joke thread

[Fragin]

George Bush was in his office with his military advisors getting briefed on the latest developments in Iraq. "And sir, 3 Brazilians died during fighting yesterday....." George suddenly rocked back in his chair visibly upset. He put his head in his hands and tears were streaming down his cheeks. His aides gathered around. "Sir, are you alright?" George looked at them and asked "exactly how many is a brazillion anyway?"

[woofnstuff]

Ponder this…

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

[drunk.kiwi]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[drunk.kiwi]

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

[drunk.kiwi]

The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

:heheh:

[Baldesto]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"

[Baldesto]

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch when he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".

"Guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?'"

[Baldesto]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[Spork]

Whats the difference between a Vitamen and a Hormone?

You cant make a Vitamen but you can make a....

[Fragin]

There was a guy delivering some monkeys to the zoo when his van broke down. He was standing at the side of the road wondering what to do when he saw a farmer approaching with an empty lorry. He flagged the farmer down and offered him $500 to take the monkeys to the zoo. The farmer agreed and the monkeys were transferred to the farmer's lorry and off he went. A couple of hours later the man was still waiting for a breakdown vehicle to come when he saw the farmer coming back, still with the monkeys on board. He flagged the farmer down again and asked why he hadn't taken the monkeys to the zoo. "I did." said the farmer. "We had a great time and there is some money left over, so I'm taking them to see Disneyworld..."

[BerG]

Baldys jokes deliver.

[Rambler]

Fubu hoode $80
Red Bandana $14
Baggy Jeans $120
9mm Pistol $220
Realising your white...Priceless

Three men are in a sauna, an American, a pakiha and a Maori. They hear a beeping sound and the yank touches his forearm and says "thats my pager, I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
Next a phone rings, and the pakiha lifts his palm to his ear, and syays he has a microchip in his hand.
The Maori, feeling very low-tech, goes to the toilet and comes back with toilet-paper hanging from his arse and exclaims " EAHH i cun believe it! would you look at that, I am getting a fax! "

[Fragin]

A man was stopped by a DOC warden recently with two chilly bins full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for it's fishing.

The warden asked the man,
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Nah, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim around for awhile.
Then I whistle and they jump back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS. Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the warden for a moment and said,
"It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this."

The man poured the fish back into the river and waited. After several
minutes the warden turned to the man and said,
"Well?"

"Well what?"

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

[woofnstuff]

Basic Rules For Dogs Who Have A Yard To Protect

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and earing your protective bark, bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans,  so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

[themussnz]

got this e-mailed to me had to lol

joke thread

[Fragin]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck to his crotch. The bartender says "Hey friend, you know you've got a steering wheel stuck to your crotch?"

"Yarr," the pirate replied "It's drivin' me nut's."

[woofnstuff]

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE
-=-=-=-=-=
     
"Doctor, I have an stomach ache."
     
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
     
 100 A.D. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
     
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
     
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
     
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
     
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root!"

[Baldesto]

A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?" Granny says "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

[Baldesto]

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl and the two of them go into the bedroom where she strips and shows her. Her own curiosity aroused the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?" So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed... I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me!"

[Baldesto]

There was this big football player in the bathroom taking a piss, when in walks this little short guy who stands beside him to piss.

The big guy couldn't help but notice the enormous size of the little man's penis. He said to the little person, "I'm not gay or anything but how in the hell can a guy so little have a dick so big?"

The little guy replied "Well I'm going to let you in on a little secret, I am a leprechaun. I can grant you any wish you want, but there is a catch, you have to let me stick it up your ass."

The big guy thought to himself "Well I have played football and got knocked on my ass, surely I can take the pain of a dick up my ass." He said "OK, my wish is for a million dollars." "Bend over" said the leprechaun and proceeded to pound the crap out of him.

When it was over, the big guy exclaimed "I can't believe you got all that up in me." The little guy said "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"

[Baldesto]

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a check-up. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"

[M@lice]

thats fukn terrible bald

[Scorched_onion]

Love this one

Two friends are playing golf. They're keep waiting on every tee for the group ahead of them to clear - a ladies twosome.
Finally , at the 5th hole one of them decides to walk down to them and ask if they can play through. Half way down the fairway he makes a quick u-turn and comes back.
He says to his buddy "man, I can't do it! It's my wife and my mistress ahead of us!" His buddy says "ok, in that case I'll ask them and we'll sneak by, they won't see you". He starts walking down the fairway... half the way he turns around and jogs back. He says to his friend "it's a small world, isn't it??"....

dont get it

[Scorched_onion]

TOP 12 COUNTRY SONGS FOR 2007

12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.
11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day.
10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.
8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
7. I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
5. I'm So Miserable without you, It's like You're Still Here.
4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By now.
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.
2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.
1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few

LMFAO I STARTED CRYING BECAUSE I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD AT THAT FIRST ONE!!.

[Scorched_onion]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?"she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

LMFAO