joke thread

[Pyromanik]

There was only one  other person in the bar. It was a man. The three
 men kept  looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
 
 They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before,  When
 suddenly the Irishman cried out
 
 'My God, I  know who that man is. It's Jesus!'
 
 The others looked  again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself,
 sitting alone at a table.
 
 The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! you!!!  Are you Jesus?'
 
 The man looks over at him, smiles a small  smile and nods his head.
 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.
 
 The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like  you to
 give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'
 
 So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to  his
 table.
 
 Jesus looks over, raises his glass,  smiles thank you and drinks.
 
 The Englishman then calls  out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be
 Jesus?'
 
 Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
 
 The  Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint
  of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, this the bartender duly does.
 
 As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the  men.
 
 Then the Kiwi calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon  you're Jesus, or what?'
 
 Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am  Jesus.'
 
 The Kiwi is mighty impressed and has the  bartender send over a Lion
 Red for Jesus, this he accepts  with pleasure.
 
 Some time later, after finishing the  drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and
 approaches the three  men.
 
 He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes  it, thanking him
 for the Guinness. When he lets go, the  Irishman gives a cry of amazement.
 
 'Oh God, the arthritis  is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for
 years is gone. It's  a miracle!'
 
 Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman,  thanking him for the
 Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the  Englishman's eyes widen in
 shock.
 
 'By jove', he  exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is
 completely  gone. It's a Miracle!'
 
 Jesus then approaches the Kiwi,  who has a terrified look on his face.
 The Kiwi whispers.
 
 'Back off mate, I'm on ACC'

The kiwi would have been safe. Jesus would have added the arthritis and migrane to whatever he had already for lion red ><

[Lone-Star]

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by aloud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o’clock in the morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[qwerty4me]

Knock knock.

Francis

FRANCE IS NEXT TO GERMANY HAHAAHAAHAAAAAAAAA

[qwerty4me]

I've been neg repped twice for that all ready! Come on, it wasnt THAT bad

[private_hell]

um yes it is that bad - and only two negs - jeeze ppl must be outside in the fine weather somewhere

[qwerty4me]

Oh cruel world, waht have I done to deserve such abuse

[TuataraDude]

Oh cruel world, waht have I done to deserve such abuse

It's called Karma.

(Although probably not worth actual neg rep).

[qwerty4me]

It's called Karma.

(Although probably not worth actual neg rep).

How could it be karma? Did it offend anyone? But ok, I can see people dont like it... I'll shut up now.

Thanks to the people who gave me positive rep back

EDIT: To avoid double post...



I yellowed out peoples names, just in case they didn't want people to know they repped me.

[ThaFleastyler]

Sorry if this has been posted before ...

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
 
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
 
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
 
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
 
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
 
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
 
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
 
We went on to the jewellery department where she pick ed out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
 
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
 
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
 
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
 
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
 
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
 
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[Munc_her]

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope died.

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.!
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.

IN THE FUTURE, IF PRINCE CHARLES DECIDES TO MARRY, SOMEBODY PLEASE WARN THE POPE.

[detonator7]

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old."

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

[Baldesto]

New Zealand Police this morning found a body floating in Auckland Harbour. The body was that of a male in his early thirties, he was wearing: a bra and womans knickers, an All Black jersey, a tutu, ballet shoes and had a sex toy in his rear passage. Police immediately removed the jersey to save the family from any embarrassment.
--
Thor, the god of thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night and goes to a singles bar. He ends up going home with a beautiful woman. They spend the weekend in her place making passionate love, over and over again. Come Monday morning, Thor deciding to reveal his true identity, says "I am Thor!". The women looks at him and replies, "You're Thor!? I'm so thor I can hardly pith!"

[Baldesto]

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the Stick pig and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blowwww your house down." And he did!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the big bad wolf just blew down my house!" So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blowwww your house down." And he did!!

So the straw pig and the stick Pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up the wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and blew the wolfs head off. Then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry butt into the creek then got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! "Who the heck were those guys?" they asked. "Those were my cousins... The Guinea Pigs. "Gotta love those Italians."

[Baldesto]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the Motorway."

"You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can: Your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, "We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch." The guy perks up a bit at this.

"So it's a simple decision," the doctor says, "You need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch penis before and you decide to go for a nine inch penis now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife

The doctor comes back the next day. "So" he says, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have." says the chap. "And has she helped you to make the decision?" "Yes, she has" he says. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having a new kitchen," replies the man.

[Baldesto]

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!" Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces - which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts - which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?" Calmly, Naomi responds: "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

[Baldesto]

Richard is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful but listen very, very closely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

[Baldesto]

A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?".

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar was a skinny little guy who was very, VERY drunk. The guy slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a drink!"

The bartender, a close friend of the guy, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, revealing her hairy armpit, and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again he slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a nudder drink!"

The bartender finally approached his friend and said, "Listen my friend, I know it's your business if you want to buy that lady a drink, but how come you keep calling her a Ballerina?""To me, any woman who can lift her leg dat high, got to be a Ballerina!"

[Baldesto]

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner."Can I have that green banana?" the man asks. The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.

Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.

The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked. "Nahh" said the bloke... "I'm just a really bad conductor."

[Baldesto]

A guy walks into a clinic to get a blood test done. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it. The guy is so pleased he asks, "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"
--
The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own."

[Baldesto]

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock." She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black!"

[Baldesto]

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the guy says. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

[henno]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

[Baldesto]

A guy goes to the pharmacy and he says "I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter". The chemist says "Your daughter sexually active at age 11?". "No," he says "she just lies there like her mother".



--
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect." To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

[Baldesto]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

[Baldesto]

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several traffic lights in Sydney. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of Money to spend. Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day. Ahmed says "Look at your sign, it says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.'"

"Aussies who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family whether they give you money or not!" "Now look at my sign!"

So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads: "I only need another $10 to move back to Lebanon!"