joke thread

[drunk.kiwi]

How do you make a baby float?



Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of baby and a few nuts on top.
mmmm yum yum. :chuckle:

[Tiddles]

PGR. Has ideas.

A mother and her daughter were walking through the park on a lovely Sunday afternoon.
The daughter suddenly stops and points to a couple, bonding on the park bench.
"Mummy, what are those two peoples doing?"
"their making cakes dear" was the reply her mother gave her.

Monday afternoon, and the mother and her daughter have just finished feeding the ducks and are walking back home.  The daughter stops and points to another couple, bonding beside the tree, just off the beach.
"Their making cakes aren't they mummy?"
"Yes they are dear" was the reply her mother gave her.

Next day, the daughter come into her parents bedroom after waking up extra early for school.
"Mummy, you and daddy made cakes last night, didn't you?"
"Yes dear, but how did you know?"asked her puzzled mother.
"Because I licked clean the icing off the couch"

[henno]

Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"


Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."

[Rambler]

what's blue yellow and lies on the bottom of the pool?
A baby with its water-wings slashed

whats red, yellow and floats on top of the pool?
Water-wings with the baby slashed

[Hopeless]

what's blue yellow and lies on the bottom of the pool?
A baby with its water-wings slashed

whats red, yellow and floats on top of the pool?
Water-wings with the baby slashed

lol classic +1 rep

[TofuEater]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays. "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car, children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...

GOD says to her, "Sweetheart, work with me on this one. Buy a ticket."

[shoot_2_kill_u]

A vicar and his neighbour are playing golf. All is going well untill the 4th hole, when the vicars neighbour misses a shot and goes over par.
He cries out "Shit! I missed the bugger! "
The vicar then begins to tell his neighbour how it is bad to swear, and says that he shall not go to heaven if he does not apologise.
The neighbour shrugs it off, and walks over to his ball to take another shot.
He swings, and once again misses the hole completely.
"Bloody hell! I missed the bugger again!"
The vicar, once again, begins to preach on how bad it is to swear. Again, the neighbour shrugs it off and moves to make another shot.
He swings, and hits it straight into the stream.
"FOR FUCKS SAKE! I KEEP MISSING THE BASTARD!"

Suddenly, a big naked man appears in the clouds and throws a lightning bolt at the vicar.
"Shit! I missed the bugger!"

[Valvanite]

why is a 9 volt bettery like a womens arse?


you know its wrong but sooner or later your gonna put your tounge on it

[Dangyy]

Whats the difference between a maori an a park bench ?...

Park bench can support a family.



Why cant prostitutes count to 70 ?...

Cause 69s a mouth full


Came to my head first

[Xt1ncT]

Really bad joke...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... . A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[D_Unit]

Bah!

[themussnz]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Xt1ncT again.

ROFL

[APFSDU]

The best/worst baby joke in history.

How do you make a baby cry twice?
 
Wipe your blood covered dick clean on it's teddy bear.

Sorry. I love that one.

[Xt1ncT]

That's just sick

[Baldesto]

"Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul..." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Another brief pause then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

[Baldesto]

Two true blue dinky-di Aussie chicks walk into a David Jones store, walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Shazza sprays it on her wrist and smells it: "That's quite noice, innit, don't ya fink Cheryl?"

"Yeah, what's it called?" "Viens a moi." "VIENS A MOI, what the fark does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for "come to me".

Shazza takes another sniff and offers her arm to Cheryl saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you, Cheryl?"

[Baldesto]

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But - The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

[Baldesto]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day, trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about: "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Finally, realising what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN! ... DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?"

[Baldesto]

and one for all the poms.....
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out - Fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc. but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about His father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and give them lap dances. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say..."

[Aurora]

But really, you could have put all of those into one neat post seperated by the ingenious ----------------------------------- lines




JOKE: When is a car not a car?
ANSWER: When it turns into a drive way! OMG LUL!

[Baldesto]

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" He replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

[Baldesto]

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from the other passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight. "WOW, great!" he thinks. "What a good place to be today." He is boarding, but he doesn't see the Pope, so he figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong.

He takes his seat and is thankful that there is an empty seat next to him. Just before the flight closes, the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him. "I am surely blessed", the man thinks. "Here I am a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me." The plane takes off, and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seatbelts.

The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me, but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help.

He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking. The Pope turns to him and says: "I usually don't talk to others on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?" "Anything your eminence. What is it?" "Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?" The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt." The Pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

[Baldesto]

NUDITY - I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

MORE NUDITY - A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

HONESTY - My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS - On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP - A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

ELDERLY - While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP - A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning"

DEATH - While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL - A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE - A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[Xt1ncT]

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from the other passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight. "WOW, great!" he thinks. "What a good place to be today." He is boarding, but he doesn't see the Pope, so he figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong.

He takes his seat and is thankful that there is an empty seat next to him. Just before the flight closes, the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him. "I am surely blessed", the man thinks. "Here I am a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me." The plane takes off, and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seatbelts.

The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me, but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help.

He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking. The Pope turns to him and says: "I usually don't talk to others on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?" "Anything your eminence. What is it?" "Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?" The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt." The Pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

Damn - I repped you for another one when this one is so much more deserving of rep...GOLD.

[Baldesto]

ha i got neg repped for a bad joke, and the twat didnt have the balls to leave a name..........