joke thread

[Baldesto]

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realised she hadn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes shaking in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

[SteddieEddie]

A frog hops into a bank approaches the teller. seeing her name tag he says' Patty Wack I would like to take out a loan for $30,00"
 Patty is a little taken back by this request but starts the proceedings.
What is your name she asks.
Kermit Jagger he replies
What do you have as security Mr Jagger she asks
This beautiful pink elephant he say's
 Well Mr Jagger I'm afraid that the elephant will not do as security on a loan.
 The frog then tells PAtty that he is friends with the manager and if she could go and ask him, he is sure he will OK it.
 Off Patty goes to see the manager.
She says " There is a frog out there called Kermit Jagger , says he knows you and would like to take out a loan for $ 30,000. All he has for security is this pink elephant. I mean what the hell is this stupid thing.
He replies.......................................... Wait for it!!!















It's a knick knack, Patty Wack give the frog a loan his old mans a rolling stone

[liquidpain]

* At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats.

* Your face is very pale due to lack of blood.

* When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to call you "the tripod."

* You begin to think your mother in law is pretty.

* Sunbathing nude outside standing: Birds perch on it.

* Sunbathing nude outside lying down: You look like a sundial.

* Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc... lets you go to the front of the line...

* Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar.

* You always lose limbo contests.

* Lewinsky wants you to be president someday.

* You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick.

* You like to sleep on your back, so you had to remove the ceiling fan.

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Seven Hidden Video Game Dangers that Should Concern Parents
By Brian Briggs


A recent poll showed several items that concerned parents about video games, with sex between a man and a woman topping severed heads and men kissing. Like most sensational stories about video games, the poll missed the real dangers in video games. We try to remedy that with this list of the hidden dangers of video games that parents should be concerned with:

Map Reading Skills - Everyone knows that video games increases map reading skills, but do parents know how boring a life as a cartographer is? Probably not.

Cheat Codes - Using cheat codes in games lead kids to think that they are entitled to easy solutions for all their problems. That may be good for self-help experts, but not for your kids.

Bad Hygiene - Most video game characters don't shower, shave or even change their clothes. Is it really hygienic to bathe in all that zombie blood without washing your hands?

Unlimited Ammo - Many games give the player an unlimited supply of ammunition for their weapons which leads to a distorted view of the cost of war. Killing people costs money and resources. Kids should know this, or they may have a long life of voting Republican.

Rewards for Collecting - In games you may end up with an extra life, or a new sword, but in real life you end up with shelves full of worthless knickknacks, and maxed out credit cards. Teach your children the dangers of collecting at an early age.

Protective Goggles - Doom may have had over-the-top violence, but more dangerous was that it taught our kids that using a chainsaw to dismember raging Hellbeasts without safety goggles is A-OK. Taking little Johnny to the ER with a splinter of bone in his eye isn't easy to explain. Trust me.

Slow Motion - Kids are being trained that the cools things in life will slow down for them to appreciate it. Life doesn't operate that way, and kids need to learn that or they'll miss a lot.

Severed heads and men kissing don't seem so bad now, do they?

[Baltimore]

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?'


 He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[Baldesto]

Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England.  At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maoris.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Maoris on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Maoris don't buy a ticket at all!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie. "Watch and learn bro," answers a Maori.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Maoris leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

[Baldesto]

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed and not get into trouble." The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?" The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

[Baldesto]

The only cow in a small town near Mudgee stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow in Lithgow for $200. They brought the cow from Lithgow and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Lithgow?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Lithgow?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Lithgow..."

[Pagan]

Viagra now comes in liquid form....Now men can pour themselves a stiff one.

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me s*x. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'

----------------------------------------------

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for  a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while.  When he came into the house he asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called  sexual intercourse,  darling."

Little Tony said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

"Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.   It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy's mama wants to talk to you."

[Who_ate_my_rice]

52 things you would love to say out loud at work
       
    1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

    2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

    3. How about never? Is never good for you?

    4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

    5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

    6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

    7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

    8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

    9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

    10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

    11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

    12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

    13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

    14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

    15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

    16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

    17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

    18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

    19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

    20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

    21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

    22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

    23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

    24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

    25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

    26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

    27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

    28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

    29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

    31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

    32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

    33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

    34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

    35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

    36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

    37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

    38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

    39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

    40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    41. Aren't you a black hole of need.

    42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

    43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

    44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

    45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

    46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

    47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

    48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

    49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

    50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

    51. Don't believe everything you think.

    52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

[Hopeless]

A ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a
local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welsh Bloke "Good Day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Welsh Bloke: "The dog doesn't talk, are you stupid?"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Welsh Bloke: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the

villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes

me to the lake once a week to play."

Welsh Bloke: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welsh Bloke: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Welsh Bloke: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,brushes me

down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Welsh Bloke: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welsh Bloke: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

[Hopeless]

Two hicks from West Virginia got married and were having their honeymoon in a local motel. They begin doing what honeymooners always do, but right before they consummate the marriage the woman says, "Be gentle, I'm a virgin."
The man is shocked and visibly upset and storms out of the room without saying a word. He goes home to his family and tells them what happened, and his dad agrees, "If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for you!"

[Hopeless]

"What part of your body goes to Heaven first?"

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

[nzjeebs]

Mary had a little gram...uhh i mean

Mary had a little Lamb it's stash was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went they both enjoyed a blow!

[Baltimore]

.

[liquidpain]

When is a nickel worth more than a dime?


Some kids were in the habit of teasing one of their group by repeatedly offering him a choice between a nickel and a dime. He always chose the nickel, "because it's bigger."

One day, a friend took him aside and asked, "Don't you know that a dime's worth more than a nickel?"

The kid answered, "Yeah, but if I picked the dime they'd stop doing it!"

[liquidpain]

You know you're a Taliban if...
You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that mobile phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat

[liquidpain]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?

P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?

P: All my relations still in Poland

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?

P: No, I always up before her

L: Is your wife a nagger?

P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?

P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?

P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?

P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'

[liquidpain]

A father was watching his little girl playing in their garden and thought to himself how innocent and pure his little girl was. tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped the spiders flat, saying, 'Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden..."

[liquidpain]

Three gay men died and were cremated, their lovers happened to be there at the same time and were discussing what they were going to do with the ashes, the first man said
"My love Benny loved to fly so I'm going to go up on a plane and scatter the ashes in the sky," then the second man said
"My Karl was a good fisherman, so I am going to scatter the ashes in our favorite lake," and then the third man said
"My Jim was such a good lover so I am going to put his ashes in a bowl of chili so he can tear up my arse one more time!"

[liquidpain]

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a German beer then on the way home stopping for a Indian takeaway or a Turkish kebab.
to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch American programs on a Japanese tv and most of all being suspicious of anything foreign.
Only in britain can you get a pizza delivered to your home quicker than an ambulance.
Only in britain do banks keep both doors open but chain pens to the counter.
Only in britain do supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store for the pharmacy dept,yet healthy people get their cigarettes at the front.
We may be British but by fxxk are we funny.

[liquidpain]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?

P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?

P: All my relations still in Poland

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?

P: No, I always up before her

L: Is your wife a nagger?

P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?

P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?

P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?

P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'

[Baltimore]

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his.'

[steve81]

A man who likes to hunt deer has a wife who suspects him of cheating on her when he goes on early morning hunting trips.
"Hey I'm going hunting in the morning" Says the man.
"I will come along" Says the suspicious wife.
"Uh, Ok. But I leave very early in the morning. Are you sure you want to come" Asks the man.
"Yes"She says
"Ok then but if you pike out then you must either let me have anal sex with you or else give me a Blow Job" He says.
The man has never tasted either of these pleasures and they agree to the deal.
4.00am rolls around.
"wake up dear" Says the man.
"Ugh, I'm too tired you can go with out me" She mumbles.
"Ok, but you know the deal" He says.
She gives him a blow job.
Upon finishing she says"That tasted like shit".
The man replies "Yeah, The dog didn't want to come either"!!!!