joke thread

[Anaraith]

A little boy goes to his father and asks
'Daddy, how was I born?' The father
answers: 'Well son, I guess one day
you will need to find out anyway! Your
Mom and I first got together in a chat
room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date
via e-mail with your Mom and we met
at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a
secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard
drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late
to hit the delete button, nine months later
a little Pop-Up appeared that said:




You got Male!

[Spork]

^^

[/thread]

[Baldesto]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. Being a New York lawyer, he thinks that he's smarter than the deputy and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[Goldo]

Not even a giggle.

[Slim]

This thread is just full to the brim of your hilarious jokes Godless.

[Baldesto]

What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard. Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy." Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right."

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me, "Oi whats your disability?" I said "Tourettes, you fucking cunt!"

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"



"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor. "I haven't got a wife," replied the young man. "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart." "I don't have a sweetheart, either." "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes? Heath Ledger jokes will get old.

Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole!"

I bumped into my ex-girlfriend in a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," I told her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asked. "No," I said. "But it kept me from coming too fast."

[ladyhawk]

viagra

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra but his request was denied. "Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.

"It's not safe," the doctor replied.

"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is
coming home on Sunday."

"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."

[Baldesto]

A FATHERS RULES FOR DATING HIS DAUGHTER

RULE ONE
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

RULE TWO
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

RULE THREE
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

RULE FOUR
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex and my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

RULE FIVE
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." You have already provided your Name, Date of Birth and SSN for a full background check at the driveway.

RULE SIX
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
 
RULE SEVEN
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

RULE EIGHT
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
-Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
-Places where there are no parents, policemen, or surveillance cameras within eyesight. Places where there is darkness.
-Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
-Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
-Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games and NASCAR are okay. Old folks homes are better.

RULE NINE
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, quick lime, a shovel, and a friend who owns an orchard. Do not mess with me.

RULE TEN
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rooftop in Baghdad. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Watch for the trip wire.

[TuataraDude]

A FATHERS RULES FOR DATING HIS DAUGHTER

Have to spread it around blah, blah. Nice post.

[Aezra]

A guy and a girl get on an elevator in a hospital. The guy hits three, and asks the girl "which floor?" to which she replies "Four, please."

Making conversation, the girl says "I'm here to give blood. What are you here for?"

The guy says "I'm actually here to donate sperm. They give me eighty dollars for it."

The girl goes, "Huh. I only get ten dollars for giving plasma." They get off the elevators on their respective floors.

The next week, the same guy gets on the elevator to go give sperm again. Lo and behold, the same girl gets on. "Nice to see you again. What floor, miss?"

"Mmmmph!", she says, and holds up three fingers.

[detonator7]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now. because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're going down the tracks.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train.but I want you to use nice language!"

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say. "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon!"

She heard her little darling continue. "For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[Tomb~Girl]

I love FARSIDE anyone else?

joke thread

joke thread

joke thread

joke thread

joke thread

[liquidpain]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.

[liquidpain]

and i got this told at mellick at the mount

a bra and jumper leads walk up to the bar and ask for a pint of beer, the barman turns around and says i cant serve you guys, they ask why, the barman says first all you are off your tits and you look like you're about to start something

[SonOfBin2000]

Ever since heath ledger has stared in brookback mountain
he has all ways been addicted to crack

[Raptor]

Whats the definition of embarrassment.....?

Running into a brick wall with an erection and your nose breaking first.

[SonOfBin2000]

Lol nice man

[Raptor]

Lol nice man

Thanks.

Your in bed, your alone,

You hear a noise,

You go downstairs,

Its dark,

Your TV's floating in the air,

What do you say?.................
.......

Drop it Niggah!

(Not trying to be raciest or anything)

[SonOfBin2000]

Lol !!! +1

[henno]

"After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, British
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came
to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network
more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the POMS, in the weeks that followed, Australian
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in
the Aussie newspapers read: "Australian archaeologists have found
traces of 150 year old copper wire and have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50
years earlier than the Brits."

One week later, Maori TV reported the following: "After digging as deep

as 30 meters in his backyard in Te Kuiti, Hone Waiata, a King Country

Kaumatua, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Hone has therefore

concluded that 300 years ago Maori had already gone

wireless."

[Spork]

Thanks.

Your in bed, your alone,

You hear a noise,

You go downstairs,

Its dark,

Your TV's floating in the air,

What do you say?.................
.......

Drop it Niggah!

(Not trying to be raciest or anything)

I dont see how anyone could ever possibly see that as racist at all my good man! As that joke definitely does not suggest that any race would be more likely to break into a house than any others, would it?

[liquidpain]

Terminator went into prison and dropped the soap. He bends down to pick it up and suddenly his system pop-up a message: New device found... Installing drivers...


=====================================================

Little known fact about Christmas..
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a shot of whiskey. Then he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

==============================================

Pizza...
John ordered a pizza and the waitress asked:
- Should I cut it in six or twelve pieces?
- Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

=======================================
Sex is like programing...

One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE......

=============================================
Young man from big town went for vacation to village... Later he met a girl and they went out for date. Suddenly girl asked him a question:
- John, I heard this interesting word, not sure what it means?... It is penis...
- Oh... let me show you, and he unzip his pants
- Aaahhh, I see, it is same as dick but much smaller...

[Who_ate_my_rice]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last fucking white man to be called
Winston!'


Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.


What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law About 2.3 pounds including the
urn.

       
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true
what they say about black men'... So he stabbed        her and nicked her
purse.

 
I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but
when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '


A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must  confess darling, I
was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that
I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!'.


A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at
the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother'

[Raptor]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."

[Baldesto]

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.






MAN'S LOVE POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
Huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit