joke thread

[ToxicButtNZ]

If bluebirds have blue babies and blackbirds have black babies .... what has no babies?




A swallow .... hahahahahaha

[Nostargate]

"i was having doggy with the mrs the other night, she farted, i slapped her ass and said"shush little one your next""

[Nostargate]

Teacher asks "who can use the word incompletely in a sentence"...Little Timmy says "When my balls hit my girlfriends ass Im incompletely."

[private_hell]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department
for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his
employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he
has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board
and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work,
earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin, and about once every 6
months gets to sleep with my missus."

"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, "the half-wit."


"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

[Baldesto]

God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter. "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head and said "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shook His head before saying, "No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot there!" "I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there and banged some Jewish girl... they're STILL talking about it!"
--
What's big, long and hard and makes women have sex with me? A knife.
--
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
--
I was brought up by strict Catholic parents who made me believe that my penis was dirty and evil... which if anything meant I was grateful when my uncle would lick it clean when he used to babysit.

[Dr Woomanchu]

Robin Williams told this one at his show the other night.

Mom and Dad are going at it hot and heavy in the bedroom, when they hear a noise. They look over and little Johnny is standing in the doorway with a horrified expression on his face. He runs away and slams the door.

Mom n Dad finish the wild thing, and as they're lying there afterwards, dad says " I better go have a wee talk to Johnny". He goes to the boys room and knocks on the door, then goes in. There in front of him is Johnny, banging his grandma like a little rabbit.

"WHAT THE FUCK!!!" goes dad. Johnny looks round and says "See, it's not so funny when its your mother"

[Baldesto]

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.

Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other’s needs. Heidi was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.

After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said,“I have a problem…It’s kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.” Heidi replied, “Okay,” to which he asked, “Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?”

Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.

The guy then asked, “Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?” Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.

Then the guy said, “Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man.” Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.

Finally, the guy said to Heidi, “Do you mind if I call you Phil?” Heidi had now become very dejected, and said “No, I guess not, you can call me Phil.”

So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted “Phil, you won’t believe who I have been sleeping with!”

[Baldesto]

When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come... then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
--
If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit. And if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along then let's face it... you're drunk again!
--
Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
--
Heather Mills parents sent her a new leg as a Christmas present. They told her it wasn't her main present... it was just a stocking filler.

[Baldesto]

The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid. "Now what about the butler?" the rich woman said. "A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested. The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie."

The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?" The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron."

The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing At her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband." "I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?" the maid replied. "Of course," the woman replied. "Then what about three more inches?" said the maid.

[Baldesto]

My Gran just walked in on me while I was having a wank. She was so surprised she had a stroke. I couldn't believe how soft her hands were!
--
My uncle Eric was a shit ventriloquist. He used to put his fingers up my arse and ask me not to say anything!
--
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"
--
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8. Thank you.
--
A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his arse. Doctors described his condition as stable.

[Baldesto]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault". "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[Baldesto]

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, some asshole is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

[Baldesto]

I woke up this morning at 8 and just knew something was wrong. Got downstairs and the wife was face down on the kitchen floor not breathing. I panicked, didn't know what to do... then I remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 10:30.
--
Was asked to go and see my ex-girlfriend today. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Police weren't too pleased. I was only meant to be identifying the body.
--
I went to see a psychic last weekend and she told me that I'd be coming into money. Last night I shagged a girl called Penny! Spooky or what!?
--
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cell mate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too." "Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading. How about you?" "Oh, nothing fancy like," grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests."
--
I must have really pissed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation on her when we were having sex.  She's been lying there for five days now giving me the silent treatment.

[Baldesto]

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his mum to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his mum comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want." "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "HELL NO," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!" "Yes, there are," he says, "my mum told me so!" "No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there." "Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there." The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

[Baldesto]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed "to exercise the Papal wrist", and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, "You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!" "This is my big lottery win," said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?" Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "Two million Euros..."

"TWO MILLION EUROS!" she exclaims. "They must have seen you coming!"

[Baldesto]

Sir Elton John and his husband David are at home changing  the new  babies nappy. Sir Elton says "Hey darling, the baby looks just  like  you!" David says "Ooh darling really? Is it the pink nosey  wosey?" Sir  Elton says "No darling!" David says "Is it the  sweet little pinky  toes?" Sir Elton says "No sugar!" David says,  "Well its gotta be that  cute little cheeky smile, hun?" Sir Elton  says, "No, silly!" David says  "Well come on babe... tell me,  what is it?" Sir Elton says "He's got  shit round his cock!"
                    --
                    Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she  shut her  eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw  the red spot on  her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
                    --
                    Two women were having lunch together, and discussing  the  merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman said, "I need to be  honest  with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman responded,  "Oh,  that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!"  "Wow,"  replied the first woman, "I just can't picture your husband as a   blonde!"
                    --
                  My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate  for a  Roger. It was only when I had my trousers around my ankles and my  cock out that  I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!
                  --
                  A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge  hole  in my ass." The doctor says "drop your pants, bend over and let's   have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor. "What could have  made a  hole as big as that?" Patient replies "I've been fucked by an   elephant." The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin.  This  hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first."
                  --
                  My friend's wife was in labour with their first child.  She  was shouting, "Get this kid out of me! Give me the drugs." Then  she  looked at him and said, "YOU did this to me you bastard!" He  casually  replied to her, "If you remember Honey, I wanted to stick it  up your ass  but you said, "NO! It'll be too damn painful."

[Baldesto]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any  kind of  unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying  to get him to  change. One day John came home with another one of his  unusual purchases. It  was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie  detector.
                   It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year  old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
                   "Where have you been? Why are you  over 2 hours late getting  home?" asked John. "Several of us went to  the library to work on an  extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot  walked around the table and slapped  Tommy, knocking him completely out  of his chair. "Son," said John,  "this robot is a lie detector, now tell  us where you really were after school."
                   "We went to Bobby's house and  watched a movie."  said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The  Ten  Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and  once again  slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip  quivering, Tommy got up,  sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We  really watched a tape called Sex  Queen."
                   "I am ashamed of you son," said  John. "When I  was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot  walked around to John  and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out  of his chair.
                   Marsha doubled over in laughter,  almost in tears and said,  "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You  can't be too mad with Tommy.  After all, he is your son!" The robot  walked around to Marsha and knocked  her out of her chair.

[Baldesto]

Two guys are out hunting, and as  they are walking  along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach  it and  are amazed by the size of it.
                   The first hunter says,  "Wow,  that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it   is." The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something  down  and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
                   The first hunter says,  "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll  throw it in and see".
                   So they pick it up and carry it   over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They  are standing  there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a  rustling in the brush  behind them.
                   As they turn around they see a   goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no   hesitation, jump in head first. While they are standing there looking at  each  other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was  all about, an  old farmer walks up.
                   "Say there," says the farmer,  "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
                   The first hunter says, "Funny   you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat  came  running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and  jumped  headfirst into this hole here!"
                   The old farmer said,  "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission."

[Baldesto]

and 5k!!
A man goes to the doctor's and says, "D-d-d-doc, I have  a st-stutt-stutter, cc-cc-caa-can you hh-hhel-help me?"
                   The Doc examines him and tells  him, "It's your penis. It's  over 12 inches long and the gravity pull is  so strong it is putting a strain on  your vocal chords." The guy asks,  "W-w-wha-what c-cc-can w-w-we d-do  ab-ab-about it?" The doc replies,  "Well, I can cut it off and  transplant on a shorter one. I can  guarantee that the operation will cure your  stuttering forever." "OK,  d-d-do it!"
                   Four weeks later the guy goes  back to the doctor's office  and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my  problem and I don't stutter any  more, but there is a new problem in  that I have only had sex once in the past  month. My wife doesn't enjoy  it anymore either - I can't satisfy her. So I've  thought about it and  decided that I don't care if I do have to stutter, I want  my dick  back!"
                   The doc replies, "N-n-n-no chance, a d-d-deal is a  d-deal!"

[Baldesto]

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for  several weeks  to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around  to doing it while  Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care  of another matter before she  returned. She came in and undressed to  take a shower. Before getting in the  shower, she sat on the toilet. As  she tried to stand up, she realised that the  not-quite-dry epoxy paint  had glued her to the seat.
                   About that time, Charlie got home  and realised her  predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any  success whatsoever. Finally,  in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet  seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet  around herself and Charlie drove her  to the hospital emergency                      room.
                   The ER Doctor got her into a  position where he could study  how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten  the embarrassment of it all by saying  "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've  never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied "Actually,  I've seen lots of them. I  just never saw one mounted and framed."

[Baldesto]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a  woman and  ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said,  "How about  that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"
                   "What a coincidence" the farmer  said. "This  is a special day for me, so I am celebrating." "This is a  special day  for me too; I am also celebrating" said the woman.''What a   coincidence!" said the farmer.
                   As they clinked glasses he added,  "What are you celebrating?"  "My husband and I have been trying to have  a child and today my  gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a  coincidence!"  said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of  my hens were  infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised  eggs."
                   "That's great!" said the woman,  "How did your  chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock" he  replied. The  woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a  coincidence!"

[private_hell]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She  says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow  $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security  for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL  500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the  title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral  for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good  laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000  loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the  bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde  returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The  loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this  transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you  were away, we checked you out and found that you are a  multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow  $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my  Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I  return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke.

 

[Lone-Star]

I braked hard but still hit the car in front. A cute blonde got out and said 'ram me up the ass why dont you'. This your honour is where the confusion began........

took a girl home from the pub the other day but I ended up passing out on the sofa..... I must have had her drink by mistake

as a man you really cannot win these days. Just yesterday I was holding the door open for a nice young lady and she said... will you close the door, I'm trying to use the toilet!

[Baldesto]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the  mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he  arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole  family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big  gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine  cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific  fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful  woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him  through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the  stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate  love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went  downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham,  sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was  truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was  pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's  bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the  dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today  would be your last day, and that we should do something special for  you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a  dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea.

[Spork]

What do you call 15 guys sitting around the TV watching the Rugby World Cup final?




The All Blacks