joke thread

[DeeVeeOss]

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the
cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception
of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third
bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the
cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the
glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and
drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the
sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I
corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were
twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I
had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the
affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as
you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the
drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

[[rEc] NONAME]

dont knw if this one has been posted
----------------------------------------
LITTLE Mark ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.    
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

[Who_ate_my_rice]

well apparently these are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.


1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to
Hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice
a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat
out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.



These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around
the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate
a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor,? but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

12. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

13. "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

[Lone-Star]

I was feeling pretty down this morning, so I phoned Helpline..

I was put through to a call centre in Pakistan, and when I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked me if I could fly a plane or drive a truck..

[henno]

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.

By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!

Herr Schmidt

[Xt1ncT]

Not a joke, but a great newspaper headline.

A couple of years back, Inverness Caledonian Thistle played celtic in the Scottish Cup - "Callie" as they are known were vack then a club from the lower leagues in Scotland and managed to pull off a huge upset by beating Celtic.

One of the Scottish papers covering the game came up with this:

"Super Cally Go Balistic Celtic Are Atrocious"  :rnr:

Always makes me laugh.

[Baltimore]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!? With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!? It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!? But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[MemNocH]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. ; "A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the hors e's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[liquidpain]

Girl: Im like a radio,my mouth spkr,my left breast
tuner, right 1 volume.
Man:Can I try?(touches the breats)-no sound.
Girl:U havent plugged in yet!

Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of your
breasts, than I can always look at them.
Wife: Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged

Q:Who is stronger, Man Or Woman?
:A woman bcos she lifts 2 mountains on her chest while a man lifts 2
stones with the help of a crane.

Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!?


Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…

My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...

Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

[liquidpain]

I-----SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?' 'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.' 'Social Security sex?' 'Yeah, you know-I get a little
each month, but not enough to live on


II -----LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting
yell.' 'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.' 'The problem is,' she complained, 'It wakes me up!'


III -----QUIET SEX

Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She
looked at him casually and replied, 'You're never home!'


IV -----CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small,' $6,500 for
'medium,' and $14,000 for 'large.' The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any
decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what
have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

The man answered, 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen'.


V ------WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 39th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'.' 'Yeah,' she replies, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband-Stiff At Last.'


VI ---NO SEX

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.


VII ---- OLD SEX

One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr. old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted livingapartment...killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on a charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She said coolly, 'Yes, your Honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex.....he could fly.'

[liquidpain]

Funny tech support calls

Tech support: “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: I don’t have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: “P”…..on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT !!!

=================================
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

So what about it
Moshe was talking to his friend, who was a Marketing Manager.

“Benny,” says Moshe, “what’s the difference between marketing and advertising? I’ve always wanted to know.”

“Well,” replies Benny, “suppose you’re at a party and you see a gorgeous lady across the room. Well, there are a number of things that could happen.

1. You could go over to her and say, ‘Hi, I’m great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s DIRECT MARKETING.

2. You could give your best friend £10 so he goes over to her and says, ‘Hello, see my friend over there? He’s great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s ADVERTISING.

3. She could come over to you and say, ‘Hello, I’ve heard you’re great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s BRAND RECOGNITION.

4. You could go over to her and get her telephone number. Then next day you could call her and say, ‘Hello, I’m great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s TELEMARKETING.

5. You could walk over to her, pour her a drink and say, 'May I?' You could then reach up to straighten her hair, at the same time brushing your groin against her leg, and say, 'Hello, I'm great in bed, so what about it?’
That's PUBLIC RELATIONS.

6. You could talk her into going home with your friend.
That's a SALES REP.

7. Your friend might not be able to satisfy her and so she could then text you.
That's TECH SUPPORT.

8. You could leave the party and on your way home realize that there are probably many beautiful women in the houses you're passing. So you could shout out at the top of your voice, 'I'm great in bed.'
That's JUNK MAIL.

“Thanks, now I understand,” says Moshe.

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
> Female customer: A white one...
> ===============
> Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
> Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
> Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
> Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
> Customer: No , wait a minute.... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
> on my desk... Sorry....
> ===============
>
> Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
> screen.
> Customer: Your left or my left?
> ===============
>
> Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
> Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
> Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and..
> Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
> Gates.
> ===============
>
> Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time
> I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
> placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't
> find it...
> ============== =
>
> Customer: I have problems printing in red...
> Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
> Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.
> ===============
> Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
> Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
> ===============
>
> Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
> Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
> Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
> Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
> Customer:! OK
> Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
> Customer: Yes
> Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
> another keyboard?
> Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
> ===============
>
> Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a
> capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
> Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
> == =============
>
> Customer: can't get on the Internet.
> Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
> Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
> Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
> Customer: Five stars.
> ===============
>
> Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
> Customer: Netscape.
> Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
> Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
> ===============
>
> Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
> my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
> ===============
>
> Tech support: How may I help you?
> Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
> Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
> Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
> the circle around it?
> ===============
>
> A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
> printer.
> Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
> Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
> The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
> printer is working fine.'

[Who_ate_my_rice]

MESSAGE TO ALL NEW ZEALANDERS
Your  Labour Government  has just  announced  tax cuts in the Budget.

If we spend that money at The Warehouse, the money will go to China.

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs; if we purchase a
computer it will go to Taiwan; if we buy a camera it will go to Japan;
if you fancy a Plasma TV it will end up in Korea; a cell-phone helps
Finland and Korea and if you spend it on furniture it will go to Malaysia.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras,
Peru, Thailand and Guatemala and Australia.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan,

If we purchase useless crap it will all go to China and none of it will
help the N.Z. economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on beer, sex
and illegal drugs these are the only products still produced in our dear
country.

Thank you for your help.

-A concerned Citizen.

[Captain.Keyes]

^^ If we put it in the bank it will go to Oz

Two blondes walk into a bar - you would have thought one would have seen it

A blonde wants to buy a TV, so goes to 100%.
The man at the till says he won't sell it to a blonde

The blonde dies her hair red that night and goes back.
"sorry i won't it sell to blondes" says the man.

The blkonde dies her hair brown and goes back to 100% - but again the man says he won't sell to blondes.

She dies her hair black that night and goes back
"sorry, i can't sell that TV to blondes" says the man

Exasperated the blonde says"my hair hasn't been blonde for three days, how did you know that i'm a blonde?"

The man- "it's not a TV, it's a Microwave"

[DRFT10]

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted,
no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it..

So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.

The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;
”My friend, you have not worked here for even one day”. The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain the following;

Manager :- How many days are there in a year?

Man :- 365 days and some times 366

Manager :- how many hours make up a day?

Man :- 24 hours

Manager :- How long do you work in a day?

Man 8 hours a day.

Manager :- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man :- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3

(one third))

Manager :- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man :- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)

Manager :- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man :- No sir

Manager :- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man :- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager :- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days



from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man :- 18 days.

Manager :- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove

that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man :- 4 days

Manager :- Do you work on New Year day?

Man :- No sir!

Manager :- Do you come to work on labour day?

Man :- No sir!

Manager :- So how many days are left?

Man :- 2 days sir!

Manager :- Do you come to work on (Independence day)?

Man :- No sir!


Manager :- So how many days are left?

Man :- 1 day sir!

Manager :- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man :- No sir!

Manager :- So how many days are left?

Man :- None sir!

Manager :- So, what are you claiming?

Man :- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing

Company money all these days.

[KITTY]

THE MAID ASKED FOR A RAISE...

The Madam was very upset about this and asked:
"Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"

Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron shirts better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am better in bed than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say that as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."


SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE!!

[Spork]

A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife.
He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."
She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!"
He replied, "Thank God!"

A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days".
The husband says "Why? Don't you have any vases?

[Baltimore]

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear  was that there really was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly  voice saying, 'Maude... Maude ... '

'Is that you, John?' she asked as she looked in vain around the  room.

The voice responded, 'Yes Maude, I've come back just like we  agreed.'

'What's it like, John?' Maude asked.

John said, 'Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I  have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a  while and then  I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty   much all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next day it  starts all over again.'

'Oh, John,' Maude said, 'then surely you must be in heaven!'  

'Not exactly,' John said.  'I'm a rabbit somewhere near Dubbo.'

[liquidpain]

The Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

[liquidpain]

Why is a joke like pussy?Neither's any good if you don't get it.

--------------------------------------------

A "city-boy" ventured out and bought himself a farm-house. He needed some animals for the farm and inquired at the neighbor's place. The old farmer agreed to sell some animals and the two walked through the yard.
The city-boy pointed and asked, "What kind of animal is that?"
"Well," said the farmer, "that is a cock, which you city folks call a rooster."
"Ok, I'll take one of them," said the city boy. He pointed to another animal, and the farmer told him, "That one is a pullet, or what you call a chicken."
"I'll take it," said the city boy.
"You will also need a hard working animal to help you with the chores, so I'll sell you this ass, or mule."
The city-boy agreed.
"The mule might give you problems being stubborn 'n all and lie down on you," informed the farmer. "If you scratch his belly really good, he'll get up."
As the city-boy is heading home, a beautiful girl is approaching. All of a sudden, the mule lies down and refuses to move. The girl hurries over and asks if she can help.
"Yeah," exclaimed the city-boy, "You can grab my cock & pullet while I reach around and scratch my ass."

--------------------------------------------

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "Its not a gong. Its a talking clock", the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup", replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch", the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey, jerk! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"

--------------------------------------------

A Duck Walks Into A Bar...

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[Aezra]

Tom, a loving husband, was in trouble.  He had forgotten his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.  She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under six seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Tom got up really early.  When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.  She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Tom is not yet well enough to have visitors.

[detonator7]

SCHOOL — 1957 vs. 2007


Scenario #1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark… Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario #2: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal… Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin… Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario #3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse… Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang… State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison… Billy’s Mom has affair with psychologist.


Scenario #4: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations… Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario #5: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher… English banned from core curriculum… Pedro given diploma anyway… but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario #6: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.
2007 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home… computers confiscated. Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario #7: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary… Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison… Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[SittingDuck]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[SittingDuck]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Aezra]

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

---------------------------------------------

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.' Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

---------------------------------------------



A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box .'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'