joke thread

[Baldesto]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves...

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all... "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if thing don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[Baldesto]

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing," and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care. "You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine," and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement Often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman Can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead." At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. (this term is rarely used)

THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing.

[Baldesto]

Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time. Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas's mother seemed to be avoiding her after their first introduction.

"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side." "Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Switzerland? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I obtained a master's degree At Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laud?" Tamara asked.

"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied."Then where in the fuck does that snooty cunt come off with all that 'crude bullshit'?"

[Baldesto]

A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce dangling from his rectum. "That looks nasty," says the doctor. "Nasty?" the man says. "That's just the tip of the iceberg."
--
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

[Baldesto]

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare...?"

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

[Baldesto]

At five minutes and six seconds after four AM on the 8th of July of this year, the time and date will be: 04:05:06 07/08/09.
--
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
--
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
--
Jesse Jackson was in Sears. He was there to protest the fact that most of the washing machines were white. So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?" Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white. The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."

[Baldesto]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but tink, from listening to you that you're from Ireland..." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes that I am to be sure!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be"? The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "So am I, to be sure!"

"Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith and Behold, it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let me see. Errrr, I graduated in 1964 to be sure."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight, thousands of miles away from Dublin, Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight." Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian"? "The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[Chilli]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
             two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.



   
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
      expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

[henno]

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods or mp3 players. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741,

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty cents.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to vacuum the house afterwards.

[TuataraDude]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.. After two visits and exhaustive Lab   tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 52.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Sometimes,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, though!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Sometimes... my former doctor said that too much red meat is very
unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like the gym, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'Not as much I would like,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

[TuataraDude]

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill
Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not
and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically
correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality
and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

 

Rule 1:Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect
you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't
be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had
a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about
your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are
now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and
listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you
save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try
delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS
NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give
you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and
very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on
your own time..

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to
leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

[Mr_St1nky]

A farmer had a small pond on his farm beside an orchard. One day he took a large bucket and went to the orchard to pick fruit.  As he approached the pond, he heard women shouting and laughing.

Then he saw a crowd of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

When the women saw him, they all went to the deep end.  One of them called to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The man replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies skinny-dipping or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

 

Holding the bucket up he shouted, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

 

Some men certainly think fast…

[Buldric]

I brought a race horse back in December last year and decided to call it 'Myface'.

God bless him, he's won every single race he's entered to date, and there's a rumour that he may even compete in the Illustrious Melbourne cup later this year if all keeps going well.

Family and friends keep asking me whether i think he's ready for the step up, and do i think he can win?

But to each i give the same reply " Win or Lose i don't much care, just as long as there's plenty of posh ladys in the stands screaming, Come on Myface! Come on Myface"   :heheh:  (i hope it's not too offensive)

[HUGHJASS]

LOL FAgs

[HUGHJASS]

THIS MUST BE APPROPRIATE THREAD I MEAN ITS 4 FATTIES LOL

[HUGHJASS]

4 THE FAT LOVERS AMOUNG U lol

[LIKE my MEATSAC]

4 THE FAT LOVERS AMOUNG U lol

this is bobzilla wife what a stud he must be lololol

[[rEc] NONAME]

A North Shore girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man at the counter says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Three guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
2 hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Stella Artois.
Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.' "
She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "Bet you a case of Stella you are!"

[Krisby]

This thread is pure win.Its certainly making my working day much more amusing :bounce:

[DRFT10]

Lets keep trying to keep the joke threads to jokes not comments

--------------------------

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Just because I'm a blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo?

"It's been a year!" I said.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot...

[DRFT10]

A  Manurewa girl goes to Social Welfare to register for child benefit.

 "How many children?" asks the assessor.

 "Ten" replies the Rewa Hard girl,

 "Ten?" says the Welfare worker..

 "What are their names?"

 "Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"

 "Doesn't that get confusing?"

 "Naah..." says the  Rewa Hard girl, "Its great because if they are out  playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!'

 or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."

  "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Welfare worker.

 "That's easy," says the Rewa Hard girl... "I just use their surnames"

-----------------------------------
 A  North  Shore girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

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Q. Two Mangere girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?

A. Society.

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Q. What do you call a 30 year old Glenfield girl?

A. Granny.

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Q. Why did the Otara girl cross the road?

A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

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Q. What do you call a Manukau girl in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.

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Q. What's the first question during a Papakura quiz night?

A. Whats you looking at Aa?

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Q. What does a Grey Lynn girl use as protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter.

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Q. Two Mangere kids in a car without any music - who is driving?

A. The policeman.

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Q. What's the difference between a boy and an Avondale girl?

A. An Avondale girl has a higher sperm count.

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Q. What's the most confusing day in Panmure?

A. Father's day

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[SteddieEddie]

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter  Said: 'Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV..

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the heck are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my Son-in-law.'

[Forgive Me]

knock knock who there. 2 see who open attachment

[Forgive Me]

huh what the neg rep 4??? u don't like the joke??? then stay out of this thread!!!