joke thread

[Simon_NZ]

What does AIDS stand for?

[drunk.kiwi]

What does AIDS stand for?

ass infected death sentance.........lol

[drunk.kiwi]

whats the first sign of aids???






a pounding sensation in your ass.

[Jakey]

Two Scottish lads are chatting in the pub about the one bloke's wedding
which is just around the corner.

The one bloke says to the other, "I think I'm going to have to wear a
kilt for my wedding."

The other bloke says, "Oh, aye? What's the tartan?"

.


"Oh she'll be dressed in white."

[Into The Void]

Kinda jokes.


1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs...what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS(NZ Post I guess we could change it to)? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
16. Are those real?
17. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
18. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
19. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
20. (Look down at your crotch) Well, It's not just going to suck itself.
21. You know if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
22. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
23. F @ me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
24. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
25. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
26. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
27. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
28. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
29. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
30. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
31. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
32. I've lost my phone number, can I have yours?
33. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
34. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
35. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
36. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
37. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
38. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

[drunk.kiwi]

 
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
.

I LOVE IT    :rnr:  lol

[Xt1ncT]

What's red and can't turn round in an alley??

A baby with a javelin through it's neck

[Xt1ncT]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women    differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and    women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into    bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says    "I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT?!!! What was that?!"     So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not    in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy    your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just    love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to    sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend    time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a    big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she    tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just    buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I    said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery    department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I    was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing    me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know    how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,    honey."
 She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the    excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally
said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could    hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a    baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want    you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my    financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your    shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she    was going to kill me, I added,    "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the    things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[Simon_NZ]

ah so true:D

lol

[themussnz]

Little bit on the racist side.............






What do you get when you cross an African American with a octopus?

The best dam cotton picker you ever seen.



Why do they put cotton wool in pill bottles?

To remind the African Americans they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.

[Slapper]

LOLOL Xt that was halirious  :chuckle:

[pseudogecko]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[Baldesto]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?". She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

[joshmaister]

What''s black, white, red all over, and doesn''t fit through revolving doors?

A nun with a spear through her head.

[henno]

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious.

She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

[joshmaister]

lol i love it

[laurasaur]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?". She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

fucking lol that is hilarious

[Simon_NZ]

Q: Why did the fold get arrested???
A: He was caught rolling a joint!!!

bahahahhaah

[joshmaister]

Chocolate is better than sex because:

You can GET chocolate
BUYING chocolate is legal
Chocolate won’t mind if you bite the nuts too hard
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate with each other without being called "gay"
You’re never too young or too old for chocolate.

[ThaFleastyler]

My favourite short jokes ever.
Please note: may be totally cheesy.

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do forhim?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

14. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

17. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

18. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

21. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

[Heswe]

These jokes are Lone Star's. He is just to blind to see the joke thread. I didnt include the 2nd one, as its already in this thread.

Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

[drunk.kiwi]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.  While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."  

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.  

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend  only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance."

[Lone-Star]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[joshmaister]

What's red and can't turn round in an alley??

A baby with a javelin through it's neck

lol thats just as bad as my nun one

[joshmaister]

What's red and can't turn round in an alley??

A baby with a javelin through it's neck

lol thats just as bad as my nun one