joke thread

[Baldesto]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside... when you said you heard someone coming... that was me."

[Baldesto]

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. She was devastated - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? So in a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. Little Johnny then decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." Little Johnny replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then Little Johnny asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

[Xt1ncT]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside... when you said you heard someone coming... that was me."

Gold, pure gold.

[Raped_ByA_Spoon]

A guy goes to the pharmacy and he says "I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter". The chemist says "Your daughter sexually active at age 11?". "No," he says "she just lies there like her mother".
!"

Cringe

[KITTY]

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are
there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea.
"Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister
in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have
a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"
"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's
not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that
one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him
an answer.
Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in
the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have
a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin
Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[henno]

A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years old. One evening the wife came home and found a note from her husband. It said: ''My dear, you are 54 years old and there are some things you are not giving me, so I am at the Holiday Inn with my 18-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me.''

He returns home that night to find a note from his wife: ''You are also 54 years old and there are things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 18-year-old students and you (being a math teacher) should know that 18 goes into 54 way more than 54 goes into 18, so don't YOU wait up for ME.'

[Baldesto]

I bought a teddy bear yesterday for $10. I named him Mohammed. Last night I sold him for $30. My question is, have I made a prophet?

[Baldesto]

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. "Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer. "Oh, I still love him," the chick replied "but all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it." "Instead of divorcing him why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.

"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom." "Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."

The wife began walking to the bedroom. "Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"

[Lone-Star]

BRITISH HUMOR

Princess Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly
tighter as the day went on.  That night, when the festivities were
finally over and they  retired to their room, she fell on the bed and
said, 'Charles,  darling, please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me
!'  The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with
vigor, but it would not budge.  'Harder!' yelled Camilla. 'Harder!'
Charles yelled back. 'I'm trying, darling! But it's just so  bloody
tight!'  'Come on!
Give it all you've got!' she cried.  Finally, when it released, Charles
let out a big groan.  Camilla exclaimed, 'There! Oh, God, that feels so
good!'  In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
See? I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!'

Now back to Camilla and Charles:
As Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,  'Oh, God, darling!
This one's even tighter!'
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, 'that's my boy:  once a Navy
man, always a navy man!!!

[Baldesto]

to the half assed cunt who neg repped my joke/s ,thats fine, this will be my last post in this place

[Baffled]

to the half assed cunt who neg repped my joke/s ,thats fine, this will be my last post in this shithole.

Nooooo... I give your pos rep long time... keep posting this thread is good!

[Chronic]

i have fun reading your jokes. keep em coming :bounce:

[TuataraDude]

A young nun goes to her Mother Superior, "Mother Superior, I have sinned". "What is it my dear" replies the Mother Superior.
"I used a curse word Mother Superior" she confesses.
"Sit down dear and tell me all about it".
They sit down and the young nun begins.
"Well, yesterday I played golf. I lined up my tee shot on the first hole. I hit it well and it went sailing through the air. After a short ways through the air, it started to veer right and ended up landing in the trees".
The Mother Superior leans forward and says "Is that when you cursed?"
"Oh no. I grabbed my pitching wedge and hit the ball out of the rough. It went round the trees and landed right in front of the green, in the middle of a bunker."
The Mother Superior leans forward and says "Is that when you cursed?"
"Oh no" the young nun replies. "I pulled out my sand wedge and chipped the ball out and it ended up four inches from the hole".
The Mother Superior leans forward and says "You missed the fucking putt didn't you?"


PS Keep 'em coming Baldy.

[Baldesto]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, discharged and shoot him right in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony... he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

[Baldesto]

For those of you who do not know, Kalgoorlie is a large gold mining town in Western Australia. It has accepted brothels which are a tourist site.

Kevin Rudd was attending a convention in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, Kevin Rudd stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionised shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." Kevin Rudd asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" Kevin Rudd said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

[Baldesto]

This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note "Off to the grocery store". He hasn't been getting any from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick. He puts the video in, and starts masturbating. He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life. Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in and... what happened?!". To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."

[Baldesto]

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up... "I'll try it -just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

[Baldesto]

TO MY DEAR WIFE
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

[Aezra]

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding anickel. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, turning blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and startspanicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue businesssuit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup ofcoffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seatand makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of theboy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then everso firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up thenickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the fatherand walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the fatherrushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seenanybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied . . . "Divorce attorney".

[Spork]

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"I'd never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug. "
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my beer.

What a bitch...

[Who_ate_my_rice]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

---------------------------------

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best about 'Oral Sex':

a.. 3% liked the warmth.

b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

c.. 93% appreciated the silence.

[nzallmenace]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the

small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too

much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I

accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.


Your loving wife.
x0x0x0x0

p.s. your girlfriend called

[MrBurNZ]

There is normally a Pic attached of a pickup stacked neatly on a Ferrari or something. Brutal.

edit: found it

joke thread

[Baffled]

There is normally a Pic attached of a pickup stacked neatly on a Ferrari or something. Brutal.

edit: found it

joke thread

How in the hell does that happen? O_o

[MrBurNZ]

Female drivers. ducks and runs