joke thread

[SittingDuck]

A drunk orders a beer
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"



I bet i can bite my eyes
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.



Circle Flies
After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[zolteg]

But the Fox Glacier had the slowest.....

[drunk.kiwi]

^  LOL +1

[SteddieEddie]

'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
- George W. Bush

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
- George W. Bush

'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
-George W. Bush


'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
- George W. Bush

'The future will be better tomorrow.'
- George W. Bush

'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
- George W. Bush

'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
- George W Bush

'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to   Europe . We are a part of Europe '
- George W. Bush

'Public speaking is very easy.'
- George W. Bush

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'
- George W. Bush

'I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them.'
-George Bush

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
- George W. Bush

'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'
-George W. Bush

'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'
-George W. Bush

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
- George W. Bush

[SteddieEddie]

This prostitute who was also a Cricket fan, got a tattoo of Ricky Ponting and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs.
She says to her customer "If you can guess who they are you get a free naughty."

He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those two ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!"

[Slob®]

An Indian Mystery revealed
 
 Finally someone has cleared this up for me...
 
 For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us
 have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the
 Indian High Commission in  Wellington  has recently revealed the true story.
 
 When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
 On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
 has won:-
A - Taxi licence in chch
B - Convenience store in hamilton
C- Service station in auckland  
D- Kebab shop in  invercargill
E- Take away cafe in nelson
 
 If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering
 telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Telecom customers in
 New Zealand .  


:knife:

[nzallmenace]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

> >
> > They undress and step into the showers before they
> realize
> > there is no soap.

> >
> > Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to
>
get
> > it, not bothering to dress.

> >
> > He grabs
two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads
> back
> > to the showers.

> >
> > He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns
> heading
> > his way.

> >
> > Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall
> and
> > freezes like he's a statue.

> >
> > The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

> >
> > The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his
> > manhood.

> >
> > Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

> >
> > 'Oh look' says the first nun, 'it's a
> soap
> > dispenser'.

> >
> > To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his
> > manhood.

> >
> > Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

> >
> >
Now the third nun decides to have a go.

> >
> > She pulls once,
then twice and three times but nothing
> > happens.

> >
> > So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
> >
> > 'Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!'

[Scream]

> > 'Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!'

LMFAO!! +1

Edit: Getting a token error for repping =/
And which low life negged me over this >.>

[UppityDuck]

A vicar books into a Hotel and says to the blonde receptionist "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?"
She turns to him, looks at him warily and says "No, it's not, it's normal porn, you sick bastard!"

[Bobyoby]

Took me ages to get that one.

Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

NEITHER HAVE THEY!!

KK that ones kinda funny but is one of those jokes that you go haha, awwww

[Baldesto]

As men age, we end up seeing more and more of the Medical establishment, which nowadays, has more and more women in it. For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is absolutely gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
--
In a recent survey carried out, people from Chicago, Illinois have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Chicago's inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
--
One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, a policeman stopped him. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man.

[Baldesto]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?" "Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"

[Baldesto]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems...

"Dactor, it's me arse. I'd loik ya ta take a look, if ya want". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake take it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc... finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..."

[Baldesto]

A guy was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love doing. "Really enjoying that huh?" he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?" She replied, "Because I really miss mine."
--
How do you know when you're dating a hard bitch? When you ask her for a blow job she replies "Nah I'm too tired - just wank in a cup and I'll drink it in the morning".
--
A little girl asked her father: "Daddy how did the human race appear?" The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve. They had children and so was all mankind made." Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and mum said they developed from monkeys?" The father answered, "Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers."

[henno]

Nice to see your jokes back Baldy  :rnr:

[SteddieEddie]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the  'Chicken  Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly  and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid  slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't,  so she  asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and  again the lid rises,  and he sees two little eyes looking  around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what  is happening,  and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'






 
 
 
 

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!

[henno]

Wisdom...

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him... and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said...

"Son, Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look smaller."

[woofnstuff]

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume?  Here are some real-life examples:

*"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

*"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

*"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

* "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

* "I am a rabid typist."

*"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

* "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

* "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

* "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

*"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

*"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

*"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

* "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

* "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."

* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."

* "Qualifications: No education or experience."

* "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

* "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

* "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

* Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

[DRFT10]

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and s3xy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

 

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
 

 

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a c0ck like that."
 

 

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
 

 

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
 

 

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
 

 

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about 5ex at that age."
"Curious about 5ex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
 

 

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."
 

 

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
 

 

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
 

 

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[EnjoyTheSauce]

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and s3xy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

 

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
 

 

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a c0ck like that."
 

 

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
 

 

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
 

 

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
 

 

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about 5ex at that age."
"Curious about 5ex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
 

 

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."
 

 

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
 

 

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
 

 

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Jimmy Carr? Awesome comedian, love his stand up.

[#331;µbblès]

A Professor at the University of  Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.


He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'


She replied:

'Probably drinking beer with his mates.'  


It took fully 5 minutes to restore order in the lecture room.........

[pinkycook]

Lols! great joke..:rnr:

[Baldesto]

Police in Lahore have just finished counting the bullets fired in Tuesdays shooting. The final result... 7 for 366.
--
Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks, "What are you?" He says, "I'm a Fireman" "But you're only wearing a glass jar?" says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"
--
Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend but forgets his condoms, he calls down to reception, asks for a pack of three. Reception asks "Shall I put them on your bill?" Donald replies "Don't be fucking stupid! I'll suffocate!"
--
Bob moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room. "It's me or the magazines," Bob insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, Bob left. As he told his friends, she just had too many issues.
--
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this," and she goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it."

[Baldesto]

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks. Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began.

After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, "I have a problem… It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favour." Heidi replied, "Okay," to which he asked, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?" Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.

The guy then asked, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?" Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.

Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man." Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.

Finally, the guy said to Heidi, "Do you mind if I call you Phil?" Heidi had now become very dejected, and said "No, I guess not, you can call me Phil." So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted "Phil, you'll never believe who I'm fucking!!"

[Baldesto]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy!" Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite!" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep Breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi' Jasus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin" way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin" pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub."