]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point precisely".

[Who_ate_my_rice]

CAR NAMES EXPLAINED

AUDI:  
 Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
 Another Uninformed Driver Insulted
 All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW:  
 Big Money Works
 Bought My Wife  
 Brutal Money Waster
 Bimbette Motor Weapon
 Break My Window
 Big Man Wannabe
 Big Money Wasted
 Broken Money Waster

BUICK:  
 Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
 Big Ugly Import Car Killer

CADILLAC:
 Crazy And Demented Idiots Like Large American Cars  

CHEVROLET:  
 Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
 Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
 Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
 Car Has Earnhardt Victorious Racing Or Lapping Every Track
 Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time

CHRYSLER:
 Can't Have Refund, You're Stuck Leasing Edsel's Replacement
 
DODGE:  
 Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
 Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater

FIAT:  
 Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
 Fix It All the Time
 Fix it again, Tony!
 Fix it again tomorrow  
 Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

FORD:  
 Frigin Old Rebuilt Dodge
 First On Recall Day
 First On Rust and Deterioration
 Fix Or Repair Daily
 Found On Road, Dead
 Fault Of Research and Development
 Fast Only Rolling Downhill
 Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
 Found On Russian Dump
 Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's
 Ford backwards:  Drivers returning on foot.
 Forward Only, Reverse Defective
 Fast On Repair Demands

GEO:  
 Good Engineering Overlooked

GM:  
 General Maintenance
 Great Mistake
 Garage Me

GMC:  
 Garage Man's Companion
 Got A Mechanic Coming?
 Generally Mediocre Cars
 Got More Crap

HONDA:  
 Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI:  
 Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

JEEP:  
 Junk Engineered, Executed Poorly

KIA:
 Kick It Again
 Kick Inventors Ass
 Korean Intelligence Absent

LINCOLN:
 Lousy Implementation, Not Cars Of Luxurious Nature

MAZDA:  
 Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
 Made After Zero Design Analysis

MERCEDES:
 Many Expensive Repairs Can Eventually Discourage Extra Sales

MERCURY:
 Many Endless Rattles Create Uncomfortable Road Yacht.

MOPAR:
 Most Often Passed At Races
 Mostly Old Parts And Rust
 Mostly Old Paint And Rust
                 
OLDSMOBILE:  
 Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly
                Late Everywhere
 Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular
                Leftover Equipment
 Old Ladies Drive Slow-Mostly Over Bridges Into Lake Erie

PLYMOUTH:  
 Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, All Underestimating This Heap

PONTIAC:  
 Poor Old Nick Thinks It's A Cadillac

PORSCHE:  
 Proof Only Rich Suckers Can Have Everything

SAAB:  
 Send Another Automobile Back
 Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
 Sad Attempt At Beauty

SATURN:
 Sad Attempt To Unload Recycled Nissans

STEALTH:
 Speed Trap Equipment Aims Low, Targets Hood

SUBARU:  
 Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

TOYOTA:  
 Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
 Too Often Yuppies Overaccessorize This Auto

TRIUMPH:  
 The Risk In Useless Machinery Pays Heavily

VOLVO:  
 Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW:  
 Virtually Worthless

[drunk.kiwi]

How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
 
What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art.

[Poos]

Whats the dif between a truck load of babies and a truck load of sand. You cant empty out the sand with a pitch fork

Whats brown and crispy, spins in circles and taps on the window?

A baby in a microwave


What sits in a corner getting smaller and reder?

A baby combing his hair with a potatoe pealer


Why couldnt the baby fit through the big door?

He had a javlin thru his head:P



How do you know when its micheal Jacksons bed time?

When the big hand reaches the small hand


How do you make 5 pounds of fat look attractive ?

Put a nipple on it


Why do the Irish bury the dead with there bums sticking up ?

Use them for bike stands

[Baldesto]

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

[Spork]

^^ lol!

Baby jokes can also be used against emos.

How many emos does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them.

Two emos jump off a bridge, who wins? Society.

[Simon_NZ]

Wiremu, a New Zealander,  was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a  doctor.
      "Hey doc, I dun't feel so  good, ey" said Wiremu.
      The doctor  gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he  had long existing and advanced prostate  problems and that the only cure was  testicular removal.
      "No way doc"  replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
      The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same  diagnosis and also advised him that  testicular removal was the only cure.
      Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
      Wiremu was devastated, but with the  Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one  last opinion from someone he could  trust.
      The Kiwi doctor  examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey"
      "What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a  different  answer.
      "Wull,  Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off  your balls."
      "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,  "those Aussie bastards wanted  to take my  test tickets off me!"

[Baldesto]

A young man graduated from University of Tasmania with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper which hired him was to write a human interest story.

Being from Tassie, he went back to the bush to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

He asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all rooted it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?" After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search party that time and found her. After we all rooted her, we took her back home too."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly and said, "I got lost once..."

[Baldesto]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard" He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."

[Baldesto]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there is more blood curdling screams.

Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to Hell." You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomised." Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."

[Possessed]

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, HuntingAndFishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks ...Troubled User
-------
REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 installed and work on improving the configuration. I suggest installing the background application YesDear 99.0 to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to do this before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as CleanAndSweep 3.0, CookIt 1.5 and DoBills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0, but beware because sometimes these applications can be expensive.

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

WARNING!!! Attempting to install NewGirlFriend 8.8 along with Wife 1.0 will crash the system.

(see Wife 1.0 manual, Apologize, High Maintenance & Secretary with Short Skirt)

[Baldesto]

Two cattle drovers standing in an outback Aussie bar. One asked, "What ya up to, Mate?" "Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah... what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

[Baldesto]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN - DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

[Baldesto]

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie. "Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?" "Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him. "Fucken great country this!" said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"

[Baldesto]

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

[Baldesto]

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blond walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities."

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"