joke thread

[Baldesto]

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, "How much?" He doesn't hear her correctly and says "Come again?" She giggles and says "No... it's just mustard this time."

[Baldesto]

Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a Full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation."

He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.

Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?"

Pat burst into tears. "I can't!" "What? Why not?" asked Dave. "Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!" "What?!"

Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me." "You bastard!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"

[Baldesto]

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin' over a beer. Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and... she had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!"

[420fairy]

LOL +rep...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

 The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.  The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun In My face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?

 "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today"

[Fragin]

2 whales swimming along --one male one female. The male comes up to breathe and spots a whaling ship on the horizon. He says to his mate "hey I recognise that ship , thats the one that killed my Mum and Dad".

So they swim over to take a closer look. "Yup" says the male "thats the one --bastards killed my Mum and dad they did., lets sink the ship".

She says "well how can we do that". " we will go down below it and blow very hard and somehow de-stabalise it and it might roll over and sink".

So down they go and blow as hard as they can, sure enough the ship rolls over and sinks. They come to the surface and see all the survivors swimming in the sea. "Right" he says "lets go and gobble them up"

" Oh Oh wait a minute" says the female "Im not so sure about this I mean I was ok with the blow job but Im not swallowing the seamen"

[Fragin]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish..."

[KITTY]

A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off.

Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on.

She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator -- softer and larger than a real penis.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

[nz_wing]

Your momma is so fat she changed the phrase "one size fits all to one size fits most"

[private_hell]

Your momma is so fat she changed the phrase "one size fits all to one size fits most"

this thread is for real jokes - not yo momma crap

[KITTY]

The chief of a tribe of Red Indians had successfully repelled the American troops and the tribe is going to have a huge feast to celebrate.  As part of the celebrations, the chief has decided to confer onto his three sons, new names which reflect their abilities that will cement their role in the tribe.  So around the fire, the chief begins the ceremony, but the youngest of his three sons is very restless and interrupts by yelling out ‘come on dad, what’s name cool new name?’ and generally being a nuisance.  The chief ignores this son and continues:

‘For my eldest son, I wish to give you the name Fearsome Bear, do the tribe elders agree?’  The tribe elders nod their heads in agreement.
‘Who cares what his name is dad, WHAT’S MINE??’ interrupts the youngest son.  He is ignored by all.
Fearless Bear says ‘thank you father, but why do you give me this name?’
The chief says ‘because in battle you are formidable like a bear, enemies avoid you because of your strength.
‘Thank you father’, says Fearsome Bear
‘Come on get on to me already dad’ continue the youngest son.  Again he is ignored.
‘For my second son, I wish to give you the name Merciless Eagle, do the tribe elders agree?’  Again, the tribe elders nod their heads in agreement.

‘Aww man why am I always the last one?’ complains the youngest son very loudly.
Merciless Eagle says ‘thank you father but why do you give me this name?’
‘Lame name’ interrupts the youngest son; evil eyes glare at him
The chief says ‘because in battle you have a keen eye like an eagle and are swift to kill, without hesitation’
‘Thank you father’, says Merciless Eagle

‘Finally my turn, give it to me old man’ says the youngest son
‘Yes,’ says the chief, ‘and for my youngest son, I give you the name Thrush’
And before the chief can ask the elders if they agree, they furiously nod their heads to approve.  The youngest son is confused and asks ‘father, why have you given me a name of such a small and harmless bird when my brothers have such manly names?’
The chief replies, ‘it has nothing to do with the bird, it’s because you are an irritating cunt’

[Anaraith]

The above reminded me of this:

3 explorers named Tony, Marty and Peter get lost on a topical island and are captured by some island natives. When the natives are about to be executed for stepping on sacred land, Tony pleads if they could have a final request. The chief decides that this is a reasonable request and asks the explorers what they want. Peter quickly blurts out they would do anything to be set free. The chief thinks long and hard until he comes up with "You shall be set free, if you can each retrieve 10 fruits from this island and follow my orders for what you are to do with them." The 3 explorers quickly run off with the guards keeping an eye on them.

Tony is the first to come back and brings back 10 oranges. The chief then tells Tony that if he can shove all 10 oranges up his ass without making a single noise he shall be set free. He gets to it getting the first 3 in easily. But when it comes to the 4th one he lets out a yelp and has failed what he needed to do. He sits in wait for his death as Marty comes back with 10 grapes. The chief tells Marty the same thing as Tony and bends down putting the grapes up his ass. Fast and quickly he gets to the 9th grape when he lets out a burst of laughter. Marty had failed and goes to sit by Tony. When he gets to Tony, Tony asks "Why did you start laughing mate? You were so close!". Marty replies with "I saw Peter coming back. He has 10 pineapples"

[KITTY]

A man walks into a bar followed by an ostrich and a cat.

At the bar, the man says ’I’ll have a beer’
The ostrich says ‘I’ll have a glass of wine’
The cat says ‘I’ll have a glass of water – BUT I’M NOT FUCKING PAYING FOR IT’
‘Alright,’ says the bartender; he dispenses the beverages and says ‘that’ll be $14.80 please’.  The man puts in hand in his pocket and without looking at what he takes out he puts the money on the counter; exactly $14.80.

The same thing happens next week and the week after and the week after that, the man says hell have a beer; the ostrich a glass, of wine; the cat  a glass of water but the cat’s not going to pay of it.  And each time the man puts his hand into his pocket and brings out the exact amount $14.80.

Then, the man walks into the bar followed by the ostrich and the cat, this time he asks for a vodka and Red Bull, the ostrich asks for a bellini and the cat as usual asks for the usually glass of water, and as usual adds ‘I’M NOT FUCKING PAYING FOR IT’.  This time the bill adds up to $23.30.  So the man puts his hand into his pocket and without looking at how much he has taken out, he puts the money on the counter and would you know it, it was exactly $23.30.

The bartender then says ‘I’ve been meaning to ask you, how is it that you have the exact change for every order of drinks that you make?  You made a change to your usual today and yet you still got the right amount out of your pocket; is it some recognition-by-feel thing?’
The man replies ‘Well I found a magic lamp and I gave it a rub and a genie came out and gave me three wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever needed money, all I needed to do was put my hands in my pockets and the right amount will always come out; neverending supply of cash’.
The bartender says ‘that’s a fantastic wish, most people would just wish for several million dollars but your wish is so mush more practical, and you don’t have to worry about flaunting your wealth.  You’re a smart man.  So what were your other wishes?’
The man replies ‘a chick with long legs and a tight pussy’.

[Baldesto]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Baldesto]

Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates St. Peter opens them and says "Oh it's you Luciano - come on in!". Pavarotti says "Hold on, I've got an envelope for you from the Pope." St. Peter opens it up and reads it "HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU".

[Baldesto]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Oriole tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said... "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[Baldesto]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... dad... I became a prostitute." "YE WHAT!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad - as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership in the country club... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says the dad interupting. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

[Baldesto]

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."

[henno]

What did the bow-legged doe say?

Thats the last time I will do that for ten bucks.

[Survival]

First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding an elephant.
Fill the hole with ashes.
Line the hole with peas.
And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

[Scorched_onion]

There were 2 mates in a bar, one of the them said to the other "if i fuck your wife will that make us cock brothers?" the other says "nah mate that will make us even"

[M@lice]

I went to a Muslim Birthday party last night, Pin the tail on the donkey was a bit slow but pass the parcel was fucking frantic.

[Who_ate_my_rice]

I went to a Muslim Birthday party last night, Pin the tail on the donkey was a bit slow but pass the parcel was fucking frantic.

BAHAHAH thats a good one.


ok i got one in an email thsi morning.  bit random but dont get offended XD

A Somalian arrives in Manukau City as a new immigrant to New Zealand ..

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,

"Thank you Mr.New Zealand man for letting me in this country!"  
 But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in New Zealand !" The person says "I no Kiwi. I flom Hong Kong "

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says

"Thank you for the wonderful Kiwiland!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran , I am not Kiwi!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,

"Are you a New Zealand citizen?"

She says, "No, I from Tonga !"

So he is puzzled, and asks her,

"Where are all the New Zealanders?" The Tongan lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...


"Probably at work."

[private_hell]

A man was lying on a blanket at the beach.

he had no arms or legs.

three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

the first women said " have you ever had a hug"

the man said "no", so she gave him a hug and walked on.

the second women said " have you ever had a kiss.

the man said "no", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

the third women walked over to him, knelt down and whipsered in his ear,

"have you ever been f****d?"

the fellow looked up in amazement and said "no"



the women smiled and said......"you will be when the tide comes in."

[Fragin]

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?”


:bigglasse :bigglasse :bigglasse :bigglasse :bigglasse :bigglasse

[KiLL3r]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would (do it) with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to do it with ya."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have do it with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have do it with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks him to (give it up the butt), so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having doing it with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"