joke thread

[Raptor]

Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

[Baldesto]

A man shouts to his wife, "come and look at my clock!" She walks in and he's stood stark naked with a hard on - "That's not a clock!" she exclaims. "It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!".

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football.."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,

And accidentally POOPS in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[Who_ate_my_rice]

A Redneck walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar.  
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the gator will close his
Mouth for one minute.  

"Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer   bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of    the head.

The gator opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
"I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
With the beer bottle!"

[Spork]

What did the Ox say to her child when she sent him to school?

"Bison."

what did the eskimo say when it turned out he'd been right all along?

INUIT!!

A mushroom walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind."

The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi."

You can tune a piano but you cant tuna fish

a piece of string walks in to a bar and asks for a pint, the barman says are you a piece of string?, the string says, im a frayed knot.

A man walks into a bar with a salamander on his shoulder. The bartender says "That's a nice lookin' lizard you got there, what's its name?"

The guy replies, "Tiny."

"Tiny?" asks the bartender. "Why would you name him that?"

"Because he's my newt."

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

He's all right now.

[cnvrt02]

What did the Ox say to her child when she sent him to school?

"Bison."

what did the eskimo say when it turned out he'd been right all along?

INUIT!!

A mushroom walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind."

The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi."

You can tune a piano but you cant tuna fish

a piece of string walks in to a bar and asks for a pint, the barman says are you a piece of string?, the string says, im a frayed knot.

A man walks into a bar with a salamander on his shoulder. The bartender says "That's a nice lookin' lizard you got there, what's its name?"

The guy replies, "Tiny."

"Tiny?" asks the bartender. "Why would you name him that?"

"Because he's my newt."

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

He's all right now.

Dry, but somehow still funny

[Baldesto]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!" The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"
--
No matter which girls he brought home, the young man found disapproval from his mother. A friend gave him advice. "Find a girl just like your mother - then, she's bound to like her!" So the young man searched and searched, and finally found the girl. He told his friendly adviser: "Just like you said, I found a girl who looked, talked, dressed, and even cooked like my mother; and just as you said, my mother liked her". "So," asked the friend, "what happened?" "Nothing," said the young man. "My dad hates her."

[Baldesto]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

[Baldesto]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."

[Baldesto]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.


Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.


'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'


Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, 'Herman, remember that  b l o w  j o b  I promised you?


Here it comes!'

[Who_ate_my_rice]

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died  She married  again and had  7 more children. Again, her husband died. But,  she  remarried and this time  had 5 more children.  

She finally died  after  having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the   preacher prayed for her. He  thanked the Lord for this very loving  woman and  said, "Lord, they're finally  together."
One  mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, " Do you  think  he  means her first, second or third husband? "
The friend  replied, " I  think he means her legs."

[henno]

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"

[Who_ate_my_rice]

The 60's  


It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
 'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'
 'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
 'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
 'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'
 'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
 'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.
 'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
 'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
 'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
 'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
 A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
 Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
 
'Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The Twist, Dammit! It's called the Twist! '

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy          

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

[Who_ate_my_rice]

FIVE DIFFERENT TYPES OF GIRLS...

1. WIFEY
2. Boo
3. Bitch
4. Hoe
5. Gingerbread girl

1) WIFEY's IRREPLACEABLE... and is the ONLY ONE that is irreplaceable... She is the girl that the guy loves and will always love, and he never wants to see her with another man... But ... He MIGHT cheat on her with 'Boo', 'Bitch' or 'Hoe' until he is mature enough to realize that if he loses WIFEY' he would be screwed, and NEVER be happy again...

2) 'Boo' IS replaceable, she thinks she's WIFEY'but will NEVER be WIFEY' because WIFEY' was made irreplaceable.. She can NEVER replace her... 'Boo' tries to take WIFEY' spot, and once she attempts this, the guy allows her to get a TASTE of WIFEY' spot... but she will NEVER achieve her spot for any longer than a few weeks, then the man goes back to WIFEY'... And 'Boo' either gets replaced with another 'Boo', OR, the man matures and decides that WIFEY' is the one for him... (Ladies... you don't want to be 'Boo')

3) 'Bitch'... A female that a male uses only for sex or any other nasty sexually related events... The 'Bitch' is only called when WIFEY' is acting up OR if he needs to bust a quick nut. The 'Bitch' is always the first one running there...

4) 'Hoe'... Enough said! Always trying to move up in life, Wants to be a 'Bitch' or a 'Boo'. Hoes are the girls you bag for no reason and have them in your phone. Backups incase a 'Bitch' or a 'Boo' slips up. Then you replace them with a 'Hoe'...

5) 'Gingerbread girl'... Catch me if you can, this one never gives her heart up. She may like a bit of fun now and then, but will never be truly yours. Bit like winning the lotto if you can even get her to consider making a life with you.'Gingerbread girl' treats every guy like a fox put her on your nose from drowning but if you slip up she gone drown your ass... so keep your whitts about you guys and if she's your WIFEY' and your in doubt if she gonna leave you, she probable already has either emotionally or physically...

[Who_ate_my_rice]

1. Losing all your friends
   
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
   
He shoots his friend and kills him.
   
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."
   

   
2. Brother wanted
   
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
   
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....
   

   
3. Meaning of WIFE
   
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without
Information Fighting Everytime'!"
   
Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"
   

   
4. Importance of a period
   
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
   
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got a heart attack & our driver ran away."
   

   
5. Confident vs. confidential
   
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"
   
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over
there, is also my son, that's confidential!"
   

   
6. Anger management?
   
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you
control your anger?"
   
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
   
Husband: "How does that help?"
   
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

[qwerty4me]

What is 'increment'?

The opposte of excrement.

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Do not talk to my Parrot!!!

 



Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check .'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.  But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking
dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.




The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn't
contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut the f**k up, you stupid, ugly bird!'



To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

[henno]

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

[Baldesto]

TIMES... THEY ARE A CHANGING...

SCENARIO: Jack starts a fight with John at school.

THEN: A large group of boys form around the two, they beat the shit out of each other, they shake hands and the next day they are best mates.
NOW: The police are called. They arrest John and Jack. All cellular phones with videos of the fight are confiscated as evidence. Both are charged with assault. Both are suspended, even though Jack started the fight. The parents are summoned for consultation and the other children who saw the fight get trauma counselling. The video of the fight is available on YouTube.

SCENARIO: Jack disrupts the class because he cannot sit down and shut up.

THEN: Jack gets a hiding. He can still not sit down because his arse got a spanking, but he shuts up, finishes school and becomes a successful businessman.
NOW: Jack is is tested for ADD then put on Ritalin because he is hyperactive. He becomes a zombie. Jack cannot cope and leaves school in the 8th grade.

SCENARIO: Jack throws a stone and breaks a neighbour's window.

THEN: Jack gets a spanking. He has to work in the neighbour's garden for a week and get a job to pay for the window.
NOW: Jack gets a spanking. His father is arrested for child abuse. Jack is placed in foster-care. The psychiatrist convinces Jack's sister that her father sexually abused her and their father goes to jail. Jack's parents get divorced because the psychiatrist fucks Jack's mother.

SCENARIO: Jack fails English at school.

THEN: He attends extra English classes, passes school and graduates from university.
NOW: The teacher is blamed for the failure. A local human right's group takes up his case. They determine that compulsory English at school is blatant racism. It becomes a major political issue. A case is made against the school and the Department of Education. English is removed from the curriculum. Jack's passes school very well, but mows lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

SCENARIO: Jack takes firecrackers, makes a bomb and blows up an anthill.

THEN: The ant hill is fucked. Thousands of ants are killed.
NOW: The animal protection groups are called in. Jack is arrested and charged with urban terrorism and cruelty to animals. His parents are placed under surveillance. Jack's younger brothers and sisters are taken away from home. Their computers are confiscated. Jack's father is placed on a list of terrorists. He is fired and cannot get another job. The family starves.

SCENARIO: Jack falls and scuffs his knee during break. His teacher dries his tears, cleans the knee and gives him a hug.

THEN: Jack soon feels better and by second break he is running around again.
NOW: Jack's teacher is accused of being a paedophile. She loses her job. She receives a suspended sentence. Jack receives therapy for five years and becomes a faggot.

[Baldesto]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?" Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
 
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting.... " Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

[Baldesto]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Crazy_Whitey]

Dam it this thread has had me entertained for hours, why did it have to end

[Baldesto]

it hasnt ended, tho there are some humourless bastards out there. i get neg repped for telling jokes.fuckin lol at them.