joke thread

[Survival]

What do you get when you fuck a pregnant woman..?

A fuck and a blow job at the same time

[Baldesto]

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes, it is.... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long..."

[Baldesto]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"

[Baldesto]

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere." I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." "You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

[Baldesto]

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."

A week later, his second born son approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse "as soon as that tractor is paid for."

A few days later son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."

[Baldesto]

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over. On approaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS.

He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks. "No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. "What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker. "Well," the bartender answers, "It's nerd season."

"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused. "Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season." So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.

A few miles down the highway the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's to hard. His trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.

While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"

"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season?" "Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"

[Baldesto]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new Pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"

[frankytanky]

Baldesto + good jokes = frankytanky repping baldesto (if i could rep for every joke i would)

[Baldesto]

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly I canny button me pants."

"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...

[TuataraDude]

A scientist dies and goes to heaven. Somewhat surprised there is an afterlife (he was a scientist afterall), but relieved he ended up in the right place, he decides to catch up with God.

"Hey God" he starts. "Creating Eve was pretty nifty work, but let's face it, you used Adams' rib so you already had a DNA sample. A tweak here, and adjustment there, and you would have a woman."

"GLAD YOU APPROVE" God replies. (note, capitals to show force of presence, not shouting)

Feeling a little encouraged that he hadn't been chastized for what he thought might be considered blasphemous, he goes on.

"Let's be honest, even creating Adam out of dirt was nifty, but hardly impossible. I mean, we can do that now as well you know."

"REALLY?" God asks.

"Yeah, we can create humans from dirt as well" the scientist tells Him.

"OK THEN, GO FOR IT. SHOW ME".

The scientist say "Sure", bends down and grabs some dirt.

"OI! GET YOUR OWN DIRT!."





PS - Baldy, that centipede joke is priceless. Would rep you if I could, but I gotta spread the love around some more first.

[Valvanite]

i htink the time for bad taste has passed.


how do you fuck a coconut?


turn then power off.

[Who_ate_my_rice]

A scientist dies and goes to heaven. Somewhat surprised there is an afterlife (he was a scientist afterall), but relieved he ended up in the right place, he decides to catch up with God.

"Hey God" he starts. "Creating Eve was pretty nifty work, but let's face it, you used Adams' rib so you already had a DNA sample. A tweak here, and adjustment there, and you would have a woman."

"GLAD YOU APPROVE" God replies. (note, capitals to show force of presence, not shouting)

Feeling a little encouraged that he hadn't been chastized for what he thought might be considered blasphemous, he goes on.

"Let's be honest, even creating Adam out of dirt was nifty, but hardly impossible. I mean, we can do that now as well you know."

"REALLY?" God asks.

"Yeah, we can create humans from dirt as well" the scientist tells Him.

"OK THEN, GO FOR IT. SHOW ME".

The scientist say "Sure", bends down and grabs some dirt.

"OI! GET YOUR OWN DIRT!."





PS - Baldy, that centipede joke is priceless. Would rep you if I could, but I gotta spread the love around some more first.

LOL very nice man.  and baldy i'd give you rep too for the centipede joke but i gotta spread it a bit more too =|



here is mine:

one guy in a bar says to the other.
"you know... i could have played for the All Blacks if i had just listened to what my dad said."
"Yeah?  What did your dad say then?"
"I don;t know... i wasnt listening."

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Three guys were working on a aparment building in the city and one of them fell off the 20th story and died.

"Shit!"  said one of the guys.  "who's gonna tell his wife whats happened?"

"I'll do it" said the other one.  "I;m good with that sensitive stuff."

so an hour later he returns with a case of heinekens in one arm.  The other guy asks him, "hey... did you see his Mrs?"  

"yep.  And she gave me these beers too."

"aye?? Why?"

"well went over there.  she opened the door i asked, 'are you Steve's Widow?'
'im not a widow' she replied.
'i bet you a case of Heine's you are!'"

[henno]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."  "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"  A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty.

[Baldesto]

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f*ck himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

[Baldesto]

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good-natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."

[Baldesto]

This bloke walks into a bar and over the next couple of hours  proceeds to get increasingly drunk. Suddenly he spots a guy in  the  corner with  a group of friends and begins to verbally abuse  him. "Oi you he shouts.  I've shagged your mum!!"  The man carries on drinking trying to ignore the guy's drunken  rantings.  Half an hour later the drunk stands up and renews his abuse.  "Oi you" he shouts even louder this time "I shagged your mum up  the arse" The guy in the corner turns his back on him and continues  talking with friends although by now visibly irate.  Half a hour later the drunk pipes up once again.  "Oi you! your mum sucked my dick!!"  By now the guy in the corner has lost his cool, he stands up  furiously and yells "For fucks sake Dad go home, you're  embarrassing me."

[Baldesto]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl
is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire
truck,"the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the
fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your firetruck, but
if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have
a siren."

[Who_ate_my_rice]

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in
the groin area.
 
The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his
desk.
 
He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she
hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
 
 
The doctor emerges from under her skirt.
 
"How's that?"
 
"Well, it's a lot better actually, but...........it's still there."
 
Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.
 
 
Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.
 
" How's that?" he asks again more confident.
 
That's wonderful! What did you do?"
 
 
"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

[Who_ate_my_rice]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Asda with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda.  Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?".

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the Younger one, she's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya dick'ead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would fuck you twice!"

[Who_ate_my_rice]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.  He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.  As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.  He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he  grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.  He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.
She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And  the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.  
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open thedoor to the cage,  flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage doorshut.
 "Now. Tell him you have a headache."

[drunk.kiwi]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except VB. The bartender says, "What's wrong with VB, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of VB and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks".
You don't understand said the man,



 Chunks is my dog.:bounce:

[drunk.kiwi]

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.":heheh:

[drunk.kiwi]

Yo Mamma is so fat,
the telephone company gave her two area codes!
 
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she ran out into the road in front of me, I tried to swerve round, but ran out of petrol.
 
Yo Mamma is so fat,
that after sex I rolled over twice and I was still on the bitch.
 
Yo Mamma is so fat,
the Goodyear blimp accidently flew into her mouth!  

Yo Mamma is so fat,
when you get on top of her your ears pop!  

Yo Mamma is so fat,
she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"  

Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she wears a yellow raincoat, people shout "Taxi!"
 
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions

Yo Mamma is so fat,
her feet need license plates!  

Yo Mamma is so fat,
that she has to use a VCR for a pager

[Baldesto]

bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?" The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five metres in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
 
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?" "Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again...?"