joke thread

[swindle]

Joke of the year!

Infinity Ward

[Virus.]

A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model.

They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, the old boy
suffered a coronary and was hospitalised.  

When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your
future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me.  You will
have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in
Texas, my Mercedes.  You'll never need to worry about money."

"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed.
"You've been so good to me already.  If you go, I'll be devastated.  Oh,
there must be something I can do to help you.  Please....tell me what I
can do?"

"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my
oxygen supply for starters."

[Virus.]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating
table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!  Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

[Virus.]

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

[Virus.]

A  fellow  got  up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that
something about this day was to be different.  Something unusual was about
to happen.

He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees.

He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock.

He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.

Threes -  that was it!

He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section.  Sure
enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio!

The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all
on the horse to win.

The horse ran third.

[Virus.]

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing
the possible designers of the human body.
 
The first one said, "It was a mechanical engineer.   Just
look at all the joints."

The second said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.  The
nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
 
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer.  Who else
would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

[Baldesto]

Two black fella's are at a bar talking. One says to the other, "You ever noticed after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?" The second black guy replies, "Yeah, all the time." The first asks, "Why do you think that is?" The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."
--
I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.
--
While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can... until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"
--
George returned home late and found a naked man with a hard-on in his wife's bedroom closet. "Hey, what the fuck are you doing in there?" "I'm riding a bus." "That's a fucking stupid thing to say!" "Well, that's a fucking stupid thing to ask!"

[Baldesto]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure aunt." said the man. Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years...

[Virus.]

A pregnant woman from Vancouver gets in a car accident and falls into a
deep coma.

Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no
longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl.  Your brother
from Quebec came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "

[Virus.]

Carlos the ice-cream man's van is parked at the side of the road. Lights flashing, music playing, a big queue of excited kids stretches down the street. But there's no sign of Carlos.

A policeman walking down the road wonders what is going on. "Where is Carlos?, Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream?"

He goes over to the van and peers over the high counter.

On the floor he spots Carlos. He's lying very still covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits.

"Get back kids," he shouts.

Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him he gets on the radio to the police station.

"Sarge, get someone down here quick," he stutters, "It's Carlos the ice-cream man... ... He's topped himself."

[Virus.]

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents.
The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to
decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small
test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey,
and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending
they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will
be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest -
but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will
be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.
Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son
saw the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the
light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative
whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room,
carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse
than I could ever have imagined... "

"Our son is going to be a politician!"

[Bobyoby]

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast.”

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

[Bobyoby]

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. “Douchebag!” the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. “Your father just said a bad word,” he says. “I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?” His son looks at him and says: “Too late, douchebag.”

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”

[Virus.]

Year 7 science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class:

"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its
usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times
its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously:  "Sir, how dare you ask such a
question?" she says".   I'm going to complain to my parents,who will
complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, butundaunted.  He asks the
class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

"Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says,  "Mary, I have 3 things to tell
you:  First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework.  
Second, you have a DIRTY mind.  And third, I fear one day you are going to
be sadly disappointed."

[Virus.]

On a beautiful deserted island, in the middle of nowhere, the following
people are stranded:

 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
 2 French men and 1 French woman
 2 German men and 1 German woman
 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
 2 English men and 1 English woman
 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
 2 American men and 1 American woman
 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
 2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having
loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the
Polish woman and have started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the
American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true
nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the
necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her
last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how
her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here
are low and it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the
Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling
them both 'bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by
setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture
because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut
whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not
getting any.

[Bobyoby]

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. (Redd Foxx)

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)

Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say “Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you.” So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it. (Dick Gregory)

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, theyd’ say “Thank you.” That graduated into “Have a nice day.” That’s now escalated into “You care care of yourself, now.” The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, “Don’t put off that mammogram.” (Rita Rudner)

[Virus.]

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama
about famous composers starring top movie stars.

Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger
were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so
he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would
portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to
play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people
saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd
like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be,
Arnold?"

So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

[Bobyoby]

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”

They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

[Virus.]

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out
of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the
grocery.  A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so
sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no!  Fact is I'm
sort of glad to be rid of her.  She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning.  Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead
fish.  She was always holding water.  She had a bad crack in the back and
a pretty big hole in the front too.  Every time I used her, her hole got
bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off
was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned
them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her
anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split
right up the middle......."

The old woman fainted.

[Spigalau]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came flouncing down the aisle and said...

'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so, lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no-one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bee-itch.'

[Bobyoby]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[Mr_St1nky]

Offensive post contained herein. Easily offended? Don't click spoiler. Enjoy

Spoiler :

A history teacher asks a class full of kids

'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?

Everybody won.


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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.


----------------------------------------------------------------------



A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'...

So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.   'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'


----------------------------------------------------------------------

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear.. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

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Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor.

He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.

As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect.

Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'

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Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ....

This is for the Christmas period only!


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A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.

His wife replies, 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother.'

[Baldesto]

Three contractors are in a bar after work enjoying a cold one, when a truck crashes into the bar killing all of them.

Suddenly they're at the pearly gates and Saint Peter says “This is perfect. The gates need repair and I can get three estimates.”

He asks the first contractor Bubba what it would take to fix the gates. Bubba walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint Peter an estimate of $750.

Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. He walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint Peter an estimate of $1500, and tells him I won't make a dime off this.

Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. Anthony quickly gives Saint Peter a price of $2750. Saint Peter asks Anthony how he could come up with an estimate of two thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars without even inspecting or measuring the gates. Anthony replies, "Its easy Saint Peter, $1000 for you, $1000 for me, $750 for Bubba".

[Baldesto]

Hughie and Teddy saw an ad in the newspaper and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Hughie and Teddy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" said, "We gonna raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Teddy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Hughie and Teddy at the grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?" They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do. Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said, "My Lord! Didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Hughie and Teddy now work for the US Government. They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

[Baldesto]

A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have praise. Two months ago my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.

She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "Good morning, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN that the word is STERNUM."