joke thread

[ThaFleastyler]

Why do elephants have 4 feet?
Cause for elephants, 6 inches just ain't enough.

[UppityDuck]

Why do elephants have big ears?

Spoiler :

Because Noddy won't pay the ransom

[[britishsteel]]

bit risky.

What happens when a Jew walks into a wall with an erection?

He breaks his nose.

i better get ready for abusehttp://forums.iconzarena.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Dear Bo$$


In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding the need$of u$.We are worker$who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company ..
I am $ure you will gue$$what I meant and re$pond $oon.

Your$$incerely,



The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:


Dear,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days, NOthing much has changed. You must haveNOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticably well . NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean .


---- Your Boss.

[TuataraDude]

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.

The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamebob.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising' and sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.

[Fornicatin’Mule]

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that
I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet,
the  Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax
forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's licence, on the last eight
passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to
fill out before being allowed  off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those
insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also, would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name
is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely f*cking astounded if
that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

SH*T!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really p*ssed off this morning. Between
you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullsh*t! You send the application
to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking address!! What the hell is
going on with your mob?  Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal
a*seholes workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I
can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New
Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi
girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether
I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?  If I ever got the urge to
do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell
not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city,
and get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, and to part with
another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to
assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that'd
be too f*cking easy and makes far too much sense.  You would much prefer
to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f*cking heads
cut off, and then having to find some high society w*nker to confirm that
it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the
photo.. the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ...you f*cking morons

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

PS Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in
high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this
country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms
with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!) I have also
served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to
Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a
personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter
Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to
verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND
RAISED IN F*CKING   PAKISTAN !!!......a country where they either
assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the
Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.'

You are all F*cking idiots!!

[nzallmenace]

The teacher was talking to her class about death and heaven when she receives a difficult question.

"How do you actually get to heaven?" asks little Alice
"Well, how do you think you get there?" asks the teacher.

"Well, I think that as you die, God takes you by the hands and gently pulls you up to heaven." replies Alice.

"Awww....that sounds lovely" replies the teacher.

"That sounds a load of rubbish!" interupts little Johnny rudely. "AND I KNOW!"

The teacher is obviously wary of any kid called little Johnny and so asks if anyone else has ideas.

Another chlid suggest God walks ahead and leads you to heaven. Again this suggestion is met with Johnny's rude dismissal and insistence that he knows exactly how you get to heaven.

Finally the teacher says. "OK, I know I will regret this, but go on then Johnny. How do we get to heaven?"

"God grabs you by the ankles and hauls you up there!" says Johnny.

"Ridiculous!" says the teacher.
"He does so....I've seen it!" replies Johnny.

The teacher looks at him quizzicaly.

"Just yesterday I walked into Mum and Dads bedroom. She was lying on the bed with her legs stuck straight up in the air. She kinda shouted 'OH GOD I'M COMING!!!' Its a good thing my Dad had got her well pinned down or we'd have lost her for sure!"


A primary school teacher is talking with her class about the words ‘definitely’ and ‘probably’ and how they are used in day to day life. She asks the class for examples of the word ‘definitely’. Suzie puts her hand up.
“Yes Suzie?” asks the teacher.
“Well I’m definitely going to see my friend after school tonight,” claims Suzie with a pleased look on her face.
“What happens if your friend gets hit by a car and killed on the way home from school?” asks the teacher. “It was a good try, but it’s still only an example of probably. Does anybody else think they have an example?”
Young David is next to raise his hand. “Miss, I’m definitely having chips from the chip shop tonight. My Dad said so.”
“That’s a good try David,” replies the teacher, “but what if the chip shop is blown up in a terrorist attack? It’s still only an example of probably I’m afraid.”
The next person to raise their hand, albeit a little more cautiously than the others, is Little Johnny.
“Um, miss?” He asks hesitantly.
“Yes Johnny, do you have a question?”
“Miss, are farts lumpy?” asks Little Johnny.
“The teacher looks confused, so asks “No, not in my experience. Why do you ask?”
A look of triumph spreads over Little Johnny’s previously worried face.
“Well miss, if farts aren’t lumpy then I’ve definitely shit myself!”




The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude, but eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Buggered if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shit himself."

[nzallmenace]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

1-------- I do physical labor.

2.------- I work at great depths.

3.------- I plunge head first into everything I do.

4.------- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

5.--------I work in a damp environment.

6. -------I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.

7.------- I work in high temperatures.

8. -------My work exposes me to diseases.

Reply: Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. ------You do not work 8 hours straight.

2. ------You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work
period.

3. ------You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

4. ------You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen
visiting other locations.

5. ------You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.

6. ------You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

7. ------You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.

8. ------You will retire LONG before you are 65.

9. ------You are unable to work double shifts.

10. ------You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.

11. ------And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking
bags.

Sincerely, The Management



Five reasons not to be a penis:

1. ------You're bald your whole life.

2. ------You have a hole in your head.

3. ------Your neighbors are nuts.

4. ------The guy behind you is an ass hole and...

5. ------Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

[nzallmenace]

a woman pregnant with triplets is walkin down the street when a bank robber appears out of nowhere and knocks her over. he shoots her in the stomach 3 times and does a runner. when the lady comes around in hospital the doctor says that they couldnt remove the bullets as it might kill the babies, but they would be alrite for the rest of their lives.

18 years later, one of the girls comes downstairs cryin hysterically. her mother asks her what is the matter and shes says 'when i was havin a piss i heard a noise and i saw a bullet in the toilet'. her mum sits her down and tells her wat happened before she was born

the next week, the second girl comes down in hysterics, and her mum asks her what is wrong. ' i was on the toilet and a bullet drop out whilst i was havin a piss'. again, the mum explains what had happened.

a couple of weeks later, the lad runs down cryin his eyes out. before he can say anythin his mum says 'let me guess, u were havin a piss and u pissed out a buller'.

'no' the lad replies, 'i was tossin off and when i came i shot the dog

[nzallmenace]

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

[TheGimp505]

The message you have entered is too short. Please lengthen your message to at least 1 characters.

[Chilli]

joke thread

Judge to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped?'




Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'

[nzr_hotsexgary]

So a there's three guys at the gates to heaven waiting to get in when they finally open at 9 o'clock (because St Peter needs to rest too).

St Peter walks out, grabs a microphone, and announces "The rules have changed slightly as of today: You are only allowed to come in if you had a REALLY bad day the day you died."

So the first guy in the queue walks up and is asked "So what was your day like?" to which he replied,

"Well I finished my shift at 6am and was just opening the door to my apartment when I heard some muffled noises coming from inside. I didn't think much of it, so I opened the door, went up to my room, only to find my wife completely naked and looking rather short of breath. I knew something wasn't quite right and yelled 'Where is he!' as I checked around the bedroom and in the wardrobe. Then I heard a noise from outside, so I walked out onto the balcony and saw a man hanging naked by his fingertips. I was beyond pissed off by this stage and so I jumped on his fingers until he let go and fell all 7 storeys to the ground. I could see him twitching still, so I grabbed the biggest thing I could find - the refrigerator - and lugged it over to the balcony, throwing it off and killing the man. After all the commotion was over I was so angry that I had a heart attack and dropped dead right there."

St Peter looks thoughtful for a bit, then says "Well, I suppose your wife was cheating on you, and even though you killed a man you technically had a bad day, so you're in. Welcome to heaven."

The first man goes through, and the second man steps up. St Peter says "So how was your day?" The man replies,

"So I got up at 5.45 to do my morning exercises, and as I live on the 8th floor of a high rise building the only space I really have is on my balcony, which nobody can really see at that point in the morning so I often exercise naked. I did a bit of yoga, some star jumps, a couple of sets of pressups and sit ups, then as I was stretching the railing gave way and I fell off the side. Luckily I managed to catch the balcony of the floor below, and was just about to pull myself up when some crazy man ran out of the apartment and started jumping on my fingers! Naturally I fell to the ground, and I'm lying there with a broken back when I look back up to see this refrigerator fall from the sky and land on my head, and now I'm here."

St Peter is giggling a little by this stage, but manages to regain his composure and announces "Well, you hadn't done anything wrong, were trying to keep healthy, and just had a really shitty day. Welcome to heaven."

So the second guy walks into heaven and the third man walks up to St Peter, who asks him "So how was your day?"

The man replies: "Picture this - I'm naked in a refrigerator..."

[Deviant]

womens rights

[Mithster18]

womens rights

Win:rnr:

[ThaFleastyler]

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[nzallmenace]

One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb. They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb." The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd. She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?" The blonde responded: "November?" "Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?" The blonde responded: "Paris?" So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?" The blonde replied: "Two?" “Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license. The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer." The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then. So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

[nzallmenace]

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

… the teacher fainted!

[Scorched_onion]

LMAO ^^^^ those jokes are hilarious nzallmenace!

[EnjoyTheSauce]

I just had to share the joy of this joke.



Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.

'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'

The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'

'It's not so bad' replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never!' replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed!’

[TuataraDude]

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 10 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'

[Pyromanik]

One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb. They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb." The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd. She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?" The blonde responded: "November?" "Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?" The blonde responded: "Paris?" So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?" The blonde replied: "Two?" “Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.

Heh, reminds me of one I once heard.
Bear with me a bit, I'm going to type this from memory...




A blonde was having a particularly bad Friday at work. After her day had finished, and the after work drinks (complete with blonde jokes) were finished she decided to get proactive. She was not a stupid woman, and she would prove it. The very next day she went down the street to a salon and had her hair dyed a natural looking brown that perfectly suited her complexion as to look as natural as possible. She then enrolled herself in who wants to be a millioniare, which was filmed in the city not far from her town.

She was accepted.

She proceeded to do exactly as planned with her proof. Once everyone started taking her seriously because of her hair colour she found a new job with higher pay and more responsibility, she found that men were more interested in her personality than her looks, and met general success every which way she set her sights.

The day of her who wants to be a millionaire appearance came around, and after gaining the hot seat proceeded to make her way up to half a million dollars. Unfortunately she was stuck on the last question, however she had still done far better than most other contestants. She did the smart thing and took the money.
She had just won $500,000. She was overjoyed. It was time to go back to her normal hair colour at work and show them all the truth behind blondes. On her drive home she also began to ponder how best to rub her success in the faces of her old workmates who used to make those silly blonde jokes all the time.

As she was driving back from the city to her town, she came across a farmer herding sheep across the road. With all the success she had recently had she decided to have some carefree fun with her new riches. She called the farmer over.

"I've just won half a million dollars on 'Who wants to be a millionaire?'" she exclaimed.
"Wow, that's great." replied the farmer in a rather puzzled fashion.
"I'd like to make a bet with you" stated the blonde come brunette...
"If I can correctly guess the number of sheep you have in your herd within a margin of error of 25, I can have one of the cute little lambs. However, If I should get it wrong, I'll give you $100,000."
The farmer was shocked at the charitable sum presented to him, and could not refuse. How could she possibly get the number right? It was a fairly large herd. Even if she only had to be within 50 sheep of the true number...

"I think you have about 147 sheep" said the blonde after a few careful moments of consideration.
"Crikey!" said the farmer, "That's amazing. I never would have expected you to do that. You were so close, as I have 142. You've won yourself a lamb."

The blonde climbed out of the car, and whist making idle chitchat with the farmer, selected herself a particularly cute lamb, and put it in the back of her 4x4.
Just as she was about to drive off, after thanking the farmer for his honesty, he replied with:

"It's no trouble, it was honestly amazing to see someone do that that quickly, and correctly too. However I now have a wee wager to make with you..."

The blonde was intrigued... "Go on..." she said...

The farmer paused for a minute and eyed her up and down before leaning in her window and whispering in her ear... "If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

[Who_ate_my_rice]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f**king blanket.'
After a moment of silence, .....................he farted.

The End

[drunk.kiwi]

Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes
 
 Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's Suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all Varieties of alcohol containers:
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
Retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel
gode.

[DRFT10]

And then the fight started....

> My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She

> asked, 'What's on TV?'
> I said, 'Dust.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
> in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
> "No," she answered.
> I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>
> And then the fight started....
>
> ******************************************
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
> the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
> the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The
> wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
> radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
> bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
> and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
>
> My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
> is out fishing in that?"
>
> And that's how the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
> and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
> you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
> well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
>
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY
> !!!"
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
> *****************************************
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
> seconds.'
>
> I bought her a scale.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive...
> so, I took her to a gas station.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
> Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
> to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
> wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
> to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
> curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
> enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office.
>
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
> nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
> hasn't been sober since.'
>
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that long?'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
> order first.
> "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
> Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
> I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
>
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>
> And then the fight started.....