joke thread

[Crazy_Whitey]

Yea theres too many wankers on these forums, hence why I rarely post

[st3r]

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?




































Suck its dick.

[loitech]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a> surrogate> father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,> Mr.> Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man> should> be here soon.'>> >> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer> happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,> Ma'am',> he said, 'I've come to...'>> >> 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been> expecting you.'>> >> 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you> know> babies are my specialty?'>> >> 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have> a> seat'.>> >> After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'>> >> 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the> couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room> floor> is fun. You can really spread out there.'>> >> 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry> and> me!'>> >> 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if> we> try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,> I'm> sure you'll be pleased with the results.'>> >> 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.>> >> 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be> In> and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'>> >> 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.>> >> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of> his> baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.>> >> 'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.>> >> 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider> their> mother was so difficult to work with.'>> >> 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.>> >> 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the> job> done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good> look'>> >> 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.>> >> 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.> The> mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly> concentrate,> and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the> squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'>> >> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,> uh...equipment?'>> >> 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod> and> we can get to work right away.'>> >> 'Tripod?'>> >> 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much> too> big to be held in the hand very long.'>> >> Mrs. Smith fainted

[cnvrt02]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a> surrogate> father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,> Mr.> Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man> should> be here soon.'>> >> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer> happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,> Ma'am',> he said, 'I've come to...'>> >> 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been> expecting you.'>> >> 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you> know> babies are my specialty?'>> >> 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have> a> seat'.>> >> After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'>> >> 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the> couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room> floor> is fun. You can really spread out there.'>> >> 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry> and> me!'>> >> 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if> we> try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,> I'm> sure you'll be pleased with the results.'>> >> 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.>> >> 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be> In> and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'>> >> 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.>> >> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of> his> baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.>> >> 'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.>> >> 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider> their> mother was so difficult to work with.'>> >> 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.>> >> 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the> job> done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good> look'>> >> 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.>> >> 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.> The> mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly> concentrate,> and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the> squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'>> >> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,> uh...equipment?'>> >> 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod> and> we can get to work right away.'>> >> 'Tripod?'>> >> 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much> too> big to be held in the hand very long.'>> >> Mrs. Smith fainted

need to tidy it up, worth the read tho.

[Zarkov]

Yea theres too many wankers on these forums, hence why I rarely post

Good idea.

Keep the numbers down.

[TuataraDude]

God makes Eve for Adam, but gives him strict instructions, "She must never be allowed to swim in that stream. Everything else is fine".

Things go well, despite Eve being curious about not being allowed to swim in the stream. One day Adam says to Eve, "I'm curious as to what I will find over in the next valley. I'm going to go and have a look, want to come along?"

"No thanks, I'll stay here" she replies.

Adam takes off. After about an hour, Eve figures he will be some time and decides to find out what the fuss about the stream is. She jumps in and swims around. The water is cool, but not cold. It is refreshing and she wonders why she didn't do this earlier.

Suddenly, dark clouds appear above her. A giant hand comes out and points at her.

"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT!" says God in a deep, booming voice.

"Why not?" asks Eve.

"NOW ALL FISH WILL SMELL THAT WAY".

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Who is your real friend?

This
really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.



Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!

[Hads]

God: "Hello Osama?"
Osama: "Yes God"
God: "Osama.. did you hear about the tsunami?"
Oasama: "Yes"
God "Beat that you prick.."

[st3r]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?' The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.

[SpineSnapper]

This one had me laughing for a while.

I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.

[ChoppyNZ]

This one had me laughing for a while.

I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.

heck...

tryed to get a bj while driving, i got a slap... tru story

[Pyromanik]

^ I tried that.
Didn't work too well, concentrating too much on driving tbh.

[Ngati_Grim]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


  ^^my piece of string just keeps on going :sly:

[detonator7]

At PRISON
You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell    
At WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6X6 cubicle

At PRISON
You get three meals a day, fully paid for    
At WORK
you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

At PRISON
For good behavior, you get time off    
At WORK
For good behavior, you get more work

At PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you    
At WORK
You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself

At PRISON
You can watch TV and play games    
At WORK
You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

At PRISON
You get your own toilet    
At WORK
You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat

At PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit    
At WORK
You aren’t even supposed to speak to your family

At PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required    
At WORK
You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

At PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out    
At WORK
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

At PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens    
At WORK
They are called ‘managers’

[Hopeless]

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

[Baldesto]

A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the joint! Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line "Did you see me rob this Bank?" The customer replies "YES!" The bank robber raises his gun points it to his head and BANG!! SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD!! He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man "DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?" The man calmly responds "No... but my wife did!"
--
Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent. To enter the convent's grounds, they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies. As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a Marine." The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"

[RushinG.]

why does beyonce say 'to the left, to the left' ?

coz niggaz don't have any rights. :rasb:

[Who_ate_my_rice]

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
 But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
 One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
 Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
 You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
 Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

 If the plural of man is always called men,
 Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
 If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
 And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
 If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
 Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

 Then one may be that, and three would be those,
 Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
 And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
 We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
 But though we say mother, we never say methren.
 Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
 But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

[Pagan]

Don't know if this has already been posted....

------------------------------------------------------
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"Aim towards the Enemy."
------------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps
------------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -
USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
-----------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject....
directly over the area you just bombed." -
U.S. Air Force Manual
------------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously
never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
-----------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you Panic.
The rest of you, come with me."

 

- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
-------------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and
don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
---------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
-------------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
- --------------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."

 

Joe Gay
-----------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
------------------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
-------------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
-------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
-------------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. for I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena , Japan
-------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
-------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism:
There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- >From an old carrier sailor
------------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage,
it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
-------------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you
always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Without ammunition....
the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
-------------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, . The pilot dies."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
-------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions
(or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
------------------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline aviation:
now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
-------------------------------------------------------
"A smooth landing is mostly luck;
two in a row is all luck;
three in a row is prevarication."
-------------------------------------------------------
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
---------------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
we never left one up there!"
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag
for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing
your plight to a person on the ground incapable of
understanding or doing anything about it."
--------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world...
it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't...
flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
--------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing,
fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
-------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

 

--------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules:
"Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by....
the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there."
-------------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked ...
when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
--------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing,
the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

[liquidpain]

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

[liquidpain]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[DDM]

You may find this helpful around the house/garage....

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer

[Baldesto]

A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

The farmer replied, "One time a neighbour lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it."

"I can't print that!" said the reporter, "is there another event that made you really happy?" Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy."

Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked the farmer, "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"

The farmer hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once..."

[Baldesto]

One Wednesday, little Billy went to school. The teacher said, "For the next three days, I will be asking a trivia question, if anyone answers any of them correctly, they won't have to come to school on Monday.

The first question was, "How many grains of sand are on all the world's beaches?" No one knew, not even little Billy. Suddenly, a paper airplane flew across the room. "Okay," said the exasperated teacher, "who's the comedian with the paper airplane?" No one knew, not even little Billy.

On Thursday, the question was, "How many stars are there in the Milky Way?" No one knew, not even little Billy. Suddenly, a gigantic, phlegm soaked spit wad embedded itself on the blackboard behind the teacher. "Okay," exclaimed the frustrated teacher, "who's the comedian with the spit wad?" No one knew, not even little Billy.

On Friday, little Billy brought to school with him two, large, black bowling balls and hid them under his desk. At the precise moment before the teacher asked the day's trivia question, Billy rolled the two bowling balls down the aisle and they struck the wall behind the teacher with a massive jolt. "Okay," huffed the now infuriated teacher, "who's the comedian with the big black balls?" Little Billy answered quickly,

"Eddie Murphy, see you next Tuesday."

[Baldesto]

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what -  
metal, wood, stone - everything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.  She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. The third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking??