joke thread

[Mr_St1nky]

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.

With a couple of sideways glances, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!

He stands back and tells Elton "your turn".

Elton starts crying!

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"

[DeeVeeOss]

THE MAN RULES
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
 
  FINALLY , THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)
WE ALWAYS HEAR " THE RULES"
FROM THE FEMALE SIDE....
 
  NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.    

THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1 "
ON PURPOSE!  
 
1.   MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
 
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. SUNDAY SPORTS, IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON
OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.


1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.


1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE   OTHER ONE

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT , JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS..

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE I S.

1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE..

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY .

1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL
OR HOCKEY.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE.   ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;


BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING

[Baldesto]

Doug wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office....

But she was dating someone else.

One day Doug got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Doug said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called him and explained the situation. Her boy friend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

[Baldesto]

After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Brian remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole bottle of Listerine.

As he arrived at the Dentist he also ate a whole packet of extra strong mints. His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide.

The Dentist got close and asked "So, you had a 69 before you came here eh?" Brian exasperated asked "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like fanny?" The Dentist replied "No... you have a skidmark on your forehead..."

[Baldesto]

Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store and asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?" The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you taking the piss? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the fuck is a potato clock?" And Paddy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'"

[Baldesto]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied."Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was a English Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[Baldesto]

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert - the little bastard's name is Steve." I'm going to beat the shit out of him when I get him home.

[Bobyoby]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, ‘Do you know me?’

To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???’

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’

[Bobyoby]

Summer vacation is over and school finally starts.

On the first day of class, the teacher starts to take attendance to see if everybody was there.

After she goes through the list, she notices that four students were missing. As she starts the lecture, a student walks in late to class.

"Why are you late?" the teacher asks.

"I'm sorry, I was on top of Mayberry Hill this morning." he replies.

"Very well," says the teacher, "please take a seat." Minutes later onto the discussion, another student walks in late.

"What's your excuse for being late?" the teacher asks.

"I'm sorry ma'am, I was on top of Mayberry Hill this morning." he answers.

"Very well, please take a seat." the teacher says.

As soon as the student takes his seat and the teacher goes on to discussion, another student walks in late.

Frustrated, the teacher finds out that he was also on top of Mayberry Hill that morning, which caused him to be tardy.

And again, as soon as the student takes his seat, a girl walks late into class.

Angered by this, the teacher screamed at her, "LET ME GUESS! YOU WERE ON TOP OF MAYBERRY HILL THIS MORNING TOO!? AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE LATE!?"

Confused with what's happening, the girl replies, "But ma'am, I am Mayberry Hill."

[Chilli]

An elephant asked a camel “Why are your breasts on your back?”

 

“Well”, said the camel, “I think that’s an inappropriate question from someone whose dick is on his face.”

[Baldesto]

A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat. Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?" "Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.
--
Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful Woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines! The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "Its women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a LESBIAN!!"
--
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to fuck off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

[Baldesto]

In 1849 a miner comes into a new town after being in the field for a month. He's carrying a sack of gold. The first thing he does is head to the local saloon. As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on the bar and says, "Hey barkeep give everybody in the place a drink, I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send up a steak dinner and the prettiest girl in town. Take out a few bucks for your troubles."

The bartender hollers out, "Sorry Mac there aren't any women in town. All we got is an old Chinaman." The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers, "Never mind I don't go for that kinda shit."

The next day the miner is off back to the fields and doesn't return for 6 weeks. When he returns he has a sack of gold about twice the size as the original one. Again he heads for the saloon and says, "Hey barkeep give everybody whatever they want to drink and eat for the rest of the night. I'm going up to my room and take a shower. Send up some food and a couple of the best women in town. Take out some gold for your troubles."

The bartender again bellows out, "Sorry partner we still have no women in town. The stagecoach that was bringing them in had problems. All we got is that old Chinaman." This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs, pauses a few seconds and says, "Never mind I don't go for that kinda shit."

The next morning the miner is once again headed to the gold fields. This time he's gone for another month and when he returns he has two sacks of gold both larger than the previous one. First stop has him back at the saloon. He enters, throws one of the bags on the bar and says, "Hey barkeep drinks are on me till that bag is gone, keep some for yourself. I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and three of the prettiest women in town because I'm horny as hell."

Again the bartender says, "Sorry Mac the women never did get here. The only thing we got is the old Chinaman." This time the miner spends at least a minute on the stairs thinking about how horny he is and finally says, "OK, send the old Chinaman up."

The bartender replies, "That will be $600.00 in advance." The miner turns around in disbelief and screams, "WHAT!? $600.00 for an old Chinaman?" The bartender replies, "No Sir, the $600.00 is for the three guys that are going to hold the Chinaman down. He don't go for that kinda shit either!"

[Baldesto]

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?" "It is ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby that is all." The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. "DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?" "Son, there has been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."

[Baldesto]

A gray-haired, middle-aged, friend of mine was sitting at the evening dinner table yesterday along with his spouse, when she startled him by telling that she'd had a memorable dream the night before. He was slow to ask what she'd dreamt about. So, she quickly went on to tell him that it had included both of them, without any of his prodding.

"I dreamed that you found a much younger woman, and that you threw me out!" She blurted out impetuously. Then adding in a sort of a cynical way "Of course in just a few days, you came crawling by, and asked me to come back, tired of her whiny ways!" "And of course I told you to bite it!" She added forcefully.

He paused a minute before saying "That wasn't very nice of you!" After a minute, he thoughtfully asked her "How old was she?". "How old do you want her to be?" she responded nastily. "Nineteen!" He quickly answered. "Okay, she was nineteen!" She meekly returned. He thought about that for a long moment, before asking again "What did she look like?"

Now becoming just a little frustrated with him, and his cavalier attitude, she answered "I wasn't focused on that, I was thinking about my own situation and my own feelings" as she looked intently toward him. He rolled back in his chair, staring into space and said "Hell if she's nineteen, who cares what she looks like!"

[Baldesto]

An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the blondie wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

[Virus.]

John is mowing his lawn when he sees a new neighbor moving in. He stops and steps to the fence to see what the new neighbor is like. After calling him over, the new neighbor, Bob, tells says that he is a Professor of Deductive Reasoning at the college.

John- Deductive Reasoning? What's that?

Bob- Well, lemme give you an example. I see you have a doghouse. That leads me to believe you have a dog. If you have a dog, perhaps you have children. If you have children, then I would deduce that you have a wife. By having a wife, you are enforcing that you are a heterosexual.

John- That's pretty neat!

They part ways and John goes to talk to another neighbor, Jerry, who is watching the move.

Jerry- New neighbor, huh? What's he do?

John- He's a Professor of Deductive Reasoning at the college.

Jerry- Deductive Reasoning? What's that?

John- Lemme give you an example. Do you have a dog?

Jerry- No, I don't.

John- Fag!

[Bobyoby]

A chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in. "No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened. Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released. Then the biologist was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want to say?" "No, just get on with it." The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released. Then the electrical engineer was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner. "Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

[Virus.]

An 85 year old man is at the doc’s having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. “Never better!” he replies. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story…

I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him.”

“That’s impossible !” said the old man in disbelief, “Someone else must have shot that beaver.”

“Exactly.”

[Virus.]

A few facts:

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never finish a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

Do you remember when you were a kid; playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in the world did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or faq's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say"
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem...

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this.It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my itunes.

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@stard before dinner.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

I wonder if cops ever get p1ssed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

[Virus.]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began - 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments...

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[Virus.]

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection, a baseball bat, to the cash register.

"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped.

Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "or are you going back there?"

[Bobyoby]

There was a man who went on holiday to Florida. His wife was on a business trip, and so was planning to meet him there the next day. When he arrived, he decided to send his wife an email. However, he had lost the paper with her address on it, and so he typed it in best as he could from memory.

Unfortunately he missed one letter, and his note was sent to an elderly preachers wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving woman checked her email, she let out a piercing scream and colapsed on the floor.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw the note on the screen, it read:

Dearest wife,

Just got checked in, everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

p.s. sure is hot down here

[Bobyoby]

That sucked,so here's a blonde joke to make everyone happy.


There were three women trying to get into heaven, a brunette, a ginger, and a blonde. So an angel says, 'Okay, I'm going to tell you a 100 jokes, if you manage not to laugh at any of them, you can come into heaven.'

The ginger girl is a bit rubbish, and she laughs at the 3rd joke, so she gets sent to hell.

The brunette is slightly better, but laughs at the 50th joke and gets sent to hell.

Then, just as the angel is about to tell the 100th joke, the blonde starts laughing hysterically.

'Why the fuck are you laughing?' demands the angel, 'I haven't even told the joke you twat', so the blonde says:

'I just got the first one'

[Bobyoby]

An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the blondie wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

[Bobyoby]

There are 2 men standing by a cliff. The 1st man runs, jumps of the cliff then soars back onto the cliff next to the 2nd man.
The 2nd man is truly amazed and asks: "My God, how on Earth did you manage to do that?"

The 1st man replies: "Well, the wind from the sea is bringing warm updrafts to the cliff. These are strong enough to support your body, allowing you to float back."

Amazed at the revelation, the 2nd man runs of the cliff and plummets to his death.

A 3rd man then says to the 1st man: "Bloody hell Superman, you really are cruel when your drunk."