joke thread

[Spork]

I never really got the whole baby jokes thing. Works just as well with emos.. well most of them.

[420fairy]

baldy deserves a custom title, man makes me laugh everyday with his jokes..the baby ones werent even funny....poor taste..

[420fairy]

I’m Glad I’m A Woman


I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt
my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

[420fairy]

I’m Glad I’m A Man



I’m Glad I’m A Man
I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.

I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don’t carry our differences into the sack.
I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all
I won’t cry if you figure out it’s not going to work
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.

Yes, I’m glad I’m a man, a man you see
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!

[TuataraDude]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you d*ckhead?" "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

[Baldesto]

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist. "Only one," replies the bride. "I won't take it up the arse."


--
What is arguably one of the most costly things in the world? A girl who is free for the evening.


--
A man is sitting on his front step staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse." "What was the question?" the neighbor asks. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'" "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

[Baldesto]

I was in a pub and told the following joke: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked. "No," replied the man. "He choked on one of my socks..."

[Baldesto]

An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and - poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done - poof! The light goes off?" "Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the bloody fridge again!"

[Baldesto]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to $5, when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake complimentary from the last shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours prancing around town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require around the clock care to feed him, cloth him and change his nappy. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead! What'd you buy?"

[Baldesto]

A young Kiwi moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Kiwi so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Kiwi said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"  "101,237.64." The kiwi replied. The manager choked and exclaimed "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him!?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me… a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4×4...?" "No... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said... 'Well, since your weekend’s fucked, you might as well go fishing.'"

[Karatoo]

lol

[SteddieEddie]

Just spent a couple of hours sciving off work reading this thread.
 Baldesto you are one funny cu*t. Shame I can't rep you more.:sunnies:

[Hopeless]

Good, bad and the Ugly
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

3. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

4. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your daughter has a boyfriend
Bad: He's your best friends
Ugly: You bumped into him at the pharmacy buying condoms

8. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

9. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

[Baldesto]

Why is light beer like going down on your sister? It tastes the same, but its just wrong.
--
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. While chatting with the bartender the man says: "I have a method that will enable you to double the amount of beer you sell every day." "Really?!" says the bartender, "How?" "Very simple. Just pour full glasses.

[Baldesto]

It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long term relationships because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her inability to satisfy them sexually.

So when a guy from the office whom she really likes asked her out, she decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the butcher and buys a kilogram of fresh liver.

She gets ready for her big date and slides that kilo of liver into her box hoping that it will take up some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.

Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and fall asleep in each others arms.

Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs and thinks, "Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I'm doomed to end up an old maid." She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen table...

"Dear Annie, Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time, and I think you are WONDERFUL! Sorry I had to leave so early, but I'll call you later and I hope we can get together again REAL SOON! Love You, Bill. (P.S. Your cunt's in the sink)"

[FOAMER]

ha ha nice

[Fragin]

[DEATH0WL]

Haha that's a good one.

[Fragin]

I didn't write this..... :bigglasse



For Sale

1. Mary -
1980 model. Immaculate for age. Will pass any inspection. Top down fun in summer. Be the envy of your friends. Cannot afford to keep them all, so this one on offer for sale reluctantly.

2. Susan -
Sporty performance and a real head turner. Excellent condition. Very reliable. A1 body. Just had a major service. Only taken out on Sundays.

3. - Maria
First imported in 1975. Comes with a number of accessories. Been great to me over the years. Said it was either her or the fishing so here she is. Prepared to let her go for below market value, or to swap for what-have-you.

[Who_ate_my_rice]

There was only one  other person in the bar. It was a man. The three
 men kept  looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
 
 They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before,  When
 suddenly the Irishman cried out
 
 'My God, I  know who that man is. It's Jesus!'
 
 The others looked  again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself,
 sitting alone at a table.
 
 The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! you!!!  Are you Jesus?'
 
 The man looks over at him, smiles a small  smile and nods his head.
 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.
 
 The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like  you to
 give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'
 
 So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to  his
 table.
 
 Jesus looks over, raises his glass,  smiles thank you and drinks.
 
 The Englishman then calls  out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be
 Jesus?'
 
 Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
 
 The  Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint
  of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, this the bartender duly does.
 
 As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the  men.
 
 Then the Kiwi calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon  you're Jesus, or what?'
 
 Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am  Jesus.'
 
 The Kiwi is mighty impressed and has the  bartender send over a Lion
 Red for Jesus, this he accepts  with pleasure.
 
 Some time later, after finishing the  drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and
 approaches the three  men.
 
 He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes  it, thanking him
 for the Guinness. When he lets go, the  Irishman gives a cry of amazement.
 
 'Oh God, the arthritis  is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for
 years is gone. It's  a miracle!'
 
 Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman,  thanking him for the
 Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the  Englishman's eyes widen in
 shock.
 
 'By jove', he  exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is
 completely  gone. It's a Miracle!'
 
 Jesus then approaches the Kiwi,  who has a terrified look on his face.
 The Kiwi whispers.
 
 'Back off mate, I'm on ACC'

[Hopeless]

Ah drunk people...will they ever say what they mean? Below you'll find some common drunk phrases and what they translate to in sober language. I hope this helps you gauge whether or not it's a good idea to let your buddy in the car when he claims he's "totally fine, dude."

(Drunk Term = Sober Translation)

I LOVE This Song! = I KNOW This Song!

Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly = Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.

Man, I'm hungry = Man, if I don't eat right now I am going to be puking all over this bar...again.

You're really pretty = I'm going to be ashamed of it tomorrow but tonight is all about instant gratification, honey.

Want to watch a movie? = Want to come over to my room for some extremely creepy back rubbing and some equally disturbing neck-nibbling?

I'm soooo drunk = I'm planting a seed in your head that will eventually grow into a beautiful tree which excuses me from blame for my actions tonight.

I just, like, want to help animals, ya know? = I just, like, want to get in your pants, ya know?

You're my best friend, man = You're my only friend in arm's reach right now and I need someone to pay for this shot, man.

I don't want to ruin the friendship = You're a nice girl but you're very heavy and I'd rather pretend I value our friendship than spend tomorrow dreaming up ways to kill myself.

This is the BEST night of my LIFE! = This is the BEST night of my WEEKEND!

Let's take a walk, this bar is crowded = I prefer my handjobs outdoors.

I'm totally fine, dude = I'm totally going to be needing a toilet or bucket in about five minutes, dude.

What's up, Bro? = What's up, guy-whose-name-I-can't-ever-remember?

Who wants to dance? = Who wants to watch me stumble around the party, waving my arms, spilling my drink and pile-driving my genitals into anything wearing a skirt?


I had, like, ten beers before I even came out = I'm, like, the kind of guy that lies about how much I drink.

Dude, I didn't even make it out of home last night! = Dude, my girlfriend made me stay in and watch the Gilmore Girls season 1 DVD with her last night!

[Baldesto]

A young man is starting his first ever job at a morgue. The boss of the morgue thinks, "I'll throw him in at the deep end on his first day, give him a real challenge". So he takes the young man to a door, and he tells the young man, "Behind this door is a room with nothing in it apart from a dead old woman lying completely naked on a slab. You have to go in and inspect her body." "Inspect her body?" the young man asks. "Yes", replies the Boss, "Check if everything's OK"

So the young man goes through the door into the room, and the boss waits outside. After what seems like a very long time, the young man comes out of the room. "Everything OK?" asks the boss. "Yes", answers the young man, "Except one thing. She's got a prawn stuck up her cunt." "She's got a prawn stuck up her cunt!!?", exclaims the boss, astonished. "Yes", replies the young man.

The boss decides he has to go and check this. So he goes into the room, and the young man waits outside. The boss quickly returns, and the young man says, "See, I told you!". "That's not a prawn, that's her clitoris!", explains the boss. "Well, it tasted like a prawn", answers the young man.

[Baldesto]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin, in every way". The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

The Doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together... an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, he rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She says, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this... still in the CRATE!"

[Baldesto]

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000.00 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000.00 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby volunteer Fire Department from a few towns over, composed mainly of over 65's.

To everyone's amazement, the little rundown fire engine, operated by these old boys, passed all the newer sleeker engines parked outside the plant… and drove straight into the middle of the inferno! Outside the other firemen watched in amazement as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never before witnessed.

Within a short time, the old boys had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000.00, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly fire-fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said the fire chief, "the first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that fucking truck!!"

[Baldesto]

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink up, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!"