joke thread

[M@lice]

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA  34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16.  After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time.  Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

[M@lice]

joke thread

[Spork]

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to 'Mum' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mum,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have
been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercings,tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's
not only the passion...Mum she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very
happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She
deserves it. Don't worry Mum. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know
your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Jon


P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

[Fragin]

^ ahaha i like it spork. Sorry i gotta spread rep around or some shit.

[Spork]

Yea I got it in one of those mass emails and I was bored enough to open it up.

[drunk.kiwi]

Study says piss is better than jogging

By MARIA CHENG, AP Medical Writer Thu Sep 20, 10:12 AM ET

AUCKLAND - There's a new slogan for weight-watchers: Suck more piss. A friendly crate of piss, a new study has found, works off more fat and builds up more muscle than jogging.

Danish scientists, who conducted their research on 37 men, also found the piss drinkers felt less tired after exercising than the joggers because they were having more fun.

"This is good news for men who prefer to sink piss with their mates," said Matthew Dunningham, an information analyst at ASB Bank, who was not connected to the study at all.

To measure how shitted the men were getting, the researchers strapped monitors to their brains and compared blood samples and muscle tissue from before and after booze-ups and jogging sessions.

The researchers selected men with similar health profiles aged 11 to 73 and split them into groups of boozers, joggers, and nutlickers — who not surprisingly ended the three month-long study in the worst shape.

Each piss up lasted about six hours and took place three times a week. After 12 weeks, researchers found that the body fat percentage in the piss drinkers dropped by 3.7 percent, compared to about 2 percent for the joggers.  Nutlickers gained up to 2 kilograms during the course of the study.

The piss drinkers also increased their muscle mass by almost 2 kilograms (4.5 pounds), whereas the joggers didn't have any significant change. Those who did no exercise or sucked little piss registered little change in body fat and muscle mass.

"Even though the piss heads were untrained, there were periods in the pub that were so intense that their cardiovascular and excretory systems were maximally taxed, just like professional rock stars," said Dr. Peter Krustrup, head of Copenhagen University's department of exercise and sport sciences, who led the study.

The piss heads and the joggers had the same average heart rate, but the piss heads got a better workout because of intense bursts of sex and violence.

Krustrup and his colleagues found there were periods during piss ups when the men’s bladders were pumping at 90 percent their full capacity. But the joggers' bladders were never pushed as hard.

"The argument as to whether or not vigorous activity is better than sucking piss is over," O'Donovan said.

He warned, however, that sedentary people shouldn't jump-start their bodies with a session of intense piss drinking but rather ease into their drinking regime with some moderate activity.

Unlike the boozers, the joggers consistently thought their runs were exhausting and boring.

"The piss drinkers were having more fun and they were more focused on scoring chicks and getting laid, rather than the feeling of strain, muscle pain and monotony," Krustrup said.

Health officials were unsure how much impact the study results might have on the wider population.

Justin Walsh, communications manager at NZFunds, said its hard enough convincing people to get wasted moderately, let alone engage in high-intensity piss drinking binges.

"There might be enormous benefits to telling people to get totally rooted twice a week," he said. "But if they're not going to do it, then that message may be useless."

[Baldesto]

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off". They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids." Then I thought... "Fuck, I could win this."
--
Three blonde sisters went to a garage sale and bought a Genie lamp and took it home. When they got home the Genie came out and said: "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were more intelligent." So the Genie turned her into redhead. The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So the Genie turned her into a man.
--
Two blacks guys were walking along a road when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop on his way home from the pub. One guy was thrown through the windscreen and the other was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.

[Baldesto]

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and research. This assistant is a bit of a git and decides he'll play a prank on the old man, and suggests he research 'sheep shagging'.

The professor thinks this is a great idea and heads off to Wales to begin his research. He heads out to the countryside and finds a farmer to quiz about his unnatural habits. The professor greets him and asks if he's got time to answer a couple of quick questions.

"No problem boyo" says the farmer, "go right ahead. "Well," said the professor, "what I'd like to know first is, do you own any sheep here?" "Of course boyo, biggest farm for miles round here I have. We've got loads of 'em"

"Great, now the next question is a bit personal - do you use your sheep for sex?" "Ohh, too right boyo. There's three or four out there who are my particular favourites."

"So, how exactly do you .... do it?" "Well, normally I take them down to the river, I slap their back feet in my wellies, the sheep pushes back from the water, bloody heaven boyo"

The professor thanks him and heads for the airport. Having heard about the Aussies, he heads out to Australia. with exactly the same plan. He finds a farm, talks to the farmer and gets the same responses.

"Round up the sheep, head 'em up towards a cliff and off you go. Back feet in my boots, sheep pushing back from the cliff, bloody marvellous mate."

Again, the professor thanks him and decides that his research needs only one more addition. So he jets off to the world centre of sheep shagging,

Once in New Zealand, he drives out to the bush, finds the biggest farm he can and knocks on the farmhouse door. He repeats his questions to the farmer "Too right mate. Usually I stick their back legs in me wellies, front legs over me shoulders and away we go!"

"So the sheep faces you? That's strange - I've been talking to people around the world about this, and they all do it with the sheep facing away from them." The Kiwi is shocked. For a few seconds he can't speak, then he manages to stutter: "What? No kissing?"

[Baldesto]

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North Western University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Obviously wasn't the same elephant.

[Baldesto]

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself... television, ice cream, homework, video games... but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room.

The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to jerk off."

[M@lice]

lol kitty u nub u said "lol thats pretty clever" in ur comment but u clicked neg rep u nub lol

[Goldo]

It was deliberate

[Fragin]

It was deliberate

lol, that's pretty clever

[Lone-Star]

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

[420fairy]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
Have raised, the administration rejects your request for the
Following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting others locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
And exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

[KITTY]

lol kitty u nub u said "lol thats pretty clever" in ur comment but u clicked neg rep u nub lol

It was deliberate

lol, that's pretty clever

    Homer's Brain: Don't you get it? You've gotta use reverse psychology.
    Homer: That sounds too complicated.
    Homer's Brain: OK, don't use reverse psychology.
    Homer: All right, I will!

[Baldesto]

I was depressed last night so I rang the Samaritans. It was a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I felt suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane!

[Baldesto]

During a lunch break at work, this Kiwi was sitting alone in a corner. A mate came over to see what he was doing. "I'm reading an interesting new book," explained the Kiwi. "It's about quick repartee and how to become proficient at it." "So what's quick repartee?" asked his mate. "It's the art of coming back with a sharp and witty answer when someone is rude to you," the Kiwi answered.

"Does it work?" his mate asked. "Shit yeah. My brother read it before he went to the circus, where he got a front row seat. During the show, a clown came up and started asking him questions.

"Have you ever played front-end of a donkey?" asked the clown. "When my brother said no, the clown asked: "Well then, have you ever played the rear-end of a donkey?" Again my brother said no. Then, said the clown, bursting with laughter. "Well, you've been no end of an ass, haven't you?"

The whole audience roared with laughter, and my brother was embarrassed at being made to look like a fool. Then he remembered the book and he came back with this quick answer which turned the tables on the clown. "What did he say?" asked his mate. "Fuck off, you red-nosed cunt!"

[Baldesto]

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night, all he could offer her was $0.50 and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear. Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms." "Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

[Baldesto]

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $1000. Then the National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!" "Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know that I've got Yellow 24." "Fuck me," says the bingo caller, "Yellow 24…?!! You've won the raffle as well!!"

[drunk.kiwi]

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for
something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

[Fragin]

I googled "funniest joke in the world" and got this:


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[420fairy]

lol!!!! classic

Hot Enough For You?   
    
After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.

There, he was greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.

Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.

As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

Game of Choice   
spacer
    
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.

The game of choice for frontline workers is football.

The game of choice for middle management is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are

[private_hell]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked. " Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ".
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes " "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No " Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes " whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter "

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME "

[drunk.kiwi]

Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, “Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?”

Robert replied, “That’s because I make love to my wife every morning before work.”

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.

“That’s easy,” Robert said. “I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!.

It goes like this: “Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!”

Tyrone said, “Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental.” But he decided it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!

Robert asked, “Man, what happened to you?!”

Tyrone said, “I don’t know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem.”

“Well, what poem did you tell her?”

Tyrone said: “Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I’d hump you like a dog!”