joke thread

[Who_ate_my_rice]

ok before you kill me lol, an asian guy gave this to me

Ed Zachary Syndrome

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had never had a date or even experienced sex. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

She went to see him.  On entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.  The woman did as she was told.  

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad.  You haf Ed Zachary Syndrome. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'   Worried, the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God doctor, what is Ed Zachary Syndrome?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Syndrome is when your face look Ed Zachary rike your ass.'

[liquidpain]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[liquidpain]

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1.

After connecting to Internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.
2.

We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.
3.

There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.
4.

We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.
5.

One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
6.

There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??
7.

Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.
8.

Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money.
9.

My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?

Best regards,
Banta Singh

[liquidpain]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 100 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'

[liquidpain]

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home his wife was naked in bed ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. When he felt the urge he fired the pistol. The next day he went to the doctor and the doctor asked him how it went, He said, "Not to good. My wife bit off three inches of my *ick, shit in my face and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands up, naked."

[liquidpain]

The Pregnant Lady

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE
PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed
the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately
moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a
grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had
to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when
the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The
Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she
moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment
will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she
placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly
contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the
fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear
Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost
it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[liquidpain]

What, you ask, is 'butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!

These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!

JACK (age 3)
Was watching his Mom breastfeeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'


MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN
(age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that When you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN ( age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It
Makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed When I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read:
'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was
With her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.
Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday Sermon: 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...'
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

[liquidpain]

i work part time at a kebab shop. very fun people to work with.

Anyway, yesterday one of the guys there played the lotto last night and he was going on about if he won he would do this and that and etc, about 5 minutes went on and he went to the bathroom leaving his jacket on the counter while he did his thing.
While he was there a mate took the lotto out of his pocket copied one of his lines with the power ball and put it back into his pocket. We all agreed to keep a straight face. We all went home that night.

Today he rings us at work to get him the lotto numbers for him as he does not have the internet, i pretend to jump online to give him the number, so i read on and he takes it down and hangs up, im trying to keep a straight voice.

We all wait anxiously for him to ring back up. 5 minutes goes past the phone rings, he was screaming into the phone "im a fuckin millionaire like 5 times, so dont expect me at work today" i acted all happy for him trying not to laugh so hard. Everyone who was in on it just cracked up for 5 minutes.

Then he goes on to ring his parents and girlfriend about his succes. About half hour later of his life as a millionaire, he goes to the lotto shop to claim his millions he comes to the realization that he just got punk'd.

comes into the shop 2 hours later -angriest i have ever seen him- we are all just cracking up at him hysterically. after about 5 minutes of ranting to us he settles down.

fuck i could just imagine him rocking up to the lotto shop all happy and shit fuck if i could only get the security footage.

fucking awesome prank imo

[konvik]

Just a couple i havent seen here... lol

What do you call postman pat without a job?
PAT

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
UNIQUE UP ON HIM

So now you know how to catch a unique rabbit, i bet you're all wondering how the hell are you going to catch a tame rabbit?
THE TAME WAY!! UNIQUE UP ON HIM!!

[Xt1ncT]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Optimus]

What's the difference between a sandwich and a baby?

Spoiler :

You don't fuck a sandwich before you eat it.

[MemNocH]

What's the difference between a sandwich and a baby?

Spoiler :

You don't fuck a sandwich before you eat it.

Come on.. this is a joke thread where you tell jokes.. not where you become one..

[SteddieEddie]

After Saturdays loss to the Aussies. The All Blacks have called in a specialist kicking coach................  















Tony Veitch

[Optimus]

What's the difference between flowers and aids?

Spoiler :

I didn't give your mother flowers

[liquidpain]

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.

Address it and say, "I'm a Sperm." She will answer, I'm the Egg." From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"

The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel.

A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm.

He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach
the red, sticky ball.

When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."

The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

[liquidpain]

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.



Mick says "how you doin?"



Paddy says " do us a favour, nip upstairs and get my slippers, my feet are freezing."



Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's two gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters

sitting on the bed .



He says "your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you " .



They say "get away with ya.. prove it."


Mick shouts downstairs "Paddy, both of em?"



Paddy shouts back "of course both of em, what's the point of f***ing one?"

[liquidpain]

"A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his
girlfriend back home. It read as follows: Dear Ricky, I can no longer
continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I
must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone,
and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture
of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky..............

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or
ex-girlfriends.In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other
pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57
photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you
are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to
me. "

[Linx]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To this day, I still don't know.

[liquidpain]

“I would like to die in my sleep like my father did, not in screaming terror, like his passengers.”

If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money or airplane tickets.

“Gravity always wins!”

You know you´re flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it is from behind!

747 on final approach at 1000′ off the deck. First Officer asks Captain “Are you happy with the position of the landing gear, sir?” Captain reaches down, lowers the gear and lands safely.

Lost Cessna Pilot: “Big airport with a little Cessna 150 overhead, please identify yourself!”

A Landing is just controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

“I hate to wake up and find my co-pilot asleep”

[Aezra]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Chilli]

3 Old Guys

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00 . I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30 ."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30 . So what's so bad about being 80?"

 

 

"I don't wake up until 7:00 !!! "

[Mr_St1nky]

~TWENTY DOLLARS~

 

On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

 

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.

 

Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

 

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

 

She explained that for the more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments.

 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my Business!'

 

That's when she shot him.

 

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when To keep their mouths shut.

[Mr_St1nky]

Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.

An Australian, an Irishman and a South Aucklander are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Lion Red.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the South Aucklander who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

'What's wrong?' says Jesus.

The South Aucklander shouts, 'F**  k off, I'm on a disability benefit!'

[Chilli]

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks ( shit ).


* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.


* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a pub crawl at 3:00am .


* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a pub crawl, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.


* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.


* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO ARSE.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

:knife:

[Who_ate_my_rice]

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it. He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don' t have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my
children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend, I know you were not involved...."