joke thread

[Baldesto]

Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach. Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods."

The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk."

The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you, Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"

After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?" The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."

[Who_ate_my_rice]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger — he’d been a rugby player in his younger days. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear-end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[woofnstuff]

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . .

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it . crashed -- . and now it won't start!"

HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

[Baldesto]

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my snot???"

[Baldesto]

A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.  The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[TuataraDude]

Three explorers, John, Jack and Bob were walking in a jungle when a tribe of cannibals captures them.  They are brought to the leader of the tribe.

He tells them, "I will let you guys go if you can go get ten pieces of the same fruit from the jungle, and come back."

The first guy, John comes back, holding 10 oranges. The leader of the tribe tells him to shove them all up his ass without making a sound before he is to be set free.  

He starts to shove one of the oranges up, but halfway through, he shrieks in pain and is killed by the tribe.  

Jack comes back about 5 minutes later, holding 10 grapes.  The leader tells him to do the same thing as John.

He gets started, and shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 grapes up, and without warning, he bursts into laughter.  He is also killed.

In heaven, Jack and John meet.  John says, "Dude! you were so close to getting 10, there were only 2 more! Why did you start laughing?"

"Well, just as I bent over, I saw Bob coming back with 10 pineapples!"

[Baldesto]

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late I had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present." "Not to worry," said the dad "the important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mum still look great. Dad I just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present, Sorry." It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

After they all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college.  All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married." The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"

[Baldesto]

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock." the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For, fucks sake, you fucking cunt, it's twenty to two in the fucking morning!!

[henno]

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"

"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

"I'm Jim."

"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"

"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.

"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.

"Is it your brother?"

"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"

Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.

"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"

"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.

Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

[Aezra]

A man in a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says, “I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

“Sorry. I didn’t realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much,” the passenger says.

“It’s not your fault,” replies the cabbie. “Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse.”

[henno]

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

[TuataraDude]

Little Mary wasnt the best student at sunday school, she usually fell asleep...

One day, as Mary was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question, "Who created the heavens and the earth?"

Johnny, a little boy sitty behind her, pulled out a pin and jabbed her up the rear, "GOD ALMIGHTY" said Mary, 'Well Done", said the teacher, and Mary fell back to sleep...

Then the teacher asked her a second question, "Who died on the cross to save all of our sins?", Little Johnny, Jabbed her in the ass again, "JESUS CHRIST", yelped Mary, "Well done" said the teacher, and Mary fell back to sleep...

Then the teacher asked a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after they had thier 23rd child?" once again, Johnny shoved the pin into her butt, but this time, Mary got up and screamed, "IF YOU STICK THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF"

the teacher fainted...

[Baldesto]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[Baldesto]

A manager at had of hire someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning. "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmmm... let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of". The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Rudy, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Rudy replied, "After hearing the previous three Answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA!". "WHAT?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure", said Rudy. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants."

Rudy got the job.

[Baldesto]

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that was available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

[Baldesto]

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true Father?" "Yes, it is, Sister." "Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"

[Who_ate_my_rice]

A Doctor wanted to go hunting, he calls his secretary HASSOUN and tells him Ya Hassoun, I am going hunting tomorrow, we don't want to close the Clinic, I ask you to take care of our patients. Yes, sir...... answers Hassoun.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: So Hassoun, how was your day?. Hassoun tells him he took care of 3 patients.

The first one had a headache and I gave him TYLENOL. Bravo ya Hassoun, and the second one?

The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir. Bravo ya Hassoun ''you're good at this''and the third one?

Sir, I was sitting, suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a "flame" and undresses herself, taking off her bra, "NICE BIG ONES SIR" and then take off her panties "Oh MY GOSH"..... Then she jump and sleeps on the table and shouts: "HELP ME since 5 years I have not seen any man!"

And what did you do Hassoun?

It was easy; I put eye drops in her eyes sir!

[Aezra]

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

"Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes son, he loves all children."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?

[Who_ate_my_rice]

i apoogise about the formatting.  i copied it from an email and couldnt be arsed changing it


Women Are Evil By Nature...

                 A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
                 She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached
                 her immediately.
                 She seductively signalled that he should bring his face
                 closer to hers.
                 As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
                 "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his
                 face with both hands
                 "Actually, no," he replied.
                 "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she
                 said, running her hands
                 beyond his beard and into his hair.
                 "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there
                 anything I can do?"
                 "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she
                 continued, running her forefinger
                 across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of
                 her fingers into his mouth
                 and allowing him to suck them gently.
                 "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
                 "Tell him," she whispered,
                 "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in                the ladies room.

[Baldesto]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to his barber, who responded "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump? That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of American Airlines brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling job, and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge! " "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?," asked the barber. "What'd he say?"
 He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"

[Baldesto]

Our anniversary was last Wednesday. We have been married for 36 years.

I took a look at my wife that day and said, "Honey, 36 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year-old blonde. Now we have a $250,000 home, a $55,000 car, nice big king-size bed and a 50" plasma TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 61 year-old gray-haired woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife, being the a very reasonable woman that she is, told me to go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

[Baldesto]

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says, "Sex frogs! Only $20 each! Money back guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"





Doctor said "You've got to stop masturbating". Guy says "Why?". Doctor said "Because I'm trying to examine you".

[Xt1ncT]

Baldy those last two are gold..!!!!

[Rambler]

yea, top jokes on this page guys-mostly baldy lol

One morning the 7 dwarfs, after being well fed and watered, go off to the mines. That day the mine collapses, and Snow White is in a terrible state and searches for them. She shouts down one crevice "Is anyone there??" "Are you hurt?" But no one answers. She finds numerous other cracks and shouts, but to no avail. At her wits end and in desperation she shouts down one last crack "Dwarfs, can you hear me...please" and from the depths of the cave comes a voice "Australia will win the World Cup"
Snow white responds "Oh thank god Dopey is still alive!"

[Baldesto]

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother. "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut". Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?" Sally replied, "No... salty!"