joke thread

[drunk.kiwi]

Michael Jackson and Debbie were in the maternity ward just after Debbie gave birth to their first child.

Michael asked her “How long do you think it will be before we can have sex?”

Debbie replied, “Jeez Michael, give it a chance to walk first!”

(Ok, that was low. Please Lord forgive me for that.)

[drunk.kiwi]

Doctor Woofnstuff had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

“Woofnstuff, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go, Woofnstuff.”

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

“Woofnstuff… Woofnstuff… Woofnstuff, you sick bastard. You’re a vet.”





Woof, I love you really.
Dont ban me for this :sunnies:

[private_hell]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major.
 
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man."
 
The Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."  

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
 
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
 
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
 
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
 
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
 
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
 
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!  I mean no sex since 1955!"  

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"  

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now"

[Munc_her]

All blacks to win 2007 World Cup

[DDM]

Haha Munc, that one gets +rep from me.

[Baldesto]

A very frustrated husband was down in the dumps about a health issue and had enough of it so he decided he was going to visit a doctor about it. So the next day he went to his doctor."Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." "Mr. Thomas," said the doctor, "bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The following day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the doc said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[Baldesto]

A Welsh farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out of a pond. The Welsh farmer shouted: "Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi cachu un a for. which means: "Don't drink the water the cows have s in it'. The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English." The Welsh farmer says: "Use two hands, it holds more!!"

[Baldesto]

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready..." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than..." "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "Look, I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a chequebook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two heavy suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."

[henno]

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation


Things That Are VERY Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

British Constitution
Loquacious Transubstantiate
Passive-aggressive disorder
Specificity


Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE To Say When You're Drunk

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more alcohol for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
You're right, I can't jump over that table!

[Fragin]

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the possum and hedgehog that it could be done.

[Fragin]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her
dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his
head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed
he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After
taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this
offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her
husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at
her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2p.m. sharp
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.


As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house,
asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did
he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out
and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he
did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. He came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

[Prime-522]

hahahaa well done

[Spork]

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.. Awesome.

[henno]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy and tell him it'll be a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "Shit. All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

Harry says, "A handjob."

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says, "Okay."

She gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE PENIS.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"

[MrBurNZ]

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, 'Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, 'Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, 'If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
'Father,' replied the son, 'I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, 'If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
'Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. 'A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
'A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
'I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, 'but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
'Dear son,' said the father, 'I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. 'Please humour me, dear father.'
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
`Dearest father,' the son started, 'I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'
One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
'Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
'Father,' the son said, 'You've made me very happy yet again.'
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. 'My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. 'Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father held his son's hand tightly. 'Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'
'Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
'Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
'Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
'I..' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
'I.. I...'
Then he died.

[Fragin]

^ I read that.

I think the joke's on me u fucker. :knife:

[Baffled]

lol damn joke

[M@lice]

joke thread

joke thread

joke thread

joke thread

[henno]

Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man who had recently passed away.

One cannibal says, "Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle."

So the two cannibals start eating.

After a half an hour one stops eating, looks up, and says, "I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you doing?"

The other cannibal answers, "This is great! I'm havin' a ball!"

The other cannibal says, "Hey, no fair! You're eating too fast!"

[Baldesto]

A cop in Paris last night pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser".

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The cop said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample" The man produced another letter. This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then". The man produces a third letter from his pocket. It read: "This man plays rugby for New Zealand, please don't take the piss out of him".

[Baldesto]

A bloke enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

So the guy places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[Baldesto]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off from their jobs in a clothing factory, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher - I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter." Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker were collecting double his pay.

The Clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel fitters are skilled labour." "What skill?" yelled Paddy? "I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs, and then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter.

[Baldesto]

Two lawyers had been marooned on a desert island for almost a year after their ship had sunk during a terrible storm. One day while walking along the beach, the two lawyers find a beautiful unconscious woman washed up on the shore. The first lawyer asks the second lawyer, "Think we should fuck her?", and the second lawyer replies, "Outta what?".

[woofnstuff]

Its amazing, you will understand the word on the second line by the end of the conversation......
Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension).

"Tendjewberrymud"

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. This has been nominated for best email of 1999.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service (RS) "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G) "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"

RS "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS "Ow July den?"
G "What??"

RS "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G "Crisp will be fine."

RS "Hokay. An San tos?"
G "What?"

RS"San tos. July San tos?"
G "I don't think so"

RS "No? Judo one toes??"
G "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes 'means."

RS "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.  Yes,an English muffin will be fine."

RS "We bother?"
G "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS "Wad?"
G "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS "Copy?"
G "Sorry?"

RS "Copy...tea...mill?"
G "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and  copy....rye??"
G "Whatever you say"

RS "Tendjewberrymud"
G "You're welcome"

[Pams_CoCopops]

Sick offenciv jokes dont read them dont blame me i didnt make them up. uv been wanrned

Q: Whats 3ft tal that cant fit threw a door?
A: A baby with a javlin in its head.

Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feat 1st?
A: to see the expression on its face when you turn it on?

Q: Whats Black and blue and hates sex?
A: the 12yo in my Bacement

Q: What better than 2 21yo's?
A: 21 2yo's

Q: Whats sicker than a pile of dead baby's?
A: A live one eating its way out

Q: Whats better than 5 babys in a bucket?
A: 1 baby in 5 buckets