joke thread

[Baldesto]

I saw a billboard that read: "Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-555-3787" So out of curiosity I did. Twenty minutes later a Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

So this guy goes into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants. The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18 inch cock. She says," Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you're not sticking that in me." The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says, " Screw that, I can do that myself !"

What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard. Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy." Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right."

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me, "Oi whats your disability?" I said "Tourettes, you fucking cunt!"

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"

Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they wont take it up the ass cause it 'hurts'.

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor. "I haven't got a wife," replied the young man. "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart." "I don't have a sweetheart, either." "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole!"

I bumped into my ex-girlfriend in a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," I told her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asked. "No," I said. "But it kept me from coming too fast."

[Baldesto]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

[Spork]

Got this in an email, found a few quite funny.

*Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their
collections of actual analogies, similies, and metaphors found in high school
essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of
teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners . .

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around
the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking
at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket
fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was
the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping
on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

[bigROBOTbill]

Billy Connelly Quotes of the Century

     
     
    'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a
    headache and sex at the same time?'

    Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs
    this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting
    on?"

    Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby.
    "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything
    else"

    A Jurby girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't
    had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer ?"

    My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw!
    It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking
    on the patio

    Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to
    spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

    They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.
    After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

    Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my
    room disabled ?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard"

    A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin,
    I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

    A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the
    symptoms to me". "Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg  is a
    skinny bird with big blue hair!!"

    My black-eye & fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'....was definitely
    the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked me 'where are you taking me for
    my birthday?'

[Baldesto]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly Gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess Something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He Flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He Shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and Finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just What do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

[Virus.]

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

[Virus.]

This isn't mine....


Six Funny Life Lessons
April 16, 2007
by Carl Pei

Below are 6 very funny and true life lessons to be learned that I’ve received via email. Jokes aside, the insight gained is valuable to everyone and I somehow don’t think you’ll regret reading them.

Lesson 1: Naked Wife

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

    Moral of the story:
    If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

    Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

    Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson 5: Power of Charisma

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

    Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Moral of the story:
    1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
    2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
    3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

*EXTRA* Lesson 7: Popularity can be harmful (by Digg user outhouseinput )

A man decides to write a funny and informative collection of stories meant to drive home some interesting life lessons. While he was writing them, his wife came by and asked what he was doing. He explained to her that he wanted to send his friends something interesting to chat about at work the next day. His wife advised him to post it on an internet blog for fun. The husband took her advice, but negligently set up his own server without properly analyzing the potential for an instantaneous burst of Digg traffic. The site, therefore, went down in flames hosting a few paragraphs of text.

    Moral of the story:
    Don’t listen to your wife.

[Emrico1]

^ You make golden aztec smiley happy. You may live.

How do Kiwi's find sheep in long grass?

Very satisfying.

[Virus.]

One afternoon three elderly ladies were sitting around a table enjoying tea.

One woman said to the others "you know, sometimes I find myself in front of the fridge with a jar of mayonaise in my hand, and can't remember if I am supposed to put it away or make a sandwich"

Another woman chimed in saying "you know, I have the same problem.... sometimes I find myself at the stairway landing and can't remember if I'm going up or coming down".

The third woman proclaimed "well, I'm glad I don't have your problems - knock on wood" as she rapped her knuckles on the table three times and said "oh!, that must be the door, I'll get it!"

[Virus.]

Two friends went out golfing and their tee shots were horrible. One guy hit it way left, the other way right.

They decided that the shots were so bad that they'd just meet up at the hole.

So the first guy looks and looks and finally finds his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups.

He promptly pulls out his 7 iron and starts whacking away. Buttercups are flying everywhere but the ball won't come out.

Well, finally Mother Nature gets mad.

She came up from the ground and said to the man "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year".

The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"

The man looked up and said "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."

[Virus.]

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle."

"A fottle?

That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton."

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."

"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

[Virus.]

This is so bad its good...

Southern medical terms

Benign..................... What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium..................... What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section........... A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.................... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize.................. Made eye contact with her.
Colic...................... A sheep dog.
Coma....................... A punctuation mark.
D&C........................ Where Washington is.
Dilate..................... To live long.
Enema...................... Not a friend.
Fester..................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..................... A small lie.
Genital.................... Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series................. World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail................... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent................... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain................. Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.............. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid..................... A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient................. A person who has fainted.
Pelvis..................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative............. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.............. Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.................. Hiding something
Seizure.................... Roman emperor.
Tablet..................... A small table.
Terminal Illness........... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor...................... More than one.
Varicose................... Near by/close by

[Virus.]

It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains.

As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided.

The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit.

Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.

As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian."

Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."

[Virus.]

Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City
restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting
out the windows and doors.

The judge looked at Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty
eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place,
and leave.  Security cameras caught the entire incident on video.
I have no choice but to sentence your client ..."

"Wait a second, your honour," said the lawyer, "My client may be
guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances.  He couldn't help
his behaviour that night, and if you look up the word 'panda' in the
dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree."

The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary
into court.  There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA:  Black and
white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."

[Virus.]

you can see this one coming....

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the lane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel ike a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

[Virus.]

Found some of these enjoyable:

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
 
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
 
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50
   ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
   this airplane..."
 
2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,
   so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to
   move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till
   we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the
   wings it affects the flight pattern."
 
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
   Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much
   as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
 
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
   National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
   fella. WHOA!"
 
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
   Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
   "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
   because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything
   has shifted."
 
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
   Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert
   the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just
   like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to
   operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
   unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
   oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
   grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a
   small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
   assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small
   children, decide now which one you love more.
 
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
   clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
   Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more
   than Southwest Airlines."
 
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the
   event of an emergency water landing, please take them with
   our compliments."
 
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all
   of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
   evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
   children or spouses."
 
10."Last one off the plane must clean it."
 
11.From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
   to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
   Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
 
12.Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
   Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
   approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an
   extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA
   and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
   Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while
   the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
 
13.Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
   landing:
   "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
   us to the terminal."
 
14.An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
   had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
   had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
   door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
   "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his
   bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
   eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,
   everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
   with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?"
   "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old
   lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
 
15.After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
   Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
   your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the
   aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once
   the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
   we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
   wreckage to the terminal.
 
16.Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
   like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
   time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in
   a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at
   US Airways."

[Virus.]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from
several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.  The
train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train,
looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed
middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.  The war weary
soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said,
"You Americans.  You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my
little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the
woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady.  May I sit there?  I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only
are you rude, you are also arrogant.   Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and
chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir,
you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You
eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your autos on the wrong
side of the road.  And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the
window."

[Virus.]

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and
ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he
settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his
way.
   
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom
business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he
bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line he
realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly
set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
   
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He
knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.  At the end of the
interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have
no ears."
   
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
   
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the
first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything
different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."
   
Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
   
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very
young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and
he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv
was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
   
And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact
lenses."
   
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How
in the world did you know that?"
   
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"

[Virus.]

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no
one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until
a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone  number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully  press
000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep.  Or after the beep.  Please wait for the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.  All our operators are
too busy to talk to you.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9, ...

[Virus.]

Kinda true...

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine.

Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender
association.  For example: House is feminine -- "la" maison.  In English,
of course, words are of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a
computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two
groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or
feminine.

One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the
feminine gender (la) because:

     1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
     2. The native language they use to communicate with other
        computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
     3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
        memory for later retrieval.
     4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
        yourself spendin half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be referred
to in the masculine (le) gender because:

     1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
     2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
     3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems,
        but half the time they ARE the problem.
     4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
        waited a little longer, you could have had a better
        model.

[Virus.]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "you're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "you're in
charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy. "You're in charge of
supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to make a dent in that there pile of sand. So the foreman goes away for a
couple hours. When he returns, he sees the pile of sand is still
untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The
Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no getta broom. You tella the
Chinesea guy he inna charge ofa supplies, but he disappear and I could no
find him!"

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks "Didn't I tell you to
shovel?" The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I
couldna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies, but
I couldna find him!"

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand,
looking for the Chinese guy.  Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from
behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES!"

[maorifulla]

A man checks into a hotel in Auckland while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.  He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,
and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips,
everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in
chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that
sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'

It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.

[Virus.]

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

'What are you doing here?' the captain asked.

She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.

[Pyromanik]

[maorifulla]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her
grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because
there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and
correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to  get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for
you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"