joke thread

[Baldesto]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says," Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl's is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Agatha! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Brenda sticks her ass in it.

[Baldesto]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a huge Mexican. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Mexican. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the massive Mexican leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Mexican. "I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?" "I don't know," the big Mexican replied. "Something about a job."

[Baldesto]

I watched as the 'other' woman delicately inserted her fingers into my wife's pussy. Understandably, I decided to have a wank. Midwives eh, no sense of humour...
--
Toyota have announced that they will be taking part in Formula 1 this year after all. They reckon they'll be unstoppable.

[Baldesto]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Can you cry under water?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Why does the phone only ring when you're taking a shit?

[Baldesto]

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

[Baldesto]

The young Farmer Brown made an appointment with the family doctor, regarding sexual problems he was having with his wife. "Now listen, Luke." the doctor advised, "You have to be more loving to your wife. Give her lots of hugs and kisses. Show her how much you care." "Well, I do the best I can, Doc," the fellow cried. "You see I'm up before the sun rises, working in the field until dusk. I'm just too tired."

The doctor thought for a moment and then said, "Take a shotgun with you next time you work in the field and shoot it off every time you're feeling a bit frisky. When your wife hears the noise, she'll come a-runnin'."

About a month later Farmer Brown went back to the doctor.... this time really depressed. "What's wrong?" asked the doctor. "Didn't you take my advice?" "Yep, I sure did, and everything was going great until hunting season started last week," moaned the farmer. "I haven't seen her since."

[Baldesto]

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the Eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Baldesto]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try." "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "I don't remember."

[DeeVeeOss]

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The Officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[DeeVeeOss]

On a recent trip to the U.S.A., Hone Harawira was invited to address a major gathering of the American First Nations (Indian).
Due to his experiences in handling the indigenous situation in New Zealand, he spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living.

At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented Harawira with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - 'Walking Eagle'. The proud Maori then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.

A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Harawira.

They explained that 'Walking Eagle' is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.

[Baldesto]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $299 to $399, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
--
I took my Biology exam last Friday, but didn't do so well. I was asked to name something commonly found in cells. Apparently, 'black people' is not the correct answer.
--
Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

[Baldesto]

LAWS WE ALL LIVE UNDER

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

LAW OF GRAVITY - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF PROBABILITY - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

LAW OF THE ALIBI - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

VARIATION LAW - If you change lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

LAW OF THE BATH - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

LAW OF THE THEATER AND FOOTBALL STADIUM - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.

THE COFFEE LAW - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

MURPHY'S LAW OF LOCKERS - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

DOCTORS' LAW - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[Virus.]

Actual newspaper headlines:

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.      

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.  
 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
       No really? Ya think?
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
        Now that's taking things a bit far!
 
   -----------------------------------------------------------
 Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
        What a guy!
 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 
 Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
 ------------------------------------------------------
 
 Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
 See if that works any better than a fair trial!
   ----------------------------------------------------------
 
 War Dims Hope for Peace
  I can see where it might have that effect!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------
 
  If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
    Ya think?!
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
       Who would have thought!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------
 
 Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide  
 They may be on to something!
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
       You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 
 Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
      He probably IS the battery charge!
 ----------------------------------------------
 
 New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
 Weren't they fat enough?!
 -----------------------------------------------  
 
 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
 That's what he gets for eating those beans!
  ---------------- ---------------------------------
 
 Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
        Do they taste like chicken?
 ****************************************
 
  Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half
        Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
  ***************************************************
 
 Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
        Boy, are they tall!
  *******************************************
 
 And the winner is....
 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[Virus.]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
 
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
 
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
 
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
 
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
 
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
 
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
 
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
 
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
 
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
 
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

[Virus.]

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
 
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork the clerk admits that there is an error.
 
"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
 
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
 
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.
 
"Sorry about the mix up", apologises the Pope.
 
 "No problem" replied Tiger Woods,
 
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
 
Tiger: "Why is that?"
 
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
 
Tiger: "You're a day late."

[Virus.]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that, 'Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

[Virus.]

RECENT TERROR THREAT

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist

threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to

"Peeved."

 

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"

or even "A Bit Cross."  The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since

the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody

Nuisance."  The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"

warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

 

 

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get

the Bastards" They don't have any other levels.  This is the reason they

have been used on the front line in the British army for the last

300 years.

 

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its

terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".  The only two higher levels in

France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."  The rise was precipitated by a

recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively

paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.  

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to

"Elaborate Military Posturing."  Two more levels remain:

"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

 

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful

Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."  They also have two

higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the

only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to

deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new

Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

 

Canadians are holding a public enquiry on the matter, have hired

federal teams of bilingual grief counsellors and are controlling the

situation through pieces of carefully-worded legislation which are currently

on hold as the House is not sitting.

 

 

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa"to

"BAAAA!".  Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a

squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy

some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one

more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and

rescue us".

 

 

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No

worries" to "She'll be right, mate".  Two more escalation levels remain,

"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"

and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted

use of the final escalation level.

[Virus.]

Paddy is  planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he
could tell if his  bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor  says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of  red paint, a small can of blue paint  and a shovel."

Paddy  asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The  doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night,  you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue .


If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you
hit her with the  shovel.'

[Virus.]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses"..

[Virus.]

The meaning of Valentine
 
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

 ‘Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint, and we’re Jewish,’ she asks, ‘Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

 Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says: ‘No, I don’t think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?’

 ‘Osama Bin Laden,’ she says.

 ‘Why Osama Bin Laden?’ her father asks in shock.

 ‘Well,’ she says, ‘I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
 And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.’
 
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. ‘Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.’

 ‘I know, ‘ Melissa says, ‘and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker.’

[Virus.]

WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand,
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen,
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other,
And relish visits with my mother.

 
A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course in Spain ,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.  This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

[Virus.]

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we
meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two
friends?!!

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

Husband says to wife "Do you fancy playing a rape game?" Wife says "NO!". Husband replies "Thats the
spirit!"

[Baldesto]

Two men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco machine. He lasts over 10 minutes. "Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!" his mate says. "I get lots of practice" replied the other guy, "My wife's an epileptic"...
--
I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
--
Roy, the poofta, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Roy, I'm not going to beat around the bush you have AIDS." Roy is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" Doc says "Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of Cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno Peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, a box of All Bran, and top it off with a litre of prune juice". Roy asks bewildered, "Will that cure me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ARSE is for!"
--
I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.

[Baldesto]

LETTERS TO THE ED

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?

Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call.

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

I was shocked to hear the Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

Why don't hospitals start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew bombers for the Luftwaffe.

Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving those fat fuckers? It's hardly fair.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John, Liverpool

The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Curry's, and after I had paid for it, they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I might be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Curry's?

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is... who's sending the other one?

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.

Supermarkets... help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.

Every time I use my local cash point, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?

[Baldesto]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want". The Lord said, "That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking - the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

And the Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"