joke thread

[Baldesto]

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

- CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
- HAMBURGER: $2.25
- CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
- HAND JOB: $50.00  

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meagre looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "How can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she smiles and purrs, "I sure am." The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands real good honey because I want a cheeseburger."

[Baldesto]

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of fresh bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"

[Baldesto]

A private school was recently faced with a unique problem.  A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.  Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers... and then there are educators.

[henno]

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________


Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.

Love,
Brian

__________________________________________________________


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:

____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom

[Spin]

What are the Americans gonna say if their president doesn't keep any of his promises?

Obama

[nzallmenace]

The Ants ......

There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.

One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.

So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.

One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.

"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".

"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

[nzallmenace]

Truck driver......

One day an old man sat down on a bench and across the street he saw a little boy sitting on the curb.

The old man sat and watched him and saw that he was holding a cat by the tail and had candy in his hand.

Every few minutes, the little boy would pop a few pieces of candy in his mouth, bite the cat on the tail, and scoot down a little bit.

After the man watched the little boy for a few minutes he walked over and asked the little boy what he was doing.

The little boy replied, "I'm playing truck driver!" "Playing truck driver?" the man asked.

"Yeah, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and moving on down the line!"

[nzallmenace]

I call this one "Devil"

Three guys die and go to hell.
When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.
"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.
"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.
So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"
To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"
As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.
"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.
"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"

[Spin]

Wanna hear a joke?

Woman's rights

[henno]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.

..

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir . But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description? '
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

[henno]

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.

As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.

Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.

Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

[rank666]

Life in the Australian Army !


Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am, but I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!

Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a '15 mile route march - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's arrse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of bloody cake!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one
bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Will wright again soon,

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[Spin]

What's funnier than a bird flying into the window?

A dead baby flying into a window

[Pitchey]

Q. Why do the French have trees lining their roads?

A. Because the Germans like marching in the shade!

[Spin]

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Bobyoby]

Haha! nice job spin


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

(I not meant to be a pro-Russian or whatever, just a good joke)

[Spin]

How can you tell when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes start to pile up.

[Bobyoby]

Again, nice work.

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

[Baldesto]

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."

[Baldesto]

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks, "What are you?" He says, "I'm a Fireman" "But you're only wearing a glass jar?" says the woman. "Exactly! For emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"

[Baldesto]

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is full from the last flight so an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.

Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without leave, even reindeers" asses are beginning to look good to me. I have one stripe;  it's minus 40 degrees, and my job is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

[Baldesto]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." The passenger asks "Who?"

The cabbie says "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie says "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano." The passenger replies "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cab driver responds "There's more... he had a mind like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger: "Wow, some incredible guy"

The cabbie goes "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them." "Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. And he's never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow..."

[Baldesto]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me!" she said "Let me guess... Smallcox?"

[Baldesto]

A widowed elderly lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, FL. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir, how are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, and noticing that his book was about veterinary medicine, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to hers, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?

[Baldesto]

Today an Aboriginal was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice. Police say it's the worst case of suicide they have ever seen.
--
A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.
--
Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, "Get this out of me, give me drugs!". She turns to the boyfriend and says "You did this to me you fucker!". He replied casually, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful - now who's laughing?'"
--
A recent study conducted by Wits University found that the average South African walks about 1200 kilometres a year. Another study by the South African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100 litres of alcohol a year. This means, on average, South Africans get about 12 kilometres to the litre.
--
President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with, "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!" Immediately his speech writer rushes over and whispers in the President's ear, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath!"