joke thread

[Aezra]

Arthur Davidson of the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle Corporation died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it quickly.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these market survey numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Iraqi rugby player

The Auckland Blues manager sends scouts out round the world looking for
a new player to hopefully win them the Super 14 again.
One scout Informs him of a talented young Iraqi winger.

The coach flies to Iraqto watch him,is suitably impressed and arranges
for him to come over to play for the Blues.

Two weeks later, The Blues are 30-0 down at home to the Crusaders with
only 20 minutes left.
The coach gives the young Iraqi winger the nod to go on.

The lad is a sensation, scores 6 tries in 20 minutes and wins the Game
for the Blues.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are ecstatic, and the
media love the new star.

When he comes off the field he phones his Mum to tell her about his
first day playing rugby for the Blues.
"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I Played for 20 minutes today, we were
30-0 down, but I scored 6 tries and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".

"Great," says his Mum, "now let me tell you about my day".
"Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were attacked and
beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, all while you
were having a great time.

The young lad is very upset. What can I say Mum, I'm so sorry.

"Sorry?!" says his Mum "Its your fault that we moved to Manurewa in the first place!"

[Aezra]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.

[liquidpain]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them
and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that
the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here.
" The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that
the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ...
that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Q. Two South Auckland guys jump off a cliff.  Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a South Auckland girl use as protection during sex?
A. A Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a South Auckland Boy in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the South Auckland guy cross the road?
A. To start a fight, with a complete stranger, for no reason whatsoever.

Q. What do you call a South Auckland girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you are driving and you see a Bloke from South Auckland on a bike,
why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a South Auckland quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two South Auckland Blokes in a car without any music - who is
driving?
A. The police!

Q. What do you say to a South Auckland person with a job?
A. A Big Mac please.

Q. What's the difference between a South Auckland boy and a South
Auckland girl?

A. A South Auckland girl has a higher sperm count

[Pyromanik]

Q. What's the difference between a South Auckland boy and a South
Auckland girl?

A. A South Auckland girl has a higher sperm count

LMFAO

What does a young South Auckland Girl say after sex?

AWWW get ooff me uncle, yer squashin me smokes!

[MemNocH]

LMFAO

What does a young South Auckland Girl say after sex?

AWWW get ooff me uncle, yer squashin me smokes!

Now that was sad.. sorry dude.. but it was..

[Pyromanik]

yes. it was.
post a joke or GTFO.



What's the difference between a gold fish and a mountain goat?

One mucks around the fountain.

[Steady]

Now that was sad.. sorry dude.. but it was..

Fail at joke thread.^^

There are three Australians sitting at the bar, having a few drinks when one of them spots a kiwi wearing an all blacks jersey.
"Watch this boys I'll show you how to wind up kiwis", one of them says.
So he goes over and says to the kiwi and says "I heard Dan Carter was gay, mate. He takes it up the arse."
"Oh, I didn't know that", the kiwi says, "But I suppose it's a free world"

So the Aussie goes back to his mates and says "For fucks sake he didnt even bite!"
"I'll show you how to do it, mate" says the second one.
So he goes up to the kiwi and says "Did you know Dan Carter wears womens dresses?"
The kiwi says "Nah I didn't know that, fair enough I suppose. If thats what hes into."

So the Aussie goes back to his mates fuming, "I got nothing mate!"
The third Aussie gets up and says "Listen to this fellas, I'll show you how to do it."
So he goes up to the kiwi and says "I heard Dan Carter was Australian."
And the kiwi says, "Yeah, your mates have been telling me."

[Chilli]

Monday morning and a blonde goes into work. A co-worker notices that she is wearing a TGIF t-shirt and asks her why she has that on when it’s Monday. The blonde asks What do you mean? The co-worker says Well, TGIF stands for Thank God it’s Friday, but today is Monday. The blonde says Oh, I didnt know that it had a religious meaning, I just thought that it meant Tits Go in Front

[darkwalker79]

mark and gary are having gay sex, on the gravey stroke mark says"i have aids"   "WHAT!!"  replies gary.  No i dont really says mark, i just like the way yr bum tightens when i say that.

[Scunner]

One I heard the other day that I liked ...

A chicken was walking down the street when he came across a duck, which looked like it was about to cross the road.

So the chicken rushed up to the duck and says "Don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it."

[drunk.kiwi]

The Auckland Blues manager sends scouts out round the world looking for a
 new player to hopefully win them the Super 14 again. One scout informs him
 of a talented young Iraqi winger. The coach flies to Iraq to watch him, is
 suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to play for the Blues.


 Two weeks later, The Blues are 30-0 down at home to the Crusaders with only
 20 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi winger the nod to go on.

 The lad is a sensation, scores 6 tries in 20 minutes and wins the game for
 the Blues. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are ecstatic, and
 the media love the new star.

 When he comes off the field he phones his Mum to tell her about his first
 day playing rugby for the Blues. 'Hi Mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played
 for 20 minutes today, we were 30-0 down, but I scored 6 tries and we won.
 Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me'.

 'Great,' says his Mum, 'now let me tell you about my day'. 'Your father got
 shot in the street, your sister and I were attacked and beaten, and your
 brother has joined a gang of looters, all while you were having a great time.

 The young lad is very upset. What can I say Mum, I'm so sorry.  

'Sorry?!' says his Mum.  'It’s your fault that we moved to Manurewa in the first place!'

[Baltimore]

buggered if I'm going through 20 pages to find out.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done.. there were three finalists...

Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will  follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
Wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened  slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks', she said. 'I had to beat him to death with  the chair.'

[drunk.kiwi]

What does Aids stand for?

    *ass infected death sentence




How did Aids get into the country?

   *It bummed a ride.



What is the first sign of aids?

  *A pounding sensation in your ass.

[Possessed]

How do you surprise your blind flatmate?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

[Ngati_Grim]

yes. it was.
post a joke or GTFO.



What's the difference between a gold fish and a mountain goat?

One mucks around the fountain.

^nice.

How about the guy who was taking his gf for a paddle. Their chaperone said: "No kissing in the punt, please:.

What the difference between the Australian Women's Track and Field team and a all-female trapeze group?
One is full of cunning stunts.


It's all just a lack of pies, anyway.

Or that great book by Charles Dickens: "A Sale of Two Titties"

"Sir, you definitely are a shining wit"

"Have you seen her sick duck?"

"He's a smart fella"

"You Cute Brunt"

[drunk.kiwi]

Ha ha... I got neg rep for my aids jokes.

I am sorry if i offended you and your fight with aids.
It was meant as a joke. ( a bit like you really):bounce:

[Chilli]

TEXAS SEX

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other  cowboy.
"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount
Her from  behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts
In  your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.

[Baltimore]

New Government Seal:

Official Announcement: From Helen Clarke

The New Zealand government today announced that it is changing the coat of arms to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!


Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

[Chilli]

LOL +1 back at ya. :lolol:

[henno]

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
   (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
   (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
   (c) After wrecking your boss' car.
   (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
   (e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

14: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

15: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

16: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    (a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    (b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    (c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

18: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

19: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

20: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

21: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

22: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

23: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

24: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

[Chilli]

Tommy Cooper Jokes

          Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

         The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

   --------------------------------------------------------------------

     Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

            Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

   --------------------------------------------------------------------

        'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

                  'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

                              'Is it common?'

                            'It's not unusual.'

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

                  A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

       'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

             'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

   So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

          Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

                     'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

                      'No, because he's really heavy'

   --------------------------------------------------------------------

             'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

                'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

    ------------------------------------------------------------------

              Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

   ---------------------------------------------------------------------
                         So I went to the dentist.

                            He said 'Say Aaah.'

                               I said 'Why?'

                         He said 'My dog's died.'
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
                         'Who's speaking please?'

                        And a voice said 'You are.'
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

                   So I rang up my local swimming baths.
                I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

              He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------
   So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
                                  house.'

                      He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
              people in my family, so it must be one of them.

                       It's either my mum or my dad.
                        Or my older brother Colin.
                     Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

                          But I think it's Colin.

   ---------------------------------------------------------------------

 So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
                       said 'You've been promoted.'

                              And I swerved.

 And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

                           And I swerved again.

       He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

                          And I went into a tree.

                     And a policeman came up and said

                          'What happened to you?'
                   And I said 'I careered off the road.'

   ---------------------------------------------------------------------

          Now, most dentists' chairs Go up and down, don't they?
                 The one I was in went back and forwards.

                       I thought 'This is unusual'.
 And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

   --------------------------------------------------------------------
   So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
                                me a lift?'

    I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------

            Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

                      'Does this taste funny to you?'


:disappoin

[maorifulla]

All blacks to win 2007 World Cup

LOL +1 from me as well

[Chilli]

All blacks to win 2007 World Cup

Thats was funny, it choked me up..