joke thread

[Rambler]

An NZ man dies, and at the gates of heaven he meets St Joseph, behind whom, is a wall full of clocks. The man asks St J. "What are all those clocks?"
"Everyone in the world has a lie clock, everytime they lie the hands move. Here is Mother Teresa's clock, it hasn't moved, showing she has never lied. This one is A.Lincolns clock, it has moved twice, showing he has lied 2 times in his entire life."
The man is amazed, and asks "Where is Helen Clark's clock"
St J. looks a bit disturbed and replies "It's in Jesus's office-he's using it as a ceiling fan"

[Optimus]

Why did the man cross the road?


Because his knob was stuck in a chicken.

[mango]

A bloke is in the Super Market queue when he notices a rather dishy blonde across from him raise her hand and smile hello.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I shagged on the pool table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

[mango]

this next joke might be a little offensive to feminists or girls with a strong sense of identity.

The Geography of a Woman
> >>------------------------
> >>Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
> >>She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with
> >>bushland around the fertile deltas.
> >>
> >>Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
> >>Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade
> >>especially with countries with cash or cars.
> >>
> >>Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot,
> >>relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
> >>
> >>Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
> >>She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a
> >>warm and desirable place to visit.
> >>
> >>Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She
> >>lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive
> >>reconstruction is now necessary.
> >>
> >>Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very
> >>wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the
> >>frigid climate keeps people away.
> >>
> >>Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
> >>With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit
> >>like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
> >>
> >>After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where
> >>it is, but no one wants to go there.
> >>
> >>The Geography of a Man
> >>------------------------
> >>Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a
> >>dick.

[mango]

A Kiwi, an Australian and an English man are walking down the beach,
(they are not gay, three men can walk down a beach if they want!) they find a lamp, give it a rub and a genie pops out! He gives them one wish each, ...

The English man wishes for his country to be self contained so they need no outside support.
The Australian gets the idea and wishes for a great wall to be put all around Australia so no-one or nothing can get in or out.

The Kiwi thinks and asks about this wall, the genie replys its 500 meters tall and 100 feet thick, nothing will get in or out for all time.

The kiwi thinks and says "...fill it with water"

[SUPA_maori_BRO]

Super Maori Bro is flying around one day looking for criminals to deal to, when he notices Supa women (aka claire from Heroes) lying on her back naked with her legs spread on top of the sky tower pleasuring herself...he stops "DAMN I gotta get me some of that prime superwomen pussy","Hey,since im Supa fast I can fly down fuck her at the speed of light, then fly off" he thinks about it for awhile and then realises its a great idea....So he quicky swoops down, fucks her supa fast and then flies off......Supa women quickly sits up  "What the hell was that?".......The Invisble Man then replies,"I don't know but my arse fucking hurts"

[Mr_St1nky]

how do you fit 300 jews and two nazi's in a mini?

the nazi's up the front and the jews in the ashtray.

[TuataraDude]

how do you fit 300 jews and two nazi's in a mini?

the nazi's up the front and the jews in the ashtray.

Not very nice.

[Possessed]

how do you fit 300 jews and two nazi's in a mini?

the nazi's up the front and the jews in the ashtray.

ahahahahahahahah loved it!!

[Pagan]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is sitting up against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.


The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time, hahaha

[Mr_St1nky]

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit,  "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says no.

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

-------------

A clown, a midget and a monkey walk into a bar. Bartender says, "what is this? a joke?"

---------------

A panda walks into a bar, asks for a Jack and............................coke. The bartender asks, "why the pause?"
The panda raises his paws and replies...."I'm a panda"

[Baldesto]

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
--
There were two men standing at the medicine isle in the supermarket the first man said "Viagra is the greatest drug in the world it has helped my love life and I feel much better about my self." The second man replied "wow it helped you that much!? Can you get it over the counter." the first man said, "if I take two."
--
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim "is I'd like to see something really cheap and nasty." The clerk handed him a mirror.

[Baldesto]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

[Baldesto]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train... cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

[Baldesto]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy - a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. "The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

[Baldesto]

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

[Baldesto]

A bloke buys a camel from some shonk on a street corner, and he proudly rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers. "Nice camel, mate," one of his drinking commented. "Is it male or female?" "Female!" the bloke beamed. "How do you know" his mate enquired." "Well," the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least twenty people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt on the camel!"
--
One day a gay man goes in for his doctor's appointment and asks the doctor, "Do you have anything to make hair grow on my chest?" The doctor immediately grabs a jar of Vaseline and says,” if you get a friend to rub this on your chest everyday, within a month or two you'll start to see some growth. The man replies,” Well if that was true, I'd have a pony tail coming out my ass!"

[Baldesto]

Dear Dr. Abby,

I need some advice. I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Wales. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her but should I tell her about my brother-in-law being Welsh?

[Baldesto]

A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before turning back to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing?" "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."

[ThaFleastyler]

Baldy, your jokes are ultimate. I'm sorry I cannot rep you for them.

[Baldesto]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. And I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

[Baldesto]

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" So I hung up...

[Baldesto]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired

[420fairy]

+ rep for that one baldesto, thats a goodie

[drunk.kiwi]

Hello, is this the police?"

  Yes it is. How can we help you?"

  "I'm calling to report my neighbour, Rangi. He's hiding
cocaine  inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

Early next morning, police officers descend on Rangi's
house in great numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the
shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece
of firewood
but they find no cocaine. They swear at Rangi and leave.

The phone rings at Rangi's house.

  "Hey, Rangi, Did the cops come?"

  "Yeah!"

  "Did they chop up your firewood?"

  "Yeah."

"Happy Birthday bro!"