joke thread

[Who_ate_my_rice]

The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'Willie the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his
composure. 'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor.
'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor
and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in ireland when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in a nearby hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Let's be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said, ' How da hell was I 'spose to pick dem up?'

[Zhija]

Paddy's barn burnt down, so he decided he needed to build a new one. The building construction is going to take a long time, so he decides to hire a guy to help him. He goes down to the local tavern, and hires the strongest looking guy there, Shamus.

Paddy explains to Shamus what he has to do;"You take the hammer, take a nail and hammer it into the wood like this." Shamus does one and seems to be alright, so Paddy decides to go work on the other side of the house. After a while Paddy takes a rest, and starts to notice an irregularity in the sound of Shamus' hammering. There would be a series of bangs, and then a considerable pause, followed by more bangs. This continues for a while when Paddy decides to take a look at whats going on. He peeps round the corner, and there's Shamus. He looked at his hand, selected a nail and then hammered it into the wall, then looked at his hand again, selected a nail, examined it and then threw it away. He continued in this fashion for a few minutes, until Paddy decided he'd seen enough. "Shamus, why on earth are ya wasting all those nails!!" to which Shamus replied "Well, you see, the heads of the nail are on the wrong ends for some of these, so I throw them away."

"Shamus you fool!" Paddy cries "Those are for the other side of the house!"

[DeeVeeOss]

IN A SOUTH AUCKLAND WINZ OFFICE ... A patch wearing Gang Member walks into a local Auckland WINZ office, stomps straight up to the counter and says, "Hey bro, I hate living on the dole eh. I wanna find a job." The fella behind the counter replied," Your timing is amazing. We have just got a job from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur bodyguard for his sex mad daughter. You will have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because there are long hours in this job, meals will be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year." The mobster picks his jaw up off the floor and says "You're bullshitting me bro!" The man behind the counter looks at him and replies," Well... you started it!"

[Chilli]

The Auckland Blues manager sends scouts out round the world looking for a

 new player to hopefully win them the Super 14 again. One scout informs him

 of a talented young Iraqi winger. The coach flies to Iraq to watch him, is

 suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to play for the

Blues.

 

 

 Two weeks later, The Blues are 30-0 down at home to Wellington with

only

 20 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi winger the nod to go on.

 

 The lad is a sensation, scores 6 tries in 20 minutes and wins the game for

 the Blues. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are ecstatic,

and

 the media love the new star.

 

 When he comes off the field he phones his Mum to tell her about his first

 day playing rugby for the Blues. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played

 for 20 minutes today, we were 30-0 down, but I scored 6 tries and we won.

 Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love

me".

 

 "Great," says his Mum, "now let me tell you about my day". "Your father

got

 shot in the street, your sister and I were attacked and beaten, and your

 brother has joined a gang of looters, all while you were having a great

time.

 

 The young lad is very upset. What can I say Mum, I'm so sorry.

 

"Sorry?!" says his Mum.  "It's your fault that we moved to Manurewa in the

first place!"

[henno]

A city girl was driving back to town after attending a family funeral when she ran out of gas. It was getting late so she asked two good ol' boys sitting on the stoop of a mobile home where she could get some gas.

“Well,” said one, “the fillin' station ain't open 'till tomorrie, but I reckon you kin stay the night with me & Billy-Bob here.”

She accepted, only to be told that there was only one bed, which both Billy-Bob & Billy-Ray slept in. Thinking it might be fun, she went ahead anyway. When all three of them were all tucked in, they were just about to jump her bones when she halted proceedings.

Pulling out two condoms, she said, “You nice boys wouldn't want me to get pregnant, would you? Here, put these on.”

They did. The three of them proceeded to have the time of their lives. In the morning the car got gassed up and our girl went back to the city.

Three months later, Billy-Bob and Billy-Ray were sitting on the stoop, chewin' on some RedMan.

“D'ya remember that city girl who stopped by here a while back?” asked Billy-Ray.

“Ah sure do,” said Billy-Bob, with a smirk.

“D'ya really care if she gets pregnant?”

“Nah,” said Billy-Bob.

“Well, lets get these STUPID things off of our dicks!”

[SteddieEddie]

joke thread

[Who_ate_my_rice]

How Men Think

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One
of them was washing her private area and noticed that
there was a slight response on the monitor when she
touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there
was a small, recognizable movement

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minute s the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure, maybe she choked'.

[Chilli]

joke thread

[Chilli]

joke thread

joke thread

[maorifulla]

I hope this aint a repeat

A man sees a young teenage girl crying on the side of the cliff

man: why are you crying
young girl : My Father he was killed from falling of this cliff

man: OMG at least you still have your mother
Young Girl: (weeping even More) she also died from trying to save him

Man: You dont have any other family?
Young Girl: No my brother also was involved in this tragedy

The man starts undoing his fly
Man: well i guess it just isnt your day today is it :piss:

[nzallmenace]

Blonde goes into Harvey Norman looking for curtains for her PC, the assistant says u dont need curtains for a computer.. Blonde says, HELLOO ive got fuckin WINDOWS :bounce:

[Chilli]

^ LOL.

..........
ESTATE PLANNING

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife to share his fortune with.

One evening at an investment meeting he spied the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and 3 days later
she became his stepmother.

 
Women seem to be so much better at estate planning than men :|

[grass]

Son of Bill Gates asks his father:
- Dad, I'd like to try to have sex, what should I do?
- That's simple, sonny. Just take the biggest car from my garage, dress
the best suit you have and take the girl into the most deluxe restaurant
in the town. Rent a horse chariot in the evening and take her for a trip
around the lake. Buy her the biggest bunch of flowers you can buy.
Finally rent a president suite and she'll be yours. And that's all.
- But Dad! Where are the romantic walks, grazes, reading of poetry in
the moonlight, flirting ...
- My boy... all this was invented by the Linux folks so that they can
have sex for free.

[SteddieEddie]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One
rainy day she was in bed    
  with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car
pull into the driveway.        
  'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!'          
  'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

  'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.

  'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!'                      
  So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out
the window! As he ran down the
  street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right
into the middle of the town's  
  annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about
300 of them.                
  Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend
in as best he could. After a
  little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with
some curiosity, jogged        
  closer.

  'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

  'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

  Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your    
  arm?'

  'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the    
  run and get in my car to go home!'

  Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you  
  run?'

  'Nope...just when it's raining.'
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[Who_ate_my_rice]

^  ahaha good joke

straight from wikipedia:
The joke told by the Joker is a common one:

    See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night... one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see he's afraid of falling... So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But, the second guy just shakes his head. He says... he says "What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across."

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.

'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!

[Who_ate_my_rice]

A man enters a bar and orders a drink.

The bar has a robot barman.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,

"What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.

Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him,

"What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "About 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league, Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, and women in general.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.

He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,

"What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Err, 50, I think."

And the robot says....real slowly...

"So.................. ya gonna vote for Helen again?"

[Who_ate_my_rice]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
·        Romance 9.5 and
·        Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
·        NBA 5.0,
·        NFL 3.0  and
·        Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

·        Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
·        Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
·        Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
·        If that application works as designed, Husband1.0  should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
·        Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
·        Cooking 3.0 and
·        Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

[private_hell]

A man walks into a bar and asks for two shots of tequila. He sits down
and pounds the first shot and than proceeds to pour the second on his right hand.
He than asks the bartender for two more shots and does the samething.
A few minutes later he asks the bartender for two more
shots, and the bartender responds, "Why do you keep pouring shots on your hand."
The man replies, "getting my date drunk."

[henno]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[Who_ate_my_rice]

Regret more bad financial news

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the
run on Northern Rock in the UK , uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days:

Origami Bank has folded,

Sumo Bank has gone belly up

Tempura Bank is in hot oil

Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song

shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks,

Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop

analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where
it is feared that staff may get a raw deal

[Dr Woomanchu]

If men wrote advice columns

Q: My husband wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best
friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your
skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house, too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity
training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex
should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep
without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[hemihapuka]

Been in Aus for 4 months now and I know every sheepshagger joke that is known too mankind so here is my favourite comeback to the Aussies.

What do Australians use for contraceptives ?

There Personality.


Why do Aussies like having sex with Virgins ?

Because they dont like Criticism

[nzallmenace]

border="0" alt="Photobucket">[/url]